Comebacks Are Hard

This whole coming-back-to-blogging business is so far a lot more work than it is play. I expected it to flow, like the thrill and excitement would return naturally, like the pets in Homeward Bound. But it's been more of a forced exercise that produces little satisfactory results, like the training montage from Rocky.

Are those comparisons fair, though? This return to blogging is, after all, more like a sequel. In that case, my comeback bears greater similarity to Homeward Bound 2: Lost in San Francisco, an inane retread meant to cash in on past success, than to Rocky II, the unnecessary sequel that made our hero at last victorious.

I never thought I'd be able to compare any aspect of my life to a Disney sequel, and a live-action animal adventure at that. I couldn't even pull off a Return of Jafar. Have I indeed sunk so low?

Oh well. If I can't find meaning in successfully returning to write nonsense blogs, I could always find meaning in rock collecting.


Earth vs. Facebook

Since I've already done two Earth Day posts, why not another, right? This time we'll celebrate Earth Day by comparing Earth to Facebook. Let's see what they have in common....

Everyone on Facebook and everyone on Earth are lame. The people on Facebook and the people on Earth are basically just giving in to peer pressure by being there. In contrast, the people who are not Facebook and the people who live in outer space are cool.

People waste a good chunk of their day on Facebook. People also waste a good chunk of their day on the Earth. The productive activity that takes place on both is relatively negligible.

Communicating with your friends through Facebook is not a very good substitute for face-to-face interaction. Similarly, communicating with your friends through the Earth will make for a stunted relationship, as sound does not travel well through the Earth's crust.

Approximately 10% of the world's population is on Facebook. Approximately 10% of the world's population also lives on Earth.

Nobody who's on Facebook actually likes Facebook, just like nobody who lives on Earth genuinely likes the Earth. In spite of everyone's dislike, no one would ever do anything to leave Facebook or Earth. Cuz...what else is there?


Earth: The Facts

In view of the impending Earth Day, I thought I'd fill you in on some interesting facts about this place we call Earth. Most of these are things you probably already know because I don't want to cause any heart attacks from overly-unexpected trivia. Also, if we don't review what we've already learned, it will cease to be true.

-The Earth is round. However, it is not perfectly round. It is also bumpy.
-Other planets that are not the Earth include Jupiter, Saturn or Neptune.
-As far as we know, the Earth has never collided with the sun.
-The Earth is filled with goo.
-The surface of the Earth usually keeps people from getting inside the Earth.
-If the Earth stopped moving, everything on it would fly off into space.
-The Earth has a moon, but the moon does not have a day named after it.
-The Earth's oceans are not actually blue; they are clear.
-If the Earth had a mustache, it would also have a soul patch, and it would look like this:
Get hairy, Antarctica.


Let's Celebrate Earth Day

Well, it's Earth Day on Friday, I think. It's the time of year when we all realize that we are not, in fact, floating in space. I guess technically we are floating in space, but even more technically, it's Earth that's floating in space (but even more technically it's not "floating" because it is tethered to the sun).

A lot of people like to spend Earth Day cleaning things up. Personally, I don't see how that celebrates Earth. If we really wanted to go easy on the ol' planet, I think the only thing we'd need to do is not blow it up. Any Earth Day that preserves the existence of Earth is a success in my opinion.

You may say that picking up garbage is a way to preserve the existence of Earth, but I wouldn't be able to hear you because you smell like garbage and that's pretty disgusting.

Another thing we could do to celebrate Earth Day? Not move to another planet. I bet Earth would resent that.


Too Many

A billion of something is a whole lot. It's probably too much. Consider the following examples.

A Billion Astronauts
You wouldn't be able to send all those astronauts into space. We only have a few spaceships in this world, so only maybe 30 of those astronauts could actually go. That's only .000003% of all those astronauts. The rest would be left with unfulfilling careers as garbage men. Maybe we could ship some of them out to sea just so we don't have to watch heartbroken astronauts taking out our trash.

A Billion Staplers
That would mean more than a billion staples. Unless each stapler only gets one staple, but that would be crazier than having a billion staplers to begin with. I don't care if it causes a staple crisis that cripples some poor country's economy, each stapler needs at least 50 staples. This isn't Russia.

A Billion Canoes
The Native Americans understood the concept of keeping in balance with your environment, which is probably part of the reason why they never mass-produced canoes. After all, if you have a billion canoes, how do you have an efficient canoe race? You'd probably have to do individual time trials, and nobody enjoys that.

A Billion Hot Dogs with Mustard
Mustard is an acquired taste. Personally, I'm not a fan. Someone else could have that hot dog instead of me. Maybe there are a billion people in this world who like mustard, but I don't know. I'm guessing a few of those hot dogs would get wasted.


The Diary of the Adventures of Albino Lobster

Dear Diary,
Today I had to explain to a few people that I am not a ghost of a regular lobster. When I told them that I was albino, they insisted that it was impossible for a lobster to be albino because, and I quote, "lobsters are too crunchy to be albino." What does that even mean? I don't feel crunchy. I may feel whatever the opposite of crunchy is...tender? Buttery?

Dear Diary,
Last night I went to the discotheque, and all the girls laughed at me because I was an albino lobster. It made me wish that I could people into albino lobsters. If they could experience my life, maybe they wouldn't laugh. Maybe they would be my friends and say, "Hey, let's go see a regular movie instead of a black and white one because I understand that you actually aren't that different from me." That's all I want.

Dear Diary,
I saved somebody's life yesterday. Pulled her from a burning car. I'm glad I'm albino lobster, I guess, and not an albino ostrich or something, so that I can actually grab things. She was very grateful, and she didn't make any comments about my albino-ness. It makes me wonder--do I prefer the attention I get for being an albino to the attention I get for saving someone's life? I probably do.

Dear Diary,
I met a Hollywood producer today. Looks like I'm going to be a guest star on an episode of "Modern Family." Makes sense. I don't know if I'm ready for that kind of fame, though. Maybe I should just marry the albino rhinoceros and settle down in some country town. Have a family. Isn't that what everyone wants? Or maybe I'll open a Red Lobster restaurant. Wouldn't that be ironic!


State Capitals, Part One

Good morning, everyone! Today we're going to begin a series on STATE CAPITALS! Everyone else is definitely as excited about this as I am!

Did you know 5 state capitals begin with the letter A? Isn't that amazing? The only letters that have more capitals are C and S, and since these letters appear the word, "secession," we we will not be discussing any cities that begin with them.

In alphabetical order, Albany comes first. I have no interest in Albany, so we will pretend that the actual capital of New York is Buffalo and move on.

We will also skip Annapolis and Atlanta.

This brings us to Augusta, Maine. Maine is one of two states whose capital should actually be Portland.

Austin is the fifth and final state capital beginning with A. Coincidentally, it rhymes with Boston, which is also a state capital. It is important to note, however, that Boston begins with the letter B, which is not the letter A.

Isn't learning fun?


The End of the Universe

Two people are walking down the street as though the universe were not going to end anytime soon.

PERSON A: Doesn't it suck to get stuck in traffic?
PERSON B: You bet it does! Especially when it's snowing.
PERSON A: Good point. Weather is the other thing that I like to talk about.
PERSON B: I'm glad we're friends. We have so much in common.
OMINOUS VOICE FROM ABOVE: Attention people of the universe. The universe will be ending in approximately five minutes. You have five minutes to prepare for the end of the universe.
PERSON B: Did you hear that?
PERSON A: Yeah. It was pretty loud.
PERSON B: Huh. So does that mean the universe is ending?
PERSON A: I guess so.
PERSON B: Alas. I am filled with regret.
PERSON A: There's still time to live! The voice said we have five minutes.
PERSON B: But everything I would want to do is at least ten minutes from here.
PERSON A: Oh. Well, would you like to tell me what you regret?
PERSON B: I wish I had collected more box turtles.
PERSON A: Oh yeah, me too.
PERSON B: You can't regret the same thing I regret!
PERSON A: Can too!
PERSON B: If our time wasn't so short, perhaps I could appreciate our mutual love for turtles much as I appreciate our mutual desire to talk about traffic and weather.
PERSON A: Oh, the turtles we could have enjoyed together.
PERSON B: Do you think they'll have turtles after the end of the universe?
PERSON A: Yes I do.
OMINOUS VOICE FROM ABOVE: Got you guys! It's just me! Your friend Steve!
PERSON B: Oh, thank you, Steve! You've helped us discover our mutual love for turtles!
PERSON A: I'm sorry, I actually wasn't being serious about the turtle thing.


Limbo Adventures

A question scientists have been asking for almost a decade and a half is, whatever happened to the limbo? The once "popular" party dance has all but disappeared from society. We all want to know: what gives?

The 50s were a strange time.
Unfortunately, scientists have been baffled as to where the limbo has gone, and millions of taxpayer dollars have been wasted in their futile efforts. A scandalous report also recently revealed that most research groups spend up to 70% of their time actually doing the limbo rather than studying it. People want answers.

Thankfully for them, I have some. In the late 1980s, just before the fall of the Soviet Union, limbo groups started springing up in Siberia and the Soviet Republic of Kazakhstan. Once Americans saw that the Russians were limbo-ing, they refused to do it for fear of becoming communist. After the fall of communism, Siberians and Kazakhs discovered the limbo was not cool anymore in the West, so they took up more timely fads like pogs and Magic cards.

Though people may not actually do the limbo anymore, it still lives on in our hearts. Not literally, though, because the limbo is not a living thing, and our hearts are too small for a limbo party to fit.

P.S.-Scientists 0, Ben 1.


An Unstoppable Force

Follow me, if you will, as I compare the life of this blog to that of a fearsome bear. Pay attention, dear reader, and you shall see how truly apt and terrifying this analogy is. Hopefully your soul will not shudder to visit this blog again in the future, but there is a distinct possibility that it will.

You see, my a comeback for this blog was much like a bear emerging from hibernation. Bears, like this blog, become frustrated with the world around them on a seasonal basis and determine to while their angst away in a depressive sleep for months. Though the blog's angst wore off after just a few months, it, like a bear, preferred the comforts of sleep and chose not to wake up for over a year.

But then the horrors of post-hibernation set in. A bear has the rude awakening of spring, with all the thorny plants, tiny bugs and uncomfortable sweating that go along with it. Similarly, my blog was nearly crushed by an unexpectedly debilitating mouth surgery that kept me from coming to work for a couple days. How can a bear be awesome when it is so threatened? And how can I blog when I'm not at work?

Now, at last, the bear and I can settle into a simple routine. Fish eating. Yes, another thing bears and blogs have in common--a love for the taste of fresh fish. It is part of the perfect symmetry of the universe.


My Ideal Home

I want to live inside a kangaroo.

Ways this will improve my life:
-Thanks to layers and mucus and what I assume are other unrelentingly pleasant bodily fluids, I will always be warm and comfortable. Whenever I start to feel a little chilly, I can just tuck myself a little deeper in that cozy pouch, rub up extra close to that soft tissue, and warm right up.
-I will never be lonely because I will always have a kangaroo buddy to keep me company. I imagine us becoming something like heroes of the Old West. I'd be the straight man who does all the hard work, and the kangaroo would be the bumbling, wise-cracking sidekick who accidentally saves the day in the end.
-I will probably be in Australia. Most kangaroos do live in Australia, after all. The rest live in zoos. I do not want to live in a kangaroo in a zoo. As much as the rhyme makes that proposition attractive, I do not want to expose myself to ridicule for my aberrant lifestyle.
-Most kangaroo predators are extinct, and most of my predators would be too slow. We would be almost unstoppable. And I could probably teach the kangaroo how to camouflage, so the bears wouldn't even be able to see us.

Ways this will maybe not be such a great idea:
-It will be crowded. Once some joeys start showing up (unlikely, though, since I'm sure to scare off any potential kangaroo mates), there's not going to be a lot of room inside this kangaroo. And I'm not going to sell my stamp collection to make space for a mooch.
-Bouncing up and down will probably make me motion sick. Not that I have much experience traveling in jumps or leaps, but I expect it will be jarring to my stomach.
-My favorite foods will not be readily available, and it will be difficult to go grocery shopping. I haven't read a lot about kangaroos yet, but I'm guessing they don't make a lot of pizza or tacos. And I've seen many a kangaroo get kicked out of a grocery store, so there must be some kind of "no kangaroos" rule that would keep me from buying the food I want.
-Kangaroos are difficult to steer. Say I want to go left, but the kangaroo wants to go right. I have no idea how I'm going to handle such a dilemma.


Knock Knock

After a two-year hiatus, I'm attempting a comeback. I have abandoned whatever principle initially compelled me to abandon this blog. I return with no plan and no goal, just a full-throttle major blogging explosion.

I shall begin with some bad knock-knock jokes.

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Robot who?
Robot police! You're under arrest!

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Seriously, it's the robot police.
Seriously, it's the robot police who?
Seriously, it's the ROBOT POLICE! This isn't a game! We're here for the children you kidnapped! Open up or we'll efficiently and emotionlessly bust down your door!

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Row, row, row your boat.
Row, row, row your boat who?
Row, row, ROBOT POLICE! We're not joking about arresting you, though. We have a warrant to take you to jail for your numerous crimes.

Knock knock.
Who's there?
All your criminal friends.
All your criminal friends who?
All your criminal friends have been eaten alive by the ROBOT POLICE! Your only chance to avoid the same fate is to open the door and be arrested!

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Banana who?
Orange you glad I didn't say robot police? Oh wait...crap, I screwed that one up. I meant to say, aren't you glad I didn't say ROBOT POLICE?

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Boo who?
Boo--it's the ROBOT POLICE! And you should stop crying. We didn't actually eat your criminal friends. We are fueled by a combination of battery and solar power, not human flesh.

Thank you.