Garbage: Left, Recycling: Right

Comebacks Are Hard

2011-04-25T09:41:00.003-05:00

This whole coming-back-to-blogging business is so far a lot more work than it is play. I expected it to flow, like the thrill and excitement would return naturally, like the pets in Homeward Bound. But it's been more of a forced exercise that produces little satisfactory results, like the training montage from Rocky.

Are those comparisons fair, though? This return to blogging is, after all, more like a sequel. In that case, my comeback bears greater similarity to Homeward Bound 2: Lost in San Francisco, an inane retread meant to cash in on past success, than to Rocky II, the unnecessary sequel that made our hero at last victorious.

I never thought I'd be able to compare any aspect of my life to a Disney sequel, and a live-action animal adventure at that. I couldn't even pull off a Return of Jafar. Have I indeed sunk so low?

Oh well. If I can't find meaning in successfully returning to write nonsense blogs, I could always find meaning in rock collecting.

Earth vs. Facebook

2011-04-20T10:14:00.007-05:00

Since I've already done two Earth Day posts, why not another, right? This time we'll celebrate Earth Day by comparing Earth to Facebook. Let's see what they have in common....

Everyone on Facebook and everyone on Earth are lame. The people on Facebook and the people on Earth are basically just giving in to peer pressure by being there. In contrast, the people who are not Facebook and the people who live in outer space are cool.

People waste a good chunk of their day on Facebook. People also waste a good chunk of their day on the Earth. The productive activity that takes place on both is relatively negligible.

Communicating with your friends through Facebook is not a very good substitute for face-to-face interaction. Similarly, communicating with your friends through the Earth will make for a stunted relationship, as sound does not travel well through the Earth's crust.

Approximately 10% of the world's population is on Facebook. Approximately 10% of the world's population also lives on Earth.

Nobody who's on Facebook actually likes Facebook, just like nobody who lives on Earth genuinely likes the Earth. In spite of everyone's dislike, no one would ever do anything to leave Facebook or Earth. Cuz...what else is there?

Earth: The Facts

2011-04-19T09:33:00.004-05:00

In view of the impending Earth Day, I thought I'd fill you in on some interesting facts about this place we call Earth. Most of these are things you probably already know because I don't want to cause any heart attacks from overly-unexpected trivia. Also, if we don't review what we've already learned, it will cease to be true.

-The Earth is round. However, it is not perfectly round. It is also bumpy.
-Other planets that are not the Earth include Jupiter, Saturn or Neptune.
-As far as we know, the Earth has never collided with the sun.
-The Earth is filled with goo.
-The surface of the Earth usually keeps people from getting inside the Earth.
-If the Earth stopped moving, everything on it would fly off into space.
-The Earth has a moon, but the moon does not have a day named after it.
-The Earth's oceans are not actually blue; they are clear.
-If the Earth had a mustache, it would also have a soul patch, and it would look like this:

Let's Celebrate Earth Day

2011-04-18T09:23:00.000-05:00

Well, it's Earth Day on Friday, I think. It's the time of year when we all realize that we are not, in fact, floating in space. I guess technically we are floating in space, but even more technically, it's Earth that's floating in space (but even more technically it's not "floating" because it is tethered to the sun).

A lot of people like to spend Earth Day cleaning things up. Personally, I don't see how that celebrates Earth. If we really wanted to go easy on the ol' planet, I think the only thing we'd need to do is not blow it up. Any Earth Day that preserves the existence of Earth is a success in my opinion.

You may say that picking up garbage is a way to preserve the existence of Earth, but I wouldn't be able to hear you because you smell like garbage and that's pretty disgusting.

Another thing we could do to celebrate Earth Day? Not move to another planet. I bet Earth would resent that.

Too Many

2011-04-13T09:16:00.002-05:00

A billion of something is a whole lot. It's probably too much. Consider the following examples.

A Billion Astronauts
You wouldn't be able to send all those astronauts into space. We only have a few spaceships in this world, so only maybe 30 of those astronauts could actually go. That's only .000003% of all those astronauts. The rest would be left with unfulfilling careers as garbage men. Maybe we could ship some of them out to sea just so we don't have to watch heartbroken astronauts taking out our trash.

A Billion Staplers
That would mean more than a billion staples. Unless each stapler only gets one staple, but that would be crazier than having a billion staplers to begin with. I don't care if it causes a staple crisis that cripples some poor country's economy, each stapler needs at least 50 staples. This isn't Russia.

A Billion Canoes
The Native Americans understood the concept of keeping in balance with your environment, which is probably part of the reason why they never mass-produced canoes. After all, if you have a billion canoes, how do you have an efficient canoe race? You'd probably have to do individual time trials, and nobody enjoys that.

A Billion Hot Dogs with Mustard
Mustard is an acquired taste. Personally, I'm not a fan. Someone else could have that hot dog instead of me. Maybe there are a billion people in this world who like mustard, but I don't know. I'm guessing a few of those hot dogs would get wasted.

The Diary of the Adventures of Albino Lobster

2011-04-08T12:52:00.007-05:00

Dear Diary,
Today I had to explain to a few people that I am not a ghost of a regular lobster. When I told them that I was albino, they insisted that it was impossible for a lobster to be albino because, and I quote, "lobsters are too crunchy to be albino." What does that even mean? I don't feel crunchy. I may feel whatever the opposite of crunchy is...tender? Buttery?

Dear Diary,
Last night I went to the discotheque, and all the girls laughed at me because I was an albino lobster. It made me wish that I could people into albino lobsters. If they could experience my life, maybe they wouldn't laugh. Maybe they would be my friends and say, "Hey, let's go see a regular movie instead of a black and white one because I understand that you actually aren't that different from me." That's all I want.

Dear Diary,
I saved somebody's life yesterday. Pulled her from a burning car. I'm glad I'm albino lobster, I guess, and not an albino ostrich or something, so that I can actually grab things. She was very grateful, and she didn't make any comments about my albino-ness. It makes me wonder--do I prefer the attention I get for being an albino to the attention I get for saving someone's life? I probably do.

Dear Diary,
I met a Hollywood producer today. Looks like I'm going to be a guest star on an episode of "Modern Family." Makes sense. I don't know if I'm ready for that kind of fame, though. Maybe I should just marry the albino rhinoceros and settle down in some country town. Have a family. Isn't that what everyone wants? Or maybe I'll open a Red Lobster restaurant. Wouldn't that be ironic!

State Capitals, Part One

2011-04-07T09:24:00.001-05:00

Good morning, everyone! Today we're going to begin a series on STATE CAPITALS! Everyone else is definitely as excited about this as I am!

PART ONE: THE LETTER A
Did you know 5 state capitals begin with the letter A? Isn't that amazing? The only letters that have more capitals are C and S, and since these letters appear the word, "secession," we we will not be discussing any cities that begin with them.

In alphabetical order, Albany comes first. I have no interest in Albany, so we will pretend that the actual capital of New York is Buffalo and move on.

We will also skip Annapolis and Atlanta.

This brings us to Augusta, Maine. Maine is one of two states whose capital should actually be Portland.

Austin is the fifth and final state capital beginning with A. Coincidentally, it rhymes with Boston, which is also a state capital. It is important to note, however, that Boston begins with the letter B, which is not the letter A.

Isn't learning fun?

The End of the Universe

2011-04-06T08:51:00.002-05:00

Two people are walking down the street as though the universe were not going to end anytime soon.

PERSON A: Doesn't it suck to get stuck in traffic?
PERSON B: You bet it does! Especially when it's snowing.
PERSON A: Good point. Weather is the other thing that I like to talk about.
PERSON B: I'm glad we're friends. We have so much in common.
OMINOUS VOICE FROM ABOVE: Attention people of the universe. The universe will be ending in approximately five minutes. You have five minutes to prepare for the end of the universe.
PERSON B: Did you hear that?
PERSON A: Yeah. It was pretty loud.
PERSON B: Huh. So does that mean the universe is ending?
PERSON A: I guess so.
PERSON B: Alas. I am filled with regret.
PERSON A: There's still time to live! The voice said we have five minutes.
PERSON B: But everything I would want to do is at least ten minutes from here.
PERSON A: Oh. Well, would you like to tell me what you regret?
PERSON B: I wish I had collected more box turtles.
PERSON A: Oh yeah, me too.
PERSON B: You can't regret the same thing I regret!
PERSON A: Can too!
PERSON B: If our time wasn't so short, perhaps I could appreciate our mutual love for turtles much as I appreciate our mutual desire to talk about traffic and weather.
PERSON A: Oh, the turtles we could have enjoyed together.
PERSON B: Do you think they'll have turtles after the end of the universe?
PERSON A: Yes I do.
OMINOUS VOICE FROM ABOVE: No they don't.
PERSON A: Dang.
OMINOUS VOICE FROM ABOVE: Got you guys! It's just me! Your friend Steve!
PERSON B: Oh, thank you, Steve! You've helped us discover our mutual love for turtles!
PERSON A: I'm sorry, I actually wasn't being serious about the turtle thing.

Limbo Adventures

2011-04-05T08:52:00.003-05:00

A question scientists have been asking for almost a decade and a half is, whatever happened to the limbo? The once "popular" party dance has all but disappeared from society. We all want to know: what gives?

Unfortunately, scientists have been baffled as to where the limbo has gone, and millions of taxpayer dollars have been wasted in their futile efforts. A scandalous report also recently revealed that most research groups spend up to 70% of their time actually doing the limbo rather than studying it. People want answers.

Thankfully for them, I have some. In the late 1980s, just before the fall of the Soviet Union, limbo groups started springing up in Siberia and the Soviet Republic of Kazakhstan. Once Americans saw that the Russians were limbo-ing, they refused to do it for fear of becoming communist. After the fall of communism, Siberians and Kazakhs discovered the limbo was not cool anymore in the West, so they took up more timely fads like pogs and Magic cards.

Though people may not actually do the limbo anymore, it still lives on in our hearts. Not literally, though, because the limbo is not a living thing, and our hearts are too small for a limbo party to fit.

P.S.-Scientists 0, Ben 1.

An Unstoppable Force

2011-04-04T15:24:00.003-05:00

Follow me, if you will, as I compare the life of this blog to that of a fearsome bear. Pay attention, dear reader, and you shall see how truly apt and terrifying this analogy is. Hopefully your soul will not shudder to visit this blog again in the future, but there is a distinct possibility that it will.

You see, my a comeback for this blog was much like a bear emerging from hibernation. Bears, like this blog, become frustrated with the world around them on a seasonal basis and determine to while their angst away in a depressive sleep for months. Though the blog's angst wore off after just a few months, it, like a bear, preferred the comforts of sleep and chose not to wake up for over a year.

But then the horrors of post-hibernation set in. A bear has the rude awakening of spring, with all the thorny plants, tiny bugs and uncomfortable sweating that go along with it. Similarly, my blog was nearly crushed by an unexpectedly debilitating mouth surgery that kept me from coming to work for a couple days. How can a bear be awesome when it is so threatened? And how can I blog when I'm not at work?

Now, at last, the bear and I can settle into a simple routine. Fish eating. Yes, another thing bears and blogs have in common--a love for the taste of fresh fish. It is part of the perfect symmetry of the universe.

My Ideal Home

2011-03-30T12:24:00.003-05:00

I want to live inside a kangaroo.

Ways this will improve my life:
-Thanks to layers and mucus and what I assume are other unrelentingly pleasant bodily fluids, I will always be warm and comfortable. Whenever I start to feel a little chilly, I can just tuck myself a little deeper in that cozy pouch, rub up extra close to that soft tissue, and warm right up.
-I will never be lonely because I will always have a kangaroo buddy to keep me company. I imagine us becoming something like heroes of the Old West. I'd be the straight man who does all the hard work, and the kangaroo would be the bumbling, wise-cracking sidekick who accidentally saves the day in the end.
-I will probably be in Australia. Most kangaroos do live in Australia, after all. The rest live in zoos. I do not want to live in a kangaroo in a zoo. As much as the rhyme makes that proposition attractive, I do not want to expose myself to ridicule for my aberrant lifestyle.
-Most kangaroo predators are extinct, and most of my predators would be too slow. We would be almost unstoppable. And I could probably teach the kangaroo how to camouflage, so the bears wouldn't even be able to see us.

Ways this will maybe not be such a great idea:
-It will be crowded. Once some joeys start showing up (unlikely, though, since I'm sure to scare off any potential kangaroo mates), there's not going to be a lot of room inside this kangaroo. And I'm not going to sell my stamp collection to make space for a mooch.
-Bouncing up and down will probably make me motion sick. Not that I have much experience traveling in jumps or leaps, but I expect it will be jarring to my stomach.
-My favorite foods will not be readily available, and it will be difficult to go grocery shopping. I haven't read a lot about kangaroos yet, but I'm guessing they don't make a lot of pizza or tacos. And I've seen many a kangaroo get kicked out of a grocery store, so there must be some kind of "no kangaroos" rule that would keep me from buying the food I want.
-Kangaroos are difficult to steer. Say I want to go left, but the kangaroo wants to go right. I have no idea how I'm going to handle such a dilemma.

Knock Knock

2011-03-29T08:51:00.003-05:00

After a two-year hiatus, I'm attempting a comeback. I have abandoned whatever principle initially compelled me to abandon this blog. I return with no plan and no goal, just a full-throttle major blogging explosion.

I shall begin with some bad knock-knock jokes.

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Robot.
Robot who?
Robot police! You're under arrest!

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Seriously, it's the robot police.
Seriously, it's the robot police who?
Seriously, it's the ROBOT POLICE! This isn't a game! We're here for the children you kidnapped! Open up or we'll efficiently and emotionlessly bust down your door!

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Row, row, row your boat.
Row, row, row your boat who?
Row, row, ROBOT POLICE! We're not joking about arresting you, though. We have a warrant to take you to jail for your numerous crimes.

Knock knock.
Who's there?
All your criminal friends.
All your criminal friends who?
All your criminal friends have been eaten alive by the ROBOT POLICE! Your only chance to avoid the same fate is to open the door and be arrested!

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Orange you glad I didn't say robot police? Oh wait...crap, I screwed that one up. I meant to say, aren't you glad I didn't say ROBOT POLICE?

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Boo.
Boo who?
Boo--it's the ROBOT POLICE! And you should stop crying. We didn't actually eat your criminal friends. We are fueled by a combination of battery and solar power, not human flesh.

Thank you.

Bees Unleashed

2010-06-09T10:20:00.003-05:00

I always thought there should be more bees in the news. Cuz everyone likes bees, right? What's not to like about bees? They're like clowns, only funnier and more obviously striped.

So today my hopes were finally realized: "Driver in bee-infested crash ordered something something whatever." I don't know if you need to read the story, since there's a lot of non-bee-related stuff in there. Just check out the following paragraph.

Styrbicky's semi was likely traveling at a "pretty high" speed when it crushed two cars into the back of the other truck hauling more than 17 million bees, Roeske said. Firefighters at the scene battled through clouds of bees released when their hives were destroyed. The cars and the other truck had stopped for road construction.

Wow, seventeen MILLION bees! What if you had your windows down? The bees would pour in! They'd have nowhere else to go but into your car! Your car would become more bee than machine. The hum of the motor would actually be the hum of hundreds of bees that are now controlling your engine. Need to get gas at the next exit? Think again, because your car now runs on bees and bees alone.

And once the bees take over your car's steering, they'll drive you to the nearest bee compound where they'll keep you captive for months. They'll feed you bees for breakfast, lunch and dinner. You'll start to think like a bee, and your correspondence to your family and friends will have an increased usage of the letter "z." Your bee masters will gradually increase your diet of bees until the bees inside you take control and transform you into a hideous human-bee hybrid.

The bee-people will be much more efficient workers than regular people. Regular people will lose their jobs as companies hire bee-people at lower wages. Regular people will spend what little money they have on exorbitantly priced non-bee products, like combs and windows, and bee-people will grow in economic power and take over society. The bee-people will elect a bee president, and the bee president will make it illegal to eat anything but bees, and we'll all become bee-people who re-elect the bee president for an unprecedented 13 terms. Only after 52 years under the tyranny of the same bee will we realize that it was actually several different bees, and we could never tell the difference.

Considering the likelihood of this frightening scenario, we should get to work on writing a Constitutional amendment that prohibits bees from being elected to executive office.

Bad Toast Jokes

2010-03-26T10:03:00.001-05:00

SLICE of BREAD: It’s so cold in here.
SLICE of TOAST: Really? I’m rather toasty.

SLICE of TOAST #1: Would you like anything to drink?
SLICE of TOAST #2: Sure, I do feel a little parched.
SLICE of TOAST #1: Great. And do you mind if I turn the heat down a little bit? It’s getting too toasty.
SLICE of TOAST #2: That’s fine, I was feeling a little toasty myself.

SLICE of TOAST #1: Thank you all for coming to my daughter’s wedding. If you don’t mind, I’d like to make a toast to—
SLICE of TOAST #2: (so loud it interrupts TOAST #1) Brrr...can somebody turn up the heat?
SLICE of TOAST #3: I think it’s toasty enough in here.

(At a beach)
SLICE of TOAST #1: Everybody get out of the water! There’s a shark!
SLICE of TOAST #2: Don’t worry, sharks don’t eat toast.
(Laughter all around)
SLICE of TOAST #1: He’s right! Let’s all enjoy the sun on this beautiful day!
A different SLICE of TOAST: Yes, it certainly is toasty today!

PERSON A: Which do you prefer, bread or toast?
PERSON B: Toast.
PERSON A: Why?
PERSON B: Because it makes me feel toasty!
PERSON A: Why do you always do that?
PERSON B: Do what?
PERSON A: Add –y to the end of a word like it’s funny. It’s annoying.
PERSON B: I don’t always do that. Just sometimes.
PERSON A: Whatever.
PERSON B: Did you just come here to ask me if I liked toast or bread?
PERSON A: Mostly. Also because my house is cold.
PERSON B: Well, come on in! It’s nice and toasty in here!
PERSON A: Why’s that?
PERSON B: Because I just had some toast!

The Schemes of Bears

2010-02-08T15:54:00.001-06:00

Two bears are eyeing a campsite and the people therein.

BEAR #1: So you’re saying, if we kill those humans and take their clothes, they’ll finally let us into the movies?
BEAR #2: Absolutely.
BEAR #1: It just doesn’t sound like it’ll work.
BEAR #2: Listen, I’ve been studying this for weeks now, and the only difference between us and the people they let into the movies is clothes.
BEAR #1: But we’re also much bigger and harrier than people.
BEAR #2: That’s why we tell them that we’re wrestlers.
BEAR #1: Oh.
BEAR #2: Our wrestler names will be Kodiak Bear and Grizzly Bear.
BEAR #1: Won’t that give away the fact that we’re bears?
BEAR #2: Oh, right. I just really like being a bear.
(pause)
BEAR #1: Anyway, I still think there’s gotta be a better way to get into the movies than wearing people clothes and saying we’re famous wrestlers with bear names.
BEAR #2: There’s not. Believe me, I’ve thought about this a lot.
BEAR #1: What about renting a movie?
BEAR #2: I can’t even believe you’d suggest that.
BEAR #1: We have a pretty big TV.
BEAR #2: No. Not when we could go see a movie in real 3-D on a screen eight bears tall and twelve bears wide.
BEAR #1: Oh, I just remembered that they don’t rent to bears anymore.
BEAR #2: Why not?
BEAR #1: I don’t know. Last time I went to rent a movie, they just said no bears. They didn’t give me a reason.
BEAR #2: Then even more reason to kill the humans, steal their clothes and pretend to be wrestlers.
BEAR #1: Maybe we could steal their clothes without killing them.
BEAR #2: Explain.
BEAR #1: Like, when they’re sleeping, we just go into their tent and take their clothes.
BEAR #2: You mean like take their clothes off of them?
BEAR #1: Well, we could, but that would be difficult. I meant like taking the clothes from their bags.
BEAR #2: I still prefer the killing option.
BEAR #1: But they might not let us into the movies if our clothes are bloodied and torn up by bear claws.
BEAR #2: Hmm…but they might let us into the hospital if they thought we were humans who had been attacked by bears. And then we can escape from the hospital and sneak into a movie!
BEAR #1: That is the worst idea—
HUMAN: Look, bears! Everybody run!
BEAR #2: Let’s just get em and go with the hospital idea.
BEAR #1: Fine.

Inside an Apple, or, My Descent into Madness

2009-06-04T12:25:00.003-05:00

Scene: the inside of an apple, which has been hollowed out somehow. Apparently people live there, as two neighbors meet to discuss something.

NEIGHBOR #1: So you just moved in to the apple, huh?
NEIGHBOR #2: Into the what?
NEIGHBOR #1: The apple.
NEIGHBOR #2: This is an apple? I thought we just bought a new house.
NEIGHBOR #1: You did, but your house is inside an apple.
NEIGHBOR #2: How did that happen?
NEIGHBOR #1: How did what happen?
NEIGHBOR #2: How did our new house get inside of an apple?
NEIGHBOR #1: It's always been inside of an apple.
NEIGHBOR #2: But--
NEIGHBOR #1: Oh look, it's the Apple King!
APPLE KING: Hello, how are you on this fine apple day?
NEIGHBOR #2: Hey, I just--
NEIGHBOR #1: We're doing excellent, O wonderful Apple King!
APPLE KING: You haven't seen my baseball card collection, have you?
NEIGHBOR #1: No, I'm afraid we haven't, my king. You lost it again?
APPLE KING: Yes, yes, it always seems to get away from me. Hopefully that dastardly Duke of Pineapple hasn't already gotten his greedy mitts on it.
NEIGHBOR #1: If the Duke shows his face around here, I'll be sure to sock him one for you, your majesty.
APPLE KING: Thank you, loyal serf. I'll remember you the next time there's an opening on the Board of Juicification.
NEIGHBOR #1: Oh king! That's always been my dream!
APPLE KING: Then let us dance the dance of apples!
They dance.
NEIGHBOR #2: Maybe living inside an apple won't be that bad after all.
NEIGHBOR #2'S WIFE: Honey, did you know that our house is inside an apple?
NEIGHBOR #2: I know, Mildred. I know.

Missed Penguins

2009-05-27T13:48:00.003-05:00

Hey everybody! I found a blog the other day (thanks to the indirect recommendation of someone whose company I enjoy, albeit infrequently) that posts illustrations to accompany the "missed connections" personals in New York papers. It's a really beautiful blog, and I mean that sincerely. It also inspired me to write my own version of "missed connections" from the perspective of a penguin. Enjoy!

A Penguin's Missed Connections by Bertrand G. Penguington

I was on one of the trains--I don't know which one it was because I can't read--and you stared at me and smiled while you were talking on the phone with your boyfriend. Your hat was cute. I was the penguin.

You almost got in my cab somewhere around 47th. You said, "Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't know this was taken." I would have said that you could join me, but I couldn't open my beak fast enough. In case you don't remember, I was the penguin.

You're the only other penguin I've met in this penguin-forsaken city. I was also a penguin.

You kicked me when you were walking down the street somewhere in Manhattan. Maybe it was an accident, but you didn't even apologize. Do you hate penguins? (I was the penguin, by the way.)

I caught your eyes when we were at the zoo. Maybe you were wondering what I was doing walking around like a regular person. I was wondering if you'd like to go out to dinner. I hope you date penguins.

I muttered something under my breath about how a penguin can't get a break in this world, and you helped cheer me up. Then you threw me out the bus window. That was not cool, and I wanted you to know that.

Adventures in Urban Pigeon Hunting

2009-05-21T09:20:00.004-05:00

A while back, my roommate Yorick (name changed to protect said roommate from legal action) bought a blow gun so he could take out the pigeons that so persistently poop on our doorstep and mailbox. To most this may seem like an extreme reaction to a minor problem, and it probably is. But I'm not here to criticize.

So check this out:

This, friends, is a pigeon with a dart in its neck. As if that wasn't already pretty obvious.

So in the course of Yorick's hunting, he's nailed many-a-pigeon in the neck, but he's only had one confirmed kill. Most of the time he hits them and they just fly off, presumably to die elsewhere. Apparently, though, they never die and end up flying around with these darts stuck in 'em like nothing ever happened.

We all knew pigeons were stupid. But stupid enough to go on living and pooping like normal despite the unrelenting presence of a dart in the neck? That's beyond what any of us could have hoped or dreamed.

The greatest insult of all? This pigeon is going to poop on our doorstep so much more now. Or maybe the greatest insult will be when one of these pigeon shows up at the police station and "Yorick" ends up getting arrested after a lengthy sting operation. In either case, it would have been much more efficient to use a bazooka.

The Magnificent Game

2009-05-01T12:45:00.003-05:00

The Internets are alive today with thoughts on the incredible Game 6 of the Bulls-Celtics playoff series, and I haven't been able to stop thinking about it. Bulls won in 3 overtimes. In six games, there have been seven overtimes, and five of those six games have been decided by one play. It's incredible. It being fresh in my mind, I wanted to record some thoughts. I'll post something funny later.

Since Game 3 or 4, some people have been calling this possibly the best playoff series in NBA history. It's been that good. But what really gets me is the fan reaction after Game 6. People haven't just been talking about the team they want to win, but they're talking about their love for the game, and how that love is captured in this moment (or series of moments).

Sports almost never does this, but it can reach a level where it brings something out of us, the fans, that transcends the game. I mean, every sports fan wants to see a good game, and we see a lot of bad ones, but every fifty years or so there's something that's more than just a good game. It's something that brings people together, even people who really wouldn't care otherwise. This Bulls-Celtics series is approaching something special like that. I know it sounds ridiculous, but if you read around the net, you'll know what I mean.

If you'll allow me to get really overdramatic, it reminds me of the Miracle on Ice. People got on board for this Olympic hockey game like never before, and maybe hockey was more popular in 1980, but even then, this game brought the country together. A hockey game. In 1980, the only hockey teams south of the Mason-Dixon line were in LA and Atlanta, and the Atlanta team moved to Canada the following season. Somehow, this game that appealed more to some Canadians than most Americans still caught our hearts. I don't think we can imagine anything, let alone a sports game, uniting us like that today. But it was about more than patriotism or anything like that. As easy as it was to draw political lines, that doesn't speak to the heart of the fanaticism over a hockey game. This was something more, something you can't put your finger on. And the feeling everybody got when those guys won, well, see Miracle. I cry every time I watch that movie.

It makes me want to part of a Magnificent Game. We love games like this because we want to be part of something like that. We want the struggle, the back-and-forth, the come-from-behind victory, the back-breaking impossible play. But since most of us will never be in a sports moment like that, we want that with our lives. That's why it speaks to our hearts and not just our rooting interests, because the struggle really matters.

We can make a game out of everything, but how do you make it truly Magnificent? We play the money game, the sex game, the fame game, the knowledge game, whatever. But to really matter, you have to have a magnificent goal, a magnificent end. If I play for money my whole life, it won't mean a thing in the end. I want to think eternally, and then I want to think about how my life can be a Magnificent Game forever. I mean, whoever wins this Bulls-Celtics series will get beat by LeBron and the Cavs. In the bizarre chance that one of these teams wins the championship, then they play for a few more years, get old, retire, and maybe even end up trying to sell their championship rings on eBay (as many former champions are doing now). It's a fading glory at best.

I need something that really matters. So I want to struggle against evil and fight for truth. I want to fight back when I'm down one (or ten), even if the devil keeps coming back and taking the lead from me. And there's so many ways to take this metaphor, like designing the right plays and going for the unbelievable shots, but I'll just leave it at that. To me, it comes down to whether I'm playing the right game.

Glowing Cats 2: Glowing Dogs

2009-04-28T10:37:00.003-05:00

In what is fast becoming a South Korean Renaissance, South Korean scientists have now cloned glowing dogs.

You may remember a very similar story from about a year and a half ago in which South Korean scientists cloned glowing cats.

The glowing cats were a surprise. It was surprising that there was a scientific endeavor to make animals glow in the dark. It was surprising that it worked. It was surprising that they were cloned. It was surprising that it happened in South Korea.

The glowing dogs are not nearly as interesting. And I hate cats. Honestly, dogs are supposed to be way cooler, and I just can't get excited about this. The dogs don't even glow very brightly. If they fought in the dark, the cats would totally lose because they'd be way more visible.

I can't say this glowing dogs move was predictable, though. I mean, I think that once you clone glowing cats, you'd pretty much call it a day on the cloning of animals that glow. I'm sure there are people out there who, after cloning their first glowing animal, would say, "Now I need to make them all glow!" But I figured none of those people would actually be scientists.

The news story claims that these dogs were cloned with "techniques that could help develop cures for human diseases." If this were actually true, these scientists would have started on those cures after the glowing cats thing worked out. This was all about the glowing animals.

Perhaps less predictable than all of this, though, is that my blog is gradually becoming South-Korea-themed.

Second Dolphin-Related Post This Month

2009-04-21T08:38:00.002-05:00

Let's be honest with ourselves. Nobody knows the difference between dolphins and porpoises. The sooner we can own up to that, the better.

Speaking of porpoises, I'm rediscovering my love for purpose/porpoise wordplay. Please enjoy the following examples of it!

NASA DIRECTOR: (Immediately following a spaceship explosion) I sure hope that was an accident.
SOME GUY: Actually, I did it on porpoise.
(Everybody laughs)

QUESTIONING GUY: What does this button do?
ANSWERING GUY: The porpoise of that button is to turn on the awesome alarm.
QUESTIONING GUY: Did you say "porpoise"?
ANSWERING GUY: Umm, no, I said purpose.
QUESTIONING GUY: I could have sworn you said "porpoise."
ANSWERING GUY: OK, yeah, I did say "porpoise."

KID: Hey daddy, look at the dolphin!
DAD: Actually, son, that's a purpose.
KID: A purpose?
DAD: Oh wait, I guess it is a dolphin.

Sheep

2009-04-02T15:52:00.005-05:00

Hey, what happened to all the sheep? They were here just a second ago. Seriously, like 400 sheep, and now they're all gone. That many sheep don't just disappear. Or if they do, there's no precedent for it, so I'm reluctant to believe it.

I mean, I just went to get a hot dog. It's not like I fell asleep while watching The English Patient like last time. The sheep definitely didn't have three hours to plan and execute an escape.

Man, this hot dog is good.

But seriously, did you see where the sheep went? Of course you didn't. You were too busy thinking about the hot dog you were selling me, weren't you? Man, you hot dog salesman are all the same. You don't care about anything but hot dogs. And as soon as someone loses track of 400 sheep, you're all, "I didn't see anything. I was just selling some hot dogs." Typical.

Being a shepherd really sucks, you know? I used to be a software technician, but I got laid off. Now it's just me and the sheep. Or, I guess now it's just me. Just me and this delicious hot dog.

When I got this job, the boss explicitly told me never to take my eyes off the sheep. But what am I supposed to do? Not get a hot dog? I guess he has a point, though. I did lose track of all the sheep.

I don't care if I get fired for losing all those sheep. This hot dog is so worth it.

I am a little curious, though. What ever happened to all those sheep? Maybe we'll never know.

Oh, there they are.

The Ugly Dolphin

2009-04-01T09:05:00.003-05:00

Ever wondered what it'd be like to be a dolphin without a nose?

Approximately 6,000 dolphins do not wonder that. They are familiar with how it feels to be noseless dolphins.

Hopefully that answers any questions you might have.

Honey

2009-03-27T08:18:00.002-05:00

Hey, anybody remember the 19__ sequel to Honey, I Shrunk the Kids, Honey, I Blew Up the Kid? Someone reminded me of it last weekend, and I'm still really upset about how misleading that title is.

Seriously, how hard would it have been to call it, Honey, I Enlarged the Kid or, Honey, the Kid Got a Lot Bigger Somehow, and It's Probably My Fault? Did no one at Disney realize that title might be a problem, or did they really just think that "Blew Up" was probably the best they could do?

When the movie first came out, I remember being really excited about the explosion that was sure to take place. (I have no idea why I was excited about seeing an exploding child; it's probably just that explosions are cool.) This sequel was definitely be better, if only because of the promise that things would blow up.

Now that I know a little bit more about movies, though, I'm pretty sure one where Rick Moranis explodes his child would be VERY boring. The first 20 minutes establish some kind of emotional connection with the characters, then the kid explodes somehow, and the rest of the movie is just about grief interspersed with a few scenes of marriage counseling. And I'm pretty sure that movie sucked when it was called Titanic.

On a side note, Honey, I Shrunk the Kids was a misleading title as well. I think the kids shrunk themselves. Rick Moranis totally didn't need to take responsibility for that. Rather, it should have been called, Honey, Our Idiot Kids Shrunk Themselves, So Be Careful about Mowing the Lawn.

The Roman Empire

2009-03-25T16:04:00.002-05:00

In the Roman forum, or something, where special Roman folks gather. Actually, there aren't many people gathered there. Just Caesar and some other Roman guy.

CAESAR: What say ye, faithful Tortus?
TORTUS: Well, the suggestion box has been up at the city gates for a week now. I gotta tell ya, Caesar, we got quite a few suggestions.
CAESAR: I trust that you screened them for me.
TORTUS: Pretty much. There were about 50-some that suggested we abolish slavery, so I threw those out.
CAESAR: Haha, the slaves are always good for a laugh.
TORTUS: Indeed!
CAESAR: Were there any other good suggestions?
TORTUS: I wouldn't call them good, per se. Interesting, perhaps.
CAESAR: Such as?
TORTUS: Someone suggested we change your title from "Caesar" to "Bubbles."
CAESAR: Bubbles?
TORTUS: Actually, it's "Bubbles the Dancing Cat," but I shortened it.
CAESAR: Hmm. What do you think about it, Tortus?
TORTUS: I...uh...while I'm not opposed to changing your glorious title, I don't think--
CAESAR: Silence!
TORTUS: (is silent)
CAESAR: Henceforth, we shall be known as Bubbles the Dancing Cat. Anything else?
TORTUS: Yes, there was another suggestion that I liked. It said, "Invent velcro."
CAESAR: What is velcro?
TORTUS: I don't know, but it sounds pretty good.
CAESAR: Very well. It is done.
TORTUS: Thank you, Caesar.
CAESAR: Tortus. Call me Bubbles.

Never Gonna Leave You

2009-03-24T15:59:00.003-05:00

I think I just discovered why I can't quit blogging.

Don't get me wrong here, little fella, I wasn't thinking about it. You may have thought that I was done, quit-zo, out for good, that the last nail was in the coffin. But something in me just couldn't let this bag go.

Yet even though I couldn't quit, I couldn't keep going either. Where was my inspiration? Where was the joie d'blogging?

At last, I found it. Or more specifically, I found it almost a year ago but had since forgotten about it. Now, as I come across it once again, it pierces my soul and whispers, "Blog, damn you. Blog like you've never blogged before."

Crazy devil-eyed man set to the background of "Total Eclipse of the Heart" by Bonnie Tyler, you are my Mona Lisa, my muse, the song of my soul. You have flown into my heart and breathed new life into the part of it that loves to waste time on the Internet. I am forever grateful.

See everybody in July!

Taco Alliteration

2009-03-09T12:24:00.002-05:00

I've recently observed that tacos taste much better with alliteration, a la "Taco Tuesday." In most cases alliteration is annoying, a la "Washington Wizards," but in the case of tacos, it greatly increases their deliciousness. So tonight I was pretty sure I'd eat some spaghetti and read a book, since it's Monday.

Thankfully, I'm hanging out with some friends tonight to watch a movie called, "Troll." What a perfectly alliterative partner for tacos! Whether we call it Taco Troll or Troll Tacos makes no difference to me. All I know is that they both begin with the letter T.

Here's a plot outline of the movie, adjusted to be more taco-centric.

Torok is an ancient troll, and he is using the body of Wendy Anne to disguise himself as a taco, in order to turn an apartment building into a taco bar. Wendy's newly-moved family is just settling in, and while her parents, who don't particularly like tacos, suspect nothing, her brother Harry notices an increase in Wendy's taco-cravings instantly. Using an emerald ring, Torok transforms the residents into piles of cheese and salsa to restore his old taco-flavored world in which he once lived in many years ago. We soon discover Torok is the ex-husband of Eunice St. Clair, a resident in the building who was married to Torok long ago before he became his taco-mad self.

Who wouldn't want to see this movie?

Parrots

2009-03-06T15:37:00.003-06:00

Parrots: are they most annoying creature in existence? Do they actually have vocal cords? Are their beaks totally hollow or just partially hollow? Are the secretly scheming with the dog to steal your favorite shirt, run away and get a job down by the docks?

The answer to all those questions is, most definitely. And I realize the third question there is not a yes or no question, but I don't think it matters.

For years people have loved parrots for their obnoxiously loud noises, their ability to reproduce meaningless phrases, and their penchant to reveal condemning secrets at opportune moments thereby leading to solutions in otherwise unsolvable murder mysteries. And that's all great, but this parrot seriously looks like it's going to tear my head off. It's HUGE. There is no way that bird is shorter than seven feet tall.

And look at the eye. It looks like it just tasted human blood...and it wants more.

Better Deals

2009-02-27T09:22:00.003-06:00

I started "reading" "the paper" a few months ago. (I put "the paper" in quotes because I haven't read anything in print since 2001. And I put "reading" in quotes because I'm illiterate.) In my reading this morning, I encountered an interesting article documenting yet another detail in the depravity of mankind.

Apparently a woman traded two children to an infertile couple for a pet cockatoo and some cash. $175, to be precise.

This, while absolutely horrifying, is a terrible deal. Two children should be able to draw at least two cockatoos. I mean, it hardly seems an even trade to get one bird for two presumably healthy human beings.

According to the article, the bird was for sale for $1500, so this woman, who originally just wanted to buy the bird, offered the kids for the bird instead, and the $175 for legal fees for the adoption. So many things wrong with this deal. I'll just go through them one by one.

-Breaking this down mathematically, each kid ends up going for about $850. Even in this economy, a five-year-old would have no problem pulling $2000 on the open market.
-If I was a bird owner and reasonably thought someone would buy my bird for $1500, it would be much more profitable for me to sell the bird than to trade it for two items that will end up costing me like a million dollars over the next fifteen years.
-The woman trading these kids wasn't even their mother! GAH! This all happened in Louisiana, and the mother is apparently somewhere in Texas, doing God knows what. She left them in the care of this woman, who apparently has a significant arrest record, so big surprise that the kids were almost traded for a pet bird.
-Why would you want a payoff for legal fees when this deal is so clearly illegal? And if it was just a chance to collect some quick cash, why not ask for more than $175? It's almost as if she thought about how much she could reasonably ask for and still pass it off as a "legal fee," which would officially make this the most thought-out part of the whole deal.
-When the kids were taken into police custody, someone from the sherrif's office commented, "The kids were well-dressed and seemed to be treated good." Grammar issues aside, I assume this means that at least one of them had shoes and that they were wearing shirts under their overalls.
-Who wants a cockatoo anyway?

Seriously, this was all motivated by a cockatoo. One of these:

I don't get it.

To Live in South Korea

2008-12-19T13:39:00.008-06:00

The South Koreans are at it again.

First glowing cats, now this: a brawl in Parliament.

Actually, "brawl" is kind of an understatement. Here's what I think happened, based on the articles I skimmed: the ruling party introduced a bill for a free trade agreement with the U.S., but the opposition party was opposed (obviously, right?), so the ruling barricaded themselves in the committee room so that the opposition party couldn't get in, so the opposition party started fighting in the hallway and eventually took a sledgehammer to the door, and when they finally knocked the door in, they discovered that a lot of furniture had been piled up as a second line of defense.

This, friends, is why democracy is awesome. Maybe if this happened in the US, people would actually watch CSPAN.

Let's look at some pictures of the event, fresh with blogged commentary! What an original idea!

How do they know who to fight? They all look the same! I mean, they're all wearing the same thing. Also, if I were in this fight, I would be really upset at all those photographers and reporters for A) pinning us in so we don't even have room to throw a punch, and B) not helping out AT ALL.

What do you wanna bet that they're all shouting in perfect unison? If you're betting that they are, then you just lost however much money you bet on that. What do you wanna bet that they're not shouting at all, they're just waiting for someone to spoon-feed them a meatball? If that's the case, guy needs to open wider.

I don't need to comment on these pictures at all. This is completely absurd in its own right. This is a legislative situation that required the use of a sledgehammer. I'm lost for words. And yet it gets even more bizarre.

OK, let's not even talk about the fire hose. We can all tell that that's pretty stupid. But look at the bottom of the furniture-barrier pile. Is it just me, or is that a bed? That opens a whole new dimension of what-the-hell-is-going-on-here.

This, to me, is the pinnacle of the whole thing. The ruling party takes this standoff to a new level by spraying the opposition with a fire extinguisher. There is no hope for the opposition in this one. They're just effed. They can't even burn the building down cuz they know the guys inside can extinguish the fire.

And apparently this happens pretty regularly.

I Had a Dream

2008-12-18T09:53:00.004-06:00

Last night I had a dream. I dreamt that it was 68 degrees outside. All the snow had melted, and all the grass was green. We went outside for a walk, and we laughed because life was full of joy. The lakes were beautiful. Everyone smiled as we walked by. It was comfortably warm, we didn't have a care in the world, and it would never be cold again.

It's quite possible that I died for a little while and went to heaven.

Then I woke up and it was less than 60 degrees in my house.

My subconscious is so cruel.

When We Were Armless

2008-12-17T11:47:00.002-06:00

Have you ever imagined what it would be like if your arms fell off while you were playing basketball? I haven't...until now.

It'd probably suck a lot. You couldn't dribble, shoot or touch the ball. And if you went out for a burger later, wouldn't be able to pick up the burger and bring it to your mouth, nor could you pull out your wallet to pay for it. And when you went back to your apartment, you wouldn't be able to turn your key in the door, but even if you could, you wouldn't be able to turn the knob to open the door.

So I decided to make a list of things that armless people can do that people with arms cannot do. Here it is.

-Nothing.

Seriously, if our arms fell off in the middle of a basketball game, we'd be so screwed. We should probably go ahead and surrender to the Japanese now. At least then we'll still have our dignity, even if we don't have arms.

There's a Hole in the Bucket

2008-12-17T10:35:00.002-06:00

HENRY: Hey Liza, there's a hole in the bucket.
LIZA: Cain't you see I'm busy, Henry?
HENRY: I'm tellin' you, Liza, there's a hole in the bucket!
LIZA: Well what do you want me to do about it?
HENRY: I--I just thought I should tell ya is all.
LIZA: Maybe insteada whinin' to me you could just go on and fix it!
HENRY: Well maybe if I knew how to fix it I would'na come whinin'!
LIZA: Henry, I am sick and tired of yer constant complainin'! I'm on my knees here in the kitchen day after day, and not once do I get a thank you, and now you come to me and tell me there's a hole in the bucket. Well excuse me, dear Henry, if I don't give a flying horse pattutie!
HENRY: But you know how I need the bucket, Liza!
LIZA: Henry! What did I just now say? And what do you need the gosh-darned bucket for, anyway?
HENRY: Them aliens out there said they wanted it.
LIZA: Why didn't you just give it to 'em?
HENRY: Like I been tellin' you, Liza, there's a hole in the bucket!
LIZA: But they're aliens, Henry! Don't they have a magic fix-up-the-bucket ray?
HENRY: Would I be tellin' you there was a hole in the bucket if the aliens fixed it up with a fancy ray gun?
LIZA: I wouldn't be surprised if you did.
(The aliens enter the kitchen)
ALIEN #1: We don't want your bucket anymore.
HENRY: How come?
ALIEN #1: We found one that didn't have a hole.
ALIEN #2: Also, we ate your dog.
(Exit aliens)
HENRY: If you'da just done fixed the bucket for me, Rupert'd still be alive.
LIZA: Just get a new bucket. I mean, dog. Get a new dog.

The Mayor

2008-12-12T10:38:00.003-06:00

You may have noticed that I'm not writing as consistently as I used to. Let me assure you, faithful readers, that this is not my fault. It's because the Mayor of my blog, in an effort to reduce municipal spending, has cut the power to this blog for weeks at a time. I've invited him here to explain himself, and he's finally taken me up on the offer.

Hi, I'm the Mayor.

That's me right there in that picture, hanging out in my office. I had an aide take that picture after I bashed in that steel cube. I remember that being a good day--had a Wendy's hamburger, bashed that cube, watered the plants. Come to think of it, that's probably the best picture of me in existence.

But let's not dwell on how awesome I look, though it's certainly one of the main reasons I got elected. We're here to talk fiscal policy, an issue very important to my administration. The biggest challenged I've faced as the Mayor is getting this blog's budget under control. You would not believe the wild spending that's gone on here under the previous administration. Ice cream socials, square dancing, lizard racing. You name it.

I was elected to bring some discipline to this blog, but honestly, I've been really busy, so spending has gotten even more out of control. The writer of this blog would have you believe that I cut the power in order to save money, but actually, I just haven't paid our electric bill in months, so the energy company cut us off. Maybe if I hadn't eaten so many Wendy's hamburgers on the taxpayers' dime, this wouldn't have happened. But who am I kidding, those hamburgers are too good to pass up.

Hope this explains things. I'll see you next election season!

Your Wonderful Mayor,
Mayor Rod Stodder

Dear Man-Eating Catfish

2008-12-11T16:16:00.004-06:00

Letters from various losers to a man-eating catfish

Dear Man-Eating Catfish,
Are you really a catfish? My friend told me you were a whale shark. Is my friend a liar?
Sincerely,
Jimmy

Dear Jimmy,
Let me answer your question with a question: why would they call me The Man-Eating Catfish if I was actually a whale shark? That seems pretty stupid to me. If I was a whale shark, it'd make a lot more sense to call me The Man-Eating Whale Shark.

In response to your second question, the only way I could know if your friend was a liar is if I ate him. Please mail him to China so I can eat him, and I will get back to you as soon as possible.

Yours,
Man-Eating Catfish

Dear Man-Eating Catfish,
Why did you eat two of my friends?
Sincerely,
Boy in China without name

Dear Boy,
The first one was so tasty, I had to eat another one. It's like you and when you get to eat. Assuming you are distributed more than one potato chip, it tastes so good that you have to eat another one. So it is with me when I ate your friends. If you would like to be eaten, feel free to stop by later. I know you aren't busy because I ate your friends.

Yours,
Man-Eating Catfish

Dear Man-Eating Catfish,
My family is enslaved in a salt mine. We've been here as long as I can remember. I have heard tales of your heroism. Please come and rescue us.
Sincerely,
Slave #341

Dear Slave #341,
I think you made that all up just now. But I can't be sure unless I eat you. A lot of people think it's weird that I have to eat them to know if they're telling the truth, but they shouldn't make such a big deal about it. I could be of great help to your country's justice system by eating their witnesses in order to verify their testimony. I suggest you write to your home country's goverment and tell them about how I eat people.

Yours,
Man-Eating Catfish

Dear Man-Eating Catfish
I think you're a liar. Maybe you should eat yourself.

Dear Whoever-you-are,
That would be very stupid. A man-eating catfish eating a man-eating catfish? I've never heard of anything more absurd. Good luck with asking stupid questions in the future, and better luck getting eaten by me.

Yours,
Man-Eating Catfish

The Revenge of Winter 2: The Revenge

2008-12-11T15:36:00.003-06:00

As you may or may not know, I hate winter. This year, though, it's gotten much worse. While in the past winter has only gone after me, this year it decided to go after the things I love.

This morning it took out my cattle herd.

Yes, that is a picture of my cows. You can barely even tell, after what winter did to them. Led them out into a valley and then dumped fourteen tons of snow on them. The ones that didn't freeze to death died from not being able to look at anything (a common cause of death among cows). I loved those cows so much.

First my ant farm and now this. Why are people and seasons so intent on destroying my attempts at farming? Pretty soon I'll have nothing left to farm but tofu and half-eaten beans. And if any of you even thinks of touching my tofu farm, I'ma break your arm right out of its universe.

The Life of a Sea Lion

2008-12-09T09:59:00.003-06:00

When I was 13, I became a sea lion for about three weeks. That's what I want to tell you about today. I've kept it a secret for a long time because it was one of the more embarrassing times of my life, but it's time I come clean. I hope you can still respect me, even though you now know that I was once a sea lion.

I just woke up one day on a dock in San Francisco, and I was a sea lion. Though I wasn't expecting to become an animal two time zones away from my house, I wasn't that upset about it. I figured I'd just go with the flow, sit on the dock with the other sea lions. Once I adjusted to the fact that I was a sea lion, I figured I'd just spend my days resting on the dock and eating fish until maybe I'd turn back into myself. But life as a sea lion isn't that easy.

Apparently sea lions are responsible for the majority of car thefts along the whole West Coast. After about an hour of sitting around on the dock, one of the other sea lions spoke up. "Whose turn is it this week?" he said. I had no idea what he was talking about, but someone said, "It's Ninglemuffy's turn!" Someone else, presumably Ninglemuffy, said, "No, I stole the '95 Accord last week!"

It turned out to be my turn, of course. And how a sea lion steals cars without arms or legs is still beyond me. But I ended up pulling a guy out of his Saturn at a stoplight and taking the car. Drove it straight into the ocean, which is apparently what these guys do with the cars they steal. Since the ocean usually isn't clear, you can't tell, but there are something like 800 cars submerged in the San Francisco bay.

Three weeks later I woke up as myself. I explained it all to my brother and asked him if a sea lion had taken over my body for those weeks. He told me that I'd actually tried to become an Olympic speed skater. And truthfully, that wasn't too different from what I wanted to be all along.

To the Greenish Fields of Canada

2008-12-08T12:53:00.003-06:00

Dear Sir or Madam,
I regrettably must decline your offer to apply for your credit card as I will be indisposed for approximately the next three and a half years. You see, I am in quite the bind, as I owe my cable company over one million dollars, and, in their attempts to collect, I have accidentally murdered at least three cable guys. (I say "at least" because I'm not sure how many cable people were in the cable van that exploded near my house.) As a result, I must flee the country and seek political asylum before law enforcement officials arrive.

You may think that a new credit card would be an integral asset for such a journey, to which I reply, cease your endless product-pushing! I am a human being. I am not a pumpkin, to be toyed with, abused, or mocked. I cry. I bleed. I am not very different from you, sir or madam. You and I, we don't need good interest rates to lead fulfilling lives. We just need to make it to Canada, and I should leave soon, at that.

I respect your position, though, credit card supplier company, and I can understand your confusion at receiving a letter refusing your offer, let alone a letter from an alleged felon with mountains of debt most likely never to be paid back. I write you because I respect you and have sympathy for your position. It's probably not an easy job, sending out letters that most people will never open, paying for so much postage and getting so little return. I want you to know that you are valued, unlike some employees of a certain cable company. Fight the good fight, sir or madam. Don't give up just because it's hard and you never get the recognition you deserve.

When I told some of my friends that I was going to Canada, they suggested that Mexico would be some hundreds of miles closer, but the Mexicans are not my kind of people. I belong with the Canadians and their eight-month winters, their plain-looking high school students, their lack of representation in the United Nations Security Council, and their presumably free cable. Maybe someday we'll meet their under its hazy skies and recount the days of credit card offers and running cross-country from bloated police officers. We'll laugh, and our grandchildren will play together in Canada's relatively clean, infrequently mowed fields.

Until then,
Robert Louis Stevenson

Rock Bands of the '80s Interview Series: Part 1

2008-11-25T10:33:00.003-06:00

Interview with REO Speedwagon

ME: Thanks for coming, guys!
DAVE AMATO: What? Where the hell are we?
KEVIN CRONIN: Mmmhmm...grmmm....
DAVE AMATO: Wake up, Kevin!
NEAL DOUGHTY: Kevin! Wake up!
KEVIN CRONIN: What? What's going on?
NEAL DOUGHTY: We don't know. We just woke up here too.
BRUCE HALL: Hey, let us go, man!
ME: So what would you say are your guys' biggest influences?
KEVIN CRONIN: Was I drugged?
DAVE AMATO: We all were.
BRUCE HALL: We're all tied up too!
KEVIN CRONIN: Why is it so dark? Where's Bryan?
BRYAN HITT: Hello?
NEAL DOUGHTY: Bryan? Are you awake?
BRYAN HITT: I think so. Are we still playing that show tonight?
DAVE AMATO: I don't know, Bryan. I don't know.
BRUCE HALL: So are you gonna untie us, or what?
ME: Guys, guys, calm down. Let's talk about your first album.
NEAL DOUGHTY: This guy's completely insane.
BRUCE HALL: We're gonna have to try to escape. Bryan, you distract him while we make a run for it.
BRYAN HITT: How come I'm always the distraction?
KEVIN CRONIN: Cuz you didn't play on any of our good albums.
BRYAN HITT: Neither did Dave.
DAVE AMATO: Shut up!
KEVIN CRONIN: Oh man, I think I'm gonna throw up.
BRUCE HALL: Are you gonna torture us or something, man?
ME: Great story, fellas. Well, that's all the time we have! Thanks for making it out here, REO Speedwagon. (Gets up and leaves)
BRUCE HALL: Hey! You can't just leave us here! We're REO Speedwagon!
NEAL DOUGHTY: Technically only Kevin and I are REO Speedwagon. We're the only original members.
KEVIN CRONIN: (pukes all over himself)
BRYAN HITT: There's no way out, is there?
DAVE AMATO: Guys, since we may not make it out of here alive, I just want to say, I'm sorry for writing "Take it on the Run."
NEAL DOUGHTY: Dude, Gary wrote that song.
DAVE AMATO: I know, but since I took his place, I take responsibility for it.
NEAL DOUGHTY: You're such a douchebag. If I didn't play keyboards, I would so kick you out of the band.
BRYAN HITT: Guys?
BRUCE HALL: Yeah Bryan?
BRYAN HITT: Do you think anybody's gonna miss us?
(pause, during which Kevin mumbles the lyrics to "Keep on Loving You" to himself)
NEAL DOUGHTY: No.
BRUCE HALL: Yeah, probably not.
KEVIN CRONIN: I've wasted my life.

The War for Wikipedia

2008-11-24T13:34:00.002-06:00

Gordon Remote was hanging out in the high school library one day, bored, when all of a sudden it hit him: why not rally the masses for an all-out assault on Wikipedia? It was just there on the Internet, waiting to be prank-edited en masse. He had made several fake edits of his own only to check back five minutes later to see they'd been reversed. This time, though, he'd get so many people together that the editors couldn't possibly keep up.

The plan came together so effortlessly it was like it had been divinely inspired: start a facebook event that declared the date of the attack, invite all his nerdo facebook friends to join in, have them invite all their nerdo friends, and then wait for the day when they could go at it. He ran to the computer room and created the event. "The War for Wikipedia," he called it. A self-important smile crept across his face as he filled in the details. The date was set: 1/11.

Later that day, a Wikipedia editor performed a facebook search for "Wikipedia," a task the staff was required to do once every five minutes every day. When this editor discovered the facebook event so recently created, he shuddered in horror. He quickly alerted the rest of the Wikipedia super-staff.

"What are we going to do?" he asked.
"The only thing we can do," the Wikipedia boss answered. "Start a counter-event on facebook and get as many people as we can to join our side and fight for the truth and sanctity of freely editable information."

Over the following weeks, the facebook events' attendance grew, but it was clear from the beginning that Wikipedia would be fighting an uphill battle against Gordon and the vandals. By the day before the attack, the latter group, nicknamed "The Lunchroom Liberators," outnumbered the former, "The Champions of Wiki," at least 3:1. It seemed the Wikipedians would have too much to handle.

"I don't think I can do it," said one of the more cowardly Wikipedians. "There are too many of them."
"We have to fight, Jimmy. We can't let those commies do whatever they want."
"I...I guess you're right."
"That's the spirit, Jimmy. Now keep practicing your edit maneuvers. We all need to ready for tomorrow."

They waited for the battle in the morning. The Wikipedia staff and their recruits gathered in computer rooms around the country, anxiously refreshing the edit history of popular articles, waiting for the first shot to be fired. Then it came--somebody replaced every other word of the Twyla Tharp article with the word "fart." So the editing and re-editing began.

After hours of fiercely chasing down and undoing edits, the Wikipedians lost pace. The work of the vandals nearly doubled, then tripled, as reinforcements arrived. The Wikipedians tried to keep up, but it seemed like the effort was lost. They fought valiantly into the night, but at approximately 9:05 PM, they surrendered.

Gordon demanded at first that he be declared King of the Internet with power to do virtually anything he saw fit. When they informed him that such a position was impossible to hold, he settled on acquiring dominion over the Wiktionary and getting every other word in Wikipedia changed to "fart."

And peace was once again restored to the Internets.

Prophet Ben

2008-11-21T09:55:00.004-06:00

Holy canoli, guys. I just noticed that I correctly picked the winner of the World Series at the beginning of July. The post in which I made the prediction is mostly garbage, but check out the end where I suggest that we celebrate The Day Before Independence Day with the Phillies winning the World Series. I was right!

Even though I don't really follow baseball, and I wasn't even trying to make a pick for the World Series, this is pretty amazing. At the time I said that, the Phillies were a relatively mediocre 44-39, and they'd just come off a streak where they only won 2 of their last 13. It was a gutsy pick, but it paid off.

While I still have this spirit of prophecy, I'd like to make a few other bold predictions. Feel free to react as if these were true, because they almost certainly will be at some point in the future.

-Mustard will overtake ketchup as the most popular condiment.
-Australia will replace the United States as the dominant world power.
-Brazil will become the first country to send a samba musician to the moon.
-Zombies will take over the entirety of Europe and Asia, but Africa will be spared because the zombies are afraid of water and will not cross the Suez canal.
-Huey Lewis and the News will make a dramatic comeback, and their album will reach number one on the billboard charts. Shortly thereafter they will begin a war against all other musicians to cement their position at the top.
-Dogs will finally learn to talk.

Christine + Jim

2008-11-20T11:10:00.005-06:00

Recently, Jim and Christine, a couple good friends of mine who happen to be getting married (and who appear to have stopped blogging), asked me to write the history of their relationship and read it at their wedding. I'm pretty sure only about half the wedding party and a couple other people would laugh, so I'm blogging it as a test run. These things tend to work better in writing (my speech at my friend's wedding did not go over well), but let me know if it totally sucks turtles.

This is truly--and literally--a match made in the heavens. Jim was born on Mars, and Christine was born on Venus (which, incidentally, explains why Christine loves volcanoes and acid rain and why Jim is red). Contrary to popular convention that suggest men are from Mars and women are from Venus, these two were the first human beings ever born on either planet. Shortly after their birth, they were launched toward the earth on a collision course with love.

I knew Christine fairly well in junior high and high school. I remember one time when we were hanging out in Uptown and she went to see that crazy fortune teller. Christine went in alone, and when she came out, she said the fortune teller told her that she'd fall in love with a man named James Schofield. That was bad news for our friend Geronimo McRobots, who had a crush on Christine at the time, though after an Internet search for James Schofield produced no results, he still foolishly believed he had a chance. The fortune teller also told Christine that her first born child would be raised by wolves...but only time will tell on that one.

I've only known Jim for a couple years, and I still remember when we first met. It was at a men's retreat in the Pacific Northwest. We were all crying and sharing our feelings, when all of a sudden a giant bear broke through the wall and swallowed one of our friends whole. Most of us were too frightened to do anything, but Jim leaped into action. He threw his hatchet at the bear, nailing it right in the skull, and then he ripped apart the bear's chest and stomach with his bare hands, setting our friend free. I remember thinking, this guy might be good for my friend Christine. You may be interested to know that they served that very bear for the wedding dinner.

Then there was that fateful moment when Jim and Christine first met, about an hour ago. How lucky they are to have found each other, and that everybody else there was so nicely dressed.

Here's to you, Jim and Christine! I look forward to being a frequent and unwelcome guest at your house for the rest of your lives!

First Coffee in Two Years

2008-11-13T10:49:00.003-06:00

Almost two years ago, I quit coffee forever. I wasn't sure I'd be able to do it, and all my closest friends had their doubts, and today I finally proved them right. After almost two full years of not drinking coffee and sticking to tea, I caved.

And it's been a total disaster. I seriously feel like my limbs are all going to break free of my body and fly away at any second, and there's nothing I can do to stop it. It's more like I'm on speed or cocaine.

The problem with having all this nervous energy is not having anywhere to channel it. If you've read much of this blog, you know that my job requires almost no actual work, so it's not like I can just be more productive than usual. Looks like all I have is blogging. And while caffeine gives me energy, it does not give me motivation to blog more.

See you tomorrow if my heart doesn't explode

The Tyranny of Cats

2008-11-12T15:49:00.004-06:00

Dear Cat Fancy Magazine,
Thank you for printing quality material month after month. I have a subscription, and when each new issue arrives, my cat Buttons and I sit down and read the whole thing together. The only thing missing is a crossword puzzle, and I believe Buttons is ready for it. He seems to be getting bored with the jumble. The point being, we are both great fans of your work.

However, I have two complaints. First, the pictures your magazines publishes set the standard of cat beauty far too high, and because of this, Buttons has developed an eating disorder. All too often when we find pictures of skinny cats in your magazine, Buttons turns to me, and I always ask him, "How come you're so much fatter than those cats?" only to later find a pile of puke on my pillow. Your depiction of the cat form is doing serious physical, emotional, and psychological damage to cats around the world.

Second, why are there no dogs in your magazine? Cats are not the only household pet, you know. I personally don't own a dog--Buttons wouldn't have it. But what about the millions of dog owners out there who wish they could sit down with their dogs and read Cat Fancy together? I know you don't care much about the bottom line, but including some dogs could potentially double your readership!

Sincerely,
Weymouth Hanley Bruderson

--------------------------

Dear Mr. or Mrs. Bruderson,
Thank you for your letter. Your idea of pumping our magazine full of dogs and fatter cats is, on the surface, one of the worst ideas we've ever heard. But as we're trying to appeal more to the hipsters and indie kids and other cat-owning losers, exploiting the irony angle may be the way to go.

Please do not think that your letter contained any modicum of intelligence or held any actual merit for our magazine. This is purely an accident of circumstance. We needed to adapt to the economy, and you are an idiot. Surely this would never have worked in any other situation, but time makes fools of us all.

Also, I am a cat. Meow.

Yours,
Monsieur Paisely Q. Geraldo

Casper the Friendly City in Wyoming

2008-11-11T10:01:00.003-06:00

Welcome to Casper, Wyoming. We're glad you came, even if you might not be. We have several facts about our city with which to bore you.

Did you know that Casper was once the largest city in the state of Wyoming? It is now the second-largest, after Cheyenne, Wyoming's other city.

The original Fort Casper was founded in the mid-19th century as a sort of rest stop for pioneers on the way to better places. At one point it served as the base of operation for a military garrison in charge of guarding the telegraph and mail service.

In the 1840s Casper was the location where several ferries brought settlers across the North Platte River. Later, a bridge was built across the river, and the fort was decomissioned and renamed Platte Bridge Station.

Casper once figured prominently in the Western American sheep industry, though it was not quite as prominent as Moorcroft or Routt County. Casper is also home to one of the largest malls in central Wyoming.

At least two former Major League Baseball players have made their homes in Casper at one time or another.

Be sure to visit Casper again in the not-too-distant future!

Haircut

2008-11-10T16:01:00.002-06:00

I got a haircut this weekend. The following conversations about it did not actually happen.

SOMEBODY: Hey, you got a haircut.
HAIRCUT BEN: Nope.
SOMEBODY: Really? I swear you got a haircut. Unless...oh wait, I thought you were someone else.
HAIRCUT BEN: No, I was joking. I did get a haircut.
SOMEBODY: Wait a second, you're that guy that stole my girlfriend!
HAIRCUT BEN: No, that wasn't me. I'm just the guy with a haircut.
SOMEBODY: Sorry, honest mistake. The guy who stole my girlfriend gets haircuts all the time.

SOMEBODY: Did you get a haircut?
HAIRCUT BEN: My hair has always been this short.
SOMEBODY: No, dude, it used to be like two inches longer than that.
HAIRCUT BEN: I'm serious. I've never had long hair. I'll show you my driver's license.
SOMEBDOY: Whatever, man, if you wanna be--
Haircut Ben slips on a banana peel and falls, breaking his neck, and exposing him to be an evil robot in disguise.
SOMEBODY: Oh. He was an evil robot.
REAL BEN: Hey guys.
SOMEBODY: Thank God you didn't get a haircut.
REAL BEN: Yep. Oh, looks like that evil robot got a haircut though.
SOMEBODY: Really? It said its hair was always that short.

SOMEBODY: Whoa.
HAIRCUT BEN: Whoa what?
SOMEBODY: You got a haircut.
HAIRCUT BEN: Actually, I traded my hair.
SOMEBODY: For what? A stupid face? laughs with his punk friends
HAIRCUT BEN: I traded it to a dragon, actually.
SOMEBODY: A dragon?
HAIRCUT BEN: Yeah. He wanted some hair, and I figured I'd could use a dragon to incinerate my enemies.
SOMEBODY: Why does a dragon want hair?
Dragon flies in and incinerates them all, including Haircut Ben

SOMEBODY: Why don't you get a haircut, hippie?
HAIRCUT BEN: I did.
SOMEBODY: Oh sorry, I was talking to that hippie over there.
HAIRCUT BEN: Oh, sorry about that. I'm just really excited about this haircut I just got.
SOMEBODY: And well you should be. That's gotta be the best haircut I've seen in ten years.
HAIRCUT BEN: Thank you.
SOMEBODY: No, thank YOU. You just made my day.

First Snow

2008-11-07T10:31:00.002-06:00

Today marks the first snow of this winter. Normally, I'd be pretty upset. After it snowed twice in May--May--snow and I haven't gotten along very well. But after a lesson from my friend Jim on being more joyful, I've compiled a list of things I like about snow.

-It looks pretty on the trees.
-It makes the day look brighter.
-It can't murder you while you sleep.
-You can go sledding on it.
-It doesn't hurt very much when it lands on you.
-It melts eventually.
-It's better than dinosaurs coming to life and breathing fire on everything (but not by much).
-It only snows for six months out of the year.
-I can stay inside and avoid it forever if I want.

Coconut Face

2008-11-06T09:26:00.002-06:00

Hey everybody, check it out! It's the Duke of Coconuts!

I think he has something to say.

"I, the Duke of Coconuts, hereby declare today to be coconut day! Free coconuts for everyone!"

And look! He's got a monocle!

You're welcome.

Voting: A Retrospective

2008-11-04T13:16:00.002-06:00

I voted at about 7:45 this morning, almost an hour after I got in line. But hey, the system works, unless my write-in vote for Soil and Water Commissioner ends up breaking the ballot box. But if you wanna make an omelet, you gotta break a few eggs.

Anyway, in celebration of our democratic system, I've decided to post a little look at the history of the American vote. I hope you enjoy it as much as I am indifferent to it (which is quite a lot).

1820: To prove that one vote indeed makes a difference, John Quincy Adams cast a decisive vote in the electoral college against incumbent president James Monroe. He voted for himself. Monroe won in a landslide, 228-1.

1824: In the first election to be decided by the House of Representatives, John Quincy Adams defeated Andrew Jackson, despite the fact that Jackson received more votes in the electoral college, though neither had a majority. Four states opted to go without a popular vote that year, realizing its utter futility.

1876: In one of the most controversial elections in American history, Rutherford B. Hayes stole the election from Samuel J. Tilden, though Tilden won the popular vote. With three states in dispute, Tilden also held the majority in the electoral college. The votes in those states have still never been counted accurately, and a winner of 1876 election has yet to be declared.

1948: With Republican Thomas Dewey heavily favored over incumbent Democrat Harry Truman, the American voter outsmarted even the candidates themselves and elected Truman in one of the greatest election upsets in history. Pollsters have since refined their craft to restore faith in the polling system so that everyone can be sure of the results weeks before the election and that such a stirring finish will never happen again.

1973: Richard Nixon resigns from the office of president, elevating Gerald Ford to the position, making Ford the only president to never have won a national election. When he ran for a second term (not re-election, since he'd never been elected), the people elected Jimmy Carter, proving that voting does not always produce the superior result.

Enjoy your election day, everybody!

Nature's Wonders

2008-11-03T12:36:00.002-06:00

Wanna guess what this picture is? Give up? It's a picture of a Burmese Python that exploded after it ate an alligator in the Florida Everglades. That's the back end of a gator hanging out the middle of the snake. Also, the python was decapitated at some point.

According to National Geographic News:
"Wildlife researchers with the South Florida Natural Resources Center found the dead, headless python in October 2005 after it apparently tried to digest a 6-foot-long (2-meter-long) American alligator. The mostly intact dead gator was found sticking out of a hole in the midsection of the python, and wads of gator skin were found in the snake's gastrointestinal tract."

And I thought whale explosions were cool. The only way this would have been better is if the alligator subsequently exploded, or maybe if the snake had tried to eat two alligators.

This story is pretty cool in its own right, but seriously, "headless python"? How the heck did that happen? The whole "python couldn't hold its gator down" theory doesn't account for a decapitation. Some researchers--people with real science careers--suggested that the beheading was a retaliation job by another alligator. However, according to other real scientists, alligators don't make such clean cuts when they rip the heads off their prey. We may never know what really happened, but nature is a mystery, so don't let it bug you.

And while we're wondering what happened to the snake's head, we're missing the real question: what is a Burmese Python doing so far from its native Burma (now Myanmar)? The answer: disgruntled python owners are dumping their pets in the Florida swamp. I am not making this up. In a couple decades, we are going to have a full-blown Burmese Python crisis on our hands. Why are the presidential candidates not addressing this?

Halloween Game Show

2008-10-31T09:33:00.003-05:00

Well, it's Halloween for the fourth year in a row, which means that we should probably do something special here at my blog. I decided to sponsor a Halloween Game Show, something similar to that dating show with the three bachelors and the lady who gets to pick one of them to be her boyfriend. Except the three bachelors are Dracula, a zombie, and the Creature from the Black Lagoon. I call it "Hallo-win a Date with a Monster!"

GIRL: So, bachelor number 1.
DRACULA: Hiya.
GIRL: What's your idea of the perfect date?
DRACULA: Baby, anything with you would be the perfect date, as long as it ends with me sucking your blood and you joining my ever-growing army of the undead.
GIRL: Oh, um, I'm not really into politics.
DRACULA: Baby, the only politics I'm talking about is the politics of sucking your blood and getting you into my ever-growing army of the undead.
GIRL: Trying to talk me into bed, huh? I'm not that kind of girl. On to bachelor number 2.
ZOMBIE: Grrghh...
GIRL: Which do you look for more in a girl--brains or body?
ZOMBIE: BRAINS.
GIRL: Good answer. Are you just pretending to be sensitive, or is this the real you?
ZOMBIE: BRAINS!!
GIRL: Then on a date, how would you let me know that you're into my brains?
DRACULA: Because he's going to eat them!
GIRL: You had your chance, bachelor number 1.
ZOMBIE: Grrhmmm...brains.
GIRL: OK, let's see what bachelor number 3 has to offer.
CREATURE: I'm gonna make bachelor number 2 look like that fat guy from those Austin Powers movies.
GIRL: You sound pretty confident.
CREATURE: Believe me, if you could see these other contestants, you'd be confident too.
DRACULA: You're a fish-person! At least we're wearing clothes!
GIRL: Hmm...already down to the birthday suit, huh bachelor number 3?
CREATURE: You'll have to find out for yourself, honey.
GIRL: (blushing a little) OK, so your question. If we got married, where would we spend our honeymoon?
CREATURE: Probably Jamaica, cuz you're Ja-makin' me crazy!
DRACULA: BOOOOO!!
ZOMBIE: (getting up, staggering around) BRAINS!
GIRL: Whoa, calm down fellas.
CREATURE: Just because I've fallen in love with you and plan to drag you back to Amazonian lagoon doesn't mean I can't make bad puns.
ZOMBIE: Muuurrhh! BRAINS!!
GIRL: Bachelor number 2, I'm yours!
Zombie proceeds to eat girl's brains, she joins his army of the undead instead of Dracula's, which frustrates Dracula SO MUCH, and the Creature, realizing that there are no options left to him, leaves to star in a remake of his original film with Bill Paxton.

I Wish I Were Pac-Man

2008-10-29T09:51:00.003-05:00

Life would be so much easier if I were Pac-Man.

Think about it. All I'd have to do is eat pellets, fruit, and pretzels all day. No more office, no more "casual Fridays." Just beeping along, chomping on whatever I come across.

Yeah, there are the ghosts, but every life has to face some adversity. I probably wouldn't want to be Pac-Man if there wasn't at least a little bit of a struggle. And I can deal with ghosts. Desk jockeying, however, is getting to be too much for me.

The only thing I'd miss is the third dimension. I've really come to cherish that third dimension. The other two are OK, don't get me wrong, but they're not much without the third. But I'm pretty sure Pac-Man isn't as cool in three dimensions. I'll just have to deal with it.

Miss Pac-Man seems all right too.

Haystack: Results

2008-10-28T10:03:00.003-05:00

I spent the last three days (including the whole weekend) immersed in a haystack, looking for things. A friend dared me to do it, after a really long and bizarre needle-in-a-haystack joke he told me. It was probably the worst non-racist joke I've ever heard.

But back to the haystack. Before I tell you what I found there, I want to say that this was easily one of the most unpleasant experiences of my life. Three days in a haystack with no food or water, and it's really cold out, and haystacks are scratchy. Still I doubt I would have done anything better with my weekend.

What I found in the haystack:
-A puppy (Found that one within the first ten minutes, highlight of the weekend. But it ran away as soon as I released it from the haystack.)
-Bird poop
-Hay
-The smell of hay
-This itch that is still driving me crazy
-A lot of dirt
-A sombrero
-A single fingernail clipping
-Straw
-A talking piece of hay (It told me that it used to be a person before it turned into a piece of hay.)
-Different-smelling hay

If I keep skipping work for stuff like this, I'm definitely going to get fired. But I may get fired sooner for smelling like hay.

Hotcakes

2008-10-24T11:17:00.004-05:00

This morning I made the world's largest pancake*.

It was delicious, and I have leftovers that will last me and all of Minneapolis for the rest of our collective lifetimes. Now more than ever does it suck to live in the suburbs. It also sucks to not own a microwave, because no one wants to eat cold pancakes.

You may be wondering a number of things about this pancake, but I'd like to encourage you to just enjoy its splendor. Don't worry about how I would flip a giant pancake, where I would cook it, or exactly how big it was. Just look at it. Dream about it. And if you live in the city, you can try some of it. I bet you wish you had a giant pancake in Apple Valley now, don't you?

*The pancake featured in this picture is actually a different pancake than the one I made. I don't take credit for this 2.5 ton Canadian endeavor, because the Canadians are lame. Also, they probably used goat eggs instead of real eggs.

Adventures in Polling

2008-10-24T09:05:00.002-05:00

Seeing as everyone in the world (as far as I know) won't shut up about the upcoming election, I can't think about anything else. And though I'm growing increasingly opposed to democracy in general, I recently decided to get involved and see what all this to-do is about. That's right, I conducted my own poll.

Polling is a very complicated process, requiring all kinds of controls and measures to make sure the poll isn't skewed in any way. Normally I would quit such a difficult endeavor within a few minutes, but since this seems important to the future of our country, I decided to stick with it. And now I can report my results.

YOU: 0% of votes
EVERYONE BUT YOU: 100% of votes

Some analysis
Unlike most recent polls, mine does not predict a clear winner. But one thing is clear: the number one loser in this election will be you. This year, American voters prefer to vote for anyone else. Aside from the occasional accidental vote or votes from felons that will ultimately not count, no one will be voting for you. You lose.

Why?
It's not personal or anything. It's probably because everyone else has run more successful campaigns. Also, you made several inappropriate comments about Jenny's mom when you were in junior high, so anyone who would have considered voting for you decided to not vote for you instead. So I guess it is kind of personal.

Your political future
Most politicians no longer make viable candidates after losing a bid for the presidency, and you should prove no exception to the rule. In future elections, people will only remember how badly you blew it 2008 (remember--you only got 0% of votes). However, you may have a bright political future on the municipal level. I envision slogans like, "I ran for president, so I'd make a pretty good city councilperson," or, "I meant to run for city council last time!"

Democracy in Action

2008-10-17T16:02:00.005-05:00

While this whole election thing has comlpetely burned me out on democracy in general, I'm not sure I can stand to make fun of it anymore. I can only take so much boring crap that I can't relate to before I start to think I'd be better off somewhere like Jupiter.

There are some non-incessantly-boring things still going on in this country, though. Like, the race for PRESIDENT OF MONKEYS.

It's Smooth Bob O'Chimpsalot vs. Clyde Pollock-Huckleberry. Let's take a look at their campaigns to this point.

Clyde Pollock-Huckleberry

On the Economy: "Look at my fancy suit! Bananas for everyone!"
On Healthcare: "Doctors are bad!"
On Education: "I have no idea how I learned to talk. Also, don't I need an MBA for this job?"

Smooth Bob O'Chimpsalot

One the Economy: "I'm the richest monkey who ever lived!"
On Healthcare: "One time I went to hospital when I broke my leg doing a stunt on a movie set. I'm in the movies!!"
On Education: "Who needs school when you're RICH?"

This is ABSOLUTELY RIVETING. Get off your lazy butts, CNN, and cover some real news for once!

A World Gone Mad

2008-10-16T15:52:00.006-05:00

In the midst of a global economic catastrophe, a presidential election that far too many people seem to care about, and a new Star Trek movie, I don't think anyone would doubt that society as we know it is going to collapse very soon. But these signs of the apocalypse are not as disturbing as some others that are actually much more obvious.

Canadian Geese

They're everywhere! The only thing more ubiquitous than Canadian Geese is goose poop. Pretty soon we'll all be buried in it. Not to mention that I'm pretty sure Canadian Geese are on a campaign to eliminate every other variety of goose from the geosphere. Seriously, when was the last time you heard about a non-Canadian goose? I'd also like to ask, how come the Canadian Geese don't go back to Canada where they belong?

The Veritable End of PassengerRailroad Travel

Granted, I still know some people who take the train, but it's pretty much only when taking any other form of transportation would be the stupidest thing you could do in that situation. Remember the Golden Age of American History when towns would boom or bust based on the placement of a railroad line? Of course you don't, cuz that hasn't been the case for almost 150 years. But the world was probably a lot safer from apocalypses back then.

Three Teams from Extremely Warm Climates and the Detroit Red Wings Winning the Stanley Cup over the Last Four Seasons

I'm not usually a fan of professional hockey, but I've grown an interest because of the apocalyptic implications of the championship. Isn't it a little bizarre that teams from California, Florida, and North Carolina won the Stanley Cup in three of the last four years? Where do they practice? Three miles beneath the surface of the earth? Sounds diabolical to me. And something is wrong with the universe when Detroit succeeds at anything (except for basketball and destroying the economy).

Bingo History

2008-10-15T16:01:00.003-05:00

This day in Bingo history...

On October 15th, 1992, exactly sixteen years ago today, there occurred what is known as the St. Augustine's Retirement Center Bingo Massacre of '92 (not to be confused with St. Benedict's Church Bingo Massacre that occurred three years earlier) when Agnes Hochmeier won what became the last Bingo match ever played in St. Augustine's.

Several rounds into this particular match came the "blackout" round, in which participants try to cover every space on their board. Many people had already won prizes, but among the two who had not yet won were Agnes Hochmeier and Richard Charleston. As the round went on, it became clear that Agnes and Richard were in a dead heat for the win, and when the announcer called "B-12," Agnes shouted, "Bingo!" at the top of her feeble lungs.

The agony of this particular defeat burned Richard far more than any other he had yet known. He needed only one more square to cover his board, and had the announcer called "O-63," that Bingo win would have been his. And since he had never been so close to a "blackout" win before, he was ready to go crazy on the place.

And go crazy he did. He yelled like a beast out of hell and overturned his Bingo table. He embarked on a maniacal rampage that involved pushing everybody else's Bingo cards on the floor, pulling the hair of his fellow residents, punching out the Bingo announcer, and trying to suck Agnes' blood like a vampire. Had his tantrum not taken so much of his energy, he may have succeeded in killing Anges and burning the whole building down, but he passed out shortly after he leapt at his Bingo rival's neck.

Two hours later a staff member arrived to escort the residents to dinner. In the aftermath of the massacre, however, most of the residents were not as hungry as usual. After dinner, Agnes was declared the winner and awarded her prize. Richard was given a one-hour timeout during social time the next day. Bingo was banned forever.

Rivers and Streams

2008-10-13T13:46:00.003-05:00

Today's commute to and from work is far too jammed and tedious. According to a recent survey, the average American owns 2.5 cars and drives all of them to work every day, thus filling our streets and highways with several unmanned vehicles. I have tried to convince some American drivers to take only one car to work, but to no avail.

In lieu of a more reasonable solution, then, I suggest we take row boats to work!

The rivers and streams that fill our modern metropolises are currently wide open for the row boat commuter. Sure, they may not take you directly to your destination, but the benefits of taking a row boat to work (being in a row boat, rowing your own boat, no pollution) cancel out the fact that you may never arrive at work.

And rowboats are cheap! You could probably make your own out of aluminum foil and balsa wood for less than $20! Or, for those of you who are used to the luxury vehicles, you could purchase your own pre-made rowboat for what is probably a totally reasonable price.

If you ever see me driving to work again, please yell at me for my failure to take a row boat. And I will yell back something to the effect of, "You're right! Thank you, model citizen," or "How come you're not taking a row boat to work?"

Clash of the Titans

2008-10-08T11:05:00.003-05:00

Whatever happened to Mt. Olympus? I mean, I know those Greek gods weren't real and everything, but they made for some pretty interesting stories. You could make a great sitcom about the misadventures of Zues and Hera. But it seems like everybody cares more about the latest presidential election than what the fake gods might be doing if they were starring on a network television show. For shame, America.

Let's take a brief glimpse into what this sitcom might look like. I haven't decided what to call it. I'm thinking something along the lines of The Gods Are Married. That's creative, right?

Zeus enters his palace home on Mt. Olympus.
HERA: Where have you been?
ZEUS: Sorry I'm late, honey. Hephaestus challenged me to a drinking contest again.
HERA: (laughing) If only mankind could hold its liquor like the gods can.
ZEUS: But alcoholism is hilarious. Why do you think I created it?
fake audience laughter
HERA: How come you have feathers all over you?
ZEUS: Um...after all the drinking, we, um, went to the chicken factory--
HERA: You didn't transform into a swan and rape that poor girl again, did you?
ZEUS: Well, so what if I did. I like being a swan.
HERA: Last time you did that, she gave birth to Helen, and the whole civilized world practically destroyed itself because she was so beautiful.
ZEUS: Hehe, yeah, that was pretty great.
fake audience laughter again
HERA: You should know better than to let that happen again.
ZEUS: Well maybe if I was getting any at home I wouldn't have to take the form of a swan and knock up the human chicks.
fake audience oohs
HERA: Keep it up, mister, and I'll wipe out every female on the planet.
ZEUS: That's what she said.
fake audience laughter
Zeus's head explodes, and Athena is born.

Fun with History

2008-10-06T14:00:00.003-05:00

My favorite thing about the Internets is how they're totally public domain. Anybody can say anything they want without having to back themselves up with facts or credible witnesses, and people will take it seriously. I'm pretty sure this is what society has always wanted but never been able to express.

So today, while reading about Egyptian demagogue Anwar Sadat, I saw a brilliant example of this. At the end of the summary paragraph at the top of the page, some adorable little punk had added, "All-around cool guy Anwar Williams is named after him." I don't know who Anwar Williams is, and if the Internets weren't giving every free-range chicken a voice, then I never would have.

The real crime is that this comment lasted not two minutes before it was deleted. Totally bogus. How will the Internets survive if they're so vigilantly moderated? Just like a chicken is not as delicious if it is not given free range, so a random comment is not as hilarious if it is deleted.

And we're worried about the economy. If this is how we treat our Internets, we don't deserve an economy.

Hot Air Balloon Ride

2008-10-01T16:10:00.004-05:00

Who wants to go for a hot air balloon ride?

I certainly do, and now I can whenever I want, thanks to my new hot air balloon pilot's license! I decided to take today off from work and go through an intense course in hot air balloon pilot training. Whether or not it was worth it, only time will tell.

I can't wait to spend the rest of this fall days floating above the colored trees, eating a sandiwch, reminiscing about life on the ground. I'll make friends with the hawks and the eagles, and they'll tell me tales of old kings and talking volcanoes. Of course I'll never come down because it's way too hard to land a hot air balloon.

One day, when I'm really old and my fame for being that old guy in the hot air balloon has spread around the country, I'll have a really long beard that will hang outside of the hot air balloon, and it will get caught in the power lines and my hot air balloon will crash and burn. There will be a blackout in the whole city and everybody will miss the series finale of Lost. Just like the prophets foretold. If only I had listened to them and not skipped work today and gotten my hot air balloon pilot's license.

Bridges

2008-09-30T10:57:00.002-05:00

I drove over the new 35W bridge for the first time last week. It was like a trip down memory lane, back when I used to take the old bridge to friends' houses. Those were simpler times. Anyway, I like the new bridge. It definitely feels a lot sturdier.

But I am deathly afraid that this new bridge is ripe for troll habitation. There weren't any problems with trolls on the old bridge, but I'm not so sure about this new one. What if some billy goats try and cross the bridge? I don't know how that story ends, but those goats may have goaded the troll into eating everyone it sees.

The other thing I hate about trolls is the troll tax. As if living with the threat of being eaten by trolls isn't enough, you also have to pay the troll tax. And what does it pay for? Wildlife protection. I can protect my own wildlife without paying the trolls for it, thank you very much.

I, for one, refuse to pay the troll tax. What are you going to do about it, America?

Panic Day!

2008-09-29T16:02:00.005-05:00

Did you hear that Congress rejected the bailout plan? And did you also hear that stocks took a record-breaking single-day drop? And have you read any hilarious blog entries about it yet?

Me neither. Mostly the hilarious blog entry part, though. Which is a shame, cuz what's funnier than a global economic collapse? Maybe guinea pigs being shot out of cannons, but that's all I could think of.

This is the funniest cartoon I could find about the economic crisis. My favorite part is, "Bank failures continue."

We're dead.

Cake vs. Pie

2008-09-29T12:30:00.002-05:00

When I was a young lad, I always hated pie and loved cake (unless it was angelfood cake, which is gross). Eventually, I came to see the two as polar opposites, like matter and anti-matter. This, of course, is not true.

But wouldn't it be hilarious if they were polar opposites? It would probably start with extended families being divided over serving pie at Thanksgiving or cake at some birthday party, then there'd be wars over which dessert should be served more often, and pretty soon the universe would end when cake and pie touched each other. Intense.

So hey, how come people never eat birthday pie? How come it's always birthday cake? If it's because falling face-first into a cake is safer than falling face-first into a pie, then that was remarkably well-thought out by whoever thought it out.

Ode to Natural Flavoring

2008-09-24T09:29:00.005-05:00

When I take a drink of this soda,
Sometimes I wonder what it tastes like.
Most of the time it's impossible to tell
What the flavor might be. Maybe it's
Chocolate, or pineapple, or granite,
And I've never tasted granite before,
So I guess if that's the flavor they used,
I would be forever stumped.
Indeed, it could very well be any of those,
For this soda refuses to reveal
The secrets of its deliciousness.
But then again, it probably isn't
Any flavor I could name, because
The flavors are all artificial, which means
I might not be tasting anything at all.

Oh, artificial flavoring, you poison
My sodas and crackers and jellies
With, I don't know, platypus eyes?
You seduce me with something delicious,
And I eat it, but you won't tell me
What you used to make it so tasty.
It's really not fair. Stop being a jerk.
Are you from outer space? If so,
We should completely destroy outer space
So I can go back to natural flavors,
The flavors I can understand, the ones
That won't trick me into eating Chinese food
When it's actually yesterday's garbage.
You think you can hide in outer space, but
I'm smarter than you, whatever you are.

Return to me, natural flavors, I beg you.
I never should have tasted anything else.
You always tell me the truth, even when
It's gross and makes me cry, and you won't
Leave me when I get fat and annoying,
Or when I forget our anniversary or
Your favorite color. (I totally remembered,
But you just put me on the spot, and that
Makes me a little uncomfortable.) You taste
Way better than that artificial crap,
And you don't yell at me when I want to go out
With the guys or spend some time alone
In my room. Thank you, natural flavoring,
For loving me for who I am.

There's Trouble A-Brewin'

2008-09-23T16:16:00.003-05:00

NAIVE GENTLEMAN: Wow, look at those clouds.
GRIZZLED OLD DIRT-FARMER: Yep. There's trouble a-brewin'.
GENTLEMAN: Well, a storm's coming, if that's what you mean.
DIRT-FARMER: You stole the idol, didn't ya?
GENTLEMAN: What idol?
DIRT-FARMER: The idol in the temple. The one that appeases the storm gods. Where is it?
GENTLEMAN: I didn't take it. I don't even like idols.
DIRT-FARMER: Well it don't rain here unless the idol's outta place. Did you help somebody take it?
GENTLEMAN: Honestly, I just stopped here to use the restroom, and I really have no idea what you're talking about.
DIRT-FARMER: The ninja probably got it agin.
GENTLEMAN: Ninja?
DIRT-FARMER: Yep. There's a ninja lives 'round these parts. Pulls a lotta pranks like this.
GENTLEMAN: He's probably not a real ninja.
DIRT-FARMER: Careful, sonny. I know a couple too many people who ended up in mighty big trouble cuz they underestimated the ninja.
GENTLEMAN: I think I'll get going now. (Notices his car is gone) Hey, where's my car?
DIRT-FARMER: Ninja musta got it.
GENTLEMAN: Great. Now I have to walk to college.
DIRT-FARMER: College, huh?
(The gentlemen is suddenly struck with a dozen shuriken.)
DIRT-FARMER: What's a college degree good for if it don't even teach ya how to fight ninjas?
NINJA: (appears out of nowhere) Shut up, dad.
DIRT-FARMER: Boy! What'd I tell you about stealin' idols and killin' city folk!
NINJA: Don't do it.
DIRT-FARMER: Now you put that idol back right now or you ain't gettin' no taters for breakfast tomorrow!
NINJA: (slinks off in shame to return the idol to the temple)
DIRT-FARMER: If only you'da been a dirt farmer like you're old man. Who's gonna inherit the dirt farm when I pass on?
NINJA: Joe-Joe wants to be a dirt farmer like you, pa.
DIRT-FARMER: Joe-Joe's a gorilla, son.

De-Renouncing the Internet

2008-09-22T12:30:00.003-05:00

Internet, you are no longer dead to me. I know I said some pretty harsh things a few weeks ago when I kicked you out of the house, but I take it back. I was just angry about all the porn you had lying around. And I'm still angry about that, actually. You should clean yourself up.

But no matter how I feel, it was wrong of me to say that I hated you and would never contribute to your infinite pages of blogdom anymore. I shouldn't have covered you with all that melted cheese. Maybe in a different context that would have been funny, but this time it was from a cruel and bitter heart. I'm sorry.

Do you forgive me?

Thanks. Next time I get mad, I'll just yell at the cat, and then we can all go get some ice cream together.

In Lieu of Real Creativity, I Blog about Golf

2008-09-02T15:05:00.002-05:00

In the midst of my barely-endurable boredom at work today, I noticed a headline about Tiger Woods. I'm not going to out my sources, but rest assured that this a real quote. It said something like, "Finally Tiger Woods has something to celebrate--his wife is pregnant with his second child."

So yeah, finally something turns out good for Tiger Woods. I wouldn't be that excited about being the world's richest athlete, having tons of golf championships (cuz golf is stupid), or shooting a Gatorade commercial on the moon either. I am in complete agreement that, until now, life has been pretty lame for Mr. Woods.

But what that first child? Some day he or she is going to read that article and be like, "Hey Dad, I know that you were never that big on owning four island nations or having perhaps the most precise hand-eye coordination of any non-video gamer on the planet, but the first thing that was worth celebrating in your life was the kid who came after me? Did I used to have Down Syndrome?"

Maybe that first child thing didn't work out too well in the long run. I can understand that. I'm sure Stalin's parents eventually soured on that whole thing. But even then, they must have celebrated his birth. Tiger couldn't have given up on child #1 before it'd even drawn a breath in this world. I can, however, imagine him saying, "Big deal, baby. I'm waiting on #2," which I believe were his exact words following his first championship.

Real Capitalism

2008-08-29T09:05:00.004-05:00

People say our capitalist society is evil, and to prove them right, I am putting my vote up for sale. If I get particularly industrious about this (unlikely), I may even post it on craigslist. Because, my friends and countrymen, and I am more than willing to sell my country out.

I was inspired by a discussion last night in which a couple of my friends explained that one of their drunken coworkers promised to pay them $200 to vote for a certain candidate. It made me realize what an idiot I would be for voting for free. Why should I not get paid for wasting my vote when someone could pay me to waste it? This idea, while fundamentally opposed to the values of our constitution, is utterly brilliant and without flaw.

I realize that with our secret ballot system, I could ostensibly sell my vote and still vote for whoever I want. But I will freely tell you that I would not vote if I was not paid to vote. Voting is inconvenient, confusing, and all the old people at the voting places talk really slow. So unless I can make a profit, I'm not going to deal with it.

Better yet, if you're too young to vote, a convicted felon, or just feel like voting twice, I'd be willing to lend you a copy of my ID and a pair of glasses that look like mine (they're actually my roommate's) so you can vote in my place! This one comes with an extra charge, though, as all involved would probably get arrested.

To be honest, I would be willing to sell my vote for a McDonald's hamburger. My vote is worth at least that. Come on, McCain and Obama campaigns, you can at least take me out for a hamburger.

Cold

2008-08-26T15:55:00.004-05:00

Well, August is almost over, and winter has finally returned in Minnesota. Though the temperatures still tend to peak in the 70s, do not be deceived. Winter is upon us, and it's time to look forward to another 18 straight months of dirty-carpet-colored skies and squirrels freezing to death in our roof. I know I'm excited.

You skeptics out there probably think I'm overreacting. But don't try and tell me this is just autumn. I know winter when I see it. We definitely missed autumn this year, so we'll have to catch next time around. Stop arguing with me and lay out the plastic yard covers before the snow hits.

I'm glad we got a good four months of spring and summer, but I'm ready to get back into the good ol' Minnesota winter groove. Shoveling and de-icing the sidewalk, wearing three layers of jackets, shielding yourself from the bitter wind, not leaving the house for weeks, developing several paranoid fantasies about the neighbors trying to steal the buried treasure, eating raw deer carcass--those are the things that Minnesota is all about.

Who's ready for a swim?

New Phone

2008-08-25T09:39:00.002-05:00

I got a new phone yesterday. Thankfully I didn't have to pay for it. Because, while this is definitely a good phone, it's lacking a few important things. I should say too that I'm not very high maintenance when it comes to phones--I don't need a camera, the internets, music, or holograms. There are, however, a couple things that I expect every phone to have, and this phone does not have them.

Most conspicuously missing is a jet propulsion system. I can't stand having to lift my phone to my ear and keeping it in my pocket. Pretty much the only way I'll use a phone is if it hovers by my ear and jets around behind me so I don't have to carry it. How can you even call a cell phone convenient if it doesn't float around? Having to hold it and everything is really more of a nuisance than it's worth.

Also, I'm extremely disappointed that it doesn't have lasers. I can understand why you wouldn't put lasers on a phone that doesn't have a jet propulsion system cuz they kind of go together, but then why don't you just install both? I mean, a phone without jet propulsion is bad enough, but a phone without lasers is just plain unsafe. What if I'm about to be crushed by a meteor? Looks like I'd be out of luck cuz my phone doesn't have lasers.

Dress-up

2008-08-21T11:39:00.005-05:00

I lament that people do not wear suits more often. Suits are cool, as demonstrated above, but following the end of the Cold War, they seem to have earned a reputation for being worn by heartless arms dealers and coke fiends. This reputation is undoubtedly entirely deserved.

The poor people of this nation must redress this issue and make suits cool again. The problem is that suits are not cheap and that we, the poor people, cannot afford them. Rich people keep being uncool, keep making money, keep buying suits, keep wearing their suits while being uncool, and keep kicking us poor people in our low-quality pants. I have no solution to propose to this issue; I'm just commenting on how much it sucks.

I look forward to the day when suits are cheap. For once suits are cheap, regular poor people like us would be able to buy them, and we'd be able to beat the rich people at their own game: polo.

I Know a Ninja

2008-08-20T10:31:00.003-05:00

One of my roommates may or may not be going to Japan to become a certified ninja. He has already gone through some extensive ninja training, and this is a very exciting prospect for his ninja development.

I must say, though, that I am now deathly afraid of living in my house. I haven't slept in days in fear that my ninja roommate would sneak into my bedroom while I was sleeping and turn all my stuff upside down. There is little that scares me more than waking up in the middle of the night to discover all my stuff turned upside down with Mark's ninja head detached from his body and floating in my room like a balloon.

I've started being really careful to check around corners before I walk into a room to make sure Mark doesn't leap out at me and slice my arms off with a ninja sword. But if he really wanted to do that, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be able to see him from around the corner. I think he's practiced extra hard on his invisibility. I, however, have practiced embarrassingly little at keeping my arms attached to my body.

I really hope he does make it to Japan, though. His skills are wasted on soon-to-be-armless patsies like me. He needs a true test, something that only Japan can offer. Gamera.

Put a Bag on Your Head

2008-08-19T10:36:00.000-05:00

About a week ago, a friend and I caught this movie called Baghead, which I won't comment seriously on, but is a movie about a serial killer who wears a bag over his head. And it's good. More importantly, it made me wonder, when is it OK to wear a bag on your head? So I came up with the following list at about 3AM last night.

Situations where it's OK to wear a bag on your head
-At the Baghead premiere
-When you're going to the paper bag parade
-At any official meeting of the Green Party
-If you're planning on traveling back in time
-When you're in Utah

Situations where it's NOT OK to wear a bag on your head
-When you're eating a hot dog (or a hamburger)
-When you're cashing a check at the bank
-While swimming
-When all your friends are dressed like robots and you don't want to feel left out
-If someone you know is lighting paper bags on fire

Situations where I don't really care if you wear a bag on your head or not
-In your math and science classes
-If you don't have any better ideas for a Halloween costume
-If you want to mess with your pets
-To reduce wind resistance while riding your bike
-If you think it will give you superpowers

Scruffy

2008-08-12T11:04:00.003-05:00

I haven't shaved in about five days now. That's kind of a lot for me. It's not that I've gotten too lazy to shave, or even that I decided to grow a beard. It's that I discovered that I like it when I look sruffy. Kind of like a terrier.

Next time you see me, you'll remember this picture, and you'll think to yourself, "Hmm...Ben really does look kind of like a terrier now that he stopped shaving. Maybe I should get a terrier, but not because it would remind me of Ben. It would be very strange to own a dog that reminds me of Ben, especially when it's licking my face to wake me up in the morning, or when it's peeing on a tree in my backyard." And since I can read your thoughts, I would be disgusted.

I have a feeling, though, that if I keep up this not-shaving business past this week, I'd end up leaving Scruffy Town for Beard City, and no one would like that. Then I'd look less like a terrier and more like some loser with a beard.

Adventures in Napping, Part 4

2008-08-08T15:18:00.003-05:00

I'm not sure naps are cutting it anymore. I think I'd rather just sleep forever. In that spirit, allow me to recount the most recent napsite I visited.

Nap #4: Abraham Lincoln's top hat

The first thing I'd like to note about napping with Abe Lincoln's hat is that you have two napping locales to choose from. One, inside the hat, and two, on top of the hat. Both offer excellent napping accomodations, and of course inside the hat is better for those who prefer not to be rained on.

For my first nap, I opted for the top of the hat. The only negative thing was that I was shaken awake when Abe wrestled an alligator into submission. The bonus for that was, after Abe snapped the alligator's neck and roasted it on a campfire, he shared the bountiful meal with me. I have a feeling that if I had been napping inside the hat during all that, I wouldn't have woken up.

This experience was so life-changing for me that I've decided to buy a large hat and rent it out to a bed & breakfast.

Overall rating: 9/10 (lost a point for my assumption that I would not have been fed alligator had I been inside the hat)

Adventures in Napping, Part 3

2008-08-08T12:50:00.003-05:00

I'm almost feeling a little over-napped at this point, having recently enjoyed a doze in a cup of coffee and a video game, but I must press on.

Nap #3: a woolly mammoth

After my previous two napping experience, I really felt like napping with a blanket, but I didn't really want to drag a blanket around with me. How could I possibly have the warmth and comfort of a blanket without actually having a blanket? Of course the only option was to find me a woolly mammoth in which to nap.

The problem with woolly mammoths is that they look a lot more comfortable than they feel. The biggest problem was the mammoth's skeleton. I got wrapped up in its fur (or would you call it hair?), but its spine was like a dozen diamond foosball men digging into my back. Not to mention that its hair was greasy and smelled like Utah's garbage.

But words cannot express how great it felt to sleep in its fur. It almost made me forget feeling like I was resting on a foosball table that stank of rotting fish. It was heaven with tusks.

Overall rating: 5/10 (minus two points for the tusks)

Adventures in Napping, Part 2

2008-08-08T10:32:00.004-05:00

Though I'm not as tired as I was after napping in the Lemmings video game, I must press on in my napping odyssey. Which brings us to yet another wonderful nap zone.

Nap #2: a cup of coffee

As you may expect, this was not so conducive to napping. First of all, I could not breathe as easily as would need to breathe in order to nap because my lungs kept filling with coffee. Thankfully the coffee had been sitting out for about twenty minutes, so it wasn't scaldingly hot, but it still wasn't comfortable. I still prefer it to taking a nap in salt water.

Secondly, there were other things living in this cup of coffee, which made the experience unpleasant in every way. Right when I thought I could settle into a napping groove, some ugly monster-shaped creature would show up and asked if I wanted to join him for lunch. When I politely declined, another one showed up a few minutes later and asked me the same thing. Can't I just be left alone to nap in my cup of coffee?

If it wasn't for the caffeine, I wouldn't have gotten any sleep at all.

Overall rating: 3/10

Adventures in Napping, Part 1

2008-08-08T08:47:00.006-05:00

I'm pretty tired today. To those who know me well, that may not seem unusual. OK. But it's still true that I'm tired and I'm going to blog about it.

Since I'm tired, I figured, what topic better to blog about than napping? So I decided to go on a napping adventure, napping in several different places and times (yes, there will be time travel). After I've napped in them, I'll tell you about them. And we'll all have a splendid Friday.

Nap #1: Lemmings the video game

I know it would have made sense to take my first nap in my office, in a field of flowers, or in the world's most comfortable chair, but we all know what those are like. When I really got to thinking about what relaxes me, the first thing that came to my head is the music from Lemmings. It goes like this: dada da dum, da dada dada dada dada, dada da dum, da dada dada dada dada, dada da dum, da dada dada dada dada, dada da dum, da dada dada dada dada, dada dum da da dum da da da da da da da dum. Remember?

How does one take a nap in a video game, you wonder? Relatively comfortably. Aside from all the lemmings pacing back and forth, bashing at the walls, and digging out the floors, everything's pretty peaceful. The ground is really comfortable, except in those Greek-themed levels where it's all rock. Sometimes the sound of their building woke me up, but only when they only had three bricks before they ran out. Other than that they were perfectly quiet.

Overall rating: 7/10

Political Editorial

2008-08-06T12:05:00.007-05:00

A lot of people are making a fuss about how old John McCain is and how he still refers to Russia as the Soviet Union. Come on, people. He can't help that he's 80 years old, and I too am nostalgic for the hockey rivalry we had with the great Communist empire. Maybe we shouldn't make such a big deal out of that stuff.

So let's take a look at a few geographically competent people who are actually older than John McCain. And let's learn about ourselves and the elderly people who fill our grocery stores.

An Old Ecuadoran Woman
Age: presumably mid- to late-80s, but no one knows for sure
Life Accomplishments: trained circus monkeys, authored one of the most significant South American peace accords in modern history, briefly married to several well-known revolutionaries no United Statesian has ever heard of
What People Are Saying: "She looks like my grandma, if my grandma was Hispanic." -Brad Pitt.
"If I knew how to speak Spanish, I bet I could learn a lot from this lady. I'm not joking. That's not a joke." -Al Franken
Why is it better to be older than McCain? Because she still refers to Russia as Russia (though she means Czarist Russia, which is more anachronistic). Also, she's at that old age where old is cute, not ugly. People want a cute president (note: I can think of no exceptions to this statement).

An Old Man Who Spends All His Time Feeding Pigeons at the Park
Age: at least 90, so younger than he looks
Life Accomplishments: knows every state capital, tried to talk Lee Harvey Oswald out of moving to Dallas
What People Are Saying: "I see that guy all the time. I always thought he'd be cool to talk to, but I'd never go up to him. I think I'm afraid of old people." -my dog
"One time when I was walking through the park, I saw him feeding the pigeons, and I thought, Geez man, you're just drawing a giant crowd of pigeons. Get the heck out of here and let us walk through the dang park. I was gonna start kicking pigeons around, I was so pissed." -Oprah Winfrey
Why is it better to be older than McCain? Because people like dudes with canes (i.e. Fred Astaire in all those movies where he danced with a cane) as well as dudes who can't walk (i.e. FDR, who won more elections than any other presidential candidate ever).

Yoda
Age: 900?
Life Accomplishments: failed to save Old Republic, green, dead
What People Are Saying: "Was that guy even born? I think he just leapt out of a giant blue orb. And he was already old when that happened." -Emperor Palpatine
"This guy didn't just get old by sitting around like a lump of cheese. He's like accelerated-the-passage-of-time old. That's some serious old. I mean, look at that face! You don't get ears like that by sitting around like cheese." -Katie Couric
"Hey, why am I not on this list? I'm like 200 or something." -Emperor Palpatine again
Why is it better to be older than McCain? Because being president doesn't matter when you're 900. Not that you can't be president when you're that old--you'd be practically unstoppable in any fair election--but once you get that old, you pretty much have every Guinness World Record there could be, so being president kind of loses its appeal. Also, cane bonus applies again.

The Big Secret

2008-08-06T11:30:00.003-05:00

So in my travels abroad over the past two weeks (which I did not, in fact, spend with bears), I met a former employee of a certain clothing establishment. Because I don't want to cause too much of a scandal, I won't name it. But he let me in on some of their hiring practices, and one of them is shocking.

This place only hires gila monsters disguised as people.

I bet now you can guess which one it is. But in case you can't, it's Abercrombie. Thankfully this guy I met wasn't actually a gila monster, which is why he no longer works there. So next time you find somebody's mostly-devoured corpse in the middle of an Abercrombie store, you'll who ate them. The gila monster employees wearing human skin.

I've always been suspicious of gila monsters. And now that my suspicions are justified, you can't say I'm crazy and try to get me committed anymore.

My Absence

2008-08-06T10:24:00.004-05:00

It's been about two weeks since any of you have heard from me, and perhaps you're wondering what happened and where I've been. Perhaps you've been worried that The Mustache actually succeeded in stealing 1983, and I ceased to exist. Or perhaps you've wondered if I decided to finally sell all my stuff and go live with the bears. Or maybe you're more creative in your disappearance explanations and thought that I was kidnapped by a gang of hot air balloon pilots and decided to join them in their international hijinx.

If you were thinking any of that, you're all wrong. But the last one is the closest.

Actually, sorry, I forgot for a second. I did go and live with the bears. Here's a picture of me with one of them.

I know that doesn't look like me, but I never look like I really do in pictures. Especially in pictures with bears, I assume. My theory is that the blackness of the bears makes my hair look gray in comparison.

So yeah, I've been with bears for the past two weeks. Mystery solved. Thanks for all the good times, bears!

Moving On

2008-07-25T11:44:00.002-05:00

I've hit a few troubles lately. What with my car crash on Tuesday, no leftovers from the pizza I ordered last night, basketball players moving to Europe, and puppies dying everywhere, it's all becoming a bit too much. I spent the last couple days trying to figure out how I was going to cope, and I think I've finally settled on a solution.

I'm going to buy my own island and live there for the rest of my life.

I have no idea which island I'm going to buy yet. Turns out there are some islands that are just mountains, which weirds me out. Then there are some islands that are just sand, but I'm now convinced that I can't live without coconuts. And most of the islands with coconuts are not for sale (thanks to Mark Cuban, I'm sure--is there anything he hasn't bought yet?).

If I can't find a good enough island, I might go the way of Dubai and build my own. Nothing like a custom-made personal island, huh? Maybe I'll get it shaped like the Thundercats logo. That'd be sweet. Of course, the Thundercats logo might date itself fairly quickly, and people would probably think of me more as a billionaire nerd with lots of cats instead of an exciting young billionaire ninja magician.

But it doesn't really matter what people think. Thundercats Island, here I come!

Graham Crackers

2008-07-23T11:21:00.003-05:00

Here, for your mild amusement, is a list of reasons why I like graham crackers:

-They taste like honey and you avoid all the sticky mess, like when you cover a piece of carboard in honey and let it sit outside for about a week.

-They no longer contain trans fat, as far as I know.

-They go on the top and bottom of those gross marshmallow and chocolate things that everybody has at campfires.

-They're way better than getting your car smashed up in a hit-and-run accident, which happened to me yesterday.

-They don't taste like sand.

Shiva

2008-07-18T15:22:00.005-05:00

This is definitely the coolest thing I've ever seen.

Yep. That's a rocket car driving into a wall of TVs.

Apparently, a group of people decided to get together about 45 TVs and a rocket car, stack up the TVs, and drive the car into it. Whoever those people are, they are brilliant, and I would like to meet them and get their autographs.

There is something about creative destruction that makes it one of the most admirable of human pursuits. Right up there with being an astronaut and trying to stay up for 72 hours straight.

This is like traveling into another dimension. Like skydiving onto one giant mirror. Or digging a really big hole.

Villainy, part 2: Terrorism

2008-07-18T14:43:00.004-05:00

This whole enemy thing has gone too far.

Somebody blew up my ant farm.

This is the work of none other than Jose Canseco. I'm sure of it. With all the taunting I did, I should have seen it coming. As I doused his house with buckets upon buckets full of urine, a small part of my conscience warned me that inciting Canseco's wrath is probably not the wisest idea. But I had already eaten like a ton of Red Hots, and there was no turning back.

I loved that ant farm. I loved that ant farm like I loved a juicy hamburger on a cold winter's night. I loved that ant famr like a joey--a baby kangaroo--loves that gooey stuff in its mothers pouch. I loved that ant farm like the ground loves dirt and ants and being walked on. Plus those ants helped me blog, and they were funny. Or they would have been funny if they weren't too busy serving The Queen to develop a sense of humor.

You don't just crush a love like that and walk away easy. Jose Canseco, you just started a war that you won't be able to stop. You thought that urine thing was bad? What you've got coming is gonna make that seem like I planted flowers in the cracks between your toes. I'm gonna eat so many Red Hots--at least twice as many as when I poured the urine on your house. Then we'll see who blew up whose ant farm.

You haven't heard the last of me, Jose Canseco.

Villainy!

2008-07-18T08:57:00.006-05:00

I seem to have made a few arch-enemies in the past few weeks. I don't know what I did to get all these people against me--especially considering that they seem to have very personal vendettas--but like everything else, you just gotta roll with the punches, right?

Here's a rundown on what I know about these newfound villains. At least they all sent me pictures, so I at least have some frame of reference.

Let's get rolling with the least-threatening-looking guy. He didn't tell me his name, so I just call him "The Mustache."

Honestly, I am not surprised that one of my enemies has a kingly mustache. It seems like people with amazing mustaches tend to be more evil than people without mustaches. Maybe we should do an experiment. Anyway, The Mustache sent me a letter claiming he stole the year 1983, the year I was born. I was worried at first, but I'm beginning to doubt the veracity of that claim. Still, awesome mustache. In another life, perhaps we could be friends.

Next we have Captain Dan. We also have his sidekick, Mr. Toodles, the First Mate, but he seems to be nothing more than a point to emphasize Captain Dan's toughness. Every now and then he'll say, "YEAH!" after Captain Dan says something, but if you kick him in the shins he cries like a baby.

Captain Dan hasn't taken this arch-enemy thing very far yet, but that's a big "yet." Most of our encounters have been based on well-articulated threats and narrow-eyed glares. I think he's going to drive his boat into my house, much like that scene that I barely remember from that trailer for Speed 2. But it's more about the suspense than the boat-ramming with this guy, and I can sort of respect that. He also may or may not have taken one of my friends hostage. It's possible that friend just isn't returning my calls.

And lastly--as far as I know--there's Jose Canseco. Now this is definitely my fault. I sort of stole a helicopter (I returned it, so I still don't consider it stolen) and dumped about 100 gallons of urine on Jose Canseco's house.

I regret nothing. I mean, he's wearing a transparent shirt in front of a poster for The Man. That speaks for itself. Do your worst, Jose Canseco. I think I can take it.

Smooth Operator

2008-07-17T09:02:00.013-05:00

Hello, friends. Glad you stopped by. Life's going pretty swell. And in case you didn't know, I'm a smooth operator. That's right. A smooth operator.

I can tell that you're curious. How does one become a smooth operator? Well, let me tell you.

Actually, let me not tell you. Because I have no idea. I just am one. But I can tell you that it has nothing to do with the song, which is surprisingly dirty.

Did you know that my digestive system produces soft-serve ice cream? That's just one of the benefits of being a smooth operator. Don't worry, it's just vanilla.

Smooth operators aren't very common. And most of the time they're hiding. There could be one behind that haystack over there. Or maybe there's one in the bushes outside your house right now.

See if you can identify the smooth operator in the following pictures:

1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.

Answers:
1-the guy in the green sweater vest
2-the bald guy on the left who isn't Churchill
3-Neptune, and possibly the guy pointing at him
4-TRICK QUESTION! Robots are not smooth operators! The people in that picture are not coarse operators, but they're not smooth either.
5-the camel
6-George Washington and Thomas Jefferson
7-The sun
8-The guy with the monocle and the grandfather clock

Kermit the Guru

2008-07-15T09:21:00.002-05:00

I've learned a lot of things over the years. The alphabet, multiplication, how to play video games, to name a few. But the most important things I've learned I learned from Kermit the Frog.

Kermit recently reminded me of his great wisdom when he told me that it's not easy being green. I can relate somewhat, since I have like four or five green shirts, but I think the depth of his pain is greater than mine. Also, I don't especially feel any difficulty when I wear my green shirts--two of them are more comfortable than the rest of my shirts, actually. So maybe I don't relate to the song at all.

Still, I respect where Kermit's coming from. He's had a difficult life being green, and I do think I can learn something from that. Life isn't easy, after all, whether we're green or not, though apparently it's a little harder if you are green.

Except that I just listened to the end of the song, and it turns out that Kermit ends up wanting to be green. What a cop-out. I always cried through the first half of the song and had to turn it off because Kermit's suffering made me so sad. I feel so emotionally manipulated. Screw you, Kermit.

Only Books and Art Museums From Now On

2008-07-10T08:44:00.004-05:00

Today, thanks to a good friend of mine, I'm considering giving up all television and movies (and some internet) for a period of 40 days. Who knows, maybe we'll stretch that out into forever. I'm so unpredictable. You never know what I'll quit and for how long.

This may seem like a horrifying and even life-threatening idea to some of you (and I'm not just talking about the Blogulator), and I can't blame you. After all, television and film represent the best of what our culture has to offer...some of the time. You may ask, what more could there be to life beyond these media? Here's what I expect to find or learn more about in my entertainment fast:
-friendship
-God
-tacos

While I considered turning this blog into a periodic journal of my televisionless life, I decided that would be boring and lame. So I present to you a sampling of what my journal may possibly look like, should I decide to do one at all, and if I would ever have posted it.

Day Four: Doing OK. Life's not that much different. I learned about the cheese chemistry in chicken tacos today, but I still don't think I'll eat chicken tacos. Somebody once asked me if I wanted a turkey taco. What were they thinking? Of course not! So I said no, and they threw it at my car.

Day Ten: Remember that episode of The Simpsons when Homer imagines his life in the woods like Thoreau? He's sitting at a lake, and he writes in his journal, "I wish I brought a TV. Oh God how I miss TV!" I don't think I laughed at that moment. It wasn't that funny. Or when he was like, "No TV and no beer make Homer something something." I guess it's not as funny when I write it down.

Day Twenty: Tried to discover the cure for AIDS today. No luck. I thought since I wasn't wasting my time in entertainment I'd have a better chance. Turns out I need to be a scientitian or something. I forget what they're called. Maybe I'll look into that whole science thing and give it another shot tomorrow.

Day Thirty-three: The government's trying to get me. I saw a white van parked outside, and I know it's them. I better slash their tires and go to Canada. Before it's too late.

Day Thirty-five: Canada is not nearly as bad as TV always said it was. I get to spend the whole day dancing in the forest and talking to the trees. One of them is pretty cute. I might ask her to marry me. I know it might seem like I'm moving too fast, but marrying a Canadian will also get the US government off my tail. Do trees count as Canadian citizens?

And Another Thing

2008-07-08T09:25:00.004-05:00

Take your child to work day is coming up later this month. In general, I'm totally indifferent to it, as long as no one expects me to say anything to anyone less than half my age (you're OK by me, 13-year-olds). And having kids around makes it feel OK to nap at my desk.

But this year my company is planning some activities for the kids. I work for an insurance company, so you can pretty much guarantee that these activities will be boring and/or pointless. These activities include a tour of the building, practice job applications and interviews, make your own powerpoint presentation, and hip hop dance lessons.

I'm almost getting tired of doing commentary on absurd things like this. An insurance company teaching hip hop dance lessons. Oh, the white people!

Not to mention these are going to be kids--they just learned to walk four or five years ago. And may I reiterate that we're an insurance company and have no business teaching any kind of dancing, let alone the least insurance-company-y kind of dancing there is.

Worst of all, apparently the kids don't even get to use this whole go-to-work day to get a day off of school anymore. What a cop-out.

Getting the Aitch Out

2008-07-08T08:47:00.002-05:00

Normally I'm not one to point out signs of the Apocalypse and give warnings of our impending doom, but this is too much. OK, so maybe it's not Apocalyptic, but it's enough to convince me that this country is thoroughly entrenched in a path to its own destruction. There is no way out, America. Better git up to Canada.

Why? Because apparently McCain is more popular than Obama among pet owners. A real poll was carried out, and it came in favoring McCain 42% to 37% (and 21% being too sensible to participate). Equally horrifying is the fact that Obama leads among people who do not own pets.

This, ladies and gentlemen, is what the United States' electoral system is all about. Finding obscure demographics and polling them. Once upon a time we would have elections in this country that weren't 14-month dog-and-pony shows. Remember when only wealthy, land-owning males could vote? Those were the days. Whoever gave pet owners a say in this process ought to be considered an enemy of the state.

I wonder what they'd think about this poll in Zimbabwe? Or anywhere else where pet owners don't matter because the election process is just a sham to make people think they live in a democracy? I bet all the pet owners in those places wish they could express their opinions in meaningless polls. That is, if there were any pet owners and the people weren't starving to the point where they have to eat the stray dogs, which are also starving.

So I guess I was wrong. It's not just America that's screwed, it's the whole world. But at least we're deluded enough into thinking that a poll of pet owners is an important source of information, which is a good thing, yes? I'll be counting my blessings from now on. #1: Don't have to eat starving dogs.

Independence Eve

2008-07-03T11:20:00.002-05:00

Today we celebrate the fact that our nation's independence was declared tomorrow. This day is no different from most of the days preceding our Independence Day, as the American people tend not to do much specialy until the actual day itself. At best, this day is one of anticipation, though it's most likely not even that.

So allow me to propose that we actually start to celebrate July 3rd as a national holiday. Just as our Founding Fathers were on the verge making a bold statement to their oppressors, so we should spend our days remembering their anxiety over an upcoming war (though war had technically already begun at that point) and their bitter division against Loyalists within the Continental Congress that would soon be resolved (though the vote on declaring independence had already occurred as well, and the motion was carried) to much rejoicing.

Until the government decides that July 3rd should be a paid holiday for all citizens (and illegal immigrants, sure), let's all sleep with copies of the Declaration of Independence under our pillows and dream of impassioned, boring speeches (even though no one from the Congress was actually allowed to speak; they communicated by notes), the signing of the document (though it wasn't actually signed until August), the outraged reaction of the king (who must have received it even later than that), and the Phillies winning the World Series.

B is for Batman Returns

2008-06-26T10:47:00.004-05:00

You may or may not recall that I once posted about Batman (see above). It was not what anyone would call a great post. It's hardly worth this moment of reflection. But strangely enough, it is far and away the number one reason people are visiting my blog.

That's right, somehere around 80% of the people visiting this site are here for that very picture of Batman. That means for every time you read this legitimately, four people just dropped by to check out Batman. In the last day and a half, 60 people have come here for Batman and Batman only.

Normally I'd offer several absurd explanations as to why this may be, but I can't come up with even one bizarre possibility. This makes no sense to me at all. None. So instead I'm just going to delete that post and blog more about whale explosions and monocle jokes.

Anybody got a good monocle joke?

2008 NBA Mock Mock Draft

2008-06-25T11:57:00.006-05:00

We've once again arrived at the day before the NBA draft. My good friend Qualler reminded me that I once posted a mock draft and asked me if I would do one again. I'm amazed that I was actually able to find my 2007 MOCK draft, but I did. Now, the sequel.

Before I begin, a few thoughts on what changed from last year. Two teams who had picks in the 20s last year are picking #1 and #2 this year. Portland, who picked first last year, is now the trendy pick to dominate the league for the next million years. And, as predicted, The Chicken won rookie of the year. Basically, this league has never been more effed up.

Let's draft.

1. Chicago Bulls
Pick: Sparky the Seal
Chicago's new (and totally inexperienced) coach will be able to ease into the job by taking a trained seal on the team. Coaching in the NBA is often a trial-by-fire business, but a seal makes everybody look good. Unfortunately, this sets the tone for what will be an utterly ridiculous draft.

2. Miami Heat
Pick: traded to Memphis for half a dozen bagels and a ticket to the natural history museum
The surprisingly sudden decline of the '05-'06 champion will no longer seem so surprising. But hey, Dwayne Wade needs to eat, and who doesn't like natural history?
So...
2. Memphis Grizzlies (from Miami Heat)
Pick: The future
They definitely don't have one at the moment, so I'd say it's a wise pick.

3. Minnesota Timberwolves
Pick: A 30-win season
The 'Wolves are easily the losingest sports franchise in Minnesota state history, so they'll look to move up the ladder a bit by drafting a slight improvement in their win-loss record.

4. Seattle Supersonics
Pick: The Seattle Supersonsics
Though it wouldn't make sense for most teams to draft themselves, it does for Seattle. Two reasons: it helps give the team the identity it lacked last season, and it secures the rights for Kevin Durant to write a novel about an NBA team that is actually a different NBA team, which is actually the same NBA team.

5. Memphis Grizzlies
Pick: the past
With the future already in their draft baggies, it only makes sense for them to draft the past. Expect your new history textbooks to be released in early February by 40-Time-Champion-Grizzlies Press.

6. New York Knicks
Pick: Sing Sing Federal Prison
Controversial pick, but the Knicks had little choice but to draft a prison to send their players to. Expect at least one starter to get the death penalty before the end of the season.

7. Los Angeles Clippers
Pick: pick forfeited
For the second year in a row the Clippers are forced to forfeit their pick in retribution for the Marko Jaric-Sam Cassell trade. But this time it's because of the Clips' poor ice cream service to Timberwolves fans last season.

8. Milwaukee Bucks
Pick: Mustard
The Bucks have been looking for a good condiment to put on their bratwurst for some time. They're lucky mustard's still on the board at this point.

9. Charlotte Bobcats
Pick: bunny slippers
I do not understand why the Bobcats are a perennial lottery team. Oh wait, yes I do. It's cuz they're soft. If the players are going to keep it up, they're going to need some nice slippers.

10. New Jersey Nets
Pick: a soda
Don't expect the Nets to prepare for this draft at all. The only reason they end up with anything is because their GM is heard to say, "I could really go for a soda right now." Will the soda deliver on expectations?

11. Indiana Pacers
Pick: Reggie Miller's ghost
Two things wrong with this pick: Reggie Miller is not dead, and ghosts are notoriously poor ball-handlers. Look for the Pacers to dump their whole roster in the Ohio River when this pick doesn't pan out.

12. Sacramento Kings
Pick: robots with lasers
There are many teams that wish to undo the mistakes of the past, and since the time machine withdrew from the draft two weeks ago, Sacramento changed its position to annihilating the possibility for mistakes in the future. Their strategy is to unleash the robots on opposing teams, but expect the robots to turn against the Kings a third of the way into the season.

13. Portland Trail Blazers
Pick: Memories of the 2006 and 2007 NBA drafts
Portland, taking this whole promising young team thing a little too far, decides to rub it in everybody's faces that they totally rocked the last two draft years. It would have been wiser to draft a healthy knee or something so that Greg Oden could walk under his own power.

14. Golden State Warriors
Pick: superpowers for everyone on the team but Baron Davis
Baron Davis already has superpowers. Everybody else needs a reason to live--but superpowers will keep their minds off of that for a while.

15. Phoenix Suns (from Atlanta Hawks)
Pick: The Hypnotist
Responding to Atlanta's pick last year of The Magician, Phoenix takes his brother, The Hypnotist. While everybody's been talking about The Hypnotist's poor work ethic and slipping athleticism, he's better than the alternatives (an iceberg, or 2 tons of confetti).

16. Philadelphia 76ers
Pick: mustaches
You can never have too many mustaches.

17. Toronto Raptors
Pick: one ticket straight outta this league
I hate the Raptors. Get the heck out of the NBA, you stinky jerks. And take Canada with you.

18. Washington Wizards
Pick: The 1970s
Surprising pick, considering the Wizards weren't a team in the 70s and therefore would cease to exist once this pick is signed. But the 70s were a golden age for Washington. Watergate, Vietnam, Jimmy Carter. Good times.

19. Cleveland Cavaliers
Pick: a half-finished cloning machine
Good pick, considering even one clone of LeBron James would make this team unstoppable. But who's going to finish building the machine? Ben Wallace?

20. Denver Nuggets
Pick: books
If there's any NBA team that needs to learn how to read, it's the Nuggets (and maybe the Knicks). In my opinion, they should draft a tutor. You can't just open a book and learn how to read. Plus a good tutor could probably back up 'Melo at the 2.

21. New Jersey Nets (from Dallas Mavericks)
Pick: the same soda from before
No surprises here. After finishing that first soda, New Jersey's GM is heard to remark, "That soda was pretty good." The pick is announced to much applause, but because of the strict rules of the draft, no refill is delivered, as "that soda" technically refers to the soda picked originally.

22. Orlando Magic
Pick: Alexis Anjinca
Orlando, one of the least creative teams in the NBA, selects an actual basketball player. However, this particular basketball player is French, so I'm sure that the pick will end up being as worthless as the rest.

23. Utah Jazz
Pick: Season Two of Big Love on DVD
Though technically no one on the Jazz is Mormon, is married to more than one woman, or owns a DVD player, they go for the home town pick with HBO's Utah-based show. I bet Big Love will only play well with Andrei Kirilenko, who won't even be with the Jazz after this season.

24. Seattle Supersonics (from Phoenix)
Pick: The Portland Trail Blazers
Just in case picking themselves doesn't hold up, they'll back themselves up with the other team from the Pacific Northwest. Hopefully Commissioner David Stern's head will explode as contemplates how two franchises could actually be the same franchises while still somehow being different franchises though actually having been the same franchise all along.

25. Houston Rockets
Pick: a mechanical spine
It's time the Rockets come to terms with it--Tracy McGrady's back just doesn't work. You have to replace the whole darn thing. Yao, on the other hand, needs so many new parts that he'd take another 2-3 drafts to take care of.

26. San Antonio Spurs
Pick: a different cactus
Last year I predicted the Spurs would pick a cactus. I was wrong, but the guy they did pick decided not to join the NBA after all, so it turns out a cactus would have been better. However, the cactus from last year is now dead, so it's time to pick a different cactus.

27. New Orleans Hornets
Pick: a lifetime supply of whipped cream
They're going to fill their arena with this stuff. Look forward to the greatest 41 games of basketball you'll ever see--this year at wherever the Hornets play now.

28. Memphis Grizzlies (from LA Lakers)
Pick: Hank Williams
It would have made more sense for Memphis to draft the present, what with drafting the future and the past. But now they've got a long year ahead and a dead country singer to exhume.

29. Detroit Pistons
Pick: Al Gore
Kind of ironic, when you think about it. I mean, why would a team pick a vice president when there are so many regular presidents still on the board? But I guess that's not really irony, is it?

30. Boston Celtics
Pick: Al Gore
Didn't he just get picked? Or are they picking a different Al Gore? Seriously, though, why not Zachary Taylor?

The Meaning of Life

2008-06-24T09:44:00.002-05:00

I encountered an interesting bumper sticker this morning. I tend to despise bumper stickers, and this one was no exception, but it asked a question that intrigued me. Or maybe it didn't intrigue me, but it seemed worth blogging about.

The question was this:
"What if the Hokey Pokey really is what it's all about?"

I have several thoughts about this, but they all revolve around the same idea. That idea being suicide. Because if this statement were true, we may as well all kill ourselves now. The alternative (a lifetime of hokey-pokey) is not especially appealing.

We've come a long way since the Rennaisance, sure, but the hokey pokey might be our last refuge for a meaningful life in this crazy world? Are video games, politics, and Cheetos no longer enough to satisfy the soul? And what if we invented robots to do the hokey pokey for us? Would we then become obsolete?

Actually, now I'm so horrified at the prospect of hokey-pokeying robots that I have to end this post. Pray that no mad scientists or mad robot-builders ever read this blog.

No Hope

2008-06-20T11:18:00.004-05:00

Today is shaping up to be a long day. Each week I'm more impatient for Friday to end, and this week I was ready to be out for the weekend as of 12:30pm yesterday. So this extra day and a half of working is not something I'm enjoying.

Since I'm starting to think that dying of thirst in the desert would be a slight improvement, here's a short play about me dying of thirst in the desert.

ME: Woe is me! I'm dying of thirst in the desert!
(Ghost of Genghis Khan appears)
ME: Whoa, a mirage!
KHAN: I am not a mirage. I'm the ghost of Genghis Khan.
ME: What are you doing here?
KHAN: I'm here to guide you out of this desert.
ME: But there's no way out! It's just desert forever!
KHAN: (slaps me in the face) INSOLENT FOOL!
ME: Ow.
KHAN: But you are right. There is no way out.
ME: Then why did you slap me?
KHAN: The better question is, why am I not slapping you right now?
ME: I guess you're right.
KHAN: Indeed. (slaps me again)
ME: So what do we do now?
KHAN: Do you know if they have any Mongolian barbecue places around here?
ME: It's the desert.
KHAN: Where I am from, they have Mongolian barbecue in the desert.
ME: But you're from Mongolia.
KHAN: True.
ME: Do you know how to get to Mongolia from here?
KHAN: (pause) No.
ME: Great.
KHAN: (pause) Where are we?
ME: The desert.
KHAN: Ah yes. The desert.
ME: We're screwed, aren't we?
KHAN: Not we. You.
ME: Why aren't you screwed?
KHAN: Because I am a ghost. Also because I conquered China.
ME: Oh yeah.

It's a Joke

2008-06-19T16:06:00.007-05:00

In my years of blogging, I've received several comments from people who, for one reason or another, take me seriously. When I blogged about Buffalo, Minnesota, a Buffalo native suggested that I reconsider my "stance" on not ever wanting to live there. Over a year after I had posted it, someone commented on my B is for Batman entry aggressively defending the hero (even though I had said literally nothing about him). Most recently, someone suggested that I keep track of my hitchhiking trip on some online journal to give tips to other travelers.

Now I welcome all comments, and I won't even make fun of them. But I'd like to clarify the apparently common misunderstanding that this blog is by any means grounded in truth or fact. It is not. It's all a joke. All of it. I haven't said anything serious here since 1970 (except for this one). I'm sorry if I betrayed your trust, very small number of people who I've never met. Trust is a fragile thing, and I'll try to rebuild it.

Which is why, henceforth, this blog will be no longer a house of lies. I feel too guilty for misleading those three people. Entertainment and humor should not take so great a toll on my conscience. So from now on I'll be devoting my writings to reviews of Broadway plays, detailed descriptions of things I find on the ground, and promotion for my new real estate business.

Would anyone like to buy a Brooklyn Bridge?

The Road

2008-06-17T15:40:00.003-05:00

I know I haven't told many of you yet, but I'm planning a cross-country road trip. I'll hitchhiking around the whole country for the rest of the summer. Why? No reason. It's not like I'm running from the law or anything...yet.

Here's the route: I'm heading down south to Houston, west to San Diego, north to Seattle, then I'm going to try to score a boat trip through the Panama Canal to take me to Miami, and then north to Boston, and back west to Minneapolis. The boat part was so I wouldn't have to go through Iowa twice, which would have been really poor planning.

Now a trip like this generally isn't the most safe, so I'll go over a safety FAQ to set your worries at rest.

Where will you be staying?
I have a friend in Arizona, I think. Other than that, I'll be mostly sleeping in caves.

What will you do for food?
That's not even close to a real question.

What if you get attacked by bears?
I don't even think I need to prepare for this scenario. The bears will undoubtedly love me and accept me as one of their own.

Did you know hitchhiking's illegal?
Did you know that you're a liar?

Have you ever seen Milo & Otis?
Yes, and that's actually part of my inspiration for this trip. I'm hoping I'll meet a traveling companion and we'll have kittens together.

What's your favorite part of Milo & Otis?
Can you really have a favorite part of that movie? It's all so good.

Give me a call if you wanna meet up in Nebraska or something. Except that I probably won't ever be in Nebraska. Give me a call anyways and I'll see what my hitchhiking can do.