Rock Bands of the '80s Interview Series: Part 1

Interview with REO Speedwagon

ME: Thanks for coming, guys!
DAVE AMATO: What? Where the hell are we?
KEVIN CRONIN: Mmmhmm...grmmm....
DAVE AMATO: Wake up, Kevin!
NEAL DOUGHTY: Kevin! Wake up!
KEVIN CRONIN: What? What's going on?
NEAL DOUGHTY: We don't know. We just woke up here too.
BRUCE HALL: Hey, let us go, man!
ME: So what would you say are your guys' biggest influences?
KEVIN CRONIN: Was I drugged?
DAVE AMATO: We all were.
BRUCE HALL: We're all tied up too!
KEVIN CRONIN: Why is it so dark? Where's Bryan?
BRYAN HITT: Hello?
NEAL DOUGHTY: Bryan? Are you awake?
BRYAN HITT: I think so. Are we still playing that show tonight?
DAVE AMATO: I don't know, Bryan. I don't know.
BRUCE HALL: So are you gonna untie us, or what?
ME: Guys, guys, calm down. Let's talk about your first album.
NEAL DOUGHTY: This guy's completely insane.
BRUCE HALL: We're gonna have to try to escape. Bryan, you distract him while we make a run for it.
BRYAN HITT: How come I'm always the distraction?
KEVIN CRONIN: Cuz you didn't play on any of our good albums.
BRYAN HITT: Neither did Dave.
DAVE AMATO: Shut up!
KEVIN CRONIN: Oh man, I think I'm gonna throw up.
BRUCE HALL: Are you gonna torture us or something, man?
ME: Great story, fellas. Well, that's all the time we have! Thanks for making it out here, REO Speedwagon. (Gets up and leaves)
BRUCE HALL: Hey! You can't just leave us here! We're REO Speedwagon!
NEAL DOUGHTY: Technically only Kevin and I are REO Speedwagon. We're the only original members.
KEVIN CRONIN: (pukes all over himself)
BRYAN HITT: There's no way out, is there?
DAVE AMATO: Guys, since we may not make it out of here alive, I just want to say, I'm sorry for writing "Take it on the Run."
NEAL DOUGHTY: Dude, Gary wrote that song.
DAVE AMATO: I know, but since I took his place, I take responsibility for it.
NEAL DOUGHTY: You're such a douchebag. If I didn't play keyboards, I would so kick you out of the band.
BRYAN HITT: Guys?
BRUCE HALL: Yeah Bryan?
BRYAN HITT: Do you think anybody's gonna miss us?
(pause, during which Kevin mumbles the lyrics to "Keep on Loving You" to himself)
NEAL DOUGHTY: No.
BRUCE HALL: Yeah, probably not.
KEVIN CRONIN: I've wasted my life.

Smooth Operator

Hello, friends. Glad you stopped by. Life's going pretty swell. And in case you didn't know, I'm a smooth operator. That's right. A smooth operator.

I can tell that you're curious. How does one become a smooth operator? Well, let me tell you.

Actually, let me not tell you. Because I have no idea. I just am one. But I can tell you that it has nothing to do with the song, which is surprisingly dirty.

Did you know that my digestive system produces soft-serve ice cream? That's just one of the benefits of being a smooth operator. Don't worry, it's just vanilla.

Smooth operators aren't very common. And most of the time they're hiding. There could be one behind that haystack over there. Or maybe there's one in the bushes outside your house right now.

See if you can identify the smooth operator in the following pictures:

1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.


Answers:
1-the guy in the green sweater vest
2-the bald guy on the left who isn't Churchill
3-Neptune, and possibly the guy pointing at him
4-TRICK QUESTION! Robots are not smooth operators! The people in that picture are not coarse operators, but they're not smooth either.
5-the camel
6-George Washington and Thomas Jefferson
7-The sun
8-The guy with the monocle and the grandfather clock

Kermit the Guru

I've learned a lot of things over the years. The alphabet, multiplication, how to play video games, to name a few. But the most important things I've learned I learned from Kermit the Frog.

Kermit recently reminded me of his great wisdom when he told me that it's not easy being green. I can relate somewhat, since I have like four or five green shirts, but I think the depth of his pain is greater than mine. Also, I don't especially feel any difficulty when I wear my green shirts--two of them are more comfortable than the rest of my shirts, actually. So maybe I don't relate to the song at all.

Still, I respect where Kermit's coming from. He's had a difficult life being green, and I do think I can learn something from that. Life isn't easy, after all, whether we're green or not, though apparently it's a little harder if you are green.

Except that I just listened to the end of the song, and it turns out that Kermit ends up wanting to be green. What a cop-out. I always cried through the first half of the song and had to turn it off because Kermit's suffering made me so sad. I feel so emotionally manipulated. Screw you, Kermit.

All Y'all Whack Emcees

Here's a song I wrote while listening to a guy sing songs that I wished were all about whack emcees. It's called "All Y'all Whack Emcees (Don't Get It (But That's OK))."

All y'all whack emcees, listen up to what I have to say.
In the game of hip hop, there is only one way to play.
And there are also some other ways, and I can dig them too,
And then there's you, oh yeah, you play the whack way.
Hey there, whack emcees. You're whack.
Whack. Wiggity whack. Wiggity wiggity whack.
Y'all whack emcees don't get it, but that's OK.

Everybody keeps hating on you whack emcees, all right.
They're up there on stage hating on you every night.
And they're not whack, oh no, they're not whack at all.
But you are, apparently, oh yeah, oh yeah, whack emcees.
Wiggity wiggity whack.
Wiggity wiggity whack.
All y'all whack emcees don't get it, oh yeah.
Y'all don't get it, and I guess that's OK.

Oh, y'all whack emcees, you oughtta wise up some.
The other rappers be hating you because you're so dumb.
You need to be loved just like the rest of us,
So you shold probably stop being a whack emcee right now.
Oh, y'all whack emcees,
You're so whack, a-wiggity wiggity.
Y'all whack emcees,
You don't get it, and it's not OK anymore.

Hey now, let's slow it down.

One day you whack emcees gonna grow up,
Y'all gonna be daddies, gonna have babies,
And then it ain't gonna be such a great idea
To pour champagne all over those laides.
Gonna have to take care of your babies,
Gonna have to get a real job, ooooh ooooh!
Better let go of that mike and hold your baby,
Cuz rocking that mike won't feed your baby.
Holding that mike and not your baby,
Your baby's gonna be a whack emcee like you!

Lava for Everyone

I'm pretty sure the local volcano erupted this morning. I was driving to work and noticed a bunch of ash flakes flying past the cars. Somebody said it was probably snow, but whoever said that is an idiot.

Thankfully, I haven't seen any lava, so I assume it's all flowing in the opposite direction. Sucks to be Chanhassen, I guess. Maybe they should take a lesson from Jimmy Buffett:

I don't know
I don't know
I don't know where I'm-a gonna go
When the volcano blow.

The man is thinking ahead, at least. That's one up on Chanhassen. And who's the one burning in a deluge of melted rock? It's not Jimmy Buffett, that's for sure.

Halloween, the Backstreet Way

Nobody celebrates Halloween like the Backstreet Boys, apparently.



Not that this video made any sense to me. The theme seems to be, "The Backstreet Boys are actually monsters, so rock your body right." Whatever. They've got good rhythm for white boys.



But I was more of an 'N Sync fan, so I won't be celebrating Halloween this year.

T

T is for A Tribe Called Quest



Q-Tip is awesome, but that seems an unwise choice for an emcee name. He probably should have picked something less directly associated with wiping the wax out of your ears. Unless, wait, I think I get it--it's like his rhymes are wiping the wax out of my ears! Nice!

But what's with the green and red mascot guy?

R

R is for Row, Row, Row Your Boat



I hate this song with a passion. Especially when they start doing it in canon. Man. Whoever wrote this song must have been possessed by Satan, or at least caused others to be possessed by Satan.

But it actually makes me wish I had a boat to row. I'm not talking kayak or canoe here. I'm talking rowboat. I wanna do this old school.

Scattergories Index: 3

O

O is for O



Good album, but it's now somewhat overshadowed in my mind by the recent follow-up, 9. O is the superior album overall, but 9 has better songs.

I heard that O is based on The Story of O by some old-timey French author, but every internet search I do for that book only produces results about orgasms by Americans. Not like I'd read a French book anyway.

Seven

For my next mix CD project, I will burn seven discs, each one themed after one of the seven virtues. I was all excited to work on this over the next few weeks, but then I encountered a problem. While the Catholic church named seven deadly sins, they named 14 virtues. Talk about going overboard.

There is one group of seven "capital" virtues, and each of these is the opposite of a deadly sin. Then there's the four "cardinal" virtues (prudence, justice, temperance, and fortitude), my personal favorites, which are often paired with the three "theological" virtues (faith, hope and charity). So which ones do I make my mix CDs for?

I'm gonna go with cardinal and theological, I think. That'll be the real challenge. Anybody could make a CD after the deadly sins or undeadly virtues, but tackling something like "fortitude" will require some sound mixology.

And to Adam: if you have any suggestions for any of these CDs, let me know, since you'll be the one to hear them on the drive down to Faithwalkers.

Grab Bag

Here are some things I've wanted to talk about for a while but haven't been long-winded enough to spin a whole post about.

1. I feel really awkward carrying a package of toilet paper to my car from the Eden Prairie mall. The rich people look at you like they don't have to wipe anything ever. Maybe they have bidets.

2. I also feel really awkward looking at skin care products that I don't understand. I felt a little less awkward than usual this time because there were a couple guys browsing them with me. I wanted to put my arms around them and have a bonding moment over our cluelessness.

3. No matter how excited I am about Justin Timberlake's new album, I cannot get over the terrible title. FutureSex? That's so...uncreative. He was off to a good start with Justified--what an awesome pun--and now this. Maybe he figures we'll all buy it no matter what. Well, he's right. As long as it's got those delicious beats, it could be called I Love Hitler and I'd still buy four.

Changing My Name

It's been clear for a couple years now that my theme song is "My Name Is Jonas" by Weezer. I have a box full of your toys, my little brother sends me letters full of concerns about the building, and I often invite people to come sit next to me and pour themselves some tea. But there's always been one thing standing in the way of accepting this as my true anthem: my name is not Jonas.

I don't think I could change my name to Jonas. It's a thought I'll have to throw around for the next year or two before I can be sure, but it's doubtful. Not that I like the name Ben--I've never liked the name Ben; it sounds funny--but name changes are just so inauthentic. So I think I'll just have to name one of my kids Jonas. Then I can rock out when he's in the car singing, "His name is Jonas," and really annoy him and his friends.

Teenagers Want To Be Depressed

Today I rolled to work to the tune of Dashboard Confessional. Five to six years ago, that would have been a total party, but today it was just confusing. You see, I'm a generally happy person, and listening to such deliberately depressing music doesn't make sense to me anymore.

Then I discovered why Dashboard is popular. Marketing genius Chris Carrabba realized that the overwhelming majority of teenagers 1) are depressed and 2) like music. From there, he probably thought he could make some music that capitalized on that depression, but he wanted to take it further than that. He figured his music could do more than exploit--it could create a feedback loop. Depressed kids listen to the music and feel more depressed, thus requiring more music. So they buy the albums, come to the shows, and purchase the merchandise. It's a neverending cycle of depressed teenagers and money flowing into Carrabba's blood-stained fists.

Of course, then CC got stupid and decided to make a happy song ("Hands Down"). All the kids woke from their hypnotic stupor, and you haven't heard from Dashboard since.

And that's how emo nearly destroyed America.

The Benefits of Toothpaste

Most of you think toothpaste is just for people who want their teeth to be shiny and their breath to be bearable to the rest of the world. That's all great, but now it's appealing to the people who like free music. Just last night, I got three (3) free downloads on Aquafresh's dime.

Some of you know my musical taste is eclectic, and while I wish I could say that my downloads reflected that, I can't. I did not download Vangelis, Grandmaster Flash, and The Nitty Gritty Dirt Band. My songs were:

"Wouldn't it Be Nice" by The Beach Boys
"Sugar, We're Goin Down" by Fall Out Boy
and "Fields of Gold" by Sting

I think these three songs will be all I listen to for the next month or so. I already burned a CD with nothing but them.

#2: Justin Timberlake

Many of you were surprised by my sincere Keanu fandom, but prepare to be even more surprised. Not only am I a sincere fan of a "bad" actor, I am a sincere fan of pop star Justin Timberlake.

Until yesterday, my love for Justin was one a part of my personality that I took for granted. But when Anna Leisa and Rachel discovered it, they were shocked. I don't know why. He's a great singer and a great performer. I'd be more surprised if someone didn't like him.

Remember, this is absolutely for real! I'm not pretending to like my boy JT for laughs. And I'm seriously excited for the new album. Because Justin's bringing sexy back.

To Regulate

Today on my drive home from work while I was stopped at an intersection, I heard a car honk, and I believe that car was honking at me. I looked over at the guy in the car that honked, and he looked back at me. I hadn't done anything that warranted honking, at least I thought so, until I realized the music that I was playing at a loud volume. Every white guy's favorite rap song, "Regulators" by Warren G featuring Nate Dogg.

Good thing I didn't have to regulate, man. Cuz I would have SUCKED. I had neither 16 in the clip nor 1 in the hole, and even if I had that advantage over my opponent, it's a well-known fact that 612 can't hold a candle to 213 on the regulation of things. So Warren G, if you're ever in my hood, you can just go ahead and take my car.

My Favorite Phil Collins Experience

Some of you might read that subject line and wonder if I've had enough Phil Collins experiences to have a favorite one. Let me tell ya, I've had plenty. Too many to count, but not enough to wanna shoot myself.

I was walking down my apartment hallway after work, and I overheard a conversation in apartment 3. Apartment 3 is home to my rapper neighbor. He's a really nice guy, and he's got a pretty good flow. But this time, instead of hearing that flow, I heard a discussion of the merits of Phil Collins. A visitor said that Phil Collins was terrible, and my neighbor named a couple good Phil Collins songs to prove that Phil Collins is, in fact, the bomb. I wish I could remember those songs named because neither of them were "In the Air Tonight" or "Salisbury Hill," and neither of those songs prove anything about Phil Collins aside from the fact that he is lame.

The President's Address

SIKE! This has nothing to do with the president.

I was listening to the radio today for the first time in months--maybe years. My dial was set to 99.5, Minnesota Public Radio, the classical version. So I'm lounging in my loungable car, listening to Purcell's musical interpretation of The Faerie Queene, and then they phase into a Monty Python sketch. A sketch about a cheese shop that didn't have any cheese. The highlight, after many cheeses have been eliminated...

John Cleese: Do you have any cheese here?
Michael Palin: Yes, we have--
John Cleese: Don't tell me; I am keen to guess.

I conclude that this is my perfect radio station. So I'll probably listen to it for another week or two before I again quit radio forever.

My Adventures in Duluth (A Narrative)

I know I don't usually just tell things that happened, especially if they're non-funny things, but nuts to being usual. Here's a story.

This weekend I went to Duluth to visit my friend Mary. It was great fun, maybe more fun than any road-trippy visit ever before. But it began with me getting lost in ghetto West Duluth. The problem is there are two exits for 21st St in Duluth, one is 21st St W and the other is 21st St E. I took the west one, which is wrong. But since I didn't know it was wrong, I spent about a half hour driving around West Duluth trying to find an intersection that didn't exist. I would have called Mary, but my phone didn't work.

Eventually I stopped at Lee's Pizza to use a phone. Lee's Pizza might be a drug front or a front of some kind. The people there were very skeptical of me borrowing their phones and insisted that my friend not call their number back (why would she?). Then, as I waited on the corner for Mary and Michael to come pick me up, I saw and heard some strange things at Lee's. A woman walked into the restaurant, and a couple of the restaurant people came outside and commented on how they'd never seen that woman before. Like they only serve people they know. Or are wary of possible undercover cops. But then Mary and Michael came and we went to Pizza Luce and safety.

That night we went out for the Homegrown Music Festival, and though we knew that most of the music we would see would suck, it was fairly enjoyable. I do not recommend Boy Girl Boy Girl or Fair-Weather Friend or Cars and Trucks to anyone, but I will say that they won't make you want to shoot yourself if you have to wait through them for a good band. Especially when that good band is Black-Eyed Snakes. On CD, they're good. Live, they're amazing. It was one of the best shows I've seen. Except for the strobe light. Strobe lights make me sick.

The next day Mary and I went to wander around the lake shore, which was cool since I haven't ever seen Lake Superior before. We did a lot of walking, and I bought a Mother's Day present and some mini donuts (after we drove back to her apartment to get my wallet). Then we watched Clue and went to dinner at Blackwoods. The food was delicious (of course?), and it turns out that lemon juice is an adequate palate cleanser.

After Michael got back into town, we went out and had a fire on the beach. It was hard to get started because it was so windy, but when it took, it took off. We almost burned down this huge log, which would have been cool, but it would also have been dangerous. It was my favorite fire experience ever, probably. Then we all touched Superior for a "friendship moment." Kind of cheesey--no, really cheesey--but fun.

And then I left the next morning. The end.

The Food of Love

I'm tired of rock music. It no longer thrills me. So today on the drive to work I listened to classical. In case you didn't know it, Beethoven rules. Actually, he rulz. I mean RULZ. And so you know I'm not a total poseur ("I like classical because I like Beethoven, blah blah blah"), I'm planning on listening to Rimsky-Korsakov on the way home.

A note for those of you who want to buy me things for no reason: buy me some Debussy.

An observation made while listening to classical music: I find it ironic that the most beautiful music is made (for the most part) by Germans and Russians. And if you're sensitive to cultural stereotypes, translate "ironic" as "interesting."