Coconut Face

Hey everybody, check it out! It's the Duke of Coconuts!


I think he has something to say.

"I, the Duke of Coconuts, hereby declare today to be coconut day! Free coconuts for everyone!"

And look! He's got a monocle!

You're welcome.

There's Trouble A-Brewin'

NAIVE GENTLEMAN: Wow, look at those clouds.
GRIZZLED OLD DIRT-FARMER: Yep. There's trouble a-brewin'.
GENTLEMAN: Well, a storm's coming, if that's what you mean.
DIRT-FARMER: You stole the idol, didn't ya?
GENTLEMAN: What idol?
DIRT-FARMER: The idol in the temple. The one that appeases the storm gods. Where is it?
GENTLEMAN: I didn't take it. I don't even like idols.
DIRT-FARMER: Well it don't rain here unless the idol's outta place. Did you help somebody take it?
GENTLEMAN: Honestly, I just stopped here to use the restroom, and I really have no idea what you're talking about.
DIRT-FARMER: The ninja probably got it agin.
GENTLEMAN: Ninja?
DIRT-FARMER: Yep. There's a ninja lives 'round these parts. Pulls a lotta pranks like this.
GENTLEMAN: He's probably not a real ninja.
DIRT-FARMER: Careful, sonny. I know a couple too many people who ended up in mighty big trouble cuz they underestimated the ninja.
GENTLEMAN: I think I'll get going now. (Notices his car is gone) Hey, where's my car?
DIRT-FARMER: Ninja musta got it.
GENTLEMAN: Great. Now I have to walk to college.
DIRT-FARMER: College, huh?
(The gentlemen is suddenly struck with a dozen shuriken.)
DIRT-FARMER: What's a college degree good for if it don't even teach ya how to fight ninjas?
NINJA: (appears out of nowhere) Shut up, dad.
DIRT-FARMER: Boy! What'd I tell you about stealin' idols and killin' city folk!
NINJA: Don't do it.
DIRT-FARMER: Now you put that idol back right now or you ain't gettin' no taters for breakfast tomorrow!
NINJA: (slinks off in shame to return the idol to the temple)
DIRT-FARMER: If only you'da been a dirt farmer like you're old man. Who's gonna inherit the dirt farm when I pass on?
NINJA: Joe-Joe wants to be a dirt farmer like you, pa.
DIRT-FARMER: Joe-Joe's a gorilla, son.

Smooth Operator

Hello, friends. Glad you stopped by. Life's going pretty swell. And in case you didn't know, I'm a smooth operator. That's right. A smooth operator.

I can tell that you're curious. How does one become a smooth operator? Well, let me tell you.

Actually, let me not tell you. Because I have no idea. I just am one. But I can tell you that it has nothing to do with the song, which is surprisingly dirty.

Did you know that my digestive system produces soft-serve ice cream? That's just one of the benefits of being a smooth operator. Don't worry, it's just vanilla.

Smooth operators aren't very common. And most of the time they're hiding. There could be one behind that haystack over there. Or maybe there's one in the bushes outside your house right now.

See if you can identify the smooth operator in the following pictures:

1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.


Answers:
1-the guy in the green sweater vest
2-the bald guy on the left who isn't Churchill
3-Neptune, and possibly the guy pointing at him
4-TRICK QUESTION! Robots are not smooth operators! The people in that picture are not coarse operators, but they're not smooth either.
5-the camel
6-George Washington and Thomas Jefferson
7-The sun
8-The guy with the monocle and the grandfather clock

The Internet

Oh, I get it. You didn't go any of those places. There was no whale belly. There was no moon. There was no Mt. Kilimanjaro. There may or may not have been a swamp, but I'm a lot less willing to let that one go.

You were just in the Internet. I made you up. Or, maybe you made me up. If you're actually reading this, then you're probably real. I'm probably more real than you, though, because I'm not inside the Internet.

What? Of course I'm real. I'm the one who came up with this whole thing. I'm the one with the blog. I even ate lunch just a little bit ago, and only real people eat food. Seriously--I tried to fee my imaginary friend once, and it didn't work at all.

If you're so real, why don't you leave the Internet and go for a walk or something? Maybe you could go back to the swamp. Yeah, that shut you up. Bet you wish you could go to the swamp now, don't you, Mr. Internet-man.

I'm the best blogger ever.

The Belly of a Whale

First let me say that this is WAY better than the moon. A little humid, but humidity I can deal with. Plus, blowhole, which is always fun.

But before we get all gung-ho on the whale belly, I have to let you know that you, my friend, have been nothing but a jerk all day. I've been so kind and generous, I invited you down to the swamp, and we could have had a party, lived forever, and enjoyed the swampiness together until the sun melted. I'm not usually like that with everybody, but I was with you.

And then you have to run off to the tallest mountain in Africa, knowing full well that I'm too fat to climb mountains, without so much as a wave goodbye. Even if I was with you, you probably would have gone too fast for me to keep up. I bet you wouldn't even have taken a break if I wanted to get a Dr. Pepper. You probably don't even know how much I love Dr. Pepper. A lot, that's how much.

Thankfully I did catch up with you, but as soon as I try to feed the giraffes, you shoot up to the moon somehow. I could have dealt with the whole Kilamanjaro thing, but the moon took it too far. That made it obvious that you really don't like me. I can imagine the thought process: "Hmm...where can I go to get away from this butthole who keeps wanting me to go to his stupid swamp? I know, I'll go to the nearest place that can't possibly sustain human life! The moon!"

But now we're in the belly of a whale, which is pretty nice. Really, pal, good choice on this one. Sort of reminds me of the swamp, actually.

The Swamp

Welcome to...the swamp.


You've probably never been here before. I know you're busy, but that's not a good excuse. The swamp has been calling to you. You shouldn't just ignore the swamp when it calls.

One time the swamp called me at like 3 in the morning. I didn't answer because I was sleeping. Then it came over to my house, snuck in because I forgot to lock the door, and threw up all over my couch. Now I always answer when the swamp calls.

I know you're worried about getting eaten by the things that live in the swamp. That's OK, everybody who visits the swamp is worried about getting eaten. And well you should be. People who visit the swamp have only a 30% survival rate. The swamp keeps pretty good statistics on these sorts of things.

Have you ever seen the movie Swamp Thing or the animated show of the same name? That's pretty much exactly what the swamp is like, except for the large swamp-colored superhero. But if you stayed here in the swamp long enough, you too would become swamp-colored, though you probably would not become a superhero.

Also, you can never leave the swamp.

I Love Kobe Bryant

Kobe, remember when we first met that one time I was in L.A.? I said you were my hero, and you gave me a hug. It was like we were kindred spirits. We went to some fancy restaurant and talked for hours about the planets, and we both wished we could live on Jupiter. We knew we'd be best friends forever.

Kobe, remember when you gave me courtside tickets to one of your games? Jack Nicholson made fun of me, so you punched him in the face. The league tried to suspend you, but you told them that you were standing up for me, so they gave you a medal instead. And Jack doesn't bother me that much anymore.

Kobe, remember when we climbed the Rocky Mountains together? I didn't think I could do it, but you encouraged me, and it kept me going. And then when I broke my leg, you carried me to the top and named the mountain after me.


Kobe, remember when we stole Burt Reynold's boat? You drove it out to international waters, and it was there that you told me you could breathe underwater. I didn't believe you, so you jumped in and you never came back. I stayed in that boat for a week. Thankfully it had a TV, and I watched you play two basketball games. You beat Dallas and Washington by a combined total of 120 points.

Kobe, remember when we were playing hearts with Lisa Leslie and Candace Parker and you shot the moon? That was pretty great.

Kobe, remember when we tried to get in free to Disney Land? They said that you could afford to pay, but you kept saying that you had a deal with Walt. I'm pretty sure they thought you were crazy, and maybe you were, but it was really funny. Then we went back to your place and watched Notting Hill. That was one of the best days of my life.


Kobe, remember when my airplane was taken over my terrorists? You flew straight into the air with a basketball in your hand, and you rescued us. You showed those terrorists that America's greatest athletes don't take their crap lying down, and you turned them into sand with the powers of your mind. And when the pilots passed out, you teleported all of the passengers back to base.

Kobe, remember when the doctors told me I had six months to live? You said they were liars, and you were right. Now all those doctors are homeless.

Kobe, you're the greatest.

Dragon vs. Phoenix

People stop me on the street all the time and ask me, "Which do you think is better, a dragon or a phoenix?" This has happened literally a dozen times, and I'm getting tired of having to punch these people in their faces and running away as fast as I can. So it's time to settle the matter once and for all. And since I'm lazy, I'm doing it in the convenient point/comparison format.

DRAGON: Breathes fire.
PHOENIX: Made of fire.
Advantage: phoenix

DRAGON: Extinct.
PHOENIX: Presumably extinct, but could rise from the ashes at any time. Probably when you're not looking.
Advantage: phoenix

DRAGON: Can't fly because it's too fat.
PHOENIX: Has no feet.
Advantage: dragon

DRAGON: Comes in a wide variety of personalities, from happy-go-lucky and stupid (a la Dragon Tales) to malevolent and sleepy (a la a bunch of other stuff).
PHOENIX: Never says a word, but is probably a huge jerk.
Advantage: dragon

DRAGON: Lives in caves and dungeons.
PHOENIX: Homeless.
Advantage: dragon

DRAGON: Not Japanese. Or wait, maybe somewhat Japanese.
PHOENIX: More likely Japaenese.
Advantage: phoenix

DRAGON: .301 batting average for the whole species.
PHOENIX: Morally superior to baseball.
Advantage: dragon

DRAGON: No Nobel Prizes.
PHOENIX: Won Nobel Prize for Economics.
Advantage: dragon

Actually, next time somebody asks me this question, I'm gonna throw a pie in their face instead of punching them. Now I just need to figure out how I'm gonna carry a bunch of pies around with me.

Unicorns Are Real

We've all heard it before. It's not like I'm breaking new scientific ground or anything by saying unicorns are real. I just think it's worth reiterating.

Strange Bears, Part 4

(Part 3: Capybara)
(Part 2: Koalas)
(Part 1: Pandas)

Grasshoppers


OK, so now I'm definitely kidding about the bear thing.

Or maybe we're all bears.

Maybe everything's a bear.

Maybe your rommates or your spouse or your children are bears.

Maybe you're a bear but you don't know it.

Maybe you're not a bear, but everything else is a bear.

Or maybe there's no such thing as bears at all.



GAH!

Sandstone

If I had to choose my favorite variety of sedimentary rock, it'd be sandstone.
If I were to build statues of all of my friends, I would build them out of sandstone.
If I had to sleep outdoors in some desert canyon, I would carve a bed out of sandstone.
If I had to hide from some bloodthirsty animal out to eat me alive, I would hide behind sandstone.
If I had to pretend like I was a geologist of some kind with a special new discovery, I would pretend like I discovered sandstone.
If somebody tried to tell me that marble was better than sandstone, I would respectfully disagree.
If sandstone came to life and tried to break into my house and kidnap my children, I would not hesitate to shoot it or beat it to death with a baseball bat.

Roomful of Rabbits

There is nothing weirder that I can imagine at this moment than opening the door to your bedroom and finding your room packed to the ceiling with rabbits. As weird as you might think it would be to be trapped in that room with those rabbits, it would be weirder to open the door. Because if you were trapped in the room, you would probably have some idea where those rabbits came from. Also, you would not be able to breathe, which means you would be dead, which would not be very weird.

But imagine opening that door again and discovering your bedroom full of thousands upon thousands of rabbits. Maybe a few of them would tumble out of the room as you opened the door. Some of them would be alive and hop off into the inner sanctum of your home, while some would likely have suffocated or broken their spines, and their cute, furry bodies would lie with limbs akimbo at your feet. I bet you would have no idea how to react.

I'm sorry for including that part about the dead rabbits. I would have preferred to imagine a roomful of living rabbits to surprise and horrify you, but it's just a fact of life that when you fill a room with something, there isn't that much air, and if you fill it with things that need to breathe, they eventually won't be able to breathe like they should. You could leave a window open, but then I'm sure a lot of the rabbits would jump out. And maybe that would be the weirdest thing I can imagine right now: scores of bunny rabbits hopping out of your house through your bedroom window and into the wild bluish yonder.

Great Day

Hey guys! Today was just a great day. I mean all-around just great. On my list of favorite days ever throughout history, this one wouldn't break the top 20, but it'd probably be in the top 50. When you look at that statistically, that's a really great day. And it's only going to get better--I have a great dinner ahead of me!

Still, there are number of things that would have made this day a little bit more spectacular and extraordinary. So here's a list of what those things would be, and how this day would have ranked on my list of favorite days if that thing had happened.

: Timberwolves acquire Chris Paul, Amare Stoudamire, and Magic Johnson in his prime in a four-team trade across time in exchange for Christian Laettner and our first round draft-picks in 1990 and 1993. (#40)

: A herd of sheep let loose in my office, causing not havoc but something more along the lines of a ho-down. The event is so successful that my company becomes a ranching business and keeps me on as a full-time shepherd. (#36)

: Same as above, but with a temperature of 50-60 degrees. (#34)

: The sheep and the temperature again, plus I get tomorrow and Friday off. (#33)

: Africa gets its act together. (#32)

: Robots take over the bad part of society but live in peace and friendship with the good part, which includes me and most of the people I know. (#27)

: Same as above, but the robots are dressed as lobsters and/or a funk band. Can you imagine a robot lobster funk band? It'd be so rad! (#25)

: I meet Keanu Reeves. (#19)

: Same as above, but Keanu is wearing a lobster suit. (#14)

: I save the world from evil terrorists or something with Keanu wearing a lobster suit. (#11)

Glowing Cats

I don't know how else to introduce this, so I'll just say it. South Korea has cloned cats that glow in the dark.


Here you see the cats in the light, unassuming fuzzy white things, and then you see the cats in the dark, because they glow. It's photographic evidence that these cats glow in the dark.

Can you guys believe this?

And not only do these cats glow in the dark--which still amazes me--but they're also clones. Clearly something went wrong with science in South Korea to inspire not just cloning and not just glowing cats but CLONING GLOWING CATS.

And that's another thing--this happened in South Korea. That's supposed to be the reasonable one.

Lets take a look at those cats again.


This is insane. Absolutely insane.

Are they going to clone more? Cuz I want one.

All Y'all Whack Emcees

Here's a song I wrote while listening to a guy sing songs that I wished were all about whack emcees. It's called "All Y'all Whack Emcees (Don't Get It (But That's OK))."

All y'all whack emcees, listen up to what I have to say.
In the game of hip hop, there is only one way to play.
And there are also some other ways, and I can dig them too,
And then there's you, oh yeah, you play the whack way.
Hey there, whack emcees. You're whack.
Whack. Wiggity whack. Wiggity wiggity whack.
Y'all whack emcees don't get it, but that's OK.

Everybody keeps hating on you whack emcees, all right.
They're up there on stage hating on you every night.
And they're not whack, oh no, they're not whack at all.
But you are, apparently, oh yeah, oh yeah, whack emcees.
Wiggity wiggity whack.
Wiggity wiggity whack.
All y'all whack emcees don't get it, oh yeah.
Y'all don't get it, and I guess that's OK.

Oh, y'all whack emcees, you oughtta wise up some.
The other rappers be hating you because you're so dumb.
You need to be loved just like the rest of us,
So you shold probably stop being a whack emcee right now.
Oh, y'all whack emcees,
You're so whack, a-wiggity wiggity.
Y'all whack emcees,
You don't get it, and it's not OK anymore.

Hey now, let's slow it down.

One day you whack emcees gonna grow up,
Y'all gonna be daddies, gonna have babies,
And then it ain't gonna be such a great idea
To pour champagne all over those laides.
Gonna have to take care of your babies,
Gonna have to get a real job, ooooh ooooh!
Better let go of that mike and hold your baby,
Cuz rocking that mike won't feed your baby.
Holding that mike and not your baby,
Your baby's gonna be a whack emcee like you!

Dead Pigeon

As I walked up to work this morning, I almost stepped on a dead pigeon. It was fat and dirty with its feathers ruffled, and it had a really surprised look on its face. Clearly it did not see this coming.

Imagine the last few minutes of this pigeon's life. It's hopping along, feeling like it's invincible. Nothing's gonna bring this pigeon down, it thinks to itself. And he's all psyched to compete in the Pigeon Championships this weekend, where he's the experts' pick to win it all. Then BAM, heart attack. Or BAM: stroke. I mean, I guess we'll have to wait for the autopsy to know for certain.

Actually, I'm pretty sure he flew into a window. Some coworkers were talking about it yesterday, how a bird hit their window. He got up, a little dazed, so we didn't have much cause for alarm. Chances are he wasn't too worried either. I mean, I've ran into windows before, and it takes a few seconds to back on your feet, but you end up OK. Maybe it's different for pigeons because today, and probably yesterday too, he's dead.

I wrote this elegy for him.

How vain the dreams of pigeons be,
And how sudden doth they flee the grasp
As feathered bodies tumble down
From off the window's cunning glass.

We know not when the end shall come
And pigeons' treasured hopes shall cease,
If God above old age permits
Or cars deliver death on streets.

Alas, alas, my pigeon friend,
This life is not the perfect kind.
Until we meet at heaven's gate,
Your memory's in my heart and mind.

More on Groundhog Day, part 2

What if we elected a groundhog for president?

One of the following scenarios would likely occur:

1) Groundhog's administration accomplishes relatively little and is indifferently remembered in American history.

2) Incidents within administration reaches sitcom levels of hilarity, and President Groundhog is impeached for sexual harrassment.

3) Total nuclear holocaust.

4) Groundhog spearheads several important and innovative pieces of legislation, but a Congress controlled by the opposition party refuses to work with him.

5) Groundhog establishes a successful national health care system, requiring a significant tax hike which is thereafter referred to as the Groundhog Tax.

6) Groundhog is assassinated. Vice President Carrot Top is inaugurated and dissolves the union.

7) Puerto Rico becomes 51st state.

How to Talk to Your Kids

Welcome to Unspar's Guide to Talking to Your Children! This is meant to walk you through all those awkward conversations that parents hate to have. The Unspar Guide has been professionally tested, and only 15% of children end up with permanent brain damage, a much higher success rate than Gerber's Strained Carrots Guide.

Where do babies come from?
KID: Where do babies come from?
PARENT: Outer space.
KID: How do they get here?
PARENT: Torpedoes.
KID: What if the torpedoes miss?
PARENT: If I were you, I'd be more worried that they'd hit you while you're taking a crap.
KID: What does crap mean?
PARENT: It's a kind of baby.

What were you and mommy/daddy doing in bed last night that made so much noise?
KID: What were you and mommy doing in bed last night?
PARENT: What were you doing in bed last night?
KID: Nothing.
PARENT: Good.

Why is my penis pointy?
KID: Why--
PARENT: Good God, son, put on some pants!
KID: I can't.
PARENT: Well then get the hell out of here so I don't have to look at your boner.
KID: But why--
PARENT: run screaming from room

Can I have an allowance?
KID: Can I have an allowance?
PARENT: No.
KID: All the other kids have allowances.
PARENT: All the other kids are communists.
KID: What's a communist?
PARENT: Look here, junior, I bust my ass day in and day out for you, and I don't need your commie bulls*** raggin' me when I get home every night.
KID: cries
PARENT: Damn right.
KID: Mommy!
PARENT: Don't listen to him, honey. He's a communist.

The Dark History of Richfield

Don't ask me why, but I decided to do some "research" into the history of my hometown this morning, and I found some disturbing things. Richfield, Minnesota is not the pretty little town that you might have thought it was if you've ever heard of it before maybe.

When Richfield was first being settled in the mid-1800s, most of the settlers were immigrants*. However, some of those immigrants were ghosts! That's right. I don't mean that Richfield is haunted. From what I understand, these ghosts mostly kept to their own business and just farmed like everyone else. Also, they were Polish.

Richfield used to be much bigger than it is now, but a series of divisions and annexations brought it to its present size. In 1888, pirates who were kept in the county jail in west Richfield (as far west as present-day Highway 169*) broke out and staged a rebellion against the Richfield city government. They pirates waged war with the city for two years. When they reached peace, the pirates were allowed to break away and establish their own city. Richfield's western border was set at present-day Xerxes Ave, and the pirates named their city Edina*.

Richield's northern border used to extend far north enough to include both Lake Harriet and Lake Calhoun*. This border was later shortened when the Chinese annexed these parts of the city as part of their conquest of Tibet. They later sold those parts of the city to Minneapolis for a few million dollars and some nice T-shirts for Mao. Minneapolis renamed the street separating the two lakes "Richfield Road" in mockery of the once great city.

The Bartholomew House near Wood Lake, a registered National and Minnesota historic place*, was actually built in the late 1920s when then-mayor Bartholomew Joseph Anderson was kicked out of his house for cheating on his wife. He built the house mostly by himself, but he contracted polio before he could finish it. He enlisted some beavers to complete the construction. He died in 1931 of a combination of polio and beaver poisoning.

New Ford Town, a small part of Richfield annexed by the Chinese airport in the early 1990s*, was originally named after the first car in Richfield. The richest resident of early Richfield, and the only resident of New Ford Town, bought a new Ford truck for the long drives into the city. When the new truck arrived, he changed the name of his farm from Old Horse Town to New Ford Town.



NOTE: Starred sentences are true or contain some measure of truth.

The Giant Brain Timeline

THE TIMELINE OF GIANT BRAIN ACTIVITY

Prehistory - Giant floating brains rule and oppress ancient cavemen. Man rises up, overthrows the giant brains and banishes them to outer space. This legendary battle is detailed in many ancient cave paintings.

1000 B.C. - Giant brains make their first appearance on earth since their exile. They play a practical joke in Egypt, convincing the people that their gods were funny-looking monsters.

300s B.C. - Alexander the Great unearths the dried husk of a giant brain during his conquest of Asia Minor. He tries to wear the brain as a helmet and dies shortly afterward.

31 B.C. - Roman principate founded. Giant brain becomes first Roman Emperor.

476-1330 A.D. - Dark Ages. Giant brains completely withdraw from Earth and Earth-related events to backpack across galaxy. Human science eschews intelligent developments.

1503 A.D. - Giant brain refuses to paint Mona Lisa.

July 11, 1798 - Angry mob of giant brains storms the Bastille and burn it to the ground. Giant brains later deny involvement, claiming France does not exist.

October 8-10, 1871 - Fire in Chicago destroys much of the city. No giant brains are harmed.

August 1948 - Giant brains invade Australia and are repulsed. They retreat to Antarctica and establish a colony. Many giant brains freeze to death. President Truman calls brains "stupid."

October 1, 1957 - The Brain from Planet Arous, the first film about giant brains, opens to rave reviews. Brain segregation intensifies.

1989-2001 - Giant brains approach extinction as Baywatch premiers and grows in popularity.

2001-present - Giant brains protected as endangered species, populations mostly clustered in wildlife preserves in Kenya.