(Part 1: Pandas)
Capybara
I overheard some of you say that the capybara is "definitely not a bear." As a humble blogger, I can neither confirm nor deny that statement, so here are a scientist and a lawyer to discuss with you the validity of this creature's membership in the bear pantheon.
SCIENTIST: Many people believe that the capybara is the world's largest rodent.
LAWYER: But none of them have any evidence to back it up.
SCIENTIST: Quite true. Everyone of these people who I've spoken to have either made vague and inconclusive statements or failed to cite any credible sources.
LAWYER: Sorry, folks. Maybe you shouldn't have wasted all your time in community college.
SCIENTIST: You don't have to be so harsh.
LAWYER: It's tough love. I quip because I care.
SCIENTIST: Very well. So we are hear to offer a vast array of circumstantial evidence to testify to the fact that the capybara is actually a bear.
LAWYER: Circumstantial evidence is the most valid kind of evidence there is.
SCIENTIST: Really?
LAWYER: I'm a lawyer, aren't I?
SCIENTIST: OK. So exhibit A: the capybara is distinctly bear-shaped.
LAWYER: See the above photograph.
SCIENTIST: Exhibit B: the capybara tastes like bear.
LAWYER: Have you eaten a capybara? Or bear for that matter?
SCIENTIST: No. But I'm a nutritionist, so I know these things.
LAWYER: Good enough.
SCIENTIST: Exhibit C: the capybara's attack behaviors are exactly like those of the American grizzly bear.
LAWYER: Here's a picture of it sneaking up on somebody to claw his face off.
As you could probably guess, the guy didn't make it.
SCIENTIST: Mmhmm. Very bear-like.
LAWYER: So there you have it. Capybara equals bear.
SCIENTIST: It even almost says "bear" in its name!
LAWYER: Yeah, capy-bear-a.
SCIENTIST: Case dismissed. I mean, case closed.
LAWYER: Hey, I'm supposed to say that.
There you have it. Now maybe you'll know better than to question me when it comes to bear matters.
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