Honey

Hey, anybody remember the 19__ sequel to Honey, I Shrunk the Kids, Honey, I Blew Up the Kid? Someone reminded me of it last weekend, and I'm still really upset about how misleading that title is.

Seriously, how hard would it have been to call it, Honey, I Enlarged the Kid or, Honey, the Kid Got a Lot Bigger Somehow, and It's Probably My Fault? Did no one at Disney realize that title might be a problem, or did they really just think that "Blew Up" was probably the best they could do?

When the movie first came out, I remember being really excited about the explosion that was sure to take place. (I have no idea why I was excited about seeing an exploding child; it's probably just that explosions are cool.) This sequel was definitely be better, if only because of the promise that things would blow up.

Now that I know a little bit more about movies, though, I'm pretty sure one where Rick Moranis explodes his child would be VERY boring. The first 20 minutes establish some kind of emotional connection with the characters, then the kid explodes somehow, and the rest of the movie is just about grief interspersed with a few scenes of marriage counseling. And I'm pretty sure that movie sucked when it was called Titanic.

On a side note, Honey, I Shrunk the Kids was a misleading title as well. I think the kids shrunk themselves. Rick Moranis totally didn't need to take responsibility for that. Rather, it should have been called, Honey, Our Idiot Kids Shrunk Themselves, So Be Careful about Mowing the Lawn.

The Roman Empire

In the Roman forum, or something, where special Roman folks gather. Actually, there aren't many people gathered there. Just Caesar and some other Roman guy.

CAESAR: What say ye, faithful Tortus?
TORTUS: Well, the suggestion box has been up at the city gates for a week now. I gotta tell ya, Caesar, we got quite a few suggestions.
CAESAR: I trust that you screened them for me.
TORTUS: Pretty much. There were about 50-some that suggested we abolish slavery, so I threw those out.
CAESAR: Haha, the slaves are always good for a laugh.
TORTUS: Indeed!
CAESAR: Were there any other good suggestions?
TORTUS: I wouldn't call them good, per se. Interesting, perhaps.
CAESAR: Such as?
TORTUS: Someone suggested we change your title from "Caesar" to "Bubbles."
CAESAR: Bubbles?
TORTUS: Actually, it's "Bubbles the Dancing Cat," but I shortened it.
CAESAR: Hmm. What do you think about it, Tortus?
TORTUS: I...uh...while I'm not opposed to changing your glorious title, I don't think--
CAESAR: Silence!
TORTUS: (is silent)
CAESAR: Henceforth, we shall be known as Bubbles the Dancing Cat. Anything else?
TORTUS: Yes, there was another suggestion that I liked. It said, "Invent velcro."
CAESAR: What is velcro?
TORTUS: I don't know, but it sounds pretty good.
CAESAR: Very well. It is done.
TORTUS: Thank you, Caesar.
CAESAR: Tortus. Call me Bubbles.

Never Gonna Leave You

I think I just discovered why I can't quit blogging.

Don't get me wrong here, little fella, I wasn't thinking about it. You may have thought that I was done, quit-zo, out for good, that the last nail was in the coffin. But something in me just couldn't let this bag go.

Yet even though I couldn't quit, I couldn't keep going either. Where was my inspiration? Where was the joie d'blogging?

At last, I found it. Or more specifically, I found it almost a year ago but had since forgotten about it. Now, as I come across it once again, it pierces my soul and whispers, "Blog, damn you. Blog like you've never blogged before."

Crazy devil-eyed man set to the background of "Total Eclipse of the Heart" by Bonnie Tyler, you are my Mona Lisa, my muse, the song of my soul. You have flown into my heart and breathed new life into the part of it that loves to waste time on the Internet. I am forever grateful.

See everybody in July!

Taco Alliteration

I've recently observed that tacos taste much better with alliteration, a la "Taco Tuesday." In most cases alliteration is annoying, a la "Washington Wizards," but in the case of tacos, it greatly increases their deliciousness. So tonight I was pretty sure I'd eat some spaghetti and read a book, since it's Monday.

Thankfully, I'm hanging out with some friends tonight to watch a movie called, "Troll." What a perfectly alliterative partner for tacos! Whether we call it Taco Troll or Troll Tacos makes no difference to me. All I know is that they both begin with the letter T.

Here's a plot outline of the movie, adjusted to be more taco-centric.

Torok is an ancient troll, and he is using the body of Wendy Anne to disguise himself as a taco, in order to turn an apartment building into a taco bar. Wendy's newly-moved family is just settling in, and while her parents, who don't particularly like tacos, suspect nothing, her brother Harry notices an increase in Wendy's taco-cravings instantly. Using an emerald ring, Torok transforms the residents into piles of cheese and salsa to restore his old taco-flavored world in which he once lived in many years ago. We soon discover Torok is the ex-husband of Eunice St. Clair, a resident in the building who was married to Torok long ago before he became his taco-mad self.

Who wouldn't want to see this movie?

Parrots

Parrots: are they most annoying creature in existence? Do they actually have vocal cords? Are their beaks totally hollow or just partially hollow? Are the secretly scheming with the dog to steal your favorite shirt, run away and get a job down by the docks?

The answer to all those questions is, most definitely. And I realize the third question there is not a yes or no question, but I don't think it matters.


For years people have loved parrots for their obnoxiously loud noises, their ability to reproduce meaningless phrases, and their penchant to reveal condemning secrets at opportune moments thereby leading to solutions in otherwise unsolvable murder mysteries. And that's all great, but this parrot seriously looks like it's going to tear my head off. It's HUGE. There is no way that bird is shorter than seven feet tall.

And look at the eye. It looks like it just tasted human blood...and it wants more.