I've spent approximately the last 8 hours of my day (that's right; I've been at work since 5am) studying up on the legendary and mythical kings of Britain. I have no idea how I got started on this, but I'm about 76 kings into the list. Amazingly, only 12 of those have any shred of historical accuracy. Which, if we were to look at this from a statistical point of view, means only about 16% of this new knowledge is valid.
No joke.
Here's a few interesting things I've learned about British history that may or may not be true:
-Old King Cole, of nursery rhyme, "merry old soul" fame, is in fact a real person who ruled during Rome's occupation of Britain.
-King Arthur was not the first king of Britain, nor was he the second or third.
-While the British try to name a lot of their cities after dead fake-kings or dead people-who-fought-the-fake-kings, the names never seem to match.
-None of the "kings" had to slay dragons to earn or retain their crowns, but one had to fight a monster that emerged from the Irish Sea. He was killed. By the monster.
12.26.2007
12.24.2007
Working on Christmas Eve
As you might have gathered from the subject line, I am working today, and today is Christmas Eve. You might not have gathered that Christmas Eve is today from the subject line, and I considered changing the subject from "Working on Christmas Eve" to "Working Today, Christmas Eve," but I decided against it. I expect that to be the most weighty decision that I make today.
The thing about working on Christmas Eve is that there's nothing to do (or there better be--I swear, if I have to do any work today--but that's off the subject), which is different than any other day because it means that there's slightly less to do than usual. So, to make sure I fill the time, I'm coming up with a "plan of attack." And you have to read about it.
Or you would have had to read about it, but there's this French guy in the office for some reason, and his accent is incredibly distracting. Why is there a French guy in the office on Christmas Eve? Is that my Christmas present? If so, second-worst Christmas present ever.
The thing about working on Christmas Eve is that there's nothing to do (or there better be--I swear, if I have to do any work today--but that's off the subject), which is different than any other day because it means that there's slightly less to do than usual. So, to make sure I fill the time, I'm coming up with a "plan of attack." And you have to read about it.
Or you would have had to read about it, but there's this French guy in the office for some reason, and his accent is incredibly distracting. Why is there a French guy in the office on Christmas Eve? Is that my Christmas present? If so, second-worst Christmas present ever.
12.21.2007
All I Want for Christmas
Velvet pants.
If I don't get velvet pants for Christmas, somebody's going to pay. They're going to pay for some velvet pants and then give them to me.
I'm not going to buy my own velvet pants. That's embarrassing. I don't want to go into a store and pick out some velvet pants and have everybody think I'm a terrorist or something. I realize that anyone buying me velvet pants would find themselves in a similar situation, but that's not my problem. My problem is my current lack of velvet pants.
I'm only sort of kidding.
If I don't get velvet pants for Christmas, somebody's going to pay. They're going to pay for some velvet pants and then give them to me.
I'm not going to buy my own velvet pants. That's embarrassing. I don't want to go into a store and pick out some velvet pants and have everybody think I'm a terrorist or something. I realize that anyone buying me velvet pants would find themselves in a similar situation, but that's not my problem. My problem is my current lack of velvet pants.
I'm only sort of kidding.
12.20.2007
The Rise & Fall of Corporate America
A Timeline of Events in the History and Future of Coporate America
AD 850 - The continents of North and South America separate from Africa, establishing their own independent (and significantly more prosperous) economy.
AD 1000 - As part of the pagan millenial celebration, Native Americans establish the New York Stock Exchange.
AD 1251 - America's first corporation, Viacom, goes public. American investors still sink all their money in buffalo futures.
AD 1492 - Christopher Columbus discovers America and shortly afterward enslaves the entire American workforce, thus establishing the first modern American corporation.
AD early 1600s - British establish colonies in America, but refuse to invest in American business. Buffalo futures plummet.
AD 1773 - Colonial American entrepreneurs establish a business relationship with the Motherland for tea. Outraged, a local band of communists throws the tea into the ocean.
AD 1850s - Buffalo nearly extinct. Buffalo futures crash and most Native American investors go bankrupt. Those who survive with some money invest in Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots.
AD 1863 - Slaves freed. CEOs, now forced to pay for their labor, grow large mustaches because they can no longer afford to shave.
AD 1890s - First union established; CEOs shave their mustaches out of defiance.
AD 1920s - Corporations boom for some reason. President Calvin Coolidge hailed as superhero and, among the Eastern European immigrants, supreme overlord.
AD 1929 - Stock market crashes. Everyone goes insane. Office buildings inexplicably burst into flames. Geese fly upside-down. For a period of two weeks, this baby rules the free world:
AD 1990s - A new kind of corporation is born. Slavery made legal again.
AD 2007 - I work for a corporation.
AD 2009 - Giant pandas imported from China for cheap labor. 50% of humans are unemployed.
AD 2010 - Giant pandas, able to reproduce with greater efficiency now that they have job security, turn on humans and take over society.
AD 2012 - First giant panda elected president. Remaining humans cower in fear in caves.
AD 2015 - Giant pandas, drunk on their bloated sense of power, repeal the Clean Air Act. Global warming spins wildly out of control.
AD 2020 - World temperature rises to an average of 135 degrees. United States burns down. Giant pandas decide to stick it out.
AD 2075 - Last giant panda dies of old age. American economy collapses.
AD 850 - The continents of North and South America separate from Africa, establishing their own independent (and significantly more prosperous) economy.
AD 1000 - As part of the pagan millenial celebration, Native Americans establish the New York Stock Exchange.
AD 1251 - America's first corporation, Viacom, goes public. American investors still sink all their money in buffalo futures.
AD 1492 - Christopher Columbus discovers America and shortly afterward enslaves the entire American workforce, thus establishing the first modern American corporation.
AD early 1600s - British establish colonies in America, but refuse to invest in American business. Buffalo futures plummet.
AD 1773 - Colonial American entrepreneurs establish a business relationship with the Motherland for tea. Outraged, a local band of communists throws the tea into the ocean.
AD 1850s - Buffalo nearly extinct. Buffalo futures crash and most Native American investors go bankrupt. Those who survive with some money invest in Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots.
AD 1863 - Slaves freed. CEOs, now forced to pay for their labor, grow large mustaches because they can no longer afford to shave.
AD 1890s - First union established; CEOs shave their mustaches out of defiance.
AD 1920s - Corporations boom for some reason. President Calvin Coolidge hailed as superhero and, among the Eastern European immigrants, supreme overlord.
AD 1929 - Stock market crashes. Everyone goes insane. Office buildings inexplicably burst into flames. Geese fly upside-down. For a period of two weeks, this baby rules the free world:
AD 1990s - A new kind of corporation is born. Slavery made legal again.
AD 2007 - I work for a corporation.
AD 2009 - Giant pandas imported from China for cheap labor. 50% of humans are unemployed.
AD 2010 - Giant pandas, able to reproduce with greater efficiency now that they have job security, turn on humans and take over society.
AD 2012 - First giant panda elected president. Remaining humans cower in fear in caves.
AD 2015 - Giant pandas, drunk on their bloated sense of power, repeal the Clean Air Act. Global warming spins wildly out of control.
AD 2020 - World temperature rises to an average of 135 degrees. United States burns down. Giant pandas decide to stick it out.
AD 2075 - Last giant panda dies of old age. American economy collapses.
12.19.2007
The Perfect Gift
POST-IT NOTES!!!!!
I was going to talk a little bit about how excited I was to get a bag full of post-it notes last night (and I was really excited), but I'll let the post-it notes speak for themselves.
That Yeti is such a jerk. I'm not going to pay him anything.
I was going to talk a little bit about how excited I was to get a bag full of post-it notes last night (and I was really excited), but I'll let the post-it notes speak for themselves.
That Yeti is such a jerk. I'm not going to pay him anything.
12.18.2007
Christmas Meets Time Travel Meets Unusually Extreme Anxiety
Does anyone else feel like Christmas is coming a week too early this year? Maybe it's just me. Maybe I was the only one who went to sleep on November 30th and woke up on December 10th. How come this never happens to anyone else?
Normally I wouldn't complain about sleeping through a week and a half or getting my ass kicked into next week (as the junior highers like to do), but I desperately needed those days to shop. Or at the very least, I desperately needed them to come up with ideas of stuff to get for my family and friends. But as it stands, I have no ideas, almost no gifts, and a lot of frantic questions (most of them are just variations of "What am I going to do?").
This week isn't even Christmas and I already have problems. Tonight I have to get an ornament for somebody. Sounds easy, right?? Well, it probably is, but I am just about freaking out about it. And then in two days--TWO DAYS--I have to get a present for another person. What is this? Kwanza?
Actually, all this complaining is just because I hate the cold and don't want to get out of my car and walk to a store. I hate the cold SO MUCH!!
Normally I wouldn't complain about sleeping through a week and a half or getting my ass kicked into next week (as the junior highers like to do), but I desperately needed those days to shop. Or at the very least, I desperately needed them to come up with ideas of stuff to get for my family and friends. But as it stands, I have no ideas, almost no gifts, and a lot of frantic questions (most of them are just variations of "What am I going to do?").
This week isn't even Christmas and I already have problems. Tonight I have to get an ornament for somebody. Sounds easy, right?? Well, it probably is, but I am just about freaking out about it. And then in two days--TWO DAYS--I have to get a present for another person. What is this? Kwanza?
Actually, all this complaining is just because I hate the cold and don't want to get out of my car and walk to a store. I hate the cold SO MUCH!!
12.14.2007
Homegrown Tundra
We recently got last month's heating bill for our house, so now we can't afford to heat our house ever again. This morning our thermostat read 59. And it's only going down from there.
Normally I'd be pretty unhappy about this, what with feeling like my blood is freezing, but I'm going to spin this one to the positive. I figure, why resist the frozen floors and the inexplicably accumulating snow? Let's turn this place into a winter fun-place-to-be!
Here's what I envision: a bunch of penguins and a walrus. I toyed with the idea of a beluga whale and a polar bear, but I don't think we could handle that. Before And I'm pretty sure we'll eventually have to kill the walrus and live inside its blubber to keep warm.
This is what it would look like in real life:
(Big props to Christine and her mad MS Paint skillz for coming up with this picture.)
Normally I'd be pretty unhappy about this, what with feeling like my blood is freezing, but I'm going to spin this one to the positive. I figure, why resist the frozen floors and the inexplicably accumulating snow? Let's turn this place into a winter fun-place-to-be!
Here's what I envision: a bunch of penguins and a walrus. I toyed with the idea of a beluga whale and a polar bear, but I don't think we could handle that. Before And I'm pretty sure we'll eventually have to kill the walrus and live inside its blubber to keep warm.
This is what it would look like in real life:
(Big props to Christine and her mad MS Paint skillz for coming up with this picture.)
12.13.2007
Glowing Cats
I don't know how else to introduce this, so I'll just say it. South Korea has cloned cats that glow in the dark.
Here you see the cats in the light, unassuming fuzzy white things, and then you see the cats in the dark, because they glow. It's photographic evidence that these cats glow in the dark.
Can you guys believe this?
And not only do these cats glow in the dark--which still amazes me--but they're also clones. Clearly something went wrong with science in South Korea to inspire not just cloning and not just glowing cats but CLONING GLOWING CATS.
And that's another thing--this happened in South Korea. That's supposed to be the reasonable one.
Lets take a look at those cats again.
This is insane. Absolutely insane.
Are they going to clone more? Cuz I want one.
Here you see the cats in the light, unassuming fuzzy white things, and then you see the cats in the dark, because they glow. It's photographic evidence that these cats glow in the dark.
Can you guys believe this?
And not only do these cats glow in the dark--which still amazes me--but they're also clones. Clearly something went wrong with science in South Korea to inspire not just cloning and not just glowing cats but CLONING GLOWING CATS.
And that's another thing--this happened in South Korea. That's supposed to be the reasonable one.
Lets take a look at those cats again.
This is insane. Absolutely insane.
Are they going to clone more? Cuz I want one.
12.12.2007
Glitter is Everywhere
I don't mean to be a negative Nancy, but I hate glitter. A lot. There is nothing fun about glitter at all. I also hate fireworks, and that's sort of related because fireworks look sort of like glitter, but it ends up being a different story all together.
Today, I got a "gift" from my coworkers here at the local dog factory. This gift, while not literally a box full of glitter, was figuratively a box full of glitter. I open it up, and suddenly there's glitter all over my desk, my hands, and my parents. I even think some of it traveled back in time and got all over some farmer who was standing in the spot where my desk would eventually be.
Normally this would be the kind of disaster that would cause me to burn the building down. But I'm trying to control my arson urges, so instead I drew pictures of penguins and lemurs for a half hour and burned those down.
Did I tell you I worked in a dog factory?
Today, I got a "gift" from my coworkers here at the local dog factory. This gift, while not literally a box full of glitter, was figuratively a box full of glitter. I open it up, and suddenly there's glitter all over my desk, my hands, and my parents. I even think some of it traveled back in time and got all over some farmer who was standing in the spot where my desk would eventually be.
Normally this would be the kind of disaster that would cause me to burn the building down. But I'm trying to control my arson urges, so instead I drew pictures of penguins and lemurs for a half hour and burned those down.
Did I tell you I worked in a dog factory?
12.11.2007
Gorillas vs. Bears
Gorillas win. Bears have a lot going for them, but not nearly enough when compared to gorillas. Let's examine this more closely.
Hairiness
Advantage: Gorillas
While the hairs of bears look pretty nice most of the time, they get really ugly when they get wet. And nothing beats a silverback gorilla. I once saw a bear who painted his back silver, but then he got beat up by a couple otters.
Intellectual Capacity
Advantage: Gorillas
Not that I have any respect for gorillas who learn sign language, and if I went to middle school with them, I'd be more likely to pick on them than on any bears, whether they wore glasses or not. But the fact remains that bears would rather eat people than have an intelligent discussion, and that's not cool enough of the time to make it worthwhile.
Sounds
Advantage: Bears
Bear roar beats gorilla grunt. Bear roar even beats gorilla pounding on its chest ferociously. And this one time I saw a bear do impressions, and his Val Kilmer was hilarious.
Dance contest
Advantage: Gorillas
Bears have a difficult time with multidirectional coordination. They could pull off some OK moves, but nothing too impressive. The gorillas just blew them away--spins, back flips, breaks. The gorillas not only were a lot more fluid, but they had excellent rhythm. Bears must be the white people of the animal kingdom.
Christmas
Advantage: Bears
There are no gorillas in Christmas commercials, but there are tons of bears. A number of Christmas movies are about bears, I think, but there are not about gorillas. And even though giving a gorilla as a Christmas present may be safer, all the kids want bears.
Aviation
Advantage: Gorillas
Neither animal makes for a really succesful pilot, which is probably why the directors of Top Gun used human actors to replace the bears in the original screenplay. But just to be sure, we gave some gorillas and bears a few test runs, and the gorillas were the only ones who didn't crash into cruise ships or oil tankers.
Hairiness
Advantage: Gorillas
While the hairs of bears look pretty nice most of the time, they get really ugly when they get wet. And nothing beats a silverback gorilla. I once saw a bear who painted his back silver, but then he got beat up by a couple otters.
Intellectual Capacity
Advantage: Gorillas
Not that I have any respect for gorillas who learn sign language, and if I went to middle school with them, I'd be more likely to pick on them than on any bears, whether they wore glasses or not. But the fact remains that bears would rather eat people than have an intelligent discussion, and that's not cool enough of the time to make it worthwhile.
Sounds
Advantage: Bears
Bear roar beats gorilla grunt. Bear roar even beats gorilla pounding on its chest ferociously. And this one time I saw a bear do impressions, and his Val Kilmer was hilarious.
Dance contest
Advantage: Gorillas
Bears have a difficult time with multidirectional coordination. They could pull off some OK moves, but nothing too impressive. The gorillas just blew them away--spins, back flips, breaks. The gorillas not only were a lot more fluid, but they had excellent rhythm. Bears must be the white people of the animal kingdom.
Christmas
Advantage: Bears
There are no gorillas in Christmas commercials, but there are tons of bears. A number of Christmas movies are about bears, I think, but there are not about gorillas. And even though giving a gorilla as a Christmas present may be safer, all the kids want bears.
Aviation
Advantage: Gorillas
Neither animal makes for a really succesful pilot, which is probably why the directors of Top Gun used human actors to replace the bears in the original screenplay. But just to be sure, we gave some gorillas and bears a few test runs, and the gorillas were the only ones who didn't crash into cruise ships or oil tankers.
Talking Carrot
CARROT: Hey!
BEN: Where'd you come from?
CARROT: The ground!!!
BEN: Do you need to yell everything?
CARROT: Yes! I'm hardcore!!!
BEN: You're a carrot.
CARROT: True!
BEN: So what are you doing here?
CARROT: I'm here to destroy you!!
BEN: Oh no! Carrots are my only weakness!
CARROT: I know!!!
BEN: I never thought it would end like this.
CARROT: Too bad!!!
BEN: Wait!
CARROT: What?!?!
BEN: Can I have one final request?
CARROT: No!!!
BEN: Then just you wait.
CARROT: Wait, who's that over there?
BEN: Oh that? That's my buddy Thor.
CARROT: Like the Norse God?!?!
BEN: He is the Norse God.
THOR: Hiya.
CARROT: No! Thor is my only weakness!!!
BEN: I know.
(Thor smashes carrot with his hammer)
BEN: Good work, Thor.
THOR: Got any more carrots for me to smash?
BEN: Not right now.
THOR: OK. I'll be inside the walls if you need me.
BEN: Righty-o.
BEN: Where'd you come from?
CARROT: The ground!!!
BEN: Do you need to yell everything?
CARROT: Yes! I'm hardcore!!!
BEN: You're a carrot.
CARROT: True!
BEN: So what are you doing here?
CARROT: I'm here to destroy you!!
BEN: Oh no! Carrots are my only weakness!
CARROT: I know!!!
BEN: I never thought it would end like this.
CARROT: Too bad!!!
BEN: Wait!
CARROT: What?!?!
BEN: Can I have one final request?
CARROT: No!!!
BEN: Then just you wait.
CARROT: Wait, who's that over there?
BEN: Oh that? That's my buddy Thor.
CARROT: Like the Norse God?!?!
BEN: He is the Norse God.
THOR: Hiya.
CARROT: No! Thor is my only weakness!!!
BEN: I know.
(Thor smashes carrot with his hammer)
BEN: Good work, Thor.
THOR: Got any more carrots for me to smash?
BEN: Not right now.
THOR: OK. I'll be inside the walls if you need me.
BEN: Righty-o.
12.10.2007
All-American Christmas
Yesterday, while my roommates and I (mostly my roommates) tackled a monstrosity of dishes, we listened to a few Christmas tunes on the local radio station. Most of them sounded like late-80s/early-90s pop/R&B, the kind that makes you want to rip out your soul, so I wasn't especially enjoying myself.
One of those songs, though, had the weirdest lyric I'd ever heard: "I love Christmas and you and America." I can't confirm that this is actually what they said in the song, but it was close enough.
The weirdest part, though, was that it sounded like he was listing the things he liked in ascending order. Like he loves Christmas a little, he loves you a little bit more, and he loves America more than anything. He got really excited at the America part. Who can blame him for loving his country? I mean, it is a Christmas song, and isn't that was Christmas is really about?
No.
One of those songs, though, had the weirdest lyric I'd ever heard: "I love Christmas and you and America." I can't confirm that this is actually what they said in the song, but it was close enough.
The weirdest part, though, was that it sounded like he was listing the things he liked in ascending order. Like he loves Christmas a little, he loves you a little bit more, and he loves America more than anything. He got really excited at the America part. Who can blame him for loving his country? I mean, it is a Christmas song, and isn't that was Christmas is really about?
No.
12.07.2007
No Sleep 'til Ever Again
I used to love sleep. I would look forward to every nap opportunity. I would sleep past 10 as often as possible. I would yawn and whine about being tired most hours of the day. Sleeping was one of my favorite things to do.
Those days have passed. Now I can't afford to sleep. I'm too busy. I need that sleeping time to...read. Or watch TV. Wow, that's a lot more pathetic than I expected it to sound. But really, it's not like I'd spend all that extra time learning to be an architect or something. Wouldn't that be weird anyway, to be an architect by night? I mean, I'm weird, by not night-architecting weird.
There are some things that might change my mind about sleep. For instance, if sleep made amputated limbs grow back, then I would be all for it. But here I am, sleeping every day, and every morning I wake up without my left arm. Actually, that just happened this morning, and I have no idea how that happened.
I just did the math--I've spent 8 years of my life sleeping. Do you what I could have done with those 8 years? Neither do I, but I'm sure it would have been awesome! Eight whole years! Man, that sucks! And now I don't have an arm!
Those days have passed. Now I can't afford to sleep. I'm too busy. I need that sleeping time to...read. Or watch TV. Wow, that's a lot more pathetic than I expected it to sound. But really, it's not like I'd spend all that extra time learning to be an architect or something. Wouldn't that be weird anyway, to be an architect by night? I mean, I'm weird, by not night-architecting weird.
There are some things that might change my mind about sleep. For instance, if sleep made amputated limbs grow back, then I would be all for it. But here I am, sleeping every day, and every morning I wake up without my left arm. Actually, that just happened this morning, and I have no idea how that happened.
I just did the math--I've spent 8 years of my life sleeping. Do you what I could have done with those 8 years? Neither do I, but I'm sure it would have been awesome! Eight whole years! Man, that sucks! And now I don't have an arm!
12.06.2007
Dead Mouse
Our house has been infested with mice for I don't know how long. Probably since before we moved in. I think they had some mutually benefical arrangement with the past tenants. Not so with us. Even though we haven't been able to do anything about it.
The mouse trap (the only mouse trap) that we've had out for the past two months has produced no results whatsoever. It seemed like the mice were outsmarting us, like they knew we were trying to get them and they knew exactly how to avoid it. It actually makes me respect them a little bit.
Just last night I was going off about that stupid mouse trap. I woke up this morning, walked innocently into the kitchen, made my lunch, and on my way out, I noticed a dead mouse in the middle of my kitchen floor. How I missed it when I walked in or crossed the floor several times, I don't know. But it was there. Dead. Little blood stains and turds around him. This mouse went out with a bang.
What killed him? Corey and I discussed it, and we have our theories. Most likely it was a symbolic killing done by the Colfax Mouse Mafia. At first I thought this was some gallant surrender move, the mouse surrendering to us in his last breath, but that's too simple. You see, most mice would die within the walls, but this job was done to show us roommates that this is just the beginning. The next time it'll be one of us.
The mouse trap (the only mouse trap) that we've had out for the past two months has produced no results whatsoever. It seemed like the mice were outsmarting us, like they knew we were trying to get them and they knew exactly how to avoid it. It actually makes me respect them a little bit.
Just last night I was going off about that stupid mouse trap. I woke up this morning, walked innocently into the kitchen, made my lunch, and on my way out, I noticed a dead mouse in the middle of my kitchen floor. How I missed it when I walked in or crossed the floor several times, I don't know. But it was there. Dead. Little blood stains and turds around him. This mouse went out with a bang.
What killed him? Corey and I discussed it, and we have our theories. Most likely it was a symbolic killing done by the Colfax Mouse Mafia. At first I thought this was some gallant surrender move, the mouse surrendering to us in his last breath, but that's too simple. You see, most mice would die within the walls, but this job was done to show us roommates that this is just the beginning. The next time it'll be one of us.
12.05.2007
Winter: Uncensored
A conversation with Old Man Winter.
BEN: Is this some kind of joke?
WINTER: What?
BEN: Don't play dumb with me!
WINTER: What did you say?
BEN: I said you're a jerk!
WINTER: What?
BEN: You're a jerk!!
WINTER: What was that?
BEN: Are you deaf?
WINTER: What?
BEN: Are you deaf?
WINTER: What?
BEN: Oh, you are deaf.
WINTER: Did you say something?
BEN: Wow. I had no idea. I'm sorry.
WINTER: What?
BEN: It's not like that's an excuse though.
WINTER: Huh?
BEN: You still shouldn't go around ruining everybody's life.
WINTER: What?
BEN: How about I kick you in the shins in Morse Code?
WINTER: What are you talking about?
BEN: Oh, right. I don't know Morse Code.
WINTER: Where's my ear horn?
BEN: What's an ear horn?
WINTER: What?
BEN: This interview is over.
WINTER: What?
BEN: Is this some kind of joke?
WINTER: What?
BEN: Don't play dumb with me!
WINTER: What did you say?
BEN: I said you're a jerk!
WINTER: What?
BEN: You're a jerk!!
WINTER: What was that?
BEN: Are you deaf?
WINTER: What?
BEN: Are you deaf?
WINTER: What?
BEN: Oh, you are deaf.
WINTER: Did you say something?
BEN: Wow. I had no idea. I'm sorry.
WINTER: What?
BEN: It's not like that's an excuse though.
WINTER: Huh?
BEN: You still shouldn't go around ruining everybody's life.
WINTER: What?
BEN: How about I kick you in the shins in Morse Code?
WINTER: What are you talking about?
BEN: Oh, right. I don't know Morse Code.
WINTER: Where's my ear horn?
BEN: What's an ear horn?
WINTER: What?
BEN: This interview is over.
WINTER: What?
12.04.2007
The Cost of Convenience
I work on the second floor at my building, and thankfully, there's a parking lot right outside my entrance. I love having a parking lot so close by because it means I get leave faster and waste less time in the elevators. The only thing that would make sure I got out of here faster is if my driver's door worked.
So today I parked on the second floor lot as per usual, and just now I noticed that my car is completely covered with snow, along with the rest of the surface of the earth. Now I'll have to spend a bunch of time brushing the snow off my car instead of driving home like a movie star.
You know what I wish? I wish that the snow on my car was actually a polar bear-skin rug. That way I'd look really badass with a snarling polar bear face above my windshield and clawed hands defending my doors. And maybe he'd come to life and we'd have crazy Artic adventures! And I wouldn't have to brush any stupid snow.
So today I parked on the second floor lot as per usual, and just now I noticed that my car is completely covered with snow, along with the rest of the surface of the earth. Now I'll have to spend a bunch of time brushing the snow off my car instead of driving home like a movie star.
You know what I wish? I wish that the snow on my car was actually a polar bear-skin rug. That way I'd look really badass with a snarling polar bear face above my windshield and clawed hands defending my doors. And maybe he'd come to life and we'd have crazy Artic adventures! And I wouldn't have to brush any stupid snow.
Hoop Dreams
Most of you don't know this about me, but it's been my dream since childhood to be the NBA MVP. Year after year I get denied, and it's starting to get discouraging. But people keep saying that LeBron James still hasn't hit his prime, and he's only 22. So maybe since I'm two years older than him, I'm just hitting my prime. That's right, this is gonna be my year.
Some of the more sensible among you might tell me that my chances are slim because I'm not actually in the NBA. And then there may be some of you who have played basketball with me before who would point out that I'm in no way competitive at level of the game, due to my poor endurance, sub-.100 shooting percentage, and atrocious ball-handling skills. But if I let that stuff get to me, I'd never have a chance.
The thing that sets me apart from the rest of this year's MVP candidates is my winning attitude. But in case they have a winning attitude too, I have a better Plan B. While Steve Nash, Dirk Nowitzki, and LeBron might rely on their skills and team-first style of play, they won't see me coming when I kidnap them and chain them in my sub-basement. And I'm willing to imprison as many NBA stars as I have to, even if me and Mark Madsen are the only people left in the whole league.
The trophy is as good as mine. Maybe I'll make my first all-star team too.
Some of the more sensible among you might tell me that my chances are slim because I'm not actually in the NBA. And then there may be some of you who have played basketball with me before who would point out that I'm in no way competitive at level of the game, due to my poor endurance, sub-.100 shooting percentage, and atrocious ball-handling skills. But if I let that stuff get to me, I'd never have a chance.
The thing that sets me apart from the rest of this year's MVP candidates is my winning attitude. But in case they have a winning attitude too, I have a better Plan B. While Steve Nash, Dirk Nowitzki, and LeBron might rely on their skills and team-first style of play, they won't see me coming when I kidnap them and chain them in my sub-basement. And I'm willing to imprison as many NBA stars as I have to, even if me and Mark Madsen are the only people left in the whole league.
The trophy is as good as mine. Maybe I'll make my first all-star team too.
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