Gorillas vs. Bears

Gorillas win. Bears have a lot going for them, but not nearly enough when compared to gorillas. Let's examine this more closely.

Hairiness
Advantage: Gorillas
While the hairs of bears look pretty nice most of the time, they get really ugly when they get wet. And nothing beats a silverback gorilla. I once saw a bear who painted his back silver, but then he got beat up by a couple otters.

Intellectual Capacity
Advantage: Gorillas
Not that I have any respect for gorillas who learn sign language, and if I went to middle school with them, I'd be more likely to pick on them than on any bears, whether they wore glasses or not. But the fact remains that bears would rather eat people than have an intelligent discussion, and that's not cool enough of the time to make it worthwhile.

Sounds
Advantage: Bears
Bear roar beats gorilla grunt. Bear roar even beats gorilla pounding on its chest ferociously. And this one time I saw a bear do impressions, and his Val Kilmer was hilarious.

Dance contest
Advantage: Gorillas
Bears have a difficult time with multidirectional coordination. They could pull off some OK moves, but nothing too impressive. The gorillas just blew them away--spins, back flips, breaks. The gorillas not only were a lot more fluid, but they had excellent rhythm. Bears must be the white people of the animal kingdom.

Christmas
Advantage: Bears
There are no gorillas in Christmas commercials, but there are tons of bears. A number of Christmas movies are about bears, I think, but there are not about gorillas. And even though giving a gorilla as a Christmas present may be safer, all the kids want bears.

Aviation
Advantage: Gorillas
Neither animal makes for a really succesful pilot, which is probably why the directors of Top Gun used human actors to replace the bears in the original screenplay. But just to be sure, we gave some gorillas and bears a few test runs, and the gorillas were the only ones who didn't crash into cruise ships or oil tankers.