AD 850 - The continents of North and South America separate from Africa, establishing their own independent (and significantly more prosperous) economy.
AD 1000 - As part of the pagan millenial celebration, Native Americans establish the New York Stock Exchange.
AD 1251 - America's first corporation, Viacom, goes public. American investors still sink all their money in buffalo futures.
AD 1492 - Christopher Columbus discovers America and shortly afterward enslaves the entire American workforce, thus establishing the first modern American corporation.
AD early 1600s - British establish colonies in America, but refuse to invest in American business. Buffalo futures plummet.
AD 1773 - Colonial American entrepreneurs establish a business relationship with the Motherland for tea. Outraged, a local band of communists throws the tea into the ocean.
AD 1850s - Buffalo nearly extinct. Buffalo futures crash and most Native American investors go bankrupt. Those who survive with some money invest in Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots.
AD 1863 - Slaves freed. CEOs, now forced to pay for their labor, grow large mustaches because they can no longer afford to shave.
AD 1890s - First union established; CEOs shave their mustaches out of defiance.
AD 1920s - Corporations boom for some reason. President Calvin Coolidge hailed as superhero and, among the Eastern European immigrants, supreme overlord.
AD 1929 - Stock market crashes. Everyone goes insane. Office buildings inexplicably burst into flames. Geese fly upside-down. For a period of two weeks, this baby rules the free world:
AD 1990s - A new kind of corporation is born. Slavery made legal again.
AD 2007 - I work for a corporation.
AD 2009 - Giant pandas imported from China for cheap labor. 50% of humans are unemployed.
AD 2010 - Giant pandas, able to reproduce with greater efficiency now that they have job security, turn on humans and take over society.
AD 2012 - First giant panda elected president. Remaining humans cower in fear in caves.
AD 2015 - Giant pandas, drunk on their bloated sense of power, repeal the Clean Air Act. Global warming spins wildly out of control.
AD 2020 - World temperature rises to an average of 135 degrees. United States burns down. Giant pandas decide to stick it out.
AD 2075 - Last giant panda dies of old age. American economy collapses.
3 comments:
Now that I'm all caught up on my AD history I can't wait until the movie 10,000 BC teaches me about BC history.
This just confirms my belief that we should never have given up on investing in the buffalo. Once we gave up on that, the world went to hell in a handbasket.
that is the most terrifying baby in the world. I'm glad it's no longer in power, with even a fair chance of being dead already.
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