Since I've already done two Earth Day posts, why not another, right? This time we'll celebrate Earth Day by comparing Earth to Facebook. Let's see what they have in common....
Everyone on Facebook and everyone on Earth are lame. The people on Facebook and the people on Earth are basically just giving in to peer pressure by being there. In contrast, the people who are not Facebook and the people who live in outer space are cool.
People waste a good chunk of their day on Facebook. People also waste a good chunk of their day on the Earth. The productive activity that takes place on both is relatively negligible.
Communicating with your friends through Facebook is not a very good substitute for face-to-face interaction. Similarly, communicating with your friends through the Earth will make for a stunted relationship, as sound does not travel well through the Earth's crust.
Approximately 10% of the world's population is on Facebook. Approximately 10% of the world's population also lives on Earth.
Nobody who's on Facebook actually likes Facebook, just like nobody who lives on Earth genuinely likes the Earth. In spite of everyone's dislike, no one would ever do anything to leave Facebook or Earth. Cuz...what else is there?
Showing posts with label Listful. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Listful. Show all posts
4.20.2011
4.19.2011
Earth: The Facts
In view of the impending Earth Day, I thought I'd fill you in on some interesting facts about this place we call Earth. Most of these are things you probably already know because I don't want to cause any heart attacks from overly-unexpected trivia. Also, if we don't review what we've already learned, it will cease to be true.
-The Earth is round. However, it is not perfectly round. It is also bumpy.
-Other planets that are not the Earth include Jupiter, Saturn or Neptune.
-As far as we know, the Earth has never collided with the sun.
-The Earth is filled with goo.
-The surface of the Earth usually keeps people from getting inside the Earth.
-If the Earth stopped moving, everything on it would fly off into space.
-The Earth has a moon, but the moon does not have a day named after it.
-The Earth's oceans are not actually blue; they are clear.
-If the Earth had a mustache, it would also have a soul patch, and it would look like this:
-The Earth is round. However, it is not perfectly round. It is also bumpy.
-Other planets that are not the Earth include Jupiter, Saturn or Neptune.
-As far as we know, the Earth has never collided with the sun.
-The Earth is filled with goo.
-The surface of the Earth usually keeps people from getting inside the Earth.
-If the Earth stopped moving, everything on it would fly off into space.
-The Earth has a moon, but the moon does not have a day named after it.
-The Earth's oceans are not actually blue; they are clear.
-If the Earth had a mustache, it would also have a soul patch, and it would look like this:
4.13.2011
Too Many
A billion of something is a whole lot. It's probably too much. Consider the following examples.
A Billion Astronauts
You wouldn't be able to send all those astronauts into space. We only have a few spaceships in this world, so only maybe 30 of those astronauts could actually go. That's only .000003% of all those astronauts. The rest would be left with unfulfilling careers as garbage men. Maybe we could ship some of them out to sea just so we don't have to watch heartbroken astronauts taking out our trash.
A Billion Staplers
That would mean more than a billion staples. Unless each stapler only gets one staple, but that would be crazier than having a billion staplers to begin with. I don't care if it causes a staple crisis that cripples some poor country's economy, each stapler needs at least 50 staples. This isn't Russia.
A Billion Canoes
The Native Americans understood the concept of keeping in balance with your environment, which is probably part of the reason why they never mass-produced canoes. After all, if you have a billion canoes, how do you have an efficient canoe race? You'd probably have to do individual time trials, and nobody enjoys that.
A Billion Hot Dogs with Mustard
Mustard is an acquired taste. Personally, I'm not a fan. Someone else could have that hot dog instead of me. Maybe there are a billion people in this world who like mustard, but I don't know. I'm guessing a few of those hot dogs would get wasted.
A Billion Astronauts
You wouldn't be able to send all those astronauts into space. We only have a few spaceships in this world, so only maybe 30 of those astronauts could actually go. That's only .000003% of all those astronauts. The rest would be left with unfulfilling careers as garbage men. Maybe we could ship some of them out to sea just so we don't have to watch heartbroken astronauts taking out our trash.
A Billion Staplers
That would mean more than a billion staples. Unless each stapler only gets one staple, but that would be crazier than having a billion staplers to begin with. I don't care if it causes a staple crisis that cripples some poor country's economy, each stapler needs at least 50 staples. This isn't Russia.
A Billion Canoes
The Native Americans understood the concept of keeping in balance with your environment, which is probably part of the reason why they never mass-produced canoes. After all, if you have a billion canoes, how do you have an efficient canoe race? You'd probably have to do individual time trials, and nobody enjoys that.
A Billion Hot Dogs with Mustard
Mustard is an acquired taste. Personally, I'm not a fan. Someone else could have that hot dog instead of me. Maybe there are a billion people in this world who like mustard, but I don't know. I'm guessing a few of those hot dogs would get wasted.
4.07.2011
State Capitals, Part One
Good morning, everyone! Today we're going to begin a series on STATE CAPITALS! Everyone else is definitely as excited about this as I am!
PART ONE: THE LETTER A
Did you know 5 state capitals begin with the letter A? Isn't that amazing? The only letters that have more capitals are C and S, and since these letters appear the word, "secession," we we will not be discussing any cities that begin with them.
In alphabetical order, Albany comes first. I have no interest in Albany, so we will pretend that the actual capital of New York is Buffalo and move on.
We will also skip Annapolis and Atlanta.
This brings us to Augusta, Maine. Maine is one of two states whose capital should actually be Portland.
Austin is the fifth and final state capital beginning with A. Coincidentally, it rhymes with Boston, which is also a state capital. It is important to note, however, that Boston begins with the letter B, which is not the letter A.
Isn't learning fun?
PART ONE: THE LETTER A
Did you know 5 state capitals begin with the letter A? Isn't that amazing? The only letters that have more capitals are C and S, and since these letters appear the word, "secession," we we will not be discussing any cities that begin with them.
In alphabetical order, Albany comes first. I have no interest in Albany, so we will pretend that the actual capital of New York is Buffalo and move on.
We will also skip Annapolis and Atlanta.
This brings us to Augusta, Maine. Maine is one of two states whose capital should actually be Portland.
Austin is the fifth and final state capital beginning with A. Coincidentally, it rhymes with Boston, which is also a state capital. It is important to note, however, that Boston begins with the letter B, which is not the letter A.
Isn't learning fun?
3.30.2011
My Ideal Home
I want to live inside a kangaroo.
Ways this will improve my life:
-Thanks to layers and mucus and what I assume are other unrelentingly pleasant bodily fluids, I will always be warm and comfortable. Whenever I start to feel a little chilly, I can just tuck myself a little deeper in that cozy pouch, rub up extra close to that soft tissue, and warm right up.
-I will never be lonely because I will always have a kangaroo buddy to keep me company. I imagine us becoming something like heroes of the Old West. I'd be the straight man who does all the hard work, and the kangaroo would be the bumbling, wise-cracking sidekick who accidentally saves the day in the end.
-I will probably be in Australia. Most kangaroos do live in Australia, after all. The rest live in zoos. I do not want to live in a kangaroo in a zoo. As much as the rhyme makes that proposition attractive, I do not want to expose myself to ridicule for my aberrant lifestyle.
-Most kangaroo predators are extinct, and most of my predators would be too slow. We would be almost unstoppable. And I could probably teach the kangaroo how to camouflage, so the bears wouldn't even be able to see us.
Ways this will maybe not be such a great idea:
-It will be crowded. Once some joeys start showing up (unlikely, though, since I'm sure to scare off any potential kangaroo mates), there's not going to be a lot of room inside this kangaroo. And I'm not going to sell my stamp collection to make space for a mooch.
-Bouncing up and down will probably make me motion sick. Not that I have much experience traveling in jumps or leaps, but I expect it will be jarring to my stomach.
-My favorite foods will not be readily available, and it will be difficult to go grocery shopping. I haven't read a lot about kangaroos yet, but I'm guessing they don't make a lot of pizza or tacos. And I've seen many a kangaroo get kicked out of a grocery store, so there must be some kind of "no kangaroos" rule that would keep me from buying the food I want.
-Kangaroos are difficult to steer. Say I want to go left, but the kangaroo wants to go right. I have no idea how I'm going to handle such a dilemma.
Ways this will improve my life:
-Thanks to layers and mucus and what I assume are other unrelentingly pleasant bodily fluids, I will always be warm and comfortable. Whenever I start to feel a little chilly, I can just tuck myself a little deeper in that cozy pouch, rub up extra close to that soft tissue, and warm right up.
-I will never be lonely because I will always have a kangaroo buddy to keep me company. I imagine us becoming something like heroes of the Old West. I'd be the straight man who does all the hard work, and the kangaroo would be the bumbling, wise-cracking sidekick who accidentally saves the day in the end.
-I will probably be in Australia. Most kangaroos do live in Australia, after all. The rest live in zoos. I do not want to live in a kangaroo in a zoo. As much as the rhyme makes that proposition attractive, I do not want to expose myself to ridicule for my aberrant lifestyle.
-Most kangaroo predators are extinct, and most of my predators would be too slow. We would be almost unstoppable. And I could probably teach the kangaroo how to camouflage, so the bears wouldn't even be able to see us.
Ways this will maybe not be such a great idea:
-It will be crowded. Once some joeys start showing up (unlikely, though, since I'm sure to scare off any potential kangaroo mates), there's not going to be a lot of room inside this kangaroo. And I'm not going to sell my stamp collection to make space for a mooch.
-Bouncing up and down will probably make me motion sick. Not that I have much experience traveling in jumps or leaps, but I expect it will be jarring to my stomach.
-My favorite foods will not be readily available, and it will be difficult to go grocery shopping. I haven't read a lot about kangaroos yet, but I'm guessing they don't make a lot of pizza or tacos. And I've seen many a kangaroo get kicked out of a grocery store, so there must be some kind of "no kangaroos" rule that would keep me from buying the food I want.
-Kangaroos are difficult to steer. Say I want to go left, but the kangaroo wants to go right. I have no idea how I'm going to handle such a dilemma.
5.27.2009
Missed Penguins
Hey everybody! I found a blog the other day (thanks to the indirect recommendation of someone whose company I enjoy, albeit infrequently) that posts illustrations to accompany the "missed connections" personals in New York papers. It's a really beautiful blog, and I mean that sincerely. It also inspired me to write my own version of "missed connections" from the perspective of a penguin. Enjoy!
A Penguin's Missed Connections by Bertrand G. Penguington
I was on one of the trains--I don't know which one it was because I can't read--and you stared at me and smiled while you were talking on the phone with your boyfriend. Your hat was cute. I was the penguin.
You almost got in my cab somewhere around 47th. You said, "Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't know this was taken." I would have said that you could join me, but I couldn't open my beak fast enough. In case you don't remember, I was the penguin.
You're the only other penguin I've met in this penguin-forsaken city. I was also a penguin.
You kicked me when you were walking down the street somewhere in Manhattan. Maybe it was an accident, but you didn't even apologize. Do you hate penguins? (I was the penguin, by the way.)
I caught your eyes when we were at the zoo. Maybe you were wondering what I was doing walking around like a regular person. I was wondering if you'd like to go out to dinner. I hope you date penguins.
I muttered something under my breath about how a penguin can't get a break in this world, and you helped cheer me up. Then you threw me out the bus window. That was not cool, and I wanted you to know that.
A Penguin's Missed Connections by Bertrand G. Penguington
I was on one of the trains--I don't know which one it was because I can't read--and you stared at me and smiled while you were talking on the phone with your boyfriend. Your hat was cute. I was the penguin.
You almost got in my cab somewhere around 47th. You said, "Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't know this was taken." I would have said that you could join me, but I couldn't open my beak fast enough. In case you don't remember, I was the penguin.
You're the only other penguin I've met in this penguin-forsaken city. I was also a penguin.
You kicked me when you were walking down the street somewhere in Manhattan. Maybe it was an accident, but you didn't even apologize. Do you hate penguins? (I was the penguin, by the way.)
I caught your eyes when we were at the zoo. Maybe you were wondering what I was doing walking around like a regular person. I was wondering if you'd like to go out to dinner. I hope you date penguins.
I muttered something under my breath about how a penguin can't get a break in this world, and you helped cheer me up. Then you threw me out the bus window. That was not cool, and I wanted you to know that.
11.21.2008
Prophet Ben
Holy canoli, guys. I just noticed that I correctly picked the winner of the World Series at the beginning of July. The post in which I made the prediction is mostly garbage, but check out the end where I suggest that we celebrate The Day Before Independence Day with the Phillies winning the World Series. I was right!
Even though I don't really follow baseball, and I wasn't even trying to make a pick for the World Series, this is pretty amazing. At the time I said that, the Phillies were a relatively mediocre 44-39, and they'd just come off a streak where they only won 2 of their last 13. It was a gutsy pick, but it paid off.
While I still have this spirit of prophecy, I'd like to make a few other bold predictions. Feel free to react as if these were true, because they almost certainly will be at some point in the future.
-Mustard will overtake ketchup as the most popular condiment.
-Australia will replace the United States as the dominant world power.
-Brazil will become the first country to send a samba musician to the moon.
-Zombies will take over the entirety of Europe and Asia, but Africa will be spared because the zombies are afraid of water and will not cross the Suez canal.
-Huey Lewis and the News will make a dramatic comeback, and their album will reach number one on the billboard charts. Shortly thereafter they will begin a war against all other musicians to cement their position at the top.
-Dogs will finally learn to talk.
Even though I don't really follow baseball, and I wasn't even trying to make a pick for the World Series, this is pretty amazing. At the time I said that, the Phillies were a relatively mediocre 44-39, and they'd just come off a streak where they only won 2 of their last 13. It was a gutsy pick, but it paid off.
While I still have this spirit of prophecy, I'd like to make a few other bold predictions. Feel free to react as if these were true, because they almost certainly will be at some point in the future.
-Mustard will overtake ketchup as the most popular condiment.
-Australia will replace the United States as the dominant world power.
-Brazil will become the first country to send a samba musician to the moon.
-Zombies will take over the entirety of Europe and Asia, but Africa will be spared because the zombies are afraid of water and will not cross the Suez canal.
-Huey Lewis and the News will make a dramatic comeback, and their album will reach number one on the billboard charts. Shortly thereafter they will begin a war against all other musicians to cement their position at the top.
-Dogs will finally learn to talk.
11.07.2008
First Snow
Today marks the first snow of this winter. Normally, I'd be pretty upset. After it snowed twice in May--May--snow and I haven't gotten along very well. But after a lesson from my friend Jim on being more joyful, I've compiled a list of things I like about snow.
-It looks pretty on the trees.
-It makes the day look brighter.
-It can't murder you while you sleep.
-You can go sledding on it.
-It doesn't hurt very much when it lands on you.
-It melts eventually.
-It's better than dinosaurs coming to life and breathing fire on everything (but not by much).
-It only snows for six months out of the year.
-I can stay inside and avoid it forever if I want.
-It looks pretty on the trees.
-It makes the day look brighter.
-It can't murder you while you sleep.
-You can go sledding on it.
-It doesn't hurt very much when it lands on you.
-It melts eventually.
-It's better than dinosaurs coming to life and breathing fire on everything (but not by much).
-It only snows for six months out of the year.
-I can stay inside and avoid it forever if I want.
10.28.2008
Haystack: Results
I spent the last three days (including the whole weekend) immersed in a haystack, looking for things. A friend dared me to do it, after a really long and bizarre needle-in-a-haystack joke he told me. It was probably the worst non-racist joke I've ever heard.
But back to the haystack. Before I tell you what I found there, I want to say that this was easily one of the most unpleasant experiences of my life. Three days in a haystack with no food or water, and it's really cold out, and haystacks are scratchy. Still I doubt I would have done anything better with my weekend.
What I found in the haystack:
-A puppy (Found that one within the first ten minutes, highlight of the weekend. But it ran away as soon as I released it from the haystack.)
-Bird poop
-Hay
-The smell of hay
-This itch that is still driving me crazy
-A lot of dirt
-A sombrero
-A single fingernail clipping
-Straw
-A talking piece of hay (It told me that it used to be a person before it turned into a piece of hay.)
-Different-smelling hay
If I keep skipping work for stuff like this, I'm definitely going to get fired. But I may get fired sooner for smelling like hay.
But back to the haystack. Before I tell you what I found there, I want to say that this was easily one of the most unpleasant experiences of my life. Three days in a haystack with no food or water, and it's really cold out, and haystacks are scratchy. Still I doubt I would have done anything better with my weekend.
What I found in the haystack:
-A puppy (Found that one within the first ten minutes, highlight of the weekend. But it ran away as soon as I released it from the haystack.)
-Bird poop
-Hay
-The smell of hay
-This itch that is still driving me crazy
-A lot of dirt
-A sombrero
-A single fingernail clipping
-Straw
-A talking piece of hay (It told me that it used to be a person before it turned into a piece of hay.)
-Different-smelling hay
If I keep skipping work for stuff like this, I'm definitely going to get fired. But I may get fired sooner for smelling like hay.
8.19.2008
Put a Bag on Your Head
About a week ago, a friend and I caught this movie called Baghead, which I won't comment seriously on, but is a movie about a serial killer who wears a bag over his head. And it's good. More importantly, it made me wonder, when is it OK to wear a bag on your head? So I came up with the following list at about 3AM last night.
Situations where it's OK to wear a bag on your head
-At the Baghead premiere
-When you're going to the paper bag parade
-At any official meeting of the Green Party
-If you're planning on traveling back in time
-When you're in Utah
Situations where it's NOT OK to wear a bag on your head
-When you're eating a hot dog (or a hamburger)
-When you're cashing a check at the bank
-While swimming
-When all your friends are dressed like robots and you don't want to feel left out
-If someone you know is lighting paper bags on fire
Situations where I don't really care if you wear a bag on your head or not
-In your math and science classes
-If you don't have any better ideas for a Halloween costume
-If you want to mess with your pets
-To reduce wind resistance while riding your bike
-If you think it will give you superpowers
Situations where it's OK to wear a bag on your head
-At the Baghead premiere
-When you're going to the paper bag parade
-At any official meeting of the Green Party
-If you're planning on traveling back in time
-When you're in Utah
Situations where it's NOT OK to wear a bag on your head
-When you're eating a hot dog (or a hamburger)
-When you're cashing a check at the bank
-While swimming
-When all your friends are dressed like robots and you don't want to feel left out
-If someone you know is lighting paper bags on fire
Situations where I don't really care if you wear a bag on your head or not
-In your math and science classes
-If you don't have any better ideas for a Halloween costume
-If you want to mess with your pets
-To reduce wind resistance while riding your bike
-If you think it will give you superpowers
7.18.2008
Villainy!
I seem to have made a few arch-enemies in the past few weeks. I don't know what I did to get all these people against me--especially considering that they seem to have very personal vendettas--but like everything else, you just gotta roll with the punches, right?
Here's a rundown on what I know about these newfound villains. At least they all sent me pictures, so I at least have some frame of reference.
Let's get rolling with the least-threatening-looking guy. He didn't tell me his name, so I just call him "The Mustache."
Honestly, I am not surprised that one of my enemies has a kingly mustache. It seems like people with amazing mustaches tend to be more evil than people without mustaches. Maybe we should do an experiment. Anyway, The Mustache sent me a letter claiming he stole the year 1983, the year I was born. I was worried at first, but I'm beginning to doubt the veracity of that claim. Still, awesome mustache. In another life, perhaps we could be friends.
Next we have Captain Dan. We also have his sidekick, Mr. Toodles, the First Mate, but he seems to be nothing more than a point to emphasize Captain Dan's toughness. Every now and then he'll say, "YEAH!" after Captain Dan says something, but if you kick him in the shins he cries like a baby.
Captain Dan hasn't taken this arch-enemy thing very far yet, but that's a big "yet." Most of our encounters have been based on well-articulated threats and narrow-eyed glares. I think he's going to drive his boat into my house, much like that scene that I barely remember from that trailer for Speed 2. But it's more about the suspense than the boat-ramming with this guy, and I can sort of respect that. He also may or may not have taken one of my friends hostage. It's possible that friend just isn't returning my calls.
And lastly--as far as I know--there's Jose Canseco. Now this is definitely my fault. I sort of stole a helicopter (I returned it, so I still don't consider it stolen) and dumped about 100 gallons of urine on Jose Canseco's house.
I regret nothing. I mean, he's wearing a transparent shirt in front of a poster for The Man. That speaks for itself. Do your worst, Jose Canseco. I think I can take it.
Here's a rundown on what I know about these newfound villains. At least they all sent me pictures, so I at least have some frame of reference.
Let's get rolling with the least-threatening-looking guy. He didn't tell me his name, so I just call him "The Mustache."
Honestly, I am not surprised that one of my enemies has a kingly mustache. It seems like people with amazing mustaches tend to be more evil than people without mustaches. Maybe we should do an experiment. Anyway, The Mustache sent me a letter claiming he stole the year 1983, the year I was born. I was worried at first, but I'm beginning to doubt the veracity of that claim. Still, awesome mustache. In another life, perhaps we could be friends.
Next we have Captain Dan. We also have his sidekick, Mr. Toodles, the First Mate, but he seems to be nothing more than a point to emphasize Captain Dan's toughness. Every now and then he'll say, "YEAH!" after Captain Dan says something, but if you kick him in the shins he cries like a baby.
Captain Dan hasn't taken this arch-enemy thing very far yet, but that's a big "yet." Most of our encounters have been based on well-articulated threats and narrow-eyed glares. I think he's going to drive his boat into my house, much like that scene that I barely remember from that trailer for Speed 2. But it's more about the suspense than the boat-ramming with this guy, and I can sort of respect that. He also may or may not have taken one of my friends hostage. It's possible that friend just isn't returning my calls.
And lastly--as far as I know--there's Jose Canseco. Now this is definitely my fault. I sort of stole a helicopter (I returned it, so I still don't consider it stolen) and dumped about 100 gallons of urine on Jose Canseco's house.
I regret nothing. I mean, he's wearing a transparent shirt in front of a poster for The Man. That speaks for itself. Do your worst, Jose Canseco. I think I can take it.
5.08.2008
Baby Names
The population's increasing, supposedly. If that's actually true, that means that there are going to be more babies that need names. And if naming trends have shown us anything, it's that the old names aren't good enough anymore. Allow me to present the new generation of baby names, which I have modestly titled (and trademarked) The Only Good Names for Your Baby, 2008-????
GIRLS
Seychelles
You may not know, but this is also the name of an archipelago nation off the coast of Africa. But honestly, it sounds enough like "Michelle" that no one will notice. And it still sounds different enough from "Michelle" that people will think your child is adopted from a very exotic country. Please do not try this with any other island nation. It only works with Seychelles because they do not have an extradition treaty with the US.
Laccospadix
It's always great to name your girls after flowers, so why not pick the relatively unheard of flowering palm plant of Australia? The two Greek words that form its name translate to "reservoir" and "spadix."
Death Valley
When you're thinking of naming your girl after a desert, you might land on "Sahara" or "Gobi" long before you'd get to Death Valley. That's why you need a naming guide to help you. Death Valley may not have the pretty sound or romantic sensibility that you'd like to give your daughter, but what it lacks in aesthetics, it makes up for in sheer crushing power. With this name, I guarantee that your daughter will rule her chosen career field with an iron fist to rival the greatest tyrants the world has ever seen.
BOYS
Charlemagne the Great
Don't balk at the idea of giving your child a three-word first name. That's practically more common than "John" or "Michael" these days. And there's no better way to milk all you can from three words than to go with Charlemagne the Great, the glorious moniker of the 8th century French king and Holy Roman Emperor. I might note that adding "the Great" to the name technically makes it redundant, as "magne" means "great," but it even more technically makes it like a billion times more amazing.
Lionfish Are Poisonous
Not only is it hip to use multiple words to name your child, but it's also becoming extremely popular to name them with complete sentences. It's not good to use more than four words, though, or people will think your child is an absolute nutcase. So keep it simple, but be as edgy as possible. Lionfish Are Poisonous is a great name because it references a striped wild animal AND the possibility of death, two of the edgiest topics or categories available. Zebra Assassination Attempt, however, is not a complete sentence.
The Mothership
Honestly, this one only works well with some last names. The Mothership Jones, for instance, sounds like a late 70s arena-rock band, and therefore is awesome. The Mothership Smithson, however, doesn't quite get off the ground. It may still be worth taking the risk because rarely does a single name combine all three essential elements for a boy's name: unlimited power, gender ambiguity, and aliens.
GIRLS
Seychelles
You may not know, but this is also the name of an archipelago nation off the coast of Africa. But honestly, it sounds enough like "Michelle" that no one will notice. And it still sounds different enough from "Michelle" that people will think your child is adopted from a very exotic country. Please do not try this with any other island nation. It only works with Seychelles because they do not have an extradition treaty with the US.
Laccospadix
It's always great to name your girls after flowers, so why not pick the relatively unheard of flowering palm plant of Australia? The two Greek words that form its name translate to "reservoir" and "spadix."
Death Valley
When you're thinking of naming your girl after a desert, you might land on "Sahara" or "Gobi" long before you'd get to Death Valley. That's why you need a naming guide to help you. Death Valley may not have the pretty sound or romantic sensibility that you'd like to give your daughter, but what it lacks in aesthetics, it makes up for in sheer crushing power. With this name, I guarantee that your daughter will rule her chosen career field with an iron fist to rival the greatest tyrants the world has ever seen.
BOYS
Charlemagne the Great
Don't balk at the idea of giving your child a three-word first name. That's practically more common than "John" or "Michael" these days. And there's no better way to milk all you can from three words than to go with Charlemagne the Great, the glorious moniker of the 8th century French king and Holy Roman Emperor. I might note that adding "the Great" to the name technically makes it redundant, as "magne" means "great," but it even more technically makes it like a billion times more amazing.
Lionfish Are Poisonous
Not only is it hip to use multiple words to name your child, but it's also becoming extremely popular to name them with complete sentences. It's not good to use more than four words, though, or people will think your child is an absolute nutcase. So keep it simple, but be as edgy as possible. Lionfish Are Poisonous is a great name because it references a striped wild animal AND the possibility of death, two of the edgiest topics or categories available. Zebra Assassination Attempt, however, is not a complete sentence.
The Mothership
Honestly, this one only works well with some last names. The Mothership Jones, for instance, sounds like a late 70s arena-rock band, and therefore is awesome. The Mothership Smithson, however, doesn't quite get off the ground. It may still be worth taking the risk because rarely does a single name combine all three essential elements for a boy's name: unlimited power, gender ambiguity, and aliens.
5.02.2008
Adventures in Energy Boosting
Upon my return from the tiny country of El Salvador, I've discovered several things. Not the least of these things is the fact that I am now very tired all the time. I've been at work three days, and in each of them I may or may not have fallen asleep at my desk AND during a meeting.
Last night, I told my roommates that I was having significant problems staying awake, and Corey presented me with some creative solutions. Of course, I spurned them all and came up with my own. For your reading pleasure, here they are!
1. Mustard. I don't really like mustard, but for some reason it made sense to me that drinking two liters of the stuff (instead of water, of course) would give me a huge boost in awakeness. This experiment gets an 8.5 on the not-worth-it scale.
2. Robotic Heart Transplant. I figured if I removed my human heart and replaced it with a superior artificial model, I maybe wouldn't even need to sleep ever. Not that I actually went through with it. Stupid responsible doctors.
3. Jumping off of buildings. Nothing gives me a rush quite like a free fall. If I take a good five-story jump every few hours, I should have no problem staying awake for the whole day. Caution to the wind.
4. Hummingbird Blood. Native American legend says if you drink a creature's blood, you gain its strength. So why not drink the blood of the most energetic creature on the planet? Surprisingly, it did not taste as honey-sweet as I expected.
Last night, I told my roommates that I was having significant problems staying awake, and Corey presented me with some creative solutions. Of course, I spurned them all and came up with my own. For your reading pleasure, here they are!
1. Mustard. I don't really like mustard, but for some reason it made sense to me that drinking two liters of the stuff (instead of water, of course) would give me a huge boost in awakeness. This experiment gets an 8.5 on the not-worth-it scale.
2. Robotic Heart Transplant. I figured if I removed my human heart and replaced it with a superior artificial model, I maybe wouldn't even need to sleep ever. Not that I actually went through with it. Stupid responsible doctors.
3. Jumping off of buildings. Nothing gives me a rush quite like a free fall. If I take a good five-story jump every few hours, I should have no problem staying awake for the whole day. Caution to the wind.
4. Hummingbird Blood. Native American legend says if you drink a creature's blood, you gain its strength. So why not drink the blood of the most energetic creature on the planet? Surprisingly, it did not taste as honey-sweet as I expected.
4.14.2008
Traveler's Guide: Sark
Sark, a very small island nation in the English Channel, made news recently by becoming the last nation in the world to abolish feudalism. For those of you unfamiliar with medieval history, I don't really know how to explain what that means, but feudalism hasn't been a legitimate economic system since like the 17th century. So this is kind of bizarre.
A few other interesting things about Sark:
+It's area is two square miles. To compare, that is slightly less than half the size of Richfield. Population 600. Here's a picture.
+In 1991, an unemployed French nuclear physicist staged a one-man invasion of the island armed only with a semi-automatic handgun. He put up signs around the island one day announcing his intention to take over the country at noon the following day. He was arrested while sitting on a park bench shortly before noon. The king of the island missed all the action because he was picking up a check on another island.
+The king is the only person on the island allowed to own an unspayed female dog.
Personally, I think an island this small and weird ought to retain its treasured feudalism. Did anyone really have that big of a problem with it? I mean, it's not like the king of a 600-person island poses any kind of a threat to anybody. I have no doubt that this change will break the globabl economy beyond repair.
A few other interesting things about Sark:
+It's area is two square miles. To compare, that is slightly less than half the size of Richfield. Population 600. Here's a picture.
+In 1991, an unemployed French nuclear physicist staged a one-man invasion of the island armed only with a semi-automatic handgun. He put up signs around the island one day announcing his intention to take over the country at noon the following day. He was arrested while sitting on a park bench shortly before noon. The king of the island missed all the action because he was picking up a check on another island.
+The king is the only person on the island allowed to own an unspayed female dog.
Personally, I think an island this small and weird ought to retain its treasured feudalism. Did anyone really have that big of a problem with it? I mean, it's not like the king of a 600-person island poses any kind of a threat to anybody. I have no doubt that this change will break the globabl economy beyond repair.
4.10.2008
Dragon vs. Phoenix
People stop me on the street all the time and ask me, "Which do you think is better, a dragon or a phoenix?" This has happened literally a dozen times, and I'm getting tired of having to punch these people in their faces and running away as fast as I can. So it's time to settle the matter once and for all. And since I'm lazy, I'm doing it in the convenient point/comparison format.
DRAGON: Breathes fire.
PHOENIX: Made of fire.
Advantage: phoenix
DRAGON: Extinct.
PHOENIX: Presumably extinct, but could rise from the ashes at any time. Probably when you're not looking.
Advantage: phoenix
DRAGON: Can't fly because it's too fat.
PHOENIX: Has no feet.
Advantage: dragon
DRAGON: Comes in a wide variety of personalities, from happy-go-lucky and stupid (a la Dragon Tales) to malevolent and sleepy (a la a bunch of other stuff).
PHOENIX: Never says a word, but is probably a huge jerk.
Advantage: dragon
DRAGON: Lives in caves and dungeons.
PHOENIX: Homeless.
Advantage: dragon
DRAGON: Not Japanese. Or wait, maybe somewhat Japanese.
PHOENIX: More likely Japaenese.
Advantage: phoenix
DRAGON: .301 batting average for the whole species.
PHOENIX: Morally superior to baseball.
Advantage: dragon
DRAGON: No Nobel Prizes.
PHOENIX: Won Nobel Prize for Economics.
Advantage: dragon
Actually, next time somebody asks me this question, I'm gonna throw a pie in their face instead of punching them. Now I just need to figure out how I'm gonna carry a bunch of pies around with me.
DRAGON: Breathes fire.
PHOENIX: Made of fire.
Advantage: phoenix
DRAGON: Extinct.
PHOENIX: Presumably extinct, but could rise from the ashes at any time. Probably when you're not looking.
Advantage: phoenix
DRAGON: Can't fly because it's too fat.
PHOENIX: Has no feet.
Advantage: dragon
DRAGON: Comes in a wide variety of personalities, from happy-go-lucky and stupid (a la Dragon Tales) to malevolent and sleepy (a la a bunch of other stuff).
PHOENIX: Never says a word, but is probably a huge jerk.
Advantage: dragon
DRAGON: Lives in caves and dungeons.
PHOENIX: Homeless.
Advantage: dragon
DRAGON: Not Japanese. Or wait, maybe somewhat Japanese.
PHOENIX: More likely Japaenese.
Advantage: phoenix
DRAGON: .301 batting average for the whole species.
PHOENIX: Morally superior to baseball.
Advantage: dragon
DRAGON: No Nobel Prizes.
PHOENIX: Won Nobel Prize for Economics.
Advantage: dragon
Actually, next time somebody asks me this question, I'm gonna throw a pie in their face instead of punching them. Now I just need to figure out how I'm gonna carry a bunch of pies around with me.
4.09.2008
Free Parking
Free parking. I love it. It's perhaps the greatest institution known to modern man. Nuts to hospitals or public education, neither of which really benefit society that much anyway. It's all about the free parking.
And that was going to be all I planned on saying on the subject, until I read a little about a book called The High Cost of Free Parking by some UCLA professor who's an expert on urban planning and development. According to this degree-holding lunatic, "free parking is the root problem of many of the ills that face our biggest cities. He posits that reforming parking policy will lead to a better pedestrian environment, cleaner streets and air, safer downtown shopping districts, and - yes - even less headaches for drivers trying to find that ever elusive curb space."
Excuse me? Free parking is the root problem of nothing, except perhaps the decline in availability of free parking spaces. Let me give you a few statistics of my own, Mister Smart-Guy UCLA Professor.
:> While a pay-to-park society would likely force more people to take advantage of public transportation, where would all the buses park? It may be of interest to note that buses fill up to twenty times as much parking space as the common car.
:> Contrary to what the author seems to suggest, charging for parking would not make cars disappear from America's roads.
:> Free parking has been shown to be good for foreign policy, as visitors to our country find us welcoming and generous.
:> Charging for parking will dramatically increase the suicide rate, as certainly no one would want to live in such a world.
Free parking is the source of at least one-third of my happiness. If anyone starts to take that away from me, I am definitely moving to Estonia. Or Latvia. I don't really think there's a difference.
4.03.2008
Twins Confusion
Went to my first baseball game of the season last night, which happened to be the third baseball game of the season overall for this particular team. They did not win the match, but in my opinion, the other team didn't win either. The real winners were the people who were lucky enough to buy several hot dogs for a dollar a piece before they were sold out.
Interesting things I learned at this baseball game include:
-The Minnesota Twins are actually fraternal, not identical, as the media would have us believe. Conspiracy theories as to the reasoning behind this cover-up are in development.
-When people lift their hands above their heads and then lower them again in a fluid motion, this is called "the wave." However, it is considered unsuccessful if one does it all alone.
-Points in baseball are called "runs," not points. Also, periods are called "innings." For some reason, when a sportsman fails to strike the ball, it's still called a strike. None of the rest of the terminology made any sense either.
I don't think anything else that happened at the game qualifies as learning. Most of it qualifies as booing.
Interesting things I learned at this baseball game include:
-The Minnesota Twins are actually fraternal, not identical, as the media would have us believe. Conspiracy theories as to the reasoning behind this cover-up are in development.
-When people lift their hands above their heads and then lower them again in a fluid motion, this is called "the wave." However, it is considered unsuccessful if one does it all alone.
-Points in baseball are called "runs," not points. Also, periods are called "innings." For some reason, when a sportsman fails to strike the ball, it's still called a strike. None of the rest of the terminology made any sense either.
I don't think anything else that happened at the game qualifies as learning. Most of it qualifies as booing.
3.19.2008
Lazerz
I don't think we talk about lasers enough. I'm left unsatisfied by the bi-weekly laser discussion groups. We've got to expand this. We've got to get the whole world talking about lasers.
I'll start things off by talking about how lasers are awesomer than other things.
Lasers vs. the Interweb
The Interweb is way better than the Internet, but it still doesn't hold up to lasers. If the Interweb were a person, it wouldn't even exist anymore because it would be disintegrated by lasers.
Lasers vs. Marsupials
I don't know if you've seen any marsupials lately. Probably not because they've all been destroyed by lasers. Or if you did see any, I'm sure they were hiding lasers in their pouches next to their babies.
Lasers vs. Diamond
Lasers can't destroy diamonds, but they're still better than diamonds. Because if you have a giant pile of diamonds, somebody could still come in with a couple lasers and say, "Gimme all your diamonds," and you'd do it.
Lasers vs. Memorial Day
Veterans rule, as do paid holidays. Even still, lasers make any day better than Memorial Day. And if you had lasers one day and Memorial Day the next, you'd end up just wanting the lasers back. You'd probably even go to work on Memorial Day next year because lasers are just that good.
Now you should say something about lasers.
I'll start things off by talking about how lasers are awesomer than other things.
Lasers vs. the Interweb
The Interweb is way better than the Internet, but it still doesn't hold up to lasers. If the Interweb were a person, it wouldn't even exist anymore because it would be disintegrated by lasers.
Lasers vs. Marsupials
I don't know if you've seen any marsupials lately. Probably not because they've all been destroyed by lasers. Or if you did see any, I'm sure they were hiding lasers in their pouches next to their babies.
Lasers vs. Diamond
Lasers can't destroy diamonds, but they're still better than diamonds. Because if you have a giant pile of diamonds, somebody could still come in with a couple lasers and say, "Gimme all your diamonds," and you'd do it.
Lasers vs. Memorial Day
Veterans rule, as do paid holidays. Even still, lasers make any day better than Memorial Day. And if you had lasers one day and Memorial Day the next, you'd end up just wanting the lasers back. You'd probably even go to work on Memorial Day next year because lasers are just that good.
Now you should say something about lasers.
2.27.2008
Sandstone
If I had to choose my favorite variety of sedimentary rock, it'd be sandstone.
If I were to build statues of all of my friends, I would build them out of sandstone.
If I had to sleep outdoors in some desert canyon, I would carve a bed out of sandstone.
If I had to hide from some bloodthirsty animal out to eat me alive, I would hide behind sandstone.
If I had to pretend like I was a geologist of some kind with a special new discovery, I would pretend like I discovered sandstone.
If somebody tried to tell me that marble was better than sandstone, I would respectfully disagree.
If sandstone came to life and tried to break into my house and kidnap my children, I would not hesitate to shoot it or beat it to death with a baseball bat.
2.15.2008
Too Old
Someday over the last couple weeks I turned 25. It's the most horrifying age I've ever been. I'm now a quarter-of-a-century old. I'm halfway to halfway dead. My best years are behind me, and now my life is like a train recklessly speeding toward the wasteland of 30, where it will inevitably crash and kill millions.
Already I'm experiencing some signs of old age:
-Arthritis: My hands can no longer type without significant pain, so I hired a typing monkey to do all my word processing at work. I dictate, he types. He's not as literate as I would like, but you work with what you get. So I get to work with a monkey.
-Memory loss: This has always been a problem, so I don't really care.
-Yelling at punk kids: The monkey knows how to skateboard, so I find myself shaking my fist at him and yelling about his shenanigans as he rolls by. It's embarassing for both of us, but mostly for him, I imagine.
I can't remember what else I was going to write.
Already I'm experiencing some signs of old age:
-Arthritis: My hands can no longer type without significant pain, so I hired a typing monkey to do all my word processing at work. I dictate, he types. He's not as literate as I would like, but you work with what you get. So I get to work with a monkey.
-Memory loss: This has always been a problem, so I don't really care.
-Yelling at punk kids: The monkey knows how to skateboard, so I find myself shaking my fist at him and yelling about his shenanigans as he rolls by. It's embarassing for both of us, but mostly for him, I imagine.
I can't remember what else I was going to write.
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