Villainy!

I seem to have made a few arch-enemies in the past few weeks. I don't know what I did to get all these people against me--especially considering that they seem to have very personal vendettas--but like everything else, you just gotta roll with the punches, right?

Here's a rundown on what I know about these newfound villains. At least they all sent me pictures, so I at least have some frame of reference.

Let's get rolling with the least-threatening-looking guy. He didn't tell me his name, so I just call him "The Mustache."


Honestly, I am not surprised that one of my enemies has a kingly mustache. It seems like people with amazing mustaches tend to be more evil than people without mustaches. Maybe we should do an experiment. Anyway, The Mustache sent me a letter claiming he stole the year 1983, the year I was born. I was worried at first, but I'm beginning to doubt the veracity of that claim. Still, awesome mustache. In another life, perhaps we could be friends.


Next we have Captain Dan. We also have his sidekick, Mr. Toodles, the First Mate, but he seems to be nothing more than a point to emphasize Captain Dan's toughness. Every now and then he'll say, "YEAH!" after Captain Dan says something, but if you kick him in the shins he cries like a baby.


Captain Dan hasn't taken this arch-enemy thing very far yet, but that's a big "yet." Most of our encounters have been based on well-articulated threats and narrow-eyed glares. I think he's going to drive his boat into my house, much like that scene that I barely remember from that trailer for Speed 2. But it's more about the suspense than the boat-ramming with this guy, and I can sort of respect that. He also may or may not have taken one of my friends hostage. It's possible that friend just isn't returning my calls.


And lastly--as far as I know--there's Jose Canseco. Now this is definitely my fault. I sort of stole a helicopter (I returned it, so I still don't consider it stolen) and dumped about 100 gallons of urine on Jose Canseco's house.


I regret nothing. I mean, he's wearing a transparent shirt in front of a poster for The Man. That speaks for itself. Do your worst, Jose Canseco. I think I can take it.