This weekend was awesome. Yay God.
And that's seriously all I've been thinking about for the past 8 hours.
1.30.2006
1.26.2006
Yesterday Was Awesome
I had a "conversation" with a coworker yesterday via email. Here are the high points, condensed so it makes sense.
BEN: I'm used to you being delusional, so this was nothing new.
NICOLE: Uh oh...now I'm paranoid. What if I am with an uncute guy?? How will I ever know? Have I gone blind? Lost my mind? Am I a hunchback? An oger (how do you spell that?!) maybe? Are you really Seth Cohen? Or maybe you really look more like John Wayne. Who are you anyways???
B: I'm actually James Bond's younger brother, Marty Bond. But don't tell anybody. Because it's not true. I can get why you'd guess John Wayne, though. After all, I always wear cowboy hats.
N: Yeah, it was definitely the hat that got me thinking that. Thanks for clearing that up. I think I type kind of fast. That's weird how that thought just got stuck in there. I don't like James Bond. Sorry, Marty...I just don't.
B: Whoa now. You don't just go around expressing dislike for James Bond to James Bond's brother. That's definitely going to incur the wrath of James Bond's brother, which is definitely going to incur the wrath of James Bond, which is definitely a kind of wrath you do not want to incur. You might have been shot by now. If not, my brother is just biding his time.
N: What are you talking about? You can't prove that I did anything.
B: It's not my fault that I got a message containing your name together with the statement "I don't like James Bond." It may be my fault that I ordered (well, requested) your assassination, but that's beside the point. I'm much less responsible than whoever sent that email and whoever commits the assassination.
N: -Official Notice of The United States Department of Justice-
This is to notify you that this email has been sent to the Federal Bureau of Investigation. Assassination is a federal crime and violates statute M6454A5457SF444DGV22145741 by federal mandate. You are now being officially investigated. You may as well jump off of a bridge now.
B: Whoa, did you see that impostor run out of here? He was wearing exactly the same clothes as me, but I think his name tag said Marty something. Wonder what the deal with that was. So, what've you been up to?
N: I did see him, actually. That was pretty strange. Who are you?
B: Who am I? I'm Ben.
N: Ben??? Never heard of ya.
B: You've never heard of Ben? Ben who single-handedly slew three dragons at the Cave Tarranor? Ben who sailed around the world twice with a crew of only seven able-bodied men? Ben who won three Olympic gold medals in Track and Field, Ski Jump, and Figure Skating? Ben who tied the world record for most consecutive hours break-danced (shared with Chevy Chase)? Ben who drank a gallon of rat poison, then invented human cloning and cloned himself before he died? Ben who killed Godzilla and enslaved Japan? You haven't heard of Ben?
N: Nope. Never heard of you. Where do you sit?
B: I sit in a throne in a castle in the clouds. Right next to Eddie Van Halen.
This went on for a while and resolved with Nicole claiming she was Queen of the Universe and me telling her that Eddie was going to kill her with a guitar solo if she didn't shut up.
BEN: I'm used to you being delusional, so this was nothing new.
NICOLE: Uh oh...now I'm paranoid. What if I am with an uncute guy?? How will I ever know? Have I gone blind? Lost my mind? Am I a hunchback? An oger (how do you spell that?!) maybe? Are you really Seth Cohen? Or maybe you really look more like John Wayne. Who are you anyways???
B: I'm actually James Bond's younger brother, Marty Bond. But don't tell anybody. Because it's not true. I can get why you'd guess John Wayne, though. After all, I always wear cowboy hats.
N: Yeah, it was definitely the hat that got me thinking that. Thanks for clearing that up. I think I type kind of fast. That's weird how that thought just got stuck in there. I don't like James Bond. Sorry, Marty...I just don't.
B: Whoa now. You don't just go around expressing dislike for James Bond to James Bond's brother. That's definitely going to incur the wrath of James Bond's brother, which is definitely going to incur the wrath of James Bond, which is definitely a kind of wrath you do not want to incur. You might have been shot by now. If not, my brother is just biding his time.
N: What are you talking about? You can't prove that I did anything.
B: It's not my fault that I got a message containing your name together with the statement "I don't like James Bond." It may be my fault that I ordered (well, requested) your assassination, but that's beside the point. I'm much less responsible than whoever sent that email and whoever commits the assassination.
N: -Official Notice of The United States Department of Justice-
This is to notify you that this email has been sent to the Federal Bureau of Investigation. Assassination is a federal crime and violates statute M6454A5457SF444DGV22145741 by federal mandate. You are now being officially investigated. You may as well jump off of a bridge now.
B: Whoa, did you see that impostor run out of here? He was wearing exactly the same clothes as me, but I think his name tag said Marty something. Wonder what the deal with that was. So, what've you been up to?
N: I did see him, actually. That was pretty strange. Who are you?
B: Who am I? I'm Ben.
N: Ben??? Never heard of ya.
B: You've never heard of Ben? Ben who single-handedly slew three dragons at the Cave Tarranor? Ben who sailed around the world twice with a crew of only seven able-bodied men? Ben who won three Olympic gold medals in Track and Field, Ski Jump, and Figure Skating? Ben who tied the world record for most consecutive hours break-danced (shared with Chevy Chase)? Ben who drank a gallon of rat poison, then invented human cloning and cloned himself before he died? Ben who killed Godzilla and enslaved Japan? You haven't heard of Ben?
N: Nope. Never heard of you. Where do you sit?
B: I sit in a throne in a castle in the clouds. Right next to Eddie Van Halen.
This went on for a while and resolved with Nicole claiming she was Queen of the Universe and me telling her that Eddie was going to kill her with a guitar solo if she didn't shut up.
Something to Post About: Strangers
I love strangers. Love 'em. I'd love 'em til the cows came home if I could.
So, friends and strangers alike, what inspired my profession of love? This: nearly 200 profile views.
I am surprised. Many of my friends have been around the blog community longer than I. Many of them know more people on the blog community than I. So what have I done to warrant nearly 200 profile views?
Nothing. That's why it's brilliant.
I'd like to thank those of you who have viewed my profile, and I'd like to thank those of you who viewed it more than once. Even if you're not a stranger, and even if you are, I love ya.
So, friends and strangers alike, what inspired my profession of love? This: nearly 200 profile views.
I am surprised. Many of my friends have been around the blog community longer than I. Many of them know more people on the blog community than I. So what have I done to warrant nearly 200 profile views?
Nothing. That's why it's brilliant.
I'd like to thank those of you who have viewed my profile, and I'd like to thank those of you who viewed it more than once. Even if you're not a stranger, and even if you are, I love ya.
Will January 26th, 2006 be the day Unspar reached 100 posts?
No. Not unless I keep posting crap like this.
The Corporate Terrors
For nearly an hour, possibly longer but I wouldn't know cuz I didn't get back from my meeting til 11, my corporate world was very close to collapsing.
The email stopped working.
The lag ranged anywhere from 15 to 40 minutes, and I received two from Christine that didn't come in until over an hour after they were sent.
Chaos.
The worst part was that we had to distribute information verbally. With sound. That is not how the business world works, people. Communication depends on the written word in this world. Without it, we're no better than monkeys (unless those monkeys are chained to typewriters).
The email stopped working.
The lag ranged anywhere from 15 to 40 minutes, and I received two from Christine that didn't come in until over an hour after they were sent.
Chaos.
The worst part was that we had to distribute information verbally. With sound. That is not how the business world works, people. Communication depends on the written word in this world. Without it, we're no better than monkeys (unless those monkeys are chained to typewriters).
Thursday is the new Friday
I have tomorrow off, so today (Thursday) is the temporary new Post Day until I once again work on a Friday (Friday).
After this post, I'm six away from 100. Perhaps for post 100, I'll post 100 things I miss about livejournal. It'll be funny cuz after like #6, it'll be stuff like "I miss how that squirrel looked at me when I posted something that one time."
After this post, I'm six away from 100. Perhaps for post 100, I'll post 100 things I miss about livejournal. It'll be funny cuz after like #6, it'll be stuff like "I miss how that squirrel looked at me when I posted something that one time."
A Glimpse at My Psychosis in 3 Parts in Reverse Order: Part 1
I think I will develop a paranoid complex sometime after the age of 40. Why? Because whenever I'm driving, I'm either too far to the left or too far to the right, forcing other drivers out of their lanes. It's a symptom of something much worse to come. And strangely, I'm not worried about car accidents in the least.
A Glimpse at My Psychosis in 3 Parts in Reverse Order: Part 2
From the guy who brought you such words that you made fun of him for as "bunk" and the use of "chill" as an adjective comes...
Build Your Bencabulary
Episode IV: "Hopscotch"
Many of you know that the lame or clever of the world occasionally replace the word "hell" with the letter "H." This appears in sentences like "That's weak as H, dude," or "Hot as H."
I recently* discovered that "H" could be replaced with another word beginning with that letter and, after a couple tries, successfully replaced it with "hopscotch." It has since entered my regular usage.
As with all episodes of Build Your Bencabulary, this is not to convince you to use my words but so that you may understand them when I use them.
*I used "hopscotch" a whole week before Seth Cohen used the word "hockey" in a similar strategy on The OC. I am not ripping off Seth Cohen, but this is further proof that he is me.
Build Your Bencabulary
Episode IV: "Hopscotch"
Many of you know that the lame or clever of the world occasionally replace the word "hell" with the letter "H." This appears in sentences like "That's weak as H, dude," or "Hot as H."
I recently* discovered that "H" could be replaced with another word beginning with that letter and, after a couple tries, successfully replaced it with "hopscotch." It has since entered my regular usage.
As with all episodes of Build Your Bencabulary, this is not to convince you to use my words but so that you may understand them when I use them.
*I used "hopscotch" a whole week before Seth Cohen used the word "hockey" in a similar strategy on The OC. I am not ripping off Seth Cohen, but this is further proof that he is me.
A Glimpse at My Psychosis in 3 Parts in Reverse Order: Part 3
Last night I made the very best mix CD ever. It is entitled "Thugz 4 LifE," and I would tell you the awesome songs it has on it, but a major part of its awesomeness is not knowing the songs beforehand. So if you are one of the lucky few to actually experience "Thugz 4 LifE," you better be prepared not to let your head explode, though it would still be a worthwile experience if it did.
1.25.2006
My Hero
The next movie I will see is called Johnny Mnemonic. I think I'm going to buy it, making it Keanu Reeves film #2 that I buy before I see (the first being the excellent Point Break). It's described by an IMDB patron as, "Blade Runner's fat, slutty sister," which makes me even more excited.
There are a great many things to look forward to about Johnny Mnemonic. It's got an all star cast that complements the sublime Keanu with the depth of Ice-T and the subtlety of Dolph Lundgren (who plays a bionic street preacher, apparently). Punk music superstar Henry Rollins also makes an appearance as "Spider," which sounds to me like your typical geek hacker handle.
The film was so excellent, it was nominated for a Razzie for Worst Actor (for Keanu, who has 7 Razzie nominations total, though unfortunately never a win) in 1995 (Pauly Shore won for Jury Duty).
There are a great many things to look forward to about Johnny Mnemonic. It's got an all star cast that complements the sublime Keanu with the depth of Ice-T and the subtlety of Dolph Lundgren (who plays a bionic street preacher, apparently). Punk music superstar Henry Rollins also makes an appearance as "Spider," which sounds to me like your typical geek hacker handle.
The film was so excellent, it was nominated for a Razzie for Worst Actor (for Keanu, who has 7 Razzie nominations total, though unfortunately never a win) in 1995 (Pauly Shore won for Jury Duty).
1.24.2006
Strange Connections
One of my favorite things to do at work is go through my Amazon.com recommendations and tell them what I'm not interested in. One of my favorite things about this is their justification for recommending certain things. For your brief enjoyment, here is a list of things I've been recommended and why:
A subscription to Vogue magazine because I liked Hotel Rwanda.
A PlayStation 2 memory card because I own Donnie Darko.
House of Flying Daggers because I own Kind of Blue by Miles Davis.
The soundtrack to Wicked because I own Monty Python and the Holy Grail.
The Woodsman starring Kevin Bacon (about a sex offender) because I liked The Black Album by Jay-Z.
John Lennon's Imagine because I liked Raising Arizona.
A large number of Herb Alpert & The Tijuana Brass albums because I liked The Sting.
Mr. Skin's Skincyclopedia : The A-to-Z Guide to Finding Your Favorite Actresses Naked because I liked Lost Highway.
One of them Rod Stewart standards albums because I own Casablanca.
And that was all I got before it was time to leave.
A subscription to Vogue magazine because I liked Hotel Rwanda.
A PlayStation 2 memory card because I own Donnie Darko.
House of Flying Daggers because I own Kind of Blue by Miles Davis.
The soundtrack to Wicked because I own Monty Python and the Holy Grail.
The Woodsman starring Kevin Bacon (about a sex offender) because I liked The Black Album by Jay-Z.
John Lennon's Imagine because I liked Raising Arizona.
A large number of Herb Alpert & The Tijuana Brass albums because I liked The Sting.
Mr. Skin's Skincyclopedia : The A-to-Z Guide to Finding Your Favorite Actresses Naked because I liked Lost Highway.
One of them Rod Stewart standards albums because I own Casablanca.
And that was all I got before it was time to leave.
1.20.2006
Inching Toward Post #100 For No Reason
This day is the slowest day in the history of existence. I swear I've had a volume of experience to equal about 15 days in the past 5 hours. For once in four weeks, I don't even have a three day weekend to look forward to.
We're dead.
We're dead.
Justification
McSweeney's has at last put my love of Point Break into words so eloquent they make me want to puke rainbows.
"Point Break
Mind-blowing. A picture of sheer grandeur, heartbreak, old-fashioned movie magic, Gary Busey, and poetry. A visual feast with moments that stay with you long after seeing two or three additional surfing and/or bank-heist films. The metaphysical issues explored by Patrick Swayze and Keanu Reeves go way beyond anything that any film of the later half of the 20th century has even come close to touching upon. An epic modern-day Greek-tragedy-cum-liturgical-star-vehicular allegory. Potentially, the best film of our oh so sad and beautiful age. Either this or Speed."
From Movie Reviews by the City of Los Angeles by Nathaniel Missildine
"Point Break
Mind-blowing. A picture of sheer grandeur, heartbreak, old-fashioned movie magic, Gary Busey, and poetry. A visual feast with moments that stay with you long after seeing two or three additional surfing and/or bank-heist films. The metaphysical issues explored by Patrick Swayze and Keanu Reeves go way beyond anything that any film of the later half of the 20th century has even come close to touching upon. An epic modern-day Greek-tragedy-cum-liturgical-star-vehicular allegory. Potentially, the best film of our oh so sad and beautiful age. Either this or Speed."
From Movie Reviews by the City of Los Angeles by Nathaniel Missildine
A Very Special Episode
This morning on Saved By the Bell was a Thanksgiving episode, and they had tons of "celebrity" guests, including Marv Albert and Jonathan Brandis. It's funny to think that there was a time when these names would attract positive attention.
1.19.2006
I Pretend That People Care About Music
The Spin Doctors: Judgment in Ben's Room.
The charge: so horribly failing the test of time.
Witnesses: "Two Princes"
Testimony: Prince 1--"From the get go, we just wanted to get laid. We didn't care what it took. It was never about writing good muisc. So we wrote this song, hoping that it would get chicks into our pants. And it worked as well as it could, considering we rarely showered and all that smelly hippie crap. Anyway, we didn't think the song would last. Pretty much as soon as we showered, the music went sour. Funny twist of fate. I laughed."
Prince 2--"I can't really disagree with what he just said. I mean, I never knew anything about music. I just picked up some dude's guitar once at a bonfire after he went off to make out with some chick. I started strumming a few strings, and suddenly there was a swarm of girls around me. So I figured I'd write a song about how a girl can do whatever she wants to me. It was really repetitive, sure--I only know like three or four chords, maybe five if I'm lucky--but it got the job done. At least until the song got old, and that didn't take very long."
Decision: Five years in Very Gay State Prison.
Comments from the judge: "Prosecuting counsel advised I give you guys fifteen years, and that wouldn't be unfair. But your song never got stuck in my head for long, so I let you off easy. Be thankful you don't have much talent."
The charge: so horribly failing the test of time.
Witnesses: "Two Princes"
Testimony: Prince 1--"From the get go, we just wanted to get laid. We didn't care what it took. It was never about writing good muisc. So we wrote this song, hoping that it would get chicks into our pants. And it worked as well as it could, considering we rarely showered and all that smelly hippie crap. Anyway, we didn't think the song would last. Pretty much as soon as we showered, the music went sour. Funny twist of fate. I laughed."
Prince 2--"I can't really disagree with what he just said. I mean, I never knew anything about music. I just picked up some dude's guitar once at a bonfire after he went off to make out with some chick. I started strumming a few strings, and suddenly there was a swarm of girls around me. So I figured I'd write a song about how a girl can do whatever she wants to me. It was really repetitive, sure--I only know like three or four chords, maybe five if I'm lucky--but it got the job done. At least until the song got old, and that didn't take very long."
Decision: Five years in Very Gay State Prison.
Comments from the judge: "Prosecuting counsel advised I give you guys fifteen years, and that wouldn't be unfair. But your song never got stuck in my head for long, so I let you off easy. Be thankful you don't have much talent."
What's the Deal with Credibility?
There's nothing like a self-righteous blog to make me question the entire existence of the blogosphere, whatever the hell that word means anyway.
I was just reading FreeDarko.com, specifically this post about how they're blog deserves more credibility than they get credit for from the credible media.
Now if I wanted credibility, I'd quit blogging forever and probably never talk to half of my "friends" ever again, but it's been pretty clear from Day 1 that I will have nothing to do with credibility. That's not what this is about. This is about attention, which is an entirely different monster.
The blog is not the place to go when you want to find credibility. If you want credibility, you turn to your local palm reader or Josef Stalin. But not when you want attention. You do not want attention from those people, so you turn to the blog community. And it makes sense. The blog community won't kill you or your family.
So, world, this is the deal: we bloggers won't hurt you or your loved ones, and you can stop taking us seriously. We're called bloggers for a reason, and that reason is that we're morons who made up a terrible sounding word to term ourselves. We don't want to make up a similarly damaging word for you, but we'll do it. So please, leave us to our diatribes against museums and our inadvertent praise of Stalin. Only then can we live in peace.
I was just reading FreeDarko.com, specifically this post about how they're blog deserves more credibility than they get credit for from the credible media.
Now if I wanted credibility, I'd quit blogging forever and probably never talk to half of my "friends" ever again, but it's been pretty clear from Day 1 that I will have nothing to do with credibility. That's not what this is about. This is about attention, which is an entirely different monster.
The blog is not the place to go when you want to find credibility. If you want credibility, you turn to your local palm reader or Josef Stalin. But not when you want attention. You do not want attention from those people, so you turn to the blog community. And it makes sense. The blog community won't kill you or your family.
So, world, this is the deal: we bloggers won't hurt you or your loved ones, and you can stop taking us seriously. We're called bloggers for a reason, and that reason is that we're morons who made up a terrible sounding word to term ourselves. We don't want to make up a similarly damaging word for you, but we'll do it. So please, leave us to our diatribes against museums and our inadvertent praise of Stalin. Only then can we live in peace.
1.17.2006
I Don't Say This Often, But I Was Wrong
Turns out my blog is not blocked. It was only blocked for five seconds at the beginning of the day. I think the Thought Police reversed the blockage because they realized I was catching on to their scheme. So now I'm in trouble.
First Facebook, Now This
CIGNA has blocked another of my favorite sites: this one that you are on right now. They blocked my blog. Grounds? It falls into the "Message Boards and Clubs" category. But mine is the only blog that is blocked. At least as far as I can tell.
This has got to be some kind of war crime. I'll be reporting it to the Hague momentarily.
There's so much wrong with this I can hardly even begin to criticize. First they only block one blog. If anyone wants to read any other blog, that's OK, but they're not allowed to read mine. My speech is no longer free. Second, they don't block my means of blogging, which I greatly prefer to my means of reading what I just wrote. So I'm hardly discouraged from wasting time at all. Third, classifying my blog as a message board or club is very, very far from accurate. Comments do not constitute message boards and links do not constitute a club.
CIGNA = IDIOTS.
I think I'm back to being a communist. But still probably not a terrorist.
This has got to be some kind of war crime. I'll be reporting it to the Hague momentarily.
There's so much wrong with this I can hardly even begin to criticize. First they only block one blog. If anyone wants to read any other blog, that's OK, but they're not allowed to read mine. My speech is no longer free. Second, they don't block my means of blogging, which I greatly prefer to my means of reading what I just wrote. So I'm hardly discouraged from wasting time at all. Third, classifying my blog as a message board or club is very, very far from accurate. Comments do not constitute message boards and links do not constitute a club.
CIGNA = IDIOTS.
I think I'm back to being a communist. But still probably not a terrorist.
1.13.2006
Epistolary Post
Dear Whoever invented the wheel,
You are a genius.
Love,
Wheel Enthusiast
-----
Dear WHEEL ENTHUSIAST,
Thank you for your interest in THE WHEEL, one of my greatest inventions. Please buy my book, The Things I Invented, for more information on the invention in question. Keep the dream alive!
Sincerely,
Dr. Cornelius Pretzelmobile
-----
Dear Dr. Pretzelmobile,
How did you get my letter? I never sent it. I never even had an idea of where to send it.
Also, I googled your name and looked up your book on Amazon, and apparently neither you nor your book exist.
Please stop harrassing me.
Signed,
Wheel Enthusiast
-----
Dear "Wheel Enthusiast,"
Who are you and how did you get this address?
Michael Jordan
-----
Dear Roommate,
Please stop writing fake responses to my mail. It was funny that one time that you were pretending to be my grandma, but now it's just old and annoying.
Shut up,
You know who
-----
Dear Wheel Enthusiast,
I am holding Michael Jordan hostage, and unless you send me a copy of THE WHEEL, I will kill him and send his head to the president. You have 48 hours to comply.
Best wishes,
Dr. Cornelius Pretzelmobile
-----
Dear Wheel Enthusiast,
You are under arrest for not following the orders of Dr. Pretzelmobile. I received Michael Jordan's head minutes ago can only conclude that you are responsible for this national tragedy. For shame.
Signed,
The President.
-----
Dude, you didn't even use the president's name. Weak.
-----
Oh man, you should have seen the look on your face when you got that last one! Set and match, Goldstein.
You are a genius.
Love,
Wheel Enthusiast
-----
Dear WHEEL ENTHUSIAST,
Thank you for your interest in THE WHEEL, one of my greatest inventions. Please buy my book, The Things I Invented, for more information on the invention in question. Keep the dream alive!
Sincerely,
Dr. Cornelius Pretzelmobile
-----
Dear Dr. Pretzelmobile,
How did you get my letter? I never sent it. I never even had an idea of where to send it.
Also, I googled your name and looked up your book on Amazon, and apparently neither you nor your book exist.
Please stop harrassing me.
Signed,
Wheel Enthusiast
-----
Dear "Wheel Enthusiast,"
Who are you and how did you get this address?
Michael Jordan
-----
Dear Roommate,
Please stop writing fake responses to my mail. It was funny that one time that you were pretending to be my grandma, but now it's just old and annoying.
Shut up,
You know who
-----
Dear Wheel Enthusiast,
I am holding Michael Jordan hostage, and unless you send me a copy of THE WHEEL, I will kill him and send his head to the president. You have 48 hours to comply.
Best wishes,
Dr. Cornelius Pretzelmobile
-----
Dear Wheel Enthusiast,
You are under arrest for not following the orders of Dr. Pretzelmobile. I received Michael Jordan's head minutes ago can only conclude that you are responsible for this national tragedy. For shame.
Signed,
The President.
-----
Dude, you didn't even use the president's name. Weak.
-----
Oh man, you should have seen the look on your face when you got that last one! Set and match, Goldstein.
The Sorry State of Things
Has anyone ever surfed the blog-o-sphere only to discover that the vast majority (or, for the more realistic among you, a sizable minority) of blogs revolve around some sort of political ideology? Booooooo-ring.
But aside from it making my eyeballs feel like sandpaper, political blogs are utterly useless to everyone (except statisticians, because there are apparently a lot of statistics about what bloggers are blogging about--also boring). One person's opinion about things either A) gets lost in a galaxy of other opinions and is therefore negligible to the state of the nation, state, county, city, or household; or B) is so much like what a lot of other people are saying in other blogs or important places that it doesn't matter.
Not to discourage people from blogging about politics, but...wait, no, that's exactly what I'm doing. Be discouraged, America! Down with freedom!
Seeing that I've been tagged for watch under the Patriot Act, it is probably appropriate for me to remind the United States Government that I am probably not a terrorist.
But aside from it making my eyeballs feel like sandpaper, political blogs are utterly useless to everyone (except statisticians, because there are apparently a lot of statistics about what bloggers are blogging about--also boring). One person's opinion about things either A) gets lost in a galaxy of other opinions and is therefore negligible to the state of the nation, state, county, city, or household; or B) is so much like what a lot of other people are saying in other blogs or important places that it doesn't matter.
Not to discourage people from blogging about politics, but...wait, no, that's exactly what I'm doing. Be discouraged, America! Down with freedom!
Seeing that I've been tagged for watch under the Patriot Act, it is probably appropriate for me to remind the United States Government that I am probably not a terrorist.
Minutes to Posts Ratio = One
I just posted three times in three minutes. I am incredible. I might overload the system.
System Error: Too Much Awesome.
That's the story of my life.
System Error: Too Much Awesome.
That's the story of my life.
Birthmarks
Someone explain to me why I was not born with a giant awesome tattoo on my back indicating that I am "The Chosen One" of some cult group. Everyone else is a chosen one. It's not fair.
Or maybe it's an invisible birthmark tattoo! It's not impossible. Those cults are pretty inventive when it comes to identifying their chosen ones. I'm going to put up a personal ad to advertise this invisible tattoo so the cults can find me more easily.
Wanna See My Tattoo? Cuz I Can't.
SWCO seeking CLCO
Has large, elaborate, invisible back tat.
Likes cults that are willing to try new things.
No fatties.
Call 800.728.7277
Or maybe it's an invisible birthmark tattoo! It's not impossible. Those cults are pretty inventive when it comes to identifying their chosen ones. I'm going to put up a personal ad to advertise this invisible tattoo so the cults can find me more easily.
Wanna See My Tattoo? Cuz I Can't.
SWCO seeking CLCO
Has large, elaborate, invisible back tat.
Likes cults that are willing to try new things.
No fatties.
Call 800.728.7277
I Forget
Did I mention that somebody stole my sandwich today? Man that sucks. I should steal someone's hands in retribution. Steal my sandwich now, handless jerk!
The Best Times of My Life
A lot of people say that the best years of their life were their high school years or their college years. You never hear people say that their best times were had at a dead-end job that they hated waking up to every morning. Until now.
Working in a corporate hell-hole has made me realize several things, one of which was how much I appreciate my summer of 2004 at Challenge Printing, particularly the portion of that summer I spent at the Shakopee warehouse. I've never had so much fun working anywhere with anyone, and I miss it terribly.
For those of you unfamiliar with the Shakopee job that summer, we were packing PetSmart posters in giant boxes. We'd put them in folders by twos or threes, label those folders with the correct sticker, then move on to the next set until the box was full of about 60 posters.
Here are some of my favorite moments.
There was the time before Christine got there when I was doing a box with Chad at the end of the day on Friday, and we were going as slow as possible. I was loading the posters, and when I got to Dog 6, I labeled it in the Dog 1 spot. Chad looked at me and said, "This is not Dog 1." I laughed for about fifteen minutes non-stop. I couldn't even work at first; I just fell on the floor.
Wade, Chad's brother, worked with us for about three weeks. Before he quit (and still after), Chad would yell "OOOWEEEOOOO" really loud and in a really high voice for no reason. It echoed beautifully. He would also yell "FISHY FISHY FISHY" in the same loud, high-pitched voice whenever we got to the fish ones. This was one of the main reasons Wade quit.
On our last day there, we built a giant pyramid out of a bunch of cardboard triangles. I think we made a lot of noise while we were doing it, too.
The day we decided to do boxes as fast as we could and we started racing. I think the record was something like just under 20 minutes (when previously it would take an hour). Then there were several days when we would go as slow as possible. We would stop and just sit at Dog 3 for like 20 minutes. I think Dan and Chad took three hours on one once.
The games we would play with the stickers. It started with Chad. He would hide them or unravel them a lot, and it bothered me at first, but when it became a war, it also became hilarious. I'd like to think that we descended to throwing stuff at each other, and I'm pretty sure we did.
Why aren't there more jobs like this?
Working in a corporate hell-hole has made me realize several things, one of which was how much I appreciate my summer of 2004 at Challenge Printing, particularly the portion of that summer I spent at the Shakopee warehouse. I've never had so much fun working anywhere with anyone, and I miss it terribly.
For those of you unfamiliar with the Shakopee job that summer, we were packing PetSmart posters in giant boxes. We'd put them in folders by twos or threes, label those folders with the correct sticker, then move on to the next set until the box was full of about 60 posters.
Here are some of my favorite moments.
There was the time before Christine got there when I was doing a box with Chad at the end of the day on Friday, and we were going as slow as possible. I was loading the posters, and when I got to Dog 6, I labeled it in the Dog 1 spot. Chad looked at me and said, "This is not Dog 1." I laughed for about fifteen minutes non-stop. I couldn't even work at first; I just fell on the floor.
Wade, Chad's brother, worked with us for about three weeks. Before he quit (and still after), Chad would yell "OOOWEEEOOOO" really loud and in a really high voice for no reason. It echoed beautifully. He would also yell "FISHY FISHY FISHY" in the same loud, high-pitched voice whenever we got to the fish ones. This was one of the main reasons Wade quit.
On our last day there, we built a giant pyramid out of a bunch of cardboard triangles. I think we made a lot of noise while we were doing it, too.
The day we decided to do boxes as fast as we could and we started racing. I think the record was something like just under 20 minutes (when previously it would take an hour). Then there were several days when we would go as slow as possible. We would stop and just sit at Dog 3 for like 20 minutes. I think Dan and Chad took three hours on one once.
The games we would play with the stickers. It started with Chad. He would hide them or unravel them a lot, and it bothered me at first, but when it became a war, it also became hilarious. I'd like to think that we descended to throwing stuff at each other, and I'm pretty sure we did.
Why aren't there more jobs like this?
The Lunchtime Bandit
Today, not unlike the time my lunch was stolen, part of my lunch was stolen. Emphasis on part. They only took the sandwich.
Let's examine the crime. Perpetrator walks into refrigerator, eyes a limp bag lunch. Perpetrator, realizing that they forgot to bring their lunch today, targets said bag lunch for thievery. However, as perpetrator reaches to steal said bag lunch, perpetrator has some feelings of remorse and decides to only take the sandwich. Perpetrator mildly enjoys sandwich because honestly it wasn't that great of a sandwich.
I understand if you're lunchless and hungry, and I'm grateful that you left me the rest of my lunch to enjoy, but I cannot for the life of me understand why you took only my sandwich. There were some delicious chips in there and a delicious fruit cup. That fruit cup would have been good for. Don't you care about your health?
It's clear now that human civilization is doomed. There's no such thing as civilized society as long as strangers are nabbing sandwiches and not eating the fruit which could so easily have been nabbed as well.
Let's examine the crime. Perpetrator walks into refrigerator, eyes a limp bag lunch. Perpetrator, realizing that they forgot to bring their lunch today, targets said bag lunch for thievery. However, as perpetrator reaches to steal said bag lunch, perpetrator has some feelings of remorse and decides to only take the sandwich. Perpetrator mildly enjoys sandwich because honestly it wasn't that great of a sandwich.
I understand if you're lunchless and hungry, and I'm grateful that you left me the rest of my lunch to enjoy, but I cannot for the life of me understand why you took only my sandwich. There were some delicious chips in there and a delicious fruit cup. That fruit cup would have been good for. Don't you care about your health?
It's clear now that human civilization is doomed. There's no such thing as civilized society as long as strangers are nabbing sandwiches and not eating the fruit which could so easily have been nabbed as well.
1.12.2006
The Doldrums
Have you ever wanted to blog something because you're bored at work, but you can't think of anything or make up anything worthwhile enough to publish to the world, so you write one really long sentence, hoping it'll end up somewhere interesting but ultimately abandoning that goal only to extend the length of said sentence so that it becomes so long you start to wonder what it would sound like to have some dude try and say it all in one breath, but that's probably impossible because by that point your sentence would be pretty long and said dude either would have passed out somewhere a few miles back or he'd have cheated by using that circular breathing technique, but you have to doubt that would work verbally because how would you successfully pronounce a word while you're breathing in through your nose?
1.10.2006
The Year 2050
World Future Experts have at last gotten together and formed the World Future Society, and let me tell ya, you don't earn the title of World Future Expert or get membership in the World Future Society for nothing. It takes years of tireless numbskullery and multiple credentials to testify to your quackery and crackpottery. Needless to say, it's an elite group.
Here's some examples of their predictions for the year 2050.
-Global facism dominates the globe
-Major earthquake in the Midwest
-Decrease in optimism Worldwide
-Elimination of Rebel Alliance
-Al Qaeda wins
-Komodo dragons evolve into real dragons
-People will get older
They also propose an increase in girls' education because, "There is no tool for development that is more effective." They're talking about international development here, folks. Now, I can't think of any counterexample to this statement, but it is nonetheless completely false.
Here's my source, but note that I tend to phrase things creatively for comic effect. Also, I take things so enormously out of context that it may appear that I have made things up.
Here's some examples of their predictions for the year 2050.
-Global facism dominates the globe
-Major earthquake in the Midwest
-Decrease in optimism Worldwide
-Elimination of Rebel Alliance
-Al Qaeda wins
-Komodo dragons evolve into real dragons
-People will get older
They also propose an increase in girls' education because, "There is no tool for development that is more effective." They're talking about international development here, folks. Now, I can't think of any counterexample to this statement, but it is nonetheless completely false.
Here's my source, but note that I tend to phrase things creatively for comic effect. Also, I take things so enormously out of context that it may appear that I have made things up.
The American Family Robison
Yesterday when I was talking to my mom, it was at one point revealed to me that Dan (my brother) left for Atlanta that morning. He would be back on Wednesday. There are several things wrong with this idea. For instance, Atlanta?
Moments ago, I spoke to my dad, and he said that as of last night, Dan had only made it as far as Madison, WI. He also explained that he found a note from Dan last night. That read as follows:
"Dad, Went to Mexico. Back Thursday."
Once again, a multitude of things incorrect. Let us review the inaccuracies of this road trip plan.
1. Which is it, Atlanta or Mexico? If it's Atlanta, why the hell would you want to go to Atlanta? If it's Mexico, OK.
2. Whether he's planning on being back Wednesday or Thursday, he's probably not going to get to spend more than a minute and a half in Arkansas. That's right, Arkansas. Cuz there's no way he'll make it Mexilanta in time.
3. Atlanta? Is he insane?
Moments ago, I spoke to my dad, and he said that as of last night, Dan had only made it as far as Madison, WI. He also explained that he found a note from Dan last night. That read as follows:
"Dad, Went to Mexico. Back Thursday."
Once again, a multitude of things incorrect. Let us review the inaccuracies of this road trip plan.
1. Which is it, Atlanta or Mexico? If it's Atlanta, why the hell would you want to go to Atlanta? If it's Mexico, OK.
2. Whether he's planning on being back Wednesday or Thursday, he's probably not going to get to spend more than a minute and a half in Arkansas. That's right, Arkansas. Cuz there's no way he'll make it Mexilanta in time.
3. Atlanta? Is he insane?
This Day in History
39 years ago today, Dave Matthews, best known for his membership in the Dave Matthews Band, was born yesterday.
Nothing Could Be More True While Also Being Completely False
For the duration of the day, I am Sonic the Hedgehog.
Why? I don't know.
Why? I don't know.
Sonic the Hedgehog 4: Sonic's Adventures in Typing
Something I realized while staring at my keyboard:
The similarities between comas and commas are striking.
Before I expound on these similarities, I feel I should clarify that I was for about two minutes under the impression that "comma" (,) was the word used for this symbol (:), which is actually a colon.
The similarities between comas and colons are slightly less striking.
The similarities between comas and commas are striking.
Before I expound on these similarities, I feel I should clarify that I was for about two minutes under the impression that "comma" (,) was the word used for this symbol (:), which is actually a colon.
The similarities between comas and colons are slightly less striking.
This Bus is Driving Me Insane
I find it funny that the majority of my creative efforts this morning are not merely influenced by but are exact copies of moments from Simpsons episodes. I find it funny because these Simpsons moments make me laugh, and I find it funny because there is nothing else in my head but helium or nitrogen or whatever gas it is that makes you laugh a lot. Boron?
1.07.2006
Mo' Mammon, Mo' Problems
I present to you the funniest phrase of the new millenium:
"Mo' Mammon, Mo' Problems."
I seriously cannot stop laughing. This could go on for days.
Mammon.
I suddenly discovered that this phrase is considerably less funny once you know the meaning of Mammon. I suggest you not look it up.
"Mo' Mammon, Mo' Problems."
I seriously cannot stop laughing. This could go on for days.
Mammon.
I suddenly discovered that this phrase is considerably less funny once you know the meaning of Mammon. I suggest you not look it up.
1.06.2006
The Bush Administration Gets Me At Last
I, Ben Layton Robison, am the most recent target of the USA Patriot Act.
It's true.
A letter from my health insurance account company states:
"Section 326 of the USA Patriot Act requires us to implement reasonable procedures to verify the identity of any person seeking to open an account with us. Our research indicates the following:
-We are unable to verify your address.
-We are unable to verify your date of birth."
Now, I knew was sneaky, but I never thought I was sneaky enough to make it impossible or even difficult to verify anything about me. I never imagined I would be sneaky enough that someone would have to get the law involved to straighten me out. Geez.
Well, if they think I'm a terrorist, I could just tell them I'm not a terrorist. But I guess honestly I couldn't do that with too much certainty.
Dear United States Government: I am probably not a terrorist.
It's true.
A letter from my health insurance account company states:
"Section 326 of the USA Patriot Act requires us to implement reasonable procedures to verify the identity of any person seeking to open an account with us. Our research indicates the following:
-We are unable to verify your address.
-We are unable to verify your date of birth."
Now, I knew was sneaky, but I never thought I was sneaky enough to make it impossible or even difficult to verify anything about me. I never imagined I would be sneaky enough that someone would have to get the law involved to straighten me out. Geez.
Well, if they think I'm a terrorist, I could just tell them I'm not a terrorist. But I guess honestly I couldn't do that with too much certainty.
Dear United States Government: I am probably not a terrorist.
Friday is also treat day.
Bagels galore!
We had $80 worth of gift certificates to Panera for winning the Christmas gift collection contest, so today we collected. There are at least two bagels for every person on our approximately 50 person team. And I have a feeling about half of them don't want any.
So we are left with an enormous excess of bagels, which I find funny. We got these bagels because we were so generous to the less fortunate (gift drive), but we're going to throw out a billion of them and screw the less fortunate (they're hungry too). I'd laugh if my mouth wasn't full of delicious bagel.
We had $80 worth of gift certificates to Panera for winning the Christmas gift collection contest, so today we collected. There are at least two bagels for every person on our approximately 50 person team. And I have a feeling about half of them don't want any.
So we are left with an enormous excess of bagels, which I find funny. We got these bagels because we were so generous to the less fortunate (gift drive), but we're going to throw out a billion of them and screw the less fortunate (they're hungry too). I'd laugh if my mouth wasn't full of delicious bagel.
Friday is blog day!
I am currently 8 minutes into my 480-minute day, and I predict it's going to be a long one.
You know what I just decided I wish I was? The guy who came up with ideas for "Mr. Ed" and "My Favorite Martian." What hilariously awful ideas. I guess they stand as proof that success isn't measured by number of TV shows produced.
You know what I just decided I wish I was? The guy who came up with ideas for "Mr. Ed" and "My Favorite Martian." What hilariously awful ideas. I guess they stand as proof that success isn't measured by number of TV shows produced.
1.05.2006
Zachary Morris
This morning I caught the end of an old Saved by the Bell episode--back from when they were in seventh or eighth grade. It had one of the best moments I've ever seen on television.
So Zack was talking to this girl, thanking her for helping him study, and she said something like she thought she was going to cry. So Zack says, "I do have a way with women," and then, trying to be all smooth and cool, whips out the most enormous pair of sunglasses I've ever seen. These things seriously, absolutely seriously, covered half of his face. A whole half of his face concealed by sunglasses.
So Zack was talking to this girl, thanking her for helping him study, and she said something like she thought she was going to cry. So Zack says, "I do have a way with women," and then, trying to be all smooth and cool, whips out the most enormous pair of sunglasses I've ever seen. These things seriously, absolutely seriously, covered half of his face. A whole half of his face concealed by sunglasses.
1.02.2006
The Planet Earth's Greatest Mistake
Something went terribly, terribly wrong in the world in the past ten thousand or so years that Pat Sajak and Vanna White have become cultural icons. This does not make sense to me.
1.01.2006
2006: Year of Hilarity and Senseless Destruction
To the best of my knowledge, only one of those things happened last night.
Last night at midnight, Seth and I sang Auld Lang Syne. Come on guys, sing along! You know the words!
"Should old acquaintence be forgot, and never brought to mind
Should old acquaintence be forgot, and da da AULD LANG SYNE!
Shu AULD LANG SYNE my dear shoa AULD LANG SYNE!
Sho da da da da da da da shoi AULD LANG SYNE!"
That's exactly how we sang it. With big swooping arm motions.
Last night at midnight, Seth and I sang Auld Lang Syne. Come on guys, sing along! You know the words!
"Should old acquaintence be forgot, and never brought to mind
Should old acquaintence be forgot, and da da AULD LANG SYNE!
Shu AULD LANG SYNE my dear shoa AULD LANG SYNE!
Sho da da da da da da da shoi AULD LANG SYNE!"
That's exactly how we sang it. With big swooping arm motions.
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