Epistolary Post

Dear Whoever invented the wheel,

You are a genius.

Love,
Wheel Enthusiast

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Dear WHEEL ENTHUSIAST,

Thank you for your interest in THE WHEEL, one of my greatest inventions. Please buy my book, The Things I Invented, for more information on the invention in question. Keep the dream alive!

Sincerely,
Dr. Cornelius Pretzelmobile

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Dear Dr. Pretzelmobile,

How did you get my letter? I never sent it. I never even had an idea of where to send it.

Also, I googled your name and looked up your book on Amazon, and apparently neither you nor your book exist.

Please stop harrassing me.

Signed,
Wheel Enthusiast

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Dear "Wheel Enthusiast,"

Who are you and how did you get this address?

Michael Jordan

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Dear Roommate,

Please stop writing fake responses to my mail. It was funny that one time that you were pretending to be my grandma, but now it's just old and annoying.

Shut up,
You know who

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Dear Wheel Enthusiast,

I am holding Michael Jordan hostage, and unless you send me a copy of THE WHEEL, I will kill him and send his head to the president. You have 48 hours to comply.

Best wishes,
Dr. Cornelius Pretzelmobile

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Dear Wheel Enthusiast,

You are under arrest for not following the orders of Dr. Pretzelmobile. I received Michael Jordan's head minutes ago can only conclude that you are responsible for this national tragedy. For shame.

Signed,
The President.

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Dude, you didn't even use the president's name. Weak.

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Oh man, you should have seen the look on your face when you got that last one! Set and match, Goldstein.