Earth vs. Facebook

Since I've already done two Earth Day posts, why not another, right? This time we'll celebrate Earth Day by comparing Earth to Facebook. Let's see what they have in common....

Everyone on Facebook and everyone on Earth are lame. The people on Facebook and the people on Earth are basically just giving in to peer pressure by being there. In contrast, the people who are not Facebook and the people who live in outer space are cool.

People waste a good chunk of their day on Facebook. People also waste a good chunk of their day on the Earth. The productive activity that takes place on both is relatively negligible.

Communicating with your friends through Facebook is not a very good substitute for face-to-face interaction. Similarly, communicating with your friends through the Earth will make for a stunted relationship, as sound does not travel well through the Earth's crust.

Approximately 10% of the world's population is on Facebook. Approximately 10% of the world's population also lives on Earth.

Nobody who's on Facebook actually likes Facebook, just like nobody who lives on Earth genuinely likes the Earth. In spite of everyone's dislike, no one would ever do anything to leave Facebook or Earth. Cuz...what else is there?

Earth: The Facts

In view of the impending Earth Day, I thought I'd fill you in on some interesting facts about this place we call Earth. Most of these are things you probably already know because I don't want to cause any heart attacks from overly-unexpected trivia. Also, if we don't review what we've already learned, it will cease to be true.

-The Earth is round. However, it is not perfectly round. It is also bumpy.
-Other planets that are not the Earth include Jupiter, Saturn or Neptune.
-As far as we know, the Earth has never collided with the sun.
-The Earth is filled with goo.
-The surface of the Earth usually keeps people from getting inside the Earth.
-If the Earth stopped moving, everything on it would fly off into space.
-The Earth has a moon, but the moon does not have a day named after it.
-The Earth's oceans are not actually blue; they are clear.
-If the Earth had a mustache, it would also have a soul patch, and it would look like this:

Let's Celebrate Earth Day

Well, it's Earth Day on Friday, I think. It's the time of year when we all realize that we are not, in fact, floating in space. I guess technically we are floating in space, but even more technically, it's Earth that's floating in space (but even more technically it's not "floating" because it is tethered to the sun).

A lot of people like to spend Earth Day cleaning things up. Personally, I don't see how that celebrates Earth. If we really wanted to go easy on the ol' planet, I think the only thing we'd need to do is not blow it up. Any Earth Day that preserves the existence of Earth is a success in my opinion.

You may say that picking up garbage is a way to preserve the existence of Earth, but I wouldn't be able to hear you because you smell like garbage and that's pretty disgusting.

Another thing we could do to celebrate Earth Day? Not move to another planet. I bet Earth would resent that.

Halloween Game Show

Well, it's Halloween for the fourth year in a row, which means that we should probably do something special here at my blog. I decided to sponsor a Halloween Game Show, something similar to that dating show with the three bachelors and the lady who gets to pick one of them to be her boyfriend. Except the three bachelors are Dracula, a zombie, and the Creature from the Black Lagoon. I call it "Hallo-win a Date with a Monster!"

GIRL: So, bachelor number 1.
DRACULA: Hiya.
GIRL: What's your idea of the perfect date?
DRACULA: Baby, anything with you would be the perfect date, as long as it ends with me sucking your blood and you joining my ever-growing army of the undead.
GIRL: Oh, um, I'm not really into politics.
DRACULA: Baby, the only politics I'm talking about is the politics of sucking your blood and getting you into my ever-growing army of the undead.
GIRL: Trying to talk me into bed, huh? I'm not that kind of girl. On to bachelor number 2.
ZOMBIE: Grrghh...
GIRL: Which do you look for more in a girl--brains or body?
ZOMBIE: BRAINS.
GIRL: Good answer. Are you just pretending to be sensitive, or is this the real you?
ZOMBIE: BRAINS!!
GIRL: Then on a date, how would you let me know that you're into my brains?
DRACULA: Because he's going to eat them!
GIRL: You had your chance, bachelor number 1.
ZOMBIE: Grrhmmm...brains.
GIRL: OK, let's see what bachelor number 3 has to offer.
CREATURE: I'm gonna make bachelor number 2 look like that fat guy from those Austin Powers movies.
GIRL: You sound pretty confident.
CREATURE: Believe me, if you could see these other contestants, you'd be confident too.
DRACULA: You're a fish-person! At least we're wearing clothes!
GIRL: Hmm...already down to the birthday suit, huh bachelor number 3?
CREATURE: You'll have to find out for yourself, honey.
GIRL: (blushing a little) OK, so your question. If we got married, where would we spend our honeymoon?
CREATURE: Probably Jamaica, cuz you're Ja-makin' me crazy!
DRACULA: BOOOOO!!
ZOMBIE: (getting up, staggering around) BRAINS!
GIRL: Whoa, calm down fellas.
CREATURE: Just because I've fallen in love with you and plan to drag you back to Amazonian lagoon doesn't mean I can't make bad puns.
ZOMBIE: Muuurrhh! BRAINS!!
GIRL: Bachelor number 2, I'm yours!
Zombie proceeds to eat girl's brains, she joins his army of the undead instead of Dracula's, which frustrates Dracula SO MUCH, and the Creature, realizing that there are no options left to him, leaves to star in a remake of his original film with Bill Paxton.

Independence Eve

Today we celebrate the fact that our nation's independence was declared tomorrow. This day is no different from most of the days preceding our Independence Day, as the American people tend not to do much specialy until the actual day itself. At best, this day is one of anticipation, though it's most likely not even that.

So allow me to propose that we actually start to celebrate July 3rd as a national holiday. Just as our Founding Fathers were on the verge making a bold statement to their oppressors, so we should spend our days remembering their anxiety over an upcoming war (though war had technically already begun at that point) and their bitter division against Loyalists within the Continental Congress that would soon be resolved (though the vote on declaring independence had already occurred as well, and the motion was carried) to much rejoicing.

Until the government decides that July 3rd should be a paid holiday for all citizens (and illegal immigrants, sure), let's all sleep with copies of the Declaration of Independence under our pillows and dream of impassioned, boring speeches (even though no one from the Congress was actually allowed to speak; they communicated by notes), the signing of the document (though it wasn't actually signed until August), the outraged reaction of the king (who must have received it even later than that), and the Phillies winning the World Series.

Go to Hell, April

April is probably the worst month of the year. You expect a little bit of springtime at long last, finally some relief from our long winter's bitter depression, but instead Jack Frost takes one last stab at our hearts and kills whatever hope we may have had. At least in January you know what you're getting into. Because April consistently raises my hopes only to sadistically crush them, it is the biggest jerk there is.

Perhaps typical of a backstabbing jerk, then, this month gets it all rolling with April Fool's Day, the only day I can think of that celebrates the humiliation of the people you care about. The only day worse than April Fool's Day is Leap Day, but you know, I'm a little grateful for Leap Day holding April Fool's Day off for one more day than usual this year.

I remember when I was in junior high, my brother rigged the bathroom sink so that it sprayed me in the face. Ruined my whole day. I think he also rigged the kitchen sink to do the same thing, come to think of it. It happened about twelve years ago, and it still might ruin my day today.

Seriousy, no day makes me despise mankind and myself more than this unholiest of days. If any of you tries to pull anything, our friendship is over. Or maybe not over, but it'd be on probation. Or someday I'll just burn your house down. Who's the April Fool now?

The Last Real Day in February

I don't believe in leap year. Every fourth year I despise the fact that we have a 29th day in this wonderful month. The only good thing about leap day is the usual Quantum Leap marathon on the Sci-Fi channel, which I won't even get to watch this year because I have to work. So I guess the only way I could stand this terrible day is if it was a paid holiday.

I understand this whole leap year thing started when scientists realized that our planet's revolution around the sun takes 365.25 days. I assume the scientists colluded with the Masons or something to make it so that the world added an extra day to its calendars every four years. Wouldn't it just have been easier to do nothing? Sure, maybe the seasons would get a little out of whack, but they'd readjust every 366 years or so. I'd much rather endure the confusion of a snowy July every few centuries than the indignity of a 29th day in February.

I don't care what the world says, tomorrow is March 1st in my book. The rest of you can go ahead and celebrate your birthdays and national holidays a day late. That's your problem.

Valentine's Eve

Hey Everybody! It's Valentine's Day tomorrow! I, like some seemingly miniscule percentage of the world's population, am single, so I will be spending this datingest of days filling my face with spaghetti and watching Kurt Russell movies in my cold, dank basement. But here are my wishes for a perfect Valentine's Day....

=I wish my Valentine's Day would be like the movie True Lies. I begin the day as a mild-mannered, paper-pusher of some sort with a passive-agressive, divorce-bound marriage. Over the course of the next 24 hours, it's revealed that I'm a secret government agent, my wife nearly dies, and we end up much more in love than ever before.

=I wish that I would go into space on Valentine's Day to blow up an asteroid that's about to destroy the earth. When the bomb mechanism doesn't work, I'll make the ultimate sacrifice so that my daughter's boyfriend survives and they both share true love forever. It would be different from Armageddon in small ways that most people wouldn't notice.

=I wish that for Valentine's Day I would travel to some distant island with a movie star, where we would kidnap a giant ape. Then, after the ape falls in love with the movie star and wreaks havoc in downtown New York, I would blow up the Empire State Building, miraculously rescuing the movie star, who then falls in love with me instead. The ape, however, survives and learns a very important lesson about something. And though I've never seen King Kong, I'm pretty sure it doesn't end like that.

=Actually, all the rest of my Valentine's Day wishes involved me saving the world in the style of other unbelievable action movies.

=Oh wait, I also wish my Valentine's Day would involve dancing crabs or lobsters that, when viewed from above, spell out things like, "I love robots," "Where's the post office?" or "Free chicken fingers."

Groundhog Existentialism

Tomorrow is Saturday, which means I'm not going to blog. But tomorrow is also Groundhog Day, which means I have to blog about it a day in advance. Such are the obligations of a blogger who somehow got duped into talking about Groundhog Day every year.

But it's only February 1st, and there's really not anything to say. Nothing's happened yet. Somewhere in the middle of nowhere in Pennsylvania, they're setting up their little groundhog festivities, but for now, Phil is just stewing in his cage, silently composing some Kafka-esque novel about a groundhog who is proudly displayed one day a year and then locked in a pitch black cellar.

So that leaves us here, staring at a virtual "page" in cyberspace that's really not connected to anything, pondering the nature and worth of our existence, waiting for a groundhog to fulfill the desires of our hearts and make all our dreams come true. And tomorrow, just like every year, the groundhog will predict six more weeks of winter, and we'll slump home, secretly hoping that the groundhog will escape and get run over by a train or something.

Such is life. Life without groundhogs would be significantly less depressing, like instead of Groundhog Day we'd have Free Pizza For Everyone Day.

Working on Christmas Eve

As you might have gathered from the subject line, I am working today, and today is Christmas Eve. You might not have gathered that Christmas Eve is today from the subject line, and I considered changing the subject from "Working on Christmas Eve" to "Working Today, Christmas Eve," but I decided against it. I expect that to be the most weighty decision that I make today.

The thing about working on Christmas Eve is that there's nothing to do (or there better be--I swear, if I have to do any work today--but that's off the subject), which is different than any other day because it means that there's slightly less to do than usual. So, to make sure I fill the time, I'm coming up with a "plan of attack." And you have to read about it.

Or you would have had to read about it, but there's this French guy in the office for some reason, and his accent is incredibly distracting. Why is there a French guy in the office on Christmas Eve? Is that my Christmas present? If so, second-worst Christmas present ever.

All I Want for Christmas

Velvet pants.

If I don't get velvet pants for Christmas, somebody's going to pay. They're going to pay for some velvet pants and then give them to me.

I'm not going to buy my own velvet pants. That's embarrassing. I don't want to go into a store and pick out some velvet pants and have everybody think I'm a terrorist or something. I realize that anyone buying me velvet pants would find themselves in a similar situation, but that's not my problem. My problem is my current lack of velvet pants.

I'm only sort of kidding.

Christmas Meets Time Travel Meets Unusually Extreme Anxiety

Does anyone else feel like Christmas is coming a week too early this year? Maybe it's just me. Maybe I was the only one who went to sleep on November 30th and woke up on December 10th. How come this never happens to anyone else?

Normally I wouldn't complain about sleeping through a week and a half or getting my ass kicked into next week (as the junior highers like to do), but I desperately needed those days to shop. Or at the very least, I desperately needed them to come up with ideas of stuff to get for my family and friends. But as it stands, I have no ideas, almost no gifts, and a lot of frantic questions (most of them are just variations of "What am I going to do?").

This week isn't even Christmas and I already have problems. Tonight I have to get an ornament for somebody. Sounds easy, right?? Well, it probably is, but I am just about freaking out about it. And then in two days--TWO DAYS--I have to get a present for another person. What is this? Kwanza?

Actually, all this complaining is just because I hate the cold and don't want to get out of my car and walk to a store. I hate the cold SO MUCH!!

All-American Christmas

Yesterday, while my roommates and I (mostly my roommates) tackled a monstrosity of dishes, we listened to a few Christmas tunes on the local radio station. Most of them sounded like late-80s/early-90s pop/R&B, the kind that makes you want to rip out your soul, so I wasn't especially enjoying myself.

One of those songs, though, had the weirdest lyric I'd ever heard: "I love Christmas and you and America." I can't confirm that this is actually what they said in the song, but it was close enough.

The weirdest part, though, was that it sounded like he was listing the things he liked in ascending order. Like he loves Christmas a little, he loves you a little bit more, and he loves America more than anything. He got really excited at the America part. Who can blame him for loving his country? I mean, it is a Christmas song, and isn't that was Christmas is really about?

No.

Invisible Thanksgiving

This morning, my friend Lee and I got together for breakfast. We mostly talked about invisibility. We both concluded that we wanted to be invisible for Thanksgiving.

Unfortunately, since Thanksgiving is less than 30 hours away, I don't have enough time to bake my traditional invisibility turkey. Somebody suggested deep frying it, but deep-fried invisibility turkey doesn't work. Well, the invisibility part works, but the deep frier does something to the formula that makes you really sick. So you'll end up being invisible by the toilet all day, which is definitely not as much fun as being invisible at the zoo or Cuba.

So to be invisible this Thanksgiving, I'm going to have to go use some more primitive methods. Either I need to swallow ten to twenty pounds of tin foil, or I need to beat a 5-foot-3, 165-pound living retired Mongolian basketball player in a game of chess. I should probably do both just to be safe.

Zombie Activism

My least favorite part of Halloween is the zombie protesters. Every year zombies line up in front of banks, libraries, and other useful institutions demanding fair and equitable treatment, and it pisses me off. If ever I want to cash a check so I can pay my November rent, I have to run the risk of getting my brain eaten. Not cool. I need to use that brain.

Come on, zombies. Get over yourselves. You've done a lot to put yourself where you are now. Maybe if you cut back on the brain-eating and world domination, people would stop clubbing you with cricket bats on their way out to their cars. How about a little fair and equitable treatment for the rest of us, huh?



Apparently these zombies don't even know what to actually protest. Imperialist America? And some of those idiot zombies are holding signs that look like they're protesting U.S. involvement in Iraq. Did they just pick up whatever garbage signs they saw on the road and lug them down to my bank? Unbelievable.

You know, a lot of people talk about the zombie menace like we're all gonna be eaten alive and there won't be any humans left. And that might be true, but let's focus on the present situation before we start getting all Apocalyptic. So we all need to work together and keep the zombies away from the banks and grocery stores and whatnot on Halloween so I can get my errands done. Thank you.

Halloween, the Backstreet Way

Nobody celebrates Halloween like the Backstreet Boys, apparently.



Not that this video made any sense to me. The theme seems to be, "The Backstreet Boys are actually monsters, so rock your body right." Whatever. They've got good rhythm for white boys.



But I was more of an 'N Sync fan, so I won't be celebrating Halloween this year.

The Great Pumpkin Carve '07: Massive Disappointment

Halloween. A time for dressing up like a princess. A time for candy. A time for egging houses. A time for pumpkin carving. But most importantly, a time for candy.

This year my company decided to have a pumpkin carving competition. Thanks to the company placing about 75% of the staff on sudden-death probation, most of my coworkers weren't available to participate. That left apparently seven people to represent the most creative of what this company has to offer. We ended up with six traditional jack-o-lanterns and one haunted house. I'm pretty sure the haunted house is going to be disqualified for not toeing the corporate line.

To prove that our workforce isn't made up entirely of the same brand of robots, a couple people added accessories to their pumpkins. One pumpkin had red hair, which was not in pigtails and therefore was not meant to be Pippi Longstocking. The other pumpkin had horns. I assume that this was meant to resemble a devil, but it looked more like a goat.

Here's my question(s). Is this really the best that anyone could come up with? If you're going to enter a pumpkin carving contest, shouldn't you try to win? Or try anything at all? I mean, come on! Regular jack-o-lanterns? That's it? As if I wasn't already embarrassed to work here. Just...come on!

There's only one real winner in this competion. And that is the life-size pirate mannequin that somebody bought (with company money, I hope) to stand by the pumpkins. Whoever made that call is brilliant. Here's hoping they just throw it in the garbage cuz then I'll be coming home with a pirate mannequin tomorrow.

Is Luke a Pterodactyl?

My friend Luke Perry (don't know his real last name [or wait, yes I do--it's Olson]) turned 22 yesterday, and we had quite the little to-do for him. Cake, Mountain Dew, Micah Darling, who could ask for more?

And then I learned that Luke is a pterodactyl. I was surprised at first, but then I was comforted as the details were revealed through song. I think it was called "Luke's a Pterodactyl." A good song, too, with harmonies and everything. But as good as it was, I'm not entirely convinced. Let's examine the evidence.

Evidence against:
1) Luke is not extinct.
2) Luke's head is round, not enormous-pointy-banana-shaped.
3) Luke does not eat babies.
4) As far as I know, Luke is not the prey of the spinosaurus, though it's funny to imagine him being chased around by this guy:


Evidence for:
1) Luke has a very authentic-sounding pterodactyl call.
2) Luke, like many pterodactyls, does not wear glasses most of the time.
3) The afore-mentioned song.

Better get working on this one, scientists. I'm too busy. I have some puppies to rescue from an evil puppy dealer with a scar over his left eye. And I'll have to be careful because his lair is surrounded by alligators. It's times like these I'm glad I'm not a stupid scientist. Enjoy the rest of your sorry, puppy-less lives, suckers!

Lesser Known Holidays

Being that today is Valentine's Day for many of us, and being that Valentine's Day tends to be a scourge to many of us, I'd like to invite everyone to celebrate the lesser known holidays of February 14th.

Mormon Governance Day: On this day in 1835, the first Quorum of the Twelve Apostles was established as the governing body of the Church of Latter Day Saints. Today we celebrate in rigid tradition the confusion and nonsense of this church body.

Presidential Photography Day: President James K. Polk became the first U.S. President to be photographed on February 14th, 1849, so today presidential enthusiasts and laypeople alike gather together all the pictures of presidents they can find and make collages.

Oregon Day: Exactly 148 years ago today, Oregon entered our great union as the 33rd state, just in time for the Civil War. Oregon natives celebrate this day with little to no enthusiasm.

Arizona Day: Exactly 95 years ago today, Arizona entered our great union as the 48th state, missing the Civil War by approximately 50 years and establishing their heritage as an embarrassment to America.

Valentine's Day Massacre Day: In 1929 several gangsters celebrate Valentine's Day by murdering seven rival gangsters. Much like men and women in love celebrate their hearts, those in gangs celebrate this bloodbath.

Currency Decimalization Day: On February 14th, 1966, Australia introduced the decimal point to their currency system, thus making them seem slightly less like savages. The decimal point was left out for so long because many Australians believed dots were haunted. Today they celebrate by burning effigies of Satan.

All My Dreams Will Come True

Today I've received several kind birthday messages, and there is one that has bewitched me. Sarah's sister Cat called me, and most of her message made me smile, and then she said she hopes all my dreams will come true.

They better.

But seriously, that's a really great birthday wish, and I think I might start wishing people that on a daily basis. Hey, how's it going, may all your dreams come true.

Thanks, Cat! And thank you everyone who wished or will wish me a happy birthday!