Hey Everybody! It's Valentine's Day tomorrow! I, like some seemingly miniscule percentage of the world's population, am single, so I will be spending this datingest of days filling my face with spaghetti and watching Kurt Russell movies in my cold, dank basement. But here are my wishes for a perfect Valentine's Day....
=I wish my Valentine's Day would be like the movie True Lies. I begin the day as a mild-mannered, paper-pusher of some sort with a passive-agressive, divorce-bound marriage. Over the course of the next 24 hours, it's revealed that I'm a secret government agent, my wife nearly dies, and we end up much more in love than ever before.
=I wish that I would go into space on Valentine's Day to blow up an asteroid that's about to destroy the earth. When the bomb mechanism doesn't work, I'll make the ultimate sacrifice so that my daughter's boyfriend survives and they both share true love forever. It would be different from Armageddon in small ways that most people wouldn't notice.
=I wish that for Valentine's Day I would travel to some distant island with a movie star, where we would kidnap a giant ape. Then, after the ape falls in love with the movie star and wreaks havoc in downtown New York, I would blow up the Empire State Building, miraculously rescuing the movie star, who then falls in love with me instead. The ape, however, survives and learns a very important lesson about something. And though I've never seen King Kong, I'm pretty sure it doesn't end like that.
=Actually, all the rest of my Valentine's Day wishes involved me saving the world in the style of other unbelievable action movies.
=Oh wait, I also wish my Valentine's Day would involve dancing crabs or lobsters that, when viewed from above, spell out things like, "I love robots," "Where's the post office?" or "Free chicken fingers."
1 comment:
That last one is actually a movie too. It's called The Little Mermaid.
And everyone thought the subtle messages in Disney movies were sexual.
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