Only Books and Art Museums From Now On

Today, thanks to a good friend of mine, I'm considering giving up all television and movies (and some internet) for a period of 40 days. Who knows, maybe we'll stretch that out into forever. I'm so unpredictable. You never know what I'll quit and for how long.

This may seem like a horrifying and even life-threatening idea to some of you (and I'm not just talking about the Blogulator), and I can't blame you. After all, television and film represent the best of what our culture has to offer...some of the time. You may ask, what more could there be to life beyond these media? Here's what I expect to find or learn more about in my entertainment fast:
-friendship
-God
-tacos

While I considered turning this blog into a periodic journal of my televisionless life, I decided that would be boring and lame. So I present to you a sampling of what my journal may possibly look like, should I decide to do one at all, and if I would ever have posted it.

Day Four: Doing OK. Life's not that much different. I learned about the cheese chemistry in chicken tacos today, but I still don't think I'll eat chicken tacos. Somebody once asked me if I wanted a turkey taco. What were they thinking? Of course not! So I said no, and they threw it at my car.

Day Ten: Remember that episode of The Simpsons when Homer imagines his life in the woods like Thoreau? He's sitting at a lake, and he writes in his journal, "I wish I brought a TV. Oh God how I miss TV!" I don't think I laughed at that moment. It wasn't that funny. Or when he was like, "No TV and no beer make Homer something something." I guess it's not as funny when I write it down.

Day Twenty: Tried to discover the cure for AIDS today. No luck. I thought since I wasn't wasting my time in entertainment I'd have a better chance. Turns out I need to be a scientitian or something. I forget what they're called. Maybe I'll look into that whole science thing and give it another shot tomorrow.

Day Thirty-three: The government's trying to get me. I saw a white van parked outside, and I know it's them. I better slash their tires and go to Canada. Before it's too late.

Day Thirty-five: Canada is not nearly as bad as TV always said it was. I get to spend the whole day dancing in the forest and talking to the trees. One of them is pretty cute. I might ask her to marry me. I know it might seem like I'm moving too fast, but marrying a Canadian will also get the US government off my tail. Do trees count as Canadian citizens?

Animals

A couple days ago, I hung out with my good friend Jim (you should read his blog--he just had a post that used that o with two dots over it!), and we ended up spending something like an hour watching you-tube video of animal wackiness. Here's a summary of our viewing pleasures:

-a sloth doing nothing
-a sloth that almost fell off its branch
-an armadillo that came out of its hole and then went back
-an armadillo that was digging around in some guy's junk box
-two raccoons fighting
-an alligator eating a raccoon (not as cool as it sounds)
-a kangaroo boxing its owners on a talk show
-a kodiak bear eating more hot dogs than a Japanese guy
-an elephant and 44 midgets racing while pulling a jet

My conclusion: people are better than animals, unless they're pitted in direct competition.

I realize that sounds confusing. After all, if animals are better than humans when they're in direct competition, wouldn't they always be better than humans? The answer is an emphatic and belligerent no. Without the competitive drive, animals are very boring, as you-tube videos galore are waiting to demonstrate for you.

I highly recommend watching the midgets vs elephant race, though. I've already implied that the elephant wins, and that's correct, but it's still really funny. And you have to wonder, could 50 little people beat the elephant? We may never know.

No More Presidents

The Republican debate was on last night, and it was disappointing. Whatever happened to the stunt competition? And the Parade of Candidates? Petting zoo? Campaigns just aren't fun anymore.

The debate taught my friends and me a few things about politics, though. Or I guess it didn't teach us this stuff--we mostly inferred it from what we thought was happening.

1. VP stands for Vampire President. I don't know if that means our VPs are vampires themselves or if they just have authority over the vampires. Either way, they still mean nothing to me.

2. Men love torture. Thanks to CNN's breakthroughs in polling technology, we got to see a second-by-second graph of the audience's reactions to the debate. They broke it down by gender. When somebody said that he opposed torture, the "men" line went down at least two points. I'm guessing that a significant portion of the guys were disappointed to learn that they were not watching 24.

3. Not voting is better than voting. Let's get serious, people. This government charade has gone on long enough. We don't want anybody to be president for the next four years. Elect nobody! Don't vote or die!

4. Anderson Cooper is not running for president. Or maybe he is. I really couldn't tell.

5. Names matter. We didn't know the names of half the people on that stage. This isn't a low-budget indie film, America. We need name recognition. Star power. In fact, I'm pretty sure that's all we need. Don't tell me about how you saved that war memorial--just yell your name at me a few times.

In Shirt Form

Anybody remember The Hidden Temple? I barely do. It was some Nickelodeon show where kids talked with a giant Aztec idol and fell in water and covered in dirt. It was a great show, I guess, and now it's available in shirt form.

I know I'm going to get one, but I can't decide if I should get more than one. I'm pretty sure I rooted for all of the teams (except the green one--why would you have a green team in the jungle? The jungle is already green!) when the show was on TV, but which was my favorite? The Purple Parrots? I don't think I could wear purple.

You wanna know how I came across this? One of those gmail ads. Apparently, gmail thought Hidden Temple T-shirts had some connection to a discussion about small group. But it's not like we weren't talking about the Hidden Temple. Wait; no, it is exactly like that.


EDIT: Check this out. This is how cool these shirts are.

A World Without Writers

Television writers went on strike today, dooming all of us TV-watching idiots to an indefinite state of confusion and panic. Most of our shows will make it another couple weeks or so, but then come the reruns, and soon after, chaos. As a culture, we Americans can only take so much recycled entertainment programming before we resort to looting and cannibalism, I assume.

The first shows to go will be late nite comedy. We'll turn on Leno tonight only to discover the Judge Ito dancers, and once we realize that we have not traveled back in time 10-15 years, we'll immediately go bald or start shooting lasers from our ears. Get used to it, America, because without our beloved television writers, this is what we have to deal with. So be careful not to aim your ear lasers at your loved ones.

Of course there's Regis & Kelly, which has no writers, and According to Jim, which will somehow continue to be produced without writing, to keep our brains occupied. Then again, this will most likely make matters worse.

Edward R. Murrow told us television would destroy society. I think he might be surprised to find out that it's actually the lack of television that will be our downfall. If he wasn't a communist, I think he'd laugh a little.

When Stunts Go Bad

Some of you may have been lucky enough to see When Stunts Go Bad and When Stunts Go Bad 2 in your lifetimes. I have. It's a defining experience.

An event I thought worth sharing was Gary Wells' attempt to jump over the fountains at Caesar's Palace in 1980. He crashed into a brick wall (I think), and, along with breaking several bones, separated his aorta from his heart--AND LIVED.

If you ever wonder whether or not you're invincible, I suppose that's the way to find out. If I thought I was invincible, I'd probably try something simple like smashing my hand with a hammer. Aorta separation is good too, but that's probably for the ones who are already pretty sure about their invincibility.

Connie Chung

Remember when Connie Chung was a big deal? She was a superstar anchor on CNN, had her own interview hour called The Connie Chung Interview (I think), and then there was A Connie Chung Christmas, but now she's gone. She got pregnant and disappeared. How does that happen?

Part of my interest is that Connie Chung is a funny name, and part of my interest is that it's so bizarre. It belongs on Unsolved Mysteries. Famous anchorwoman suddenly vanishes from the face of the earth. Makes me think no famous anchorwomen are safe. Katie Couric, watch out.

My Life Without Pocket Protectors

I remember days when there was nothing to do but watch TV in the mornings, and I preferred to watch syndicated episodes of Head of the Class. I don't remember what was enjoyable about the show; I just remember the nerdy kid who got made fun of for having a pocket protector and a calculator. His name was Arvid, and he looked like this:



I also remember becoming a lifetime fan of Howard Hesseman because of this show. That's right, I said I'm a lifetime fan of Howard Hesseman.

Dinosaurs

Dan (my brother) and I always seem to have hilarious conversations. Yesterday at the Galleria, he stopped me outside a store to watch something on the store televisions. When we stopped, the only thing on the TV was a bunch of trees. The following hilarious conversation ensued.

Dinosaur walks onto television screen
BEN: Is that a dinosaur?
DAN: (pause) Yep.
BEN: (pause) Why did you show me this?
DAN: Are you kidding?

The First Time I Didn't See Fireworks

July 4th, 2006 is the first July 4th I saw no fireworks. I realized this year what I've almost realized many years before: I don't really like fireworks. So around 8:30, I decided I would not watch the fireworks this year, and it was good. I hope you all enjoyed your fireworks. I know I enjoyed my episode of Six Feet Under followed by sleep.

I Will Never Watch The OC Again

If you, the person reading this, have not seen The OC, you don't need to read on. From this point on, I will refer to characters and storylines you won't be familiar with, so it probably won't make any sense. Then again, nonsense is fun, so it might be worth a try.

Kirsten Cohen is drinking again, and I will not stand for it. It's bad enough to make her an alcoholic in the first place, but a relapse? Definitely not cool, OC. I like my Kirsten Cohens honorable, loving, beautiful (in a mom way), and sober. This is the last straw. We're through, OC.

This Is Habib Marwan

A conversation my dad and I made up while watching season 4 of 24:

Marwan: [in suspicious Arabic accent] Hello, CTU? This is John...uh...Smith.
CTU: Yes?
Marwan: I am Behrooz's swimming coach. I would like to see if he is coming to practice tomorrow.
CTU: Hold on, let me check.
Marwan: Uh, no, CTU. I need to speak with him personally. You see, he knows the location of the secret base--I mean, the pool--and I...um....
CTU: Wait a second, is this Marwan?
Marwan: Oh ho ho ho ho! You got me, CTU!
CTU: [hearty laughter] Good one, Marwan.
Marwan: Yes, well, now I must get back to destroying your country.

Fours

This seems like a good waste of time, but it's not long enough, so I added a few categories.

Four Jobs I’ve Had in My Life:
*Busboy at Knights of Columbus
*Media Specialist at Best Buy
*Worker at CD Warehouse
*Box-making Robot at Challenge Printing

Four Movies I Could Watch Over and Over:
*Point Break
*West Side Story
*Miracle
*Donnie Darko

Four Places I Have Lived:
*Richfield, MN
*Madison, WI
*Richfield, MN
*Minneapolis, MN

Four TV Shows I Love To Watch:
*24
*The OC
*The Simpsons
*Futurama

Four Places I Have Been On Vacation:
*South Dakota
*Kansas City
*Boundary Waters
*California

Four Websites I Visit Daily:
*My blog
*Christine's blog
*Chelsey's blog
*McSweeney's

Four Favorite Foods:
*Tacos
*Pizza
*Taco dip
*Cheese and crackers

Four Places I Would Like to Visit:
*Ireland
*Maybe Spain
*Ireland
*Ireland

Four Animals I Most Want to Chase:
*Squirrel
*Rabbit
*Rhinoceros
*Giant Panda

Four Favorite Days of the Year:
*February 8th
*February 2nd
*February 18th
*July 4th

Four Favorite Numbers:
*7
*17
*9
*11

Four Things I'd Rather Be Doing Right Now:
*Acquiring super powers.
*Going to church.
*Eating a sandwich.
*Jumping rope.

Four Reasons I Did This:
*Better than work.
*I was bored.
*I don't have anything else to do.
*Christine told me to.

I tag no one because everyone I know who would do this has been tagged. Except Paal.

A Very Special Episode

This morning on Saved By the Bell was a Thanksgiving episode, and they had tons of "celebrity" guests, including Marv Albert and Jonathan Brandis. It's funny to think that there was a time when these names would attract positive attention.

Friday is blog day!

I am currently 8 minutes into my 480-minute day, and I predict it's going to be a long one.

You know what I just decided I wish I was? The guy who came up with ideas for "Mr. Ed" and "My Favorite Martian." What hilariously awful ideas. I guess they stand as proof that success isn't measured by number of TV shows produced.

Zachary Morris

This morning I caught the end of an old Saved by the Bell episode--back from when they were in seventh or eighth grade. It had one of the best moments I've ever seen on television.

So Zack was talking to this girl, thanking her for helping him study, and she said something like she thought she was going to cry. So Zack says, "I do have a way with women," and then, trying to be all smooth and cool, whips out the most enormous pair of sunglasses I've ever seen. These things seriously, absolutely seriously, covered half of his face. A whole half of his face concealed by sunglasses.

Psychic Television Commercial

Seinfeld cuts to commercial. Suddenly this middle-aged lady appears and says, "I know you." A multitude of questions come to mind. For instance, How? She goes on to say, "You're sitting there with rheumatoid arthritis...blah blah etc."

So it turns out she was talking to someone else. I sure hope she doesn't make that mistake again; it was pretty awkward for the both of us.

Why Are We Here?

Today is Friday. The Friday before Christmas. And I am in an office building in Eden Prairie, which is (probably not) ironically far from Edenic. I would rather be anywhere else right now. Including the insides of a volcano or POW camp in Vietnam. I'd appreciate the change of scenery.

There are very few things that have brightened my day so far. There were two when I started writing this, now there are three.

#1: Brie's old post about how she totally pissed off a Caribou customer. Good f'ing morning indeed.

#2: A story my coworker told me. Her son came back from kindergarten one day and said, "How much money do I have in my college fund?" His mom laughed at him. Then he said, "And another thing. I'm six years old and I haven't been to Japan yet!" So his mom said, "I'm 26 and I haven't either!" Take that, kid. Put that in your hot air balloon and fly to Asia.

#3: As I wrote about being inside a volcano, I remembered the Simpsons episode when Bart calls Australia. When he makes random calls, he calls some area that's full of lava. A house floats by the pay phone, and a guy sitting on the house grabs the phone, but the house keeps floating and he falls in the lava. This call appears on the phone bill as "Disputed Zone." I just want to sit on the couch and watch Simpsons all day.

Merry Christmas to all, and I hope you never have to work a day in your life.

Twin Peaks 2: Eden Prairie

There's this guy I work with who looks just like the one-armed man from Twin Peaks. Except he has glasses and is slightly fattter than the one-armed man. Plus he has two arms. Nonetheless, I am convinced that this is what the one-armed man would look like fiteen years after his appearance on Twin Peaks. Assuming he can regrow arms, that is.

Tonight I look forward to a dream featuring a backwards-talking midget and Laura Palmer's cousin.