Baby Names

The population's increasing, supposedly. If that's actually true, that means that there are going to be more babies that need names. And if naming trends have shown us anything, it's that the old names aren't good enough anymore. Allow me to present the new generation of baby names, which I have modestly titled (and trademarked) The Only Good Names for Your Baby, 2008-????

GIRLS

Seychelles
You may not know, but this is also the name of an archipelago nation off the coast of Africa. But honestly, it sounds enough like "Michelle" that no one will notice. And it still sounds different enough from "Michelle" that people will think your child is adopted from a very exotic country. Please do not try this with any other island nation. It only works with Seychelles because they do not have an extradition treaty with the US.

Laccospadix
It's always great to name your girls after flowers, so why not pick the relatively unheard of flowering palm plant of Australia? The two Greek words that form its name translate to "reservoir" and "spadix."

Death Valley
When you're thinking of naming your girl after a desert, you might land on "Sahara" or "Gobi" long before you'd get to Death Valley. That's why you need a naming guide to help you. Death Valley may not have the pretty sound or romantic sensibility that you'd like to give your daughter, but what it lacks in aesthetics, it makes up for in sheer crushing power. With this name, I guarantee that your daughter will rule her chosen career field with an iron fist to rival the greatest tyrants the world has ever seen.

BOYS

Charlemagne the Great
Don't balk at the idea of giving your child a three-word first name. That's practically more common than "John" or "Michael" these days. And there's no better way to milk all you can from three words than to go with Charlemagne the Great, the glorious moniker of the 8th century French king and Holy Roman Emperor. I might note that adding "the Great" to the name technically makes it redundant, as "magne" means "great," but it even more technically makes it like a billion times more amazing.

Lionfish Are Poisonous
Not only is it hip to use multiple words to name your child, but it's also becoming extremely popular to name them with complete sentences. It's not good to use more than four words, though, or people will think your child is an absolute nutcase. So keep it simple, but be as edgy as possible. Lionfish Are Poisonous is a great name because it references a striped wild animal AND the possibility of death, two of the edgiest topics or categories available. Zebra Assassination Attempt, however, is not a complete sentence.

The Mothership
Honestly, this one only works well with some last names. The Mothership Jones, for instance, sounds like a late 70s arena-rock band, and therefore is awesome. The Mothership Smithson, however, doesn't quite get off the ground. It may still be worth taking the risk because rarely does a single name combine all three essential elements for a boy's name: unlimited power, gender ambiguity, and aliens.