5.14.2008

17th Century Eastern Europe: Lest We Forget

Today is one of those days when I get bored and choose to read about relatively obscure yet moderately interesting events in world history. On this particular morn, I've read about the Ottoman Empire, also known as "the Empire of Large Onion-Shaped Hats."

If he didn't wear that hat at all times, then I can't respect him.
This guy is Suleiman the Magnificent. In my opinion, "Magnificent" is an overstatement. I don't think conquering a good chunk of Eastern Europe is very impressive. History ought to have a little bit more discretion before dropping superlatives like that. Maybe "Suleiman the Onion-Hatted" would have been more accurate.

The best thing about the Ottoman Empire, though, was its loss at the Battle of Vienna in 1683. Like many people throughout history, the present, and surely the future, the Ottomans tried to conquer Austria. At Vienna, they were totally crushed, and it was the beginning of the end for the Empire as a whole. Which may explain why we haven't seen any onion-shaped hats for a while.

Bizarrely, this battle was the source of at least three non-onion-related culinary legends. One: croissants were invented during the celebration following this battle, shaped to resemble the crescents of the defeated Islamic heathens. Two: the victory celebration also saw the invention of the bagel, shaped in the form of a stirrup to represent the triumphant Polish cavalry. However, there is a reference to a similar baked good 70 years earlier that may or may not have been a bagel. Three: upon acquiring much coffee in the battle booty, somebody opened a coffee house in Vienna, and since nobody could stand the bitter taste of coffee in Europe, they added milk and honey, thereby inventing cappuccino.

I've never really liked croissants that much, to be honest.  Too airy.
I'm extremely disappointed that we haven't invented any victory foods in the past several centuries. Why don't we have something like Constitution Cornbread? Or some kind of Mexican-American War specialty? I want to rejoice in the humiliation of my enemies by eating something delicious! Give me liberty and appropriately symbolic snack food or give me death!

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