Kobe, remember when we first met that one time I was in L.A.? I said you were my hero, and you gave me a hug. It was like we were kindred spirits. We went to some fancy restaurant and talked for hours about the planets, and we both wished we could live on Jupiter. We knew we'd be best friends forever.
Kobe, remember when you gave me courtside tickets to one of your games? Jack Nicholson made fun of me, so you punched him in the face. The league tried to suspend you, but you told them that you were standing up for me, so they gave you a medal instead. And Jack doesn't bother me that much anymore.
Kobe, remember when we climbed the Rocky Mountains together? I didn't think I could do it, but you encouraged me, and it kept me going. And then when I broke my leg, you carried me to the top and named the mountain after me.
Kobe, remember when we stole Burt Reynold's boat? You drove it out to international waters, and it was there that you told me you could breathe underwater. I didn't believe you, so you jumped in and you never came back. I stayed in that boat for a week. Thankfully it had a TV, and I watched you play two basketball games. You beat Dallas and Washington by a combined total of 120 points.
Kobe, remember when we were playing hearts with Lisa Leslie and Candace Parker and you shot the moon? That was pretty great.
Kobe, remember when we tried to get in free to Disney Land? They said that you could afford to pay, but you kept saying that you had a deal with Walt. I'm pretty sure they thought you were crazy, and maybe you were, but it was really funny. Then we went back to your place and watched Notting Hill. That was one of the best days of my life.
Kobe, remember when my airplane was taken over my terrorists? You flew straight into the air with a basketball in your hand, and you rescued us. You showed those terrorists that America's greatest athletes don't take their crap lying down, and you turned them into sand with the powers of your mind. And when the pilots passed out, you teleported all of the passengers back to base.
Kobe, remember when the doctors told me I had six months to live? You said they were liars, and you were right. Now all those doctors are homeless.
Kobe, you're the greatest.
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