In Shirt Form

Anybody remember The Hidden Temple? I barely do. It was some Nickelodeon show where kids talked with a giant Aztec idol and fell in water and covered in dirt. It was a great show, I guess, and now it's available in shirt form.

I know I'm going to get one, but I can't decide if I should get more than one. I'm pretty sure I rooted for all of the teams (except the green one--why would you have a green team in the jungle? The jungle is already green!) when the show was on TV, but which was my favorite? The Purple Parrots? I don't think I could wear purple.

You wanna know how I came across this? One of those gmail ads. Apparently, gmail thought Hidden Temple T-shirts had some connection to a discussion about small group. But it's not like we weren't talking about the Hidden Temple. Wait; no, it is exactly like that.


EDIT: Check this out. This is how cool these shirts are.

Dear Nintendo Wii

Dear People Enslaved by Nintendo Wii,

I'm sure you guys get a lot of fan mail about how awesome the Wii is, but I won't bore you with the nonsensical ravings I'm sure you've read before. To be honest, I've never even met a Wii in person, but please do me the kindness of listening to my story.

About six months ago, Guitar Hero II ruined my life, and I haven't played video games since. I spent a month in rehab and another month in the gutter before I finally pulled myself together. As with all people in recovery, I'm always capable of relapse, so I avoid games as much as I can.

However, as a friend told me about Wii Sports, it occurred to me that the Wii could offer the perfect game to allow me to play games without relapsing--a video gamer's O'Doul's, if you will. I call this game Wii Chores. Players can have the options of raking leaves, sweeping the floor, making the bed, folding laundry. The possibilities are endless! It gives all the satisfaction of doing something productive without actually doing any of the work!

I hope that you take me seriously.

Sincerely,
Roboben

The End of Innocence

Two of my good friends over at the Pop Culture Blogulator got married this weekend. It was a doozy of a party, and since I'm 70 years old and a baby, I got tired and left early. But I did get to dance twice, which is the second-most times I've ever danced in one evening.

The weird thing about a wedding, though, is that it's the beginning of a marriage. Most people forget that. A wedding isn't just a dress-up party; it's the union of two souls in one common purpose of uniting against the ever-growing army of the undead. That's what I like most about weddings. They consecrate for us two new warriors for the cause of humanity.

Congrats, Mark and Brigitte, and may God be with you and your fellow marrieds on the battlefields of the damned!

(But seriously, congratulations. Really.)

Lava for Everyone

I'm pretty sure the local volcano erupted this morning. I was driving to work and noticed a bunch of ash flakes flying past the cars. Somebody said it was probably snow, but whoever said that is an idiot.

Thankfully, I haven't seen any lava, so I assume it's all flowing in the opposite direction. Sucks to be Chanhassen, I guess. Maybe they should take a lesson from Jimmy Buffett:

I don't know
I don't know
I don't know where I'm-a gonna go
When the volcano blow.

The man is thinking ahead, at least. That's one up on Chanhassen. And who's the one burning in a deluge of melted rock? It's not Jimmy Buffett, that's for sure.

A World Without Pockets

Hey Everybody,

What if there were no pockets?

Really think about it for a second.



By now you realize what an integral invention the pocket really is. Perhaps more important than the wheel or the printing press. My pockets give me places to hold my wallet, cell phone, and keys. They give young lovers places to put each other's hands so they can discreetly pinch one another's butts. They're altogether miraculous.

If there were no pockets, we would not have money because no one would have any place to put their cash. Instead we would exchange physical beatings for goods and services. A black eye would buy a new blender or toaster. Two broken ribs would earn you a new television. Make it four or five if you want HD.

If there were no pockets, there would be no locks because there would be no convenient place to put your keys. People would hire lions or Ninjas or spaceships to defend their homes against intruders. Of course, those services are billed by the month, the repetitive injury crippling the majority of the population for life.

If there were no pockets, there would be no more children because no one would be able to pinch his or her partner's butt without being too obvious, thus making it impossible to flirt and thereby rendering all sexual attraction moot. The human race would be extinct in one generation.

Let's be thankful that we live in a world not without pockets.

Human Government

Yesterday I read about a few British laws that the British public voted to be the most absurd in their country. A few examples:

-It is illegal to die in Parliament.
-It is illegal for a woman to be topless in a certain city UNLESS she works as a clerk in a pet shop.
-It is treasonous to paste a postage stamp bearing the monarch upside-down.
-If someone knocks on your door requesting to use your toilet, by law you must allow them. I think that's only in Scotland. AND it is perfectly legal for a pregnant woman to relieve herself anywhere she likes, including--and this is specifically noted in the legal code--inside a policeman's helmet.

I, for one, am grateful that these were written and remain codified. Absurd as they may be, they're necessary for keeping the peace. I hear order is very fragile in Britain, and without these laws, I'm sure their society would just fall apart.

Can you imagine a Britain where non-pet shop clerks walked around topless? It would be anarchy! And what if we weren't allowed access to any Scottish toilet we wanted? Surely their streets would reek of urine to the heavens! Indeed, surely they must once have reeked of urine, which, I assume, is why that law was written. Then again, as I recall the smell of Scotland, the people must not be aware of this law.

The British clearly understand how government works. Yet another reason we were better off under their sober and even-handed rule. Hail Britannia! Arriba!

Sobering Reality

I've heard about a lot of amazingly crappy things today. I work with amazingly crappy things on a daily basis, but something today made it real for me. These things, a lot of people are going to end up hurt really bad, and a lot of them already are hurting really bad. This world is an incredibly broken place, and so much of the time we can convince ourselves that it's not that bad. But it is that bad.

It's not poverty, and it's not AIDS, and it's not unjust war, though all of those are bad. It's the stuff that happens to people, the stuff that we can attach a face or a name to. It's not all evil. Some of it just starts with stupid decisions, but it ends of doing real harm to innocent people. It may be easier for us not to think about it--I know it's easier for me--but I'm not sure that it's better.

So please pray. Everybody needs our prayers.

Bombs Away

On my drive to work, I drive under an unusually politically active overpass. Today, instead of promoting candidates for the election, they were anti-promoting terrorism. Their message: DON'T BOMB IRAN.

That's all well and good, but I think they're a little misdirected. I'm not the one they should be talking to. I'm not going to bomb Iran.

But even if I was going to bomb Iran, what business is it of theirs? They're not the boss of me. They can't tell me who I can and can't bomb. My relationship with Iran is between me and Iran. I appreciate their concern, sort of, but maybe they should get to know me a little better before they start telling me how to manage my foreign affairs.

Also, shouldn't these people have jobs? Telling people not to bomb Iran isn't free.

A World Without Writers

Television writers went on strike today, dooming all of us TV-watching idiots to an indefinite state of confusion and panic. Most of our shows will make it another couple weeks or so, but then come the reruns, and soon after, chaos. As a culture, we Americans can only take so much recycled entertainment programming before we resort to looting and cannibalism, I assume.

The first shows to go will be late nite comedy. We'll turn on Leno tonight only to discover the Judge Ito dancers, and once we realize that we have not traveled back in time 10-15 years, we'll immediately go bald or start shooting lasers from our ears. Get used to it, America, because without our beloved television writers, this is what we have to deal with. So be careful not to aim your ear lasers at your loved ones.

Of course there's Regis & Kelly, which has no writers, and According to Jim, which will somehow continue to be produced without writing, to keep our brains occupied. Then again, this will most likely make matters worse.

Edward R. Murrow told us television would destroy society. I think he might be surprised to find out that it's actually the lack of television that will be our downfall. If he wasn't a communist, I think he'd laugh a little.

Betrayed by Leprechauns

These leprechauns are driving me bananas.

It all started on Friday. They were nice at first, giving me candy and convincing me to play games with them and stuff, and it was great. I thought I'd have a bright future with my new best friends the leprechauns. We'd eat nothing but candy and do nothing but play games forever!

But then after I passed out from eating too much candy, the leprechauns ruined everything. They gave me a whole lot of work to do, but they ripped up all the papers so I couldn't read them, and they smeared my office with goose crap and even got some in my hair, and they turned over the garbage can. When I woke up, they said that the didn't know what happened. One of them said that I did it in my sleep.

So now I have all this work to do that I don't understand, and I'm still sick from all the candy we ate this weekend. I don't want to work at all, and these leprechauns still won't leave me alone. I told them I don't want any more of their candy, and I knocked over their backgammon board, but they keep bothering me. And now they're throwing backgammon chips at my head.

You know one good thing about leprechauns, though? You can drop kick 'em really far. Or at least I think you can. We'll find out shortly.

Computer Incompetence

There are lots of ways to separate the weak from the strong in a corporate office. Jousting. Scavenger hunts. Who can survive in a tank full of bees the longest. Who can eat the most bees in an hour. Home run derby.

We're all familiar with those contests, but apparently my company is slightly more devious. They decided to switch our computers from Windows 2000 to Windows XP. The one lesson we can learn from this "migration" is that old people don't know how computers work. I'll give them a little grace because they're old, and one day I'll be old too and I won't remember what a toolbar is.

In nature, this is why they have lions. The idiots get picked off and gored so they don't slow down the rest of the herd. So what we need is something for which the lions can be an appropriate metaphor. Or maybe we just need lions. That'd be easier, probably.

In my opinion, we should have gone the bee-eating route.

Flu Shot Spectacular

Today is free flu shot day for my company. The line is long, as corporate America and fear of terrorism have duped many of my coworkers into taking the vaccination plunge. From what I understand of human psychology, people don't really understand how healthy a flu shot is. They just think anything that involves sticking a needle in your arm must be a good thing.

Well, in the interests of promoting public health, I did some research on the real effectiveness of flu shots to dispel all the rumors and brainwashing. And since wikipedia had nothing of interest to offer besides a picture of a Navy officer who got rabies or schizophrenia from the vaccine, all my information comes from up here (I'm pointing to my brain as I type that).

Welcome to your medical education.

FACT: The flu shot is not just water, though it tastes like salt water.
FACT: According to the American Lung Association, the flu shot will not kill you.
FACT: Old people will still receive their social security checks if they do not get their flu shot.
FACT: Even criminals on death row are allowed to get the flu shot.
FACT: When the flu shot supply runs out, there are no more flu shots.
FACT: The flu vaccine is transparent.

MYTH: The flu shot will turn you into a fire-breathing dragon.
MYTH: You will definitely die if you do not get the flu shot. (That's actually kind of true, though.)
MYTH: The flu shot is actually a mind-control device.
MYTH: The flu shot will end all your suffering and bring you eternal happiness.
MYTH: In light of the imminent apocalypse, whether you get a flu shot does not matter.
MYTH: The flu shot does not actually exist.