Employable Ben is back! Just like the real Ben before him!
Looks like we're in for a good mystery in the life of Employable Ben. I should know. Because it's me.
11.29.2007
11.28.2007
A World Gone Wrong
The United Nations just released its Human Development Index (and I would link to it, but I don't feel like linking anything today). Apparently, this ranks countries on how desirable it is to live there. The major criteria seem to be real estate values and the percent of the population with mad cow disease. Just like everything else the UN does, I don't understand it.
I'm going to avoid the majority of the innumerable absurdities of this list (People prefer Canada over Ireland? Has the whole world gone insane?) and jump straight to Africa. As if the continent didn't have it bad enough already, now it's statistically documented that it's the worst place to live in the world. Heck, if they rated the sun as a place to live, Africa would still lose. There's no AIDS epidemic on the sun.
What's weirdest, though, is the bizarre nationalism that every country takes up in response to this. Nigeria's newspaper has a headline declaring that Nigeria ranks 158th (out of something like 175), which is one step up from last year. The Malta Independent touts Malta's 34 ranking, and the article's a lot more self-important about it than Nigeria's (understandably, I guess). Nepal's headline announced it's 142 spot, but it saves face by justifying it's 6-place drop as a "statistical adjustment."
I just wasted everybody's time, didn't I?
I'm going to avoid the majority of the innumerable absurdities of this list (People prefer Canada over Ireland? Has the whole world gone insane?) and jump straight to Africa. As if the continent didn't have it bad enough already, now it's statistically documented that it's the worst place to live in the world. Heck, if they rated the sun as a place to live, Africa would still lose. There's no AIDS epidemic on the sun.
What's weirdest, though, is the bizarre nationalism that every country takes up in response to this. Nigeria's newspaper has a headline declaring that Nigeria ranks 158th (out of something like 175), which is one step up from last year. The Malta Independent touts Malta's 34 ranking, and the article's a lot more self-important about it than Nigeria's (understandably, I guess). Nepal's headline announced it's 142 spot, but it saves face by justifying it's 6-place drop as a "statistical adjustment."
I just wasted everybody's time, didn't I?
Gingerbread House
I just ate some delicious gingerbread cake and gingersnaps, and never have I been so glad that I do not live in a gingerbread house. The nice thing about living in a house made of whatever it is real houses are made of is that they can't be eaten.
Not that I would eat an edible house. I would just be worried that it wouldn't hold up in the elements. The rain would corrode the walls, and the roof would leak like crazy. I can't imagine it'd retain heat very well even with the cotton candy insulation. I can see why that crazy lady from Hansel and Gretel wanted to build her house out of baked children.
Let's be honest, though. If I didn't eat my house, the dogs would. So I would most definitely eat it. That'll show those stupid dogs who's boss.
Not that I would eat an edible house. I would just be worried that it wouldn't hold up in the elements. The rain would corrode the walls, and the roof would leak like crazy. I can't imagine it'd retain heat very well even with the cotton candy insulation. I can see why that crazy lady from Hansel and Gretel wanted to build her house out of baked children.
Let's be honest, though. If I didn't eat my house, the dogs would. So I would most definitely eat it. That'll show those stupid dogs who's boss.
11.27.2007
The Ice Age
There are only two or three things I hate more than cold, and I can only remember one of them right now (it's Starship). Today the cold is making a move to take over that top spot. This is nature's payback for the groundhog not seeing his shadow last February.
On freezing days like these, people like to laugh at Al Gore for this whole "global warming" hoo ha. I have no problem with laughter, but we have a serious problem here, and it has nothing to do with the planet getting warmer. Or maybe it does. How would I know? I'm no Paul Douglas.
Enough talk. People are freezing to death. Check out what happened to this cowboy I know:
We need to look at how people survived the Ice Age or there's no way that we'll make it through this week. I'm gonna get my hands on as many woolly elephant pelts as I can find and hole up in that igloo until April. I'll see you in the spring, or, assuming one of us doesn't make it, never again.
On freezing days like these, people like to laugh at Al Gore for this whole "global warming" hoo ha. I have no problem with laughter, but we have a serious problem here, and it has nothing to do with the planet getting warmer. Or maybe it does. How would I know? I'm no Paul Douglas.
Enough talk. People are freezing to death. Check out what happened to this cowboy I know:
We need to look at how people survived the Ice Age or there's no way that we'll make it through this week. I'm gonna get my hands on as many woolly elephant pelts as I can find and hole up in that igloo until April. I'll see you in the spring, or, assuming one of us doesn't make it, never again.
11.26.2007
5-0-0
I'm pretty sure this is post 500. That's not really a testament to anything. I know a lot of people who've posted more times than that. Good for them. So what distinguishes me from the rest of the pack?
A 500 ft monument.
Or it will distinguish me once it's finished. The slaves have been quite a bit behind schedule, what with the early winter. I think they're taking me less seriously as a slave-driver since I never follow through on my threats to take away their breakfast. I can't help that I love making pancakes!
Here's a picture of the site.
Just imagine an enormous statue of 60 penguins stacked on top of each other right where those haystacks are.
A 500 ft monument.
Or it will distinguish me once it's finished. The slaves have been quite a bit behind schedule, what with the early winter. I think they're taking me less seriously as a slave-driver since I never follow through on my threats to take away their breakfast. I can't help that I love making pancakes!
Here's a picture of the site.
Just imagine an enormous statue of 60 penguins stacked on top of each other right where those haystacks are.
Et Tu, Alarm Clock?
This weekend was great in at least one way: sleeping in for four straight days. Not one day did I wake up before 9. It was, to put it modestly, excellent in every imaginable way. Sleeping in is like winning 20 gold medals in a single Olympics. It's like being elected president of every prosperous nation and never having to deal with any problems. It's like living on the moon, if the moon was a lush paradise of a planet instead of a harsh, deadly wasteland.
But with every long weekend comes the inevitable Monday (or in the case of Memorial Day, the inevitable Tuesday), and that Monday is today. I knew it was coming, and I thought I was prepared. But I did not expect my horrid alarm clock to go off. By the second shrill beep, my spirit was crushed. It was as if God was sounding the trumpet of Judgment Day. Actually, it wasn't like that at all, but I was really annoyed that I had to get up about 3 hours earlier than I had any of the past four days.
So now I don't have an alarm clock anymore. That's right, I smashed it. I would say I have no regrets, but that line is taken. Plus I have several regrets.
But with every long weekend comes the inevitable Monday (or in the case of Memorial Day, the inevitable Tuesday), and that Monday is today. I knew it was coming, and I thought I was prepared. But I did not expect my horrid alarm clock to go off. By the second shrill beep, my spirit was crushed. It was as if God was sounding the trumpet of Judgment Day. Actually, it wasn't like that at all, but I was really annoyed that I had to get up about 3 hours earlier than I had any of the past four days.
So now I don't have an alarm clock anymore. That's right, I smashed it. I would say I have no regrets, but that line is taken. Plus I have several regrets.
11.21.2007
Invisible Thanksgiving
This morning, my friend Lee and I got together for breakfast. We mostly talked about invisibility. We both concluded that we wanted to be invisible for Thanksgiving.
Unfortunately, since Thanksgiving is less than 30 hours away, I don't have enough time to bake my traditional invisibility turkey. Somebody suggested deep frying it, but deep-fried invisibility turkey doesn't work. Well, the invisibility part works, but the deep frier does something to the formula that makes you really sick. So you'll end up being invisible by the toilet all day, which is definitely not as much fun as being invisible at the zoo or Cuba.
So to be invisible this Thanksgiving, I'm going to have to go use some more primitive methods. Either I need to swallow ten to twenty pounds of tin foil, or I need to beat a 5-foot-3, 165-pound living retired Mongolian basketball player in a game of chess. I should probably do both just to be safe.
Unfortunately, since Thanksgiving is less than 30 hours away, I don't have enough time to bake my traditional invisibility turkey. Somebody suggested deep frying it, but deep-fried invisibility turkey doesn't work. Well, the invisibility part works, but the deep frier does something to the formula that makes you really sick. So you'll end up being invisible by the toilet all day, which is definitely not as much fun as being invisible at the zoo or Cuba.
So to be invisible this Thanksgiving, I'm going to have to go use some more primitive methods. Either I need to swallow ten to twenty pounds of tin foil, or I need to beat a 5-foot-3, 165-pound living retired Mongolian basketball player in a game of chess. I should probably do both just to be safe.
11.20.2007
The Best Movie of the Century
I would have said the best movie of the millenium, and it would have meant the same thing, but that seemed like an overstatement.
No, I am not talking about Napoleon Dynamite. I am also not talking about Titanic, as that came out in the previous century. I am talking about Southland Tales.
This is not a film for everyone. It is especially not for people who only like good movies. It is also not for people who only like movies that make sense. Furthermore, it stars The Rock, Sarah Michelle Gellar, and Stifler.
How can I label such a film "the Best Movie of the Century"? I don't know. But I have to. Some people might compare this movie to a train wreck, but a train wreck is an ugly disaster. This movie is more like a fire in a Beverly Hills penthouse. It's destroying all the expensive, beautiful things and people, and in a way, that's more beautiful than the penthouse was before.
I highly suggest you see this movie, but I take no responsibility for that recommendation.
No, I am not talking about Napoleon Dynamite. I am also not talking about Titanic, as that came out in the previous century. I am talking about Southland Tales.
This is not a film for everyone. It is especially not for people who only like good movies. It is also not for people who only like movies that make sense. Furthermore, it stars The Rock, Sarah Michelle Gellar, and Stifler.
How can I label such a film "the Best Movie of the Century"? I don't know. But I have to. Some people might compare this movie to a train wreck, but a train wreck is an ugly disaster. This movie is more like a fire in a Beverly Hills penthouse. It's destroying all the expensive, beautiful things and people, and in a way, that's more beautiful than the penthouse was before.
I highly suggest you see this movie, but I take no responsibility for that recommendation.
11.19.2007
All Y'all Whack Emcees
Here's a song I wrote while listening to a guy sing songs that I wished were all about whack emcees. It's called "All Y'all Whack Emcees (Don't Get It (But That's OK))."
All y'all whack emcees, listen up to what I have to say.
In the game of hip hop, there is only one way to play.
And there are also some other ways, and I can dig them too,
And then there's you, oh yeah, you play the whack way.
Hey there, whack emcees. You're whack.
Whack. Wiggity whack. Wiggity wiggity whack.
Y'all whack emcees don't get it, but that's OK.
Everybody keeps hating on you whack emcees, all right.
They're up there on stage hating on you every night.
And they're not whack, oh no, they're not whack at all.
But you are, apparently, oh yeah, oh yeah, whack emcees.
Wiggity wiggity whack.
Wiggity wiggity whack.
All y'all whack emcees don't get it, oh yeah.
Y'all don't get it, and I guess that's OK.
Oh, y'all whack emcees, you oughtta wise up some.
The other rappers be hating you because you're so dumb.
You need to be loved just like the rest of us,
So you shold probably stop being a whack emcee right now.
Oh, y'all whack emcees,
You're so whack, a-wiggity wiggity.
Y'all whack emcees,
You don't get it, and it's not OK anymore.
Hey now, let's slow it down.
One day you whack emcees gonna grow up,
Y'all gonna be daddies, gonna have babies,
And then it ain't gonna be such a great idea
To pour champagne all over those laides.
Gonna have to take care of your babies,
Gonna have to get a real job, ooooh ooooh!
Better let go of that mike and hold your baby,
Cuz rocking that mike won't feed your baby.
Holding that mike and not your baby,
Your baby's gonna be a whack emcee like you!
All y'all whack emcees, listen up to what I have to say.
In the game of hip hop, there is only one way to play.
And there are also some other ways, and I can dig them too,
And then there's you, oh yeah, you play the whack way.
Hey there, whack emcees. You're whack.
Whack. Wiggity whack. Wiggity wiggity whack.
Y'all whack emcees don't get it, but that's OK.
Everybody keeps hating on you whack emcees, all right.
They're up there on stage hating on you every night.
And they're not whack, oh no, they're not whack at all.
But you are, apparently, oh yeah, oh yeah, whack emcees.
Wiggity wiggity whack.
Wiggity wiggity whack.
All y'all whack emcees don't get it, oh yeah.
Y'all don't get it, and I guess that's OK.
Oh, y'all whack emcees, you oughtta wise up some.
The other rappers be hating you because you're so dumb.
You need to be loved just like the rest of us,
So you shold probably stop being a whack emcee right now.
Oh, y'all whack emcees,
You're so whack, a-wiggity wiggity.
Y'all whack emcees,
You don't get it, and it's not OK anymore.
Hey now, let's slow it down.
One day you whack emcees gonna grow up,
Y'all gonna be daddies, gonna have babies,
And then it ain't gonna be such a great idea
To pour champagne all over those laides.
Gonna have to take care of your babies,
Gonna have to get a real job, ooooh ooooh!
Better let go of that mike and hold your baby,
Cuz rocking that mike won't feed your baby.
Holding that mike and not your baby,
Your baby's gonna be a whack emcee like you!
11.16.2007
Vitamin-C-Induced Hallucinations
I'm about to take a serious overdose of Vitamin C. About 1,000 miligrams. That's one whole gram. Hopefully, this will prevent me from getting sick. But the main reason I'm having it is because I'm bored and I'm hoping it'll make the last hour more interesting. Here goes.
10 minutes later...
On the walk to the copier, my legs felt long and stretchy. I imagined myself wearing one of those tall, striped hats. The copier itself, however, was less than thrilling. It produced the 36 copies I asked for in excellent form. Now that I'm back at my desk, I feel slightly less fulfilled than before.
2 minutes after that...
I've discovered numerous mistakes that I've made before I took the vitamin C. It would seem that I am actually a more effective employee under the influence. However, I refuse to correct any of those mistakes.
Also, vitamin C does not make my hands any less cold and dry. Does this building have heat? No wonder I'm getting a cold.
15 additional minutes later...
If I ever quit this job, I've got to go out with a bang. So here's the plan. My last day, I'm gonna make three or four different fake treasure maps and give them to my coworkers. And I'll give 'em a note that explains how you have to decipher a series of clues to get to the treasure, but when you find it, you have to dig it up because it's buried. And while they're out hunting for the fake treasure, I'll take everything that's in alphabetical order and mix it up. Then I'll see what I can do about filling the office with llamas and balloons.
30 minutes into the future from now...
I'll fall asleep while driving on some side street and coast to a stop in the middle of an intersection right in front of the local marching band. Hopefully they'll carry me home in their tubas.
10 minutes later...
On the walk to the copier, my legs felt long and stretchy. I imagined myself wearing one of those tall, striped hats. The copier itself, however, was less than thrilling. It produced the 36 copies I asked for in excellent form. Now that I'm back at my desk, I feel slightly less fulfilled than before.
2 minutes after that...
I've discovered numerous mistakes that I've made before I took the vitamin C. It would seem that I am actually a more effective employee under the influence. However, I refuse to correct any of those mistakes.
Also, vitamin C does not make my hands any less cold and dry. Does this building have heat? No wonder I'm getting a cold.
15 additional minutes later...
If I ever quit this job, I've got to go out with a bang. So here's the plan. My last day, I'm gonna make three or four different fake treasure maps and give them to my coworkers. And I'll give 'em a note that explains how you have to decipher a series of clues to get to the treasure, but when you find it, you have to dig it up because it's buried. And while they're out hunting for the fake treasure, I'll take everything that's in alphabetical order and mix it up. Then I'll see what I can do about filling the office with llamas and balloons.
30 minutes into the future from now...
I'll fall asleep while driving on some side street and coast to a stop in the middle of an intersection right in front of the local marching band. Hopefully they'll carry me home in their tubas.
Get Low
I am shrinking. Well, not shrinking, but getting shorter. Shrinking implies that I'm getting smaller all around, but I'm only losing height. That's totally different. And I guess shrinking also implies that it's a continuing thing, but that's not true either. This was a one-time, two-inches-shorter-than-I-used-to-be deal.
Actually, maybe the world is just getting bigger than me. No, that's not it, because when I stop slouching the world goes back to its regular size. I guess it's better not to slouch--I don't want back problems. I'll need to be able to stand up as straight as possible so that no one notices I'm short now.
Next time you see me, try not to act surprised. I'm really sensitive about this.
Actually, maybe the world is just getting bigger than me. No, that's not it, because when I stop slouching the world goes back to its regular size. I guess it's better not to slouch--I don't want back problems. I'll need to be able to stand up as straight as possible so that no one notices I'm short now.
Next time you see me, try not to act surprised. I'm really sensitive about this.
11.15.2007
An Independent Vermont
Vermont has officially dropped more than 10 places on my list of the 50 states in order of favorites. It now resides at #41, between Idaho and Utah. Why?
About a month ago I heard that Vermont wanted to secede from the union. That's definitely one of the most absurd ideas I've ever heard. You're fed up with corporations and the Iraq War, so you're going to secede? Seriously? Vermont is like the Liberia of the U.S.--war torn, unable to sustain itself economically or politically, notorious for human rights violations, and greatly lacking in airports. Knowing that, they're still willing to make a go of it? Moronic as it seems, we may as well let them give it a shot. It'd be fun to watch.
Within one year as an idependent nation, Montpelier will be ashes and rubble, and the people will be forced to live in abandoned department stores. Then there'll be the drug trafficking, the arms build-up, the stray animals and rampant disease. It'll all lead up to the pathetic low of an alliance with Canada.
If I were New Hampshire, I'd be scared out of my mind.
About a month ago I heard that Vermont wanted to secede from the union. That's definitely one of the most absurd ideas I've ever heard. You're fed up with corporations and the Iraq War, so you're going to secede? Seriously? Vermont is like the Liberia of the U.S.--war torn, unable to sustain itself economically or politically, notorious for human rights violations, and greatly lacking in airports. Knowing that, they're still willing to make a go of it? Moronic as it seems, we may as well let them give it a shot. It'd be fun to watch.
Within one year as an idependent nation, Montpelier will be ashes and rubble, and the people will be forced to live in abandoned department stores. Then there'll be the drug trafficking, the arms build-up, the stray animals and rampant disease. It'll all lead up to the pathetic low of an alliance with Canada.
If I were New Hampshire, I'd be scared out of my mind.
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