With the election one week away and most voters unaware of who's running or what they're about, I've risen to my civic duty to educate the public. And as with most of my civic duties, I will not take this seriously.
For those you not in Minneapolis, you can still learn from the votronic lessons I am about to teach.
You all know about your senate and governor candidates and crap. Those aren't important. But you don't know about who's running for Soil and Water Supervisor or who's doomed to be re-elected to the Apellate Courts. So here's everything you need to know!
Note: These are all taken from the ballot in my precinct and probably do not apply to the rest of you wonderful citizens!
Soil and Water Supervisor in District 2
The ballot as given on the internet says all these candidates are non-partisan, so it's like choosing which kind of unflavored oatmeal you want. Your options are Dan Flo, Phil Willkie, and Ernest K. Lehmann, and none of them offer any information about themselves. Usually I'd pick my guy by who has the most interesting name, but the only interesting name here is too weird. I'll be excercising my write-in option. Please join me in electing Glen Mason.
Soil and Water Supervisor in District 4
This race belongs to John Crampton. Or maybe Steven Jenkins. Just please do not vote for Ryan Wilson. He graduated from Edina (strike one) a year after me (strike two), and he looks doughy (strike three). Also, his most recent job was at a grocery store, so I'm pretty sure he's running as a joke.
Judge for Appeals Court 11
Interesting Minnesota tradition: since the inception of the appeals court in 1983, all appeals judges have been appointed and have to run for re-election for the following term. I assume that's why the vast majority of these guys run unopposed. Dan Griffith, however, opposes incumbent Christopher J. Dietzen and could be the first person elected to this position instead of being appointed. Of course, no one cares.
Judge for 4th District Court 44
I actually sort of care about this race because challenger Dee Rowe graduated from University of Wisconsin-Madison law school.
That's it for actual races, but I would like to encourage all of you to use the following write-in names for candidates who are running unopposed:
JUDGE - COURT OF APPEALS 6: Nigel Tufnel
JUDGE - COURT OF APPEALS 7: David St. Hubbins
JUDGE - COURT OF APPEALS 12: Derek Smalls
JUDGE -4TH DISTRICT COURT 6: Seymour Butz
JUDGE -4TH DISTRICT COURT 16: The Keebler Elves
JUDGE -4TH DISTRICT COURT 17: Mars, god of war
JUDGE -4TH DISTRICT COURT 22: Back to the Future
JUDGE -4TH DISTRICT COURT 35: Kit (the car from Knight Rider)
JUDGE -4TH DISTRICT COURT 39: I know you are, but what am I?
JUDGE -4TH DISTRICT COURT 40: Takes one to know one
JUDGE -4TH DISTRICT COURT 45: Lead
JUDGE -4TH DISTRICT COURT 50: Churches
JUDGE -4TH DISTRICT COURT 52: Very small stones
JUDGE -4TH DISTRICT COURT 55: A duck
10.31.2006
Happy Hallowhen Can I Leave?
When I was drunk in college, I liked Halloween. For the months leading up to Halloween this year, I hated Halloween. Today I'm indifferent.
My attitude toward Halloween changed when somebody at work suggested that we all wear Casual Friday costumes, also known as jeans. I took it one step further and wore a hoodie. I still don't like the idea of Casual Friday, but I like that I don't have to wear stupid khakis. To make matters better, nobody noticed that we're all wearing jeans, so I might just wear jeans tomorrow too.
Other cadidates for the title of this post:
Happy Hallowaste of Time
Happy Hallowhat?
Happy Hallowant Some Popcorn?
Happy Hallowait Here While I Bring the Car Around
Happy Hallowax Museum
My attitude toward Halloween changed when somebody at work suggested that we all wear Casual Friday costumes, also known as jeans. I took it one step further and wore a hoodie. I still don't like the idea of Casual Friday, but I like that I don't have to wear stupid khakis. To make matters better, nobody noticed that we're all wearing jeans, so I might just wear jeans tomorrow too.
Other cadidates for the title of this post:
Happy Hallowaste of Time
Happy Hallowhat?
Happy Hallowant Some Popcorn?
Happy Hallowait Here While I Bring the Car Around
Happy Hallowax Museum
10.30.2006
Public Relations
It finally happened. Reese Witherspoon and Ryan Phillippe broke up. I saw it coming. We all knew from the beginning that she was too good for him. When they had a kid, I thought for a while that they might make. I thought they'd prove to the world that some Hollywood couples can stay together. So much for having faith in movie stars.
The most interesting part of this for me, though, is that their publicist made the announcement of their separation. That seems a little weird, a little artificial; and what if the publicist just decided to mess with people? If I was a publicist, I think I'd do that every now and then.
But this got me thinking. What personal information would I prefer to disseminate through my publicist? Here's a list of candidate bits:
-my new allergies
-my fantasy football record
-my dog's death (only if he died of natural causes)
-when I'm going to the zoo
-the fact that I didn't go to the zoo when my publicist said I would
-the kind of tea that I am currently drinking
-how well I slept last night
-words that I like
I feel like these are all important enough for everyone to know but too sensitive for me to share with everyone myself.
What would you have your publicist say about you?
The most interesting part of this for me, though, is that their publicist made the announcement of their separation. That seems a little weird, a little artificial; and what if the publicist just decided to mess with people? If I was a publicist, I think I'd do that every now and then.
But this got me thinking. What personal information would I prefer to disseminate through my publicist? Here's a list of candidate bits:
-my new allergies
-my fantasy football record
-my dog's death (only if he died of natural causes)
-when I'm going to the zoo
-the fact that I didn't go to the zoo when my publicist said I would
-the kind of tea that I am currently drinking
-how well I slept last night
-words that I like
I feel like these are all important enough for everyone to know but too sensitive for me to share with everyone myself.
What would you have your publicist say about you?
10.27.2006
Tried to Post This Yesterday
Aren't elephants cool?
This guy's from Africa:
And this one's from 'Nam:
I don't really have anything to say about elephants. Um...they can crush things. Oh, here's a joke: what time is it when an elephant sits on your fence? Time to get a new fence! I think there's also a joke about elephants and hot chocolate.
This guy's from Africa:
And this one's from 'Nam:
I don't really have anything to say about elephants. Um...they can crush things. Oh, here's a joke: what time is it when an elephant sits on your fence? Time to get a new fence! I think there's also a joke about elephants and hot chocolate.
10.24.2006
Life-Changing Event #2
As of twenty minutes ago, I no longer have internet or television reception in my house. I am free, free from the shackles of entertainment and distraction (though I do still have 800 CDs and a large number of movies and TV shows on DVD)!
This was mostly about me saving $60 a month, but I feel like it means more than that. Maybe it means I can do something more with my life than sit on a chair or a couch. I am excited to take advantage of that opportunity.
So now it's like I traveled back in time to the 1920s, though I'd need one of those giant radios to complete the illusion. And then driving to work every day would be like traveling forward in time some 80 years. That would put some strain on the brain. I wonder if I can take it.
This was mostly about me saving $60 a month, but I feel like it means more than that. Maybe it means I can do something more with my life than sit on a chair or a couch. I am excited to take advantage of that opportunity.
So now it's like I traveled back in time to the 1920s, though I'd need one of those giant radios to complete the illusion. And then driving to work every day would be like traveling forward in time some 80 years. That would put some strain on the brain. I wonder if I can take it.
10.23.2006
It Is Done
I finished writing my book.
It took two years, and now it's done. A complete story spanning 158 single-spaced pages in Word.
I still have to read it over and make some minor adjustments, but the story is done. The book is done.
I remember when I finished my thesis a year ago. It was a very similar feeling. It's like giving birth (minus the physical everything), I imagine. You spend so much time with this thing inside of you, and when it's out, you feel simultaneously like a better, stronger person and like you're missing something.
But the point is it's done.
It took two years, and now it's done. A complete story spanning 158 single-spaced pages in Word.
I still have to read it over and make some minor adjustments, but the story is done. The book is done.
I remember when I finished my thesis a year ago. It was a very similar feeling. It's like giving birth (minus the physical everything), I imagine. You spend so much time with this thing inside of you, and when it's out, you feel simultaneously like a better, stronger person and like you're missing something.
But the point is it's done.
10.21.2006
Once-in-a-Lifetime Late-Nite Post
It is nearly 1:30 AM, and I have just arrived home from a triumphant conversation that I must share with the world.
On the drive back from Jodi's house, Corey, Kia and I began a simple conversation about Thai food and how Corey likes it. Then I make my random comment as follows: "I think you can understand a person's development by which variety of Asian food they prefer." Much laughter ensued before we got serious and realized this statement is true.
Let's explore.
People in general enjoy different varieties of Asian foods. There's your Thai, your Vietnamese, your standard Chinese, your Japanese, and your more obscure Mongolian (I'm sorry, we have to exclude Indian because it's a separate subcontinent and a somewhat unrelated taste). It seems that one prefers one variety over another at different stages of life, as each variety thus illustrates that a person is at a specific point of development.*
Here is what we concluded**:
Vietnamese: childhood. It's a generally mild flavor, often sweet, and easily appealing to the undeveloped and immature palate. It goes down easily and presents very little challenge to the digestive system.
Chinese: adolescent. It's one step above Vietnamese as it gets slightly more bitter and textured. The flavor still lacks the fullness of much Asian cuisine, but it opens one's taste up to further development.
Thai: young adult/twenties. The adventurousness of the food coincides with the adventurousness of the individual. The food is not only more spicy, but the flavor is also more robust, vibrant, and varied. It is very similar to the difficult but ultimately fulfilling road to adulthood.
Sushi/Japanese: adult. This is more sophisticated and calm to coincide with the settled or settling mindset of the adult. The restaurants are often more subdued as well. The food befits a very advanced palate and digestive system and often requires a well-traveled eater.
Buffet: senior citizen. We are all familiar with the Chinese buffet, and though it is a necessary part of our diet at any age, it does not become the signature of one's Asian eating until the taste for more authentic food has long since disappeared. The lamp-heated, plastic-looking chicken probably reflects how our seniors feel.
We performed the same experiment with varieties of Mexican restaurant with similar results (children don't eat Mexican, adolescents begin with Taco Bell, young adults graduate to Chipotle/Qdoba, adults end up at Don Pablo's). I may not be a sociologist, but I'd say this discovery is groundbreaking. Bring on the Nobel Prize!
*This is not to say that if a person eats one of these kinds that they are at that level. It goes by general preference. For instance, I may eat Vietnamese, but I prefer Thai.
**The following does not apply to Asian people.
On the drive back from Jodi's house, Corey, Kia and I began a simple conversation about Thai food and how Corey likes it. Then I make my random comment as follows: "I think you can understand a person's development by which variety of Asian food they prefer." Much laughter ensued before we got serious and realized this statement is true.
Let's explore.
People in general enjoy different varieties of Asian foods. There's your Thai, your Vietnamese, your standard Chinese, your Japanese, and your more obscure Mongolian (I'm sorry, we have to exclude Indian because it's a separate subcontinent and a somewhat unrelated taste). It seems that one prefers one variety over another at different stages of life, as each variety thus illustrates that a person is at a specific point of development.*
Here is what we concluded**:
Vietnamese: childhood. It's a generally mild flavor, often sweet, and easily appealing to the undeveloped and immature palate. It goes down easily and presents very little challenge to the digestive system.
Chinese: adolescent. It's one step above Vietnamese as it gets slightly more bitter and textured. The flavor still lacks the fullness of much Asian cuisine, but it opens one's taste up to further development.
Thai: young adult/twenties. The adventurousness of the food coincides with the adventurousness of the individual. The food is not only more spicy, but the flavor is also more robust, vibrant, and varied. It is very similar to the difficult but ultimately fulfilling road to adulthood.
Sushi/Japanese: adult. This is more sophisticated and calm to coincide with the settled or settling mindset of the adult. The restaurants are often more subdued as well. The food befits a very advanced palate and digestive system and often requires a well-traveled eater.
Buffet: senior citizen. We are all familiar with the Chinese buffet, and though it is a necessary part of our diet at any age, it does not become the signature of one's Asian eating until the taste for more authentic food has long since disappeared. The lamp-heated, plastic-looking chicken probably reflects how our seniors feel.
We performed the same experiment with varieties of Mexican restaurant with similar results (children don't eat Mexican, adolescents begin with Taco Bell, young adults graduate to Chipotle/Qdoba, adults end up at Don Pablo's). I may not be a sociologist, but I'd say this discovery is groundbreaking. Bring on the Nobel Prize!
*This is not to say that if a person eats one of these kinds that they are at that level. It goes by general preference. For instance, I may eat Vietnamese, but I prefer Thai.
**The following does not apply to Asian people.
10.19.2006
An American Halloween
According to a bunch of idiots, pirate costumes are going to be hot sellers this year. I'm disappointed. Are there no better ideas out there? Is our culture so depleted, so dull and uncreative that we have to rely on pirates to wow our friends and neighbors?
Probably.
Probably.
How I Found This Picture of a Cake
As you may have guessed by looking at this picture, I'm very bored today. What you may not know, though, is how I found it. To be honest, I'm not too sure either. I just started clicking on random links through wikipedia. I don't know what I started with, then I got to radioactivity, then something, then something else, then fractions. I probably could have continued and ended up with the Bronx Zoo, but I liked this picture a lot. Mostly cuz it's ugly, and those quarters are uneven.
This gives me an idea for a new game: see how long it takes me to get to the Bronx Zoo from random starting points on wikipedia. We can call it Six Degrees of Bronx Zoo. First try took me almost 20. Went from Nirvana to kilograms to the Cuban Missile Crisis before I finally worked my way to the Bronx Zoo. I wasn't really trying.
What a seriously gross-looking cake, though.
My New Best Friend
My new best friend is named Gary. I don't know what his last name is, but he said his parents named him after Gary Coleman. I laughed when he told me that. Gary frowned, so I kicked him in the shin.
Gary went to community college. He applied to three schools: Harvard, some school in Canada, and this community college. He did it as a joke, but nobody thought it was funny. Now he's really pissed off that he ended up in community college. He said he could have gotten into Ohio State, and I agreed because Ohio State only lets douchebags in. I laughed again and kicked Gary in the shins.
Gary is in a wheelchair.
Gary's favorite movie is The Wizard of Oz. His favorite part is when the Tin Man sings. When I told him the Tin Man was a robot, he had a temper tantrum. It's true, though. He is a robot. There's nothing you can do about it, Gary.
Yesterday Gary went to Spain to visit his brother who's studying abroad, but I switched his ticket to Mongolia and didn't tell him.
Gary went to community college. He applied to three schools: Harvard, some school in Canada, and this community college. He did it as a joke, but nobody thought it was funny. Now he's really pissed off that he ended up in community college. He said he could have gotten into Ohio State, and I agreed because Ohio State only lets douchebags in. I laughed again and kicked Gary in the shins.
Gary is in a wheelchair.
Gary's favorite movie is The Wizard of Oz. His favorite part is when the Tin Man sings. When I told him the Tin Man was a robot, he had a temper tantrum. It's true, though. He is a robot. There's nothing you can do about it, Gary.
Yesterday Gary went to Spain to visit his brother who's studying abroad, but I switched his ticket to Mongolia and didn't tell him.
10.18.2006
New Blogger Disaster
Blogger's in the process of converting all its functions over to Google Accounts and making it many ways more like wordpress. Unfortunately, only a few blogs are being invited to this new option at a time, and the one of mine that made the change was Flipper's. I brought Flipper back to life yesterday only to screw everything up.
What frustrates me--and I publish this because I need to vent about it--is that I accidentally used my real Google account for my fake blog. Even though I have a fake Google account for my fake blog. And it won't let me change it. And since it's permanently attached to my account, I won't be able to import the real blog to the real account on top of it.
For now, everything's fine (I guess). I guess it just means I'll have to export Flipper's blog and delete it. That'll keep me busy today.
What frustrates me--and I publish this because I need to vent about it--is that I accidentally used my real Google account for my fake blog. Even though I have a fake Google account for my fake blog. And it won't let me change it. And since it's permanently attached to my account, I won't be able to import the real blog to the real account on top of it.
For now, everything's fine (I guess). I guess it just means I'll have to export Flipper's blog and delete it. That'll keep me busy today.
Catholic Disaster
Last night I dreamt that I went to a Catholic mass. I went with somebody who was not Catholic and had no idea what was going on, and that made for some seemingly bizarre incidents. Like when we prayed, this person insisted we all hold hands (which, upon reflection, I realize I've done with actual Catholic people).
The communion was the strangest part, though. Instead of wafers and wine, the communion was given with Teddy Grahams and boiling water served straight from the pot. I used a styrofoam cup for the water, though.
THE END.
The communion was the strangest part, though. Instead of wafers and wine, the communion was given with Teddy Grahams and boiling water served straight from the pot. I used a styrofoam cup for the water, though.
THE END.
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