This whole coming-back-to-blogging business is so far a lot more work than it is play. I expected it to flow, like the thrill and excitement would return naturally, like the pets in Homeward Bound. But it's been more of a forced exercise that produces little satisfactory results, like the training montage from Rocky.
Are those comparisons fair, though? This return to blogging is, after all, more like a sequel. In that case, my comeback bears greater similarity to Homeward Bound 2: Lost in San Francisco, an inane retread meant to cash in on past success, than to Rocky II, the unnecessary sequel that made our hero at last victorious.
I never thought I'd be able to compare any aspect of my life to a Disney sequel, and a live-action animal adventure at that. I couldn't even pull off a Return of Jafar. Have I indeed sunk so low?
Oh well. If I can't find meaning in successfully returning to write nonsense blogs, I could always find meaning in rock collecting.
4.25.2011
4.20.2011
Earth vs. Facebook
Since I've already done two Earth Day posts, why not another, right? This time we'll celebrate Earth Day by comparing Earth to Facebook. Let's see what they have in common....
Everyone on Facebook and everyone on Earth are lame. The people on Facebook and the people on Earth are basically just giving in to peer pressure by being there. In contrast, the people who are not Facebook and the people who live in outer space are cool.
People waste a good chunk of their day on Facebook. People also waste a good chunk of their day on the Earth. The productive activity that takes place on both is relatively negligible.
Communicating with your friends through Facebook is not a very good substitute for face-to-face interaction. Similarly, communicating with your friends through the Earth will make for a stunted relationship, as sound does not travel well through the Earth's crust.
Approximately 10% of the world's population is on Facebook. Approximately 10% of the world's population also lives on Earth.
Nobody who's on Facebook actually likes Facebook, just like nobody who lives on Earth genuinely likes the Earth. In spite of everyone's dislike, no one would ever do anything to leave Facebook or Earth. Cuz...what else is there?
Everyone on Facebook and everyone on Earth are lame. The people on Facebook and the people on Earth are basically just giving in to peer pressure by being there. In contrast, the people who are not Facebook and the people who live in outer space are cool.
People waste a good chunk of their day on Facebook. People also waste a good chunk of their day on the Earth. The productive activity that takes place on both is relatively negligible.
Communicating with your friends through Facebook is not a very good substitute for face-to-face interaction. Similarly, communicating with your friends through the Earth will make for a stunted relationship, as sound does not travel well through the Earth's crust.
Approximately 10% of the world's population is on Facebook. Approximately 10% of the world's population also lives on Earth.
Nobody who's on Facebook actually likes Facebook, just like nobody who lives on Earth genuinely likes the Earth. In spite of everyone's dislike, no one would ever do anything to leave Facebook or Earth. Cuz...what else is there?
4.19.2011
Earth: The Facts
In view of the impending Earth Day, I thought I'd fill you in on some interesting facts about this place we call Earth. Most of these are things you probably already know because I don't want to cause any heart attacks from overly-unexpected trivia. Also, if we don't review what we've already learned, it will cease to be true.
-The Earth is round. However, it is not perfectly round. It is also bumpy.
-Other planets that are not the Earth include Jupiter, Saturn or Neptune.
-As far as we know, the Earth has never collided with the sun.
-The Earth is filled with goo.
-The surface of the Earth usually keeps people from getting inside the Earth.
-If the Earth stopped moving, everything on it would fly off into space.
-The Earth has a moon, but the moon does not have a day named after it.
-The Earth's oceans are not actually blue; they are clear.
-If the Earth had a mustache, it would also have a soul patch, and it would look like this:
-The Earth is round. However, it is not perfectly round. It is also bumpy.
-Other planets that are not the Earth include Jupiter, Saturn or Neptune.
-As far as we know, the Earth has never collided with the sun.
-The Earth is filled with goo.
-The surface of the Earth usually keeps people from getting inside the Earth.
-If the Earth stopped moving, everything on it would fly off into space.
-The Earth has a moon, but the moon does not have a day named after it.
-The Earth's oceans are not actually blue; they are clear.
-If the Earth had a mustache, it would also have a soul patch, and it would look like this:
4.18.2011
Let's Celebrate Earth Day
Well, it's Earth Day on Friday, I think. It's the time of year when we all realize that we are not, in fact, floating in space. I guess technically we are floating in space, but even more technically, it's Earth that's floating in space (but even more technically it's not "floating" because it is tethered to the sun).
A lot of people like to spend Earth Day cleaning things up. Personally, I don't see how that celebrates Earth. If we really wanted to go easy on the ol' planet, I think the only thing we'd need to do is not blow it up. Any Earth Day that preserves the existence of Earth is a success in my opinion.
You may say that picking up garbage is a way to preserve the existence of Earth, but I wouldn't be able to hear you because you smell like garbage and that's pretty disgusting.
Another thing we could do to celebrate Earth Day? Not move to another planet. I bet Earth would resent that.
A lot of people like to spend Earth Day cleaning things up. Personally, I don't see how that celebrates Earth. If we really wanted to go easy on the ol' planet, I think the only thing we'd need to do is not blow it up. Any Earth Day that preserves the existence of Earth is a success in my opinion.
You may say that picking up garbage is a way to preserve the existence of Earth, but I wouldn't be able to hear you because you smell like garbage and that's pretty disgusting.
Another thing we could do to celebrate Earth Day? Not move to another planet. I bet Earth would resent that.
4.13.2011
Too Many
A billion of something is a whole lot. It's probably too much. Consider the following examples.
A Billion Astronauts
You wouldn't be able to send all those astronauts into space. We only have a few spaceships in this world, so only maybe 30 of those astronauts could actually go. That's only .000003% of all those astronauts. The rest would be left with unfulfilling careers as garbage men. Maybe we could ship some of them out to sea just so we don't have to watch heartbroken astronauts taking out our trash.
A Billion Staplers
That would mean more than a billion staples. Unless each stapler only gets one staple, but that would be crazier than having a billion staplers to begin with. I don't care if it causes a staple crisis that cripples some poor country's economy, each stapler needs at least 50 staples. This isn't Russia.
A Billion Canoes
The Native Americans understood the concept of keeping in balance with your environment, which is probably part of the reason why they never mass-produced canoes. After all, if you have a billion canoes, how do you have an efficient canoe race? You'd probably have to do individual time trials, and nobody enjoys that.
A Billion Hot Dogs with Mustard
Mustard is an acquired taste. Personally, I'm not a fan. Someone else could have that hot dog instead of me. Maybe there are a billion people in this world who like mustard, but I don't know. I'm guessing a few of those hot dogs would get wasted.
A Billion Astronauts
You wouldn't be able to send all those astronauts into space. We only have a few spaceships in this world, so only maybe 30 of those astronauts could actually go. That's only .000003% of all those astronauts. The rest would be left with unfulfilling careers as garbage men. Maybe we could ship some of them out to sea just so we don't have to watch heartbroken astronauts taking out our trash.
A Billion Staplers
That would mean more than a billion staples. Unless each stapler only gets one staple, but that would be crazier than having a billion staplers to begin with. I don't care if it causes a staple crisis that cripples some poor country's economy, each stapler needs at least 50 staples. This isn't Russia.
A Billion Canoes
The Native Americans understood the concept of keeping in balance with your environment, which is probably part of the reason why they never mass-produced canoes. After all, if you have a billion canoes, how do you have an efficient canoe race? You'd probably have to do individual time trials, and nobody enjoys that.
A Billion Hot Dogs with Mustard
Mustard is an acquired taste. Personally, I'm not a fan. Someone else could have that hot dog instead of me. Maybe there are a billion people in this world who like mustard, but I don't know. I'm guessing a few of those hot dogs would get wasted.
4.08.2011
The Diary of the Adventures of Albino Lobster
Dear Diary,
Today I had to explain to a few people that I am not a ghost of a regular lobster. When I told them that I was albino, they insisted that it was impossible for a lobster to be albino because, and I quote, "lobsters are too crunchy to be albino." What does that even mean? I don't feel crunchy. I may feel whatever the opposite of crunchy is...tender? Buttery?
Dear Diary,
Last night I went to the discotheque, and all the girls laughed at me because I was an albino lobster. It made me wish that I could people into albino lobsters. If they could experience my life, maybe they wouldn't laugh. Maybe they would be my friends and say, "Hey, let's go see a regular movie instead of a black and white one because I understand that you actually aren't that different from me." That's all I want.
Dear Diary,
I saved somebody's life yesterday. Pulled her from a burning car. I'm glad I'm albino lobster, I guess, and not an albino ostrich or something, so that I can actually grab things. She was very grateful, and she didn't make any comments about my albino-ness. It makes me wonder--do I prefer the attention I get for being an albino to the attention I get for saving someone's life? I probably do.
Dear Diary,
I met a Hollywood producer today. Looks like I'm going to be a guest star on an episode of "Modern Family." Makes sense. I don't know if I'm ready for that kind of fame, though. Maybe I should just marry the albino rhinoceros and settle down in some country town. Have a family. Isn't that what everyone wants? Or maybe I'll open a Red Lobster restaurant. Wouldn't that be ironic!
4.07.2011
State Capitals, Part One
Good morning, everyone! Today we're going to begin a series on STATE CAPITALS! Everyone else is definitely as excited about this as I am!
PART ONE: THE LETTER A
Did you know 5 state capitals begin with the letter A? Isn't that amazing? The only letters that have more capitals are C and S, and since these letters appear the word, "secession," we we will not be discussing any cities that begin with them.
In alphabetical order, Albany comes first. I have no interest in Albany, so we will pretend that the actual capital of New York is Buffalo and move on.
We will also skip Annapolis and Atlanta.
This brings us to Augusta, Maine. Maine is one of two states whose capital should actually be Portland.
Austin is the fifth and final state capital beginning with A. Coincidentally, it rhymes with Boston, which is also a state capital. It is important to note, however, that Boston begins with the letter B, which is not the letter A.
Isn't learning fun?
PART ONE: THE LETTER A
Did you know 5 state capitals begin with the letter A? Isn't that amazing? The only letters that have more capitals are C and S, and since these letters appear the word, "secession," we we will not be discussing any cities that begin with them.
In alphabetical order, Albany comes first. I have no interest in Albany, so we will pretend that the actual capital of New York is Buffalo and move on.
We will also skip Annapolis and Atlanta.
This brings us to Augusta, Maine. Maine is one of two states whose capital should actually be Portland.
Austin is the fifth and final state capital beginning with A. Coincidentally, it rhymes with Boston, which is also a state capital. It is important to note, however, that Boston begins with the letter B, which is not the letter A.
Isn't learning fun?
4.06.2011
The End of the Universe
Two people are walking down the street as though the universe were not going to end anytime soon.
PERSON A: Doesn't it suck to get stuck in traffic?
PERSON B: You bet it does! Especially when it's snowing.
PERSON A: Good point. Weather is the other thing that I like to talk about.
PERSON B: I'm glad we're friends. We have so much in common.
OMINOUS VOICE FROM ABOVE: Attention people of the universe. The universe will be ending in approximately five minutes. You have five minutes to prepare for the end of the universe.
PERSON B: Did you hear that?
PERSON A: Yeah. It was pretty loud.
PERSON B: Huh. So does that mean the universe is ending?
PERSON A: I guess so.
PERSON B: Alas. I am filled with regret.
PERSON A: There's still time to live! The voice said we have five minutes.
PERSON B: But everything I would want to do is at least ten minutes from here.
PERSON A: Oh. Well, would you like to tell me what you regret?
PERSON B: I wish I had collected more box turtles.
PERSON A: Oh yeah, me too.
PERSON B: You can't regret the same thing I regret!
PERSON A: Can too!
PERSON B: If our time wasn't so short, perhaps I could appreciate our mutual love for turtles much as I appreciate our mutual desire to talk about traffic and weather.
PERSON A: Oh, the turtles we could have enjoyed together.
PERSON B: Do you think they'll have turtles after the end of the universe?
PERSON A: Yes I do.
OMINOUS VOICE FROM ABOVE: No they don't.
PERSON A: Dang.
OMINOUS VOICE FROM ABOVE: Got you guys! It's just me! Your friend Steve!
PERSON B: Oh, thank you, Steve! You've helped us discover our mutual love for turtles!
PERSON A: I'm sorry, I actually wasn't being serious about the turtle thing.
PERSON A: Doesn't it suck to get stuck in traffic?
PERSON B: You bet it does! Especially when it's snowing.
PERSON A: Good point. Weather is the other thing that I like to talk about.
PERSON B: I'm glad we're friends. We have so much in common.
OMINOUS VOICE FROM ABOVE: Attention people of the universe. The universe will be ending in approximately five minutes. You have five minutes to prepare for the end of the universe.
PERSON B: Did you hear that?
PERSON A: Yeah. It was pretty loud.
PERSON B: Huh. So does that mean the universe is ending?
PERSON A: I guess so.
PERSON B: Alas. I am filled with regret.
PERSON A: There's still time to live! The voice said we have five minutes.
PERSON B: But everything I would want to do is at least ten minutes from here.
PERSON A: Oh. Well, would you like to tell me what you regret?
PERSON B: I wish I had collected more box turtles.
PERSON A: Oh yeah, me too.
PERSON B: You can't regret the same thing I regret!
PERSON A: Can too!
PERSON B: If our time wasn't so short, perhaps I could appreciate our mutual love for turtles much as I appreciate our mutual desire to talk about traffic and weather.
PERSON A: Oh, the turtles we could have enjoyed together.
PERSON B: Do you think they'll have turtles after the end of the universe?
PERSON A: Yes I do.
OMINOUS VOICE FROM ABOVE: No they don't.
PERSON A: Dang.
OMINOUS VOICE FROM ABOVE: Got you guys! It's just me! Your friend Steve!
PERSON B: Oh, thank you, Steve! You've helped us discover our mutual love for turtles!
PERSON A: I'm sorry, I actually wasn't being serious about the turtle thing.
4.05.2011
Limbo Adventures
A question scientists have been asking for almost a decade and a half is, whatever happened to the limbo? The once "popular" party dance has all but disappeared from society. We all want to know: what gives?
Unfortunately, scientists have been baffled as to where the limbo has gone, and millions of taxpayer dollars have been wasted in their futile efforts. A scandalous report also recently revealed that most research groups spend up to 70% of their time actually doing the limbo rather than studying it. People want answers.
Thankfully for them, I have some. In the late 1980s, just before the fall of the Soviet Union, limbo groups started springing up in Siberia and the Soviet Republic of Kazakhstan. Once Americans saw that the Russians were limbo-ing, they refused to do it for fear of becoming communist. After the fall of communism, Siberians and Kazakhs discovered the limbo was not cool anymore in the West, so they took up more timely fads like pogs and Magic cards.
Though people may not actually do the limbo anymore, it still lives on in our hearts. Not literally, though, because the limbo is not a living thing, and our hearts are too small for a limbo party to fit.
P.S.-Scientists 0, Ben 1.
Unfortunately, scientists have been baffled as to where the limbo has gone, and millions of taxpayer dollars have been wasted in their futile efforts. A scandalous report also recently revealed that most research groups spend up to 70% of their time actually doing the limbo rather than studying it. People want answers.
Thankfully for them, I have some. In the late 1980s, just before the fall of the Soviet Union, limbo groups started springing up in Siberia and the Soviet Republic of Kazakhstan. Once Americans saw that the Russians were limbo-ing, they refused to do it for fear of becoming communist. After the fall of communism, Siberians and Kazakhs discovered the limbo was not cool anymore in the West, so they took up more timely fads like pogs and Magic cards.
Though people may not actually do the limbo anymore, it still lives on in our hearts. Not literally, though, because the limbo is not a living thing, and our hearts are too small for a limbo party to fit.
P.S.-Scientists 0, Ben 1.
4.04.2011
An Unstoppable Force
Follow me, if you will, as I compare the life of this blog to that of a fearsome bear. Pay attention, dear reader, and you shall see how truly apt and terrifying this analogy is. Hopefully your soul will not shudder to visit this blog again in the future, but there is a distinct possibility that it will.
You see, my a comeback for this blog was much like a bear emerging from hibernation. Bears, like this blog, become frustrated with the world around them on a seasonal basis and determine to while their angst away in a depressive sleep for months. Though the blog's angst wore off after just a few months, it, like a bear, preferred the comforts of sleep and chose not to wake up for over a year.
But then the horrors of post-hibernation set in. A bear has the rude awakening of spring, with all the thorny plants, tiny bugs and uncomfortable sweating that go along with it. Similarly, my blog was nearly crushed by an unexpectedly debilitating mouth surgery that kept me from coming to work for a couple days. How can a bear be awesome when it is so threatened? And how can I blog when I'm not at work?
Now, at last, the bear and I can settle into a simple routine. Fish eating. Yes, another thing bears and blogs have in common--a love for the taste of fresh fish. It is part of the perfect symmetry of the universe.
You see, my a comeback for this blog was much like a bear emerging from hibernation. Bears, like this blog, become frustrated with the world around them on a seasonal basis and determine to while their angst away in a depressive sleep for months. Though the blog's angst wore off after just a few months, it, like a bear, preferred the comforts of sleep and chose not to wake up for over a year.
But then the horrors of post-hibernation set in. A bear has the rude awakening of spring, with all the thorny plants, tiny bugs and uncomfortable sweating that go along with it. Similarly, my blog was nearly crushed by an unexpectedly debilitating mouth surgery that kept me from coming to work for a couple days. How can a bear be awesome when it is so threatened? And how can I blog when I'm not at work?
Now, at last, the bear and I can settle into a simple routine. Fish eating. Yes, another thing bears and blogs have in common--a love for the taste of fresh fish. It is part of the perfect symmetry of the universe.
3.30.2011
My Ideal Home
I want to live inside a kangaroo.
Ways this will improve my life:
-Thanks to layers and mucus and what I assume are other unrelentingly pleasant bodily fluids, I will always be warm and comfortable. Whenever I start to feel a little chilly, I can just tuck myself a little deeper in that cozy pouch, rub up extra close to that soft tissue, and warm right up.
-I will never be lonely because I will always have a kangaroo buddy to keep me company. I imagine us becoming something like heroes of the Old West. I'd be the straight man who does all the hard work, and the kangaroo would be the bumbling, wise-cracking sidekick who accidentally saves the day in the end.
-I will probably be in Australia. Most kangaroos do live in Australia, after all. The rest live in zoos. I do not want to live in a kangaroo in a zoo. As much as the rhyme makes that proposition attractive, I do not want to expose myself to ridicule for my aberrant lifestyle.
-Most kangaroo predators are extinct, and most of my predators would be too slow. We would be almost unstoppable. And I could probably teach the kangaroo how to camouflage, so the bears wouldn't even be able to see us.
Ways this will maybe not be such a great idea:
-It will be crowded. Once some joeys start showing up (unlikely, though, since I'm sure to scare off any potential kangaroo mates), there's not going to be a lot of room inside this kangaroo. And I'm not going to sell my stamp collection to make space for a mooch.
-Bouncing up and down will probably make me motion sick. Not that I have much experience traveling in jumps or leaps, but I expect it will be jarring to my stomach.
-My favorite foods will not be readily available, and it will be difficult to go grocery shopping. I haven't read a lot about kangaroos yet, but I'm guessing they don't make a lot of pizza or tacos. And I've seen many a kangaroo get kicked out of a grocery store, so there must be some kind of "no kangaroos" rule that would keep me from buying the food I want.
-Kangaroos are difficult to steer. Say I want to go left, but the kangaroo wants to go right. I have no idea how I'm going to handle such a dilemma.
Ways this will improve my life:
-Thanks to layers and mucus and what I assume are other unrelentingly pleasant bodily fluids, I will always be warm and comfortable. Whenever I start to feel a little chilly, I can just tuck myself a little deeper in that cozy pouch, rub up extra close to that soft tissue, and warm right up.
-I will never be lonely because I will always have a kangaroo buddy to keep me company. I imagine us becoming something like heroes of the Old West. I'd be the straight man who does all the hard work, and the kangaroo would be the bumbling, wise-cracking sidekick who accidentally saves the day in the end.
-I will probably be in Australia. Most kangaroos do live in Australia, after all. The rest live in zoos. I do not want to live in a kangaroo in a zoo. As much as the rhyme makes that proposition attractive, I do not want to expose myself to ridicule for my aberrant lifestyle.
-Most kangaroo predators are extinct, and most of my predators would be too slow. We would be almost unstoppable. And I could probably teach the kangaroo how to camouflage, so the bears wouldn't even be able to see us.
Ways this will maybe not be such a great idea:
-It will be crowded. Once some joeys start showing up (unlikely, though, since I'm sure to scare off any potential kangaroo mates), there's not going to be a lot of room inside this kangaroo. And I'm not going to sell my stamp collection to make space for a mooch.
-Bouncing up and down will probably make me motion sick. Not that I have much experience traveling in jumps or leaps, but I expect it will be jarring to my stomach.
-My favorite foods will not be readily available, and it will be difficult to go grocery shopping. I haven't read a lot about kangaroos yet, but I'm guessing they don't make a lot of pizza or tacos. And I've seen many a kangaroo get kicked out of a grocery store, so there must be some kind of "no kangaroos" rule that would keep me from buying the food I want.
-Kangaroos are difficult to steer. Say I want to go left, but the kangaroo wants to go right. I have no idea how I'm going to handle such a dilemma.
3.29.2011
Knock Knock
After a two-year hiatus, I'm attempting a comeback. I have abandoned whatever principle initially compelled me to abandon this blog. I return with no plan and no goal, just a full-throttle major blogging explosion.
I shall begin with some bad knock-knock jokes.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Robot.
Robot who?
Robot police! You're under arrest!
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Seriously, it's the robot police.
Seriously, it's the robot police who?
Seriously, it's the ROBOT POLICE! This isn't a game! We're here for the children you kidnapped! Open up or we'll efficiently and emotionlessly bust down your door!
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Row, row, row your boat.
Row, row, row your boat who?
Row, row, ROBOT POLICE! We're not joking about arresting you, though. We have a warrant to take you to jail for your numerous crimes.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
All your criminal friends.
All your criminal friends who?
All your criminal friends have been eaten alive by the ROBOT POLICE! Your only chance to avoid the same fate is to open the door and be arrested!
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Orange you glad I didn't say robot police? Oh wait...crap, I screwed that one up. I meant to say, aren't you glad I didn't say ROBOT POLICE?
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Boo.
Boo who?
Boo--it's the ROBOT POLICE! And you should stop crying. We didn't actually eat your criminal friends. We are fueled by a combination of battery and solar power, not human flesh.
Thank you.
I shall begin with some bad knock-knock jokes.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Robot.
Robot who?
Robot police! You're under arrest!
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Seriously, it's the robot police.
Seriously, it's the robot police who?
Seriously, it's the ROBOT POLICE! This isn't a game! We're here for the children you kidnapped! Open up or we'll efficiently and emotionlessly bust down your door!
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Row, row, row your boat.
Row, row, row your boat who?
Row, row, ROBOT POLICE! We're not joking about arresting you, though. We have a warrant to take you to jail for your numerous crimes.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
All your criminal friends.
All your criminal friends who?
All your criminal friends have been eaten alive by the ROBOT POLICE! Your only chance to avoid the same fate is to open the door and be arrested!
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Orange you glad I didn't say robot police? Oh wait...crap, I screwed that one up. I meant to say, aren't you glad I didn't say ROBOT POLICE?
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Boo.
Boo who?
Boo--it's the ROBOT POLICE! And you should stop crying. We didn't actually eat your criminal friends. We are fueled by a combination of battery and solar power, not human flesh.
Thank you.
6.09.2010
Bees Unleashed
I always thought there should be more bees in the news. Cuz everyone likes bees, right? What's not to like about bees? They're like clowns, only funnier and more obviously striped.
So today my hopes were finally realized: "Driver in bee-infested crash ordered something something whatever." I don't know if you need to read the story, since there's a lot of non-bee-related stuff in there. Just check out the following paragraph.
Wow, seventeen MILLION bees! What if you had your windows down? The bees would pour in! They'd have nowhere else to go but into your car! Your car would become more bee than machine. The hum of the motor would actually be the hum of hundreds of bees that are now controlling your engine. Need to get gas at the next exit? Think again, because your car now runs on bees and bees alone.
And once the bees take over your car's steering, they'll drive you to the nearest bee compound where they'll keep you captive for months. They'll feed you bees for breakfast, lunch and dinner. You'll start to think like a bee, and your correspondence to your family and friends will have an increased usage of the letter "z." Your bee masters will gradually increase your diet of bees until the bees inside you take control and transform you into a hideous human-bee hybrid.
The bee-people will be much more efficient workers than regular people. Regular people will lose their jobs as companies hire bee-people at lower wages. Regular people will spend what little money they have on exorbitantly priced non-bee products, like combs and windows, and bee-people will grow in economic power and take over society. The bee-people will elect a bee president, and the bee president will make it illegal to eat anything but bees, and we'll all become bee-people who re-elect the bee president for an unprecedented 13 terms. Only after 52 years under the tyranny of the same bee will we realize that it was actually several different bees, and we could never tell the difference.
Considering the likelihood of this frightening scenario, we should get to work on writing a Constitutional amendment that prohibits bees from being elected to executive office.
So today my hopes were finally realized: "Driver in bee-infested crash ordered something something whatever." I don't know if you need to read the story, since there's a lot of non-bee-related stuff in there. Just check out the following paragraph.
Styrbicky's semi was likely traveling at a "pretty high" speed when it crushed two cars into the back of the other truck hauling more than 17 million bees, Roeske said. Firefighters at the scene battled through clouds of bees released when their hives were destroyed. The cars and the other truck had stopped for road construction.
Wow, seventeen MILLION bees! What if you had your windows down? The bees would pour in! They'd have nowhere else to go but into your car! Your car would become more bee than machine. The hum of the motor would actually be the hum of hundreds of bees that are now controlling your engine. Need to get gas at the next exit? Think again, because your car now runs on bees and bees alone.
And once the bees take over your car's steering, they'll drive you to the nearest bee compound where they'll keep you captive for months. They'll feed you bees for breakfast, lunch and dinner. You'll start to think like a bee, and your correspondence to your family and friends will have an increased usage of the letter "z." Your bee masters will gradually increase your diet of bees until the bees inside you take control and transform you into a hideous human-bee hybrid.
The bee-people will be much more efficient workers than regular people. Regular people will lose their jobs as companies hire bee-people at lower wages. Regular people will spend what little money they have on exorbitantly priced non-bee products, like combs and windows, and bee-people will grow in economic power and take over society. The bee-people will elect a bee president, and the bee president will make it illegal to eat anything but bees, and we'll all become bee-people who re-elect the bee president for an unprecedented 13 terms. Only after 52 years under the tyranny of the same bee will we realize that it was actually several different bees, and we could never tell the difference.
Considering the likelihood of this frightening scenario, we should get to work on writing a Constitutional amendment that prohibits bees from being elected to executive office.
3.26.2010
Bad Toast Jokes
SLICE of BREAD: It’s so cold in here.
SLICE of TOAST: Really? I’m rather toasty.
SLICE of TOAST #1: Would you like anything to drink?
SLICE of TOAST #2: Sure, I do feel a little parched.
SLICE of TOAST #1: Great. And do you mind if I turn the heat down a little bit? It’s getting too toasty.
SLICE of TOAST #2: That’s fine, I was feeling a little toasty myself.
SLICE of TOAST #1: Thank you all for coming to my daughter’s wedding. If you don’t mind, I’d like to make a toast to—
SLICE of TOAST #2: (so loud it interrupts TOAST #1) Brrr...can somebody turn up the heat?
SLICE of TOAST #3: I think it’s toasty enough in here.
(At a beach)
SLICE of TOAST #1: Everybody get out of the water! There’s a shark!
SLICE of TOAST #2: Don’t worry, sharks don’t eat toast.
(Laughter all around)
SLICE of TOAST #1: He’s right! Let’s all enjoy the sun on this beautiful day!
A different SLICE of TOAST: Yes, it certainly is toasty today!
PERSON A: Which do you prefer, bread or toast?
PERSON B: Toast.
PERSON A: Why?
PERSON B: Because it makes me feel toasty!
PERSON A: Why do you always do that?
PERSON B: Do what?
PERSON A: Add –y to the end of a word like it’s funny. It’s annoying.
PERSON B: I don’t always do that. Just sometimes.
PERSON A: Whatever.
PERSON B: Did you just come here to ask me if I liked toast or bread?
PERSON A: Mostly. Also because my house is cold.
PERSON B: Well, come on in! It’s nice and toasty in here!
PERSON A: Why’s that?
PERSON B: Because I just had some toast!
SLICE of TOAST: Really? I’m rather toasty.
SLICE of TOAST #1: Would you like anything to drink?
SLICE of TOAST #2: Sure, I do feel a little parched.
SLICE of TOAST #1: Great. And do you mind if I turn the heat down a little bit? It’s getting too toasty.
SLICE of TOAST #2: That’s fine, I was feeling a little toasty myself.
SLICE of TOAST #1: Thank you all for coming to my daughter’s wedding. If you don’t mind, I’d like to make a toast to—
SLICE of TOAST #2: (so loud it interrupts TOAST #1) Brrr...can somebody turn up the heat?
SLICE of TOAST #3: I think it’s toasty enough in here.
(At a beach)
SLICE of TOAST #1: Everybody get out of the water! There’s a shark!
SLICE of TOAST #2: Don’t worry, sharks don’t eat toast.
(Laughter all around)
SLICE of TOAST #1: He’s right! Let’s all enjoy the sun on this beautiful day!
A different SLICE of TOAST: Yes, it certainly is toasty today!
PERSON A: Which do you prefer, bread or toast?
PERSON B: Toast.
PERSON A: Why?
PERSON B: Because it makes me feel toasty!
PERSON A: Why do you always do that?
PERSON B: Do what?
PERSON A: Add –y to the end of a word like it’s funny. It’s annoying.
PERSON B: I don’t always do that. Just sometimes.
PERSON A: Whatever.
PERSON B: Did you just come here to ask me if I liked toast or bread?
PERSON A: Mostly. Also because my house is cold.
PERSON B: Well, come on in! It’s nice and toasty in here!
PERSON A: Why’s that?
PERSON B: Because I just had some toast!
2.08.2010
The Schemes of Bears
Two bears are eyeing a campsite and the people therein.
BEAR #1: So you’re saying, if we kill those humans and take their clothes, they’ll finally let us into the movies?
BEAR #2: Absolutely.
BEAR #1: It just doesn’t sound like it’ll work.
BEAR #2: Listen, I’ve been studying this for weeks now, and the only difference between us and the people they let into the movies is clothes.
BEAR #1: But we’re also much bigger and harrier than people.
BEAR #2: That’s why we tell them that we’re wrestlers.
BEAR #1: Oh.
BEAR #2: Our wrestler names will be Kodiak Bear and Grizzly Bear.
BEAR #1: Won’t that give away the fact that we’re bears?
BEAR #2: Oh, right. I just really like being a bear.
(pause)
BEAR #1: Anyway, I still think there’s gotta be a better way to get into the movies than wearing people clothes and saying we’re famous wrestlers with bear names.
BEAR #2: There’s not. Believe me, I’ve thought about this a lot.
BEAR #1: What about renting a movie?
BEAR #2: I can’t even believe you’d suggest that.
BEAR #1: We have a pretty big TV.
BEAR #2: No. Not when we could go see a movie in real 3-D on a screen eight bears tall and twelve bears wide.
BEAR #1: Oh, I just remembered that they don’t rent to bears anymore.
BEAR #2: Why not?
BEAR #1: I don’t know. Last time I went to rent a movie, they just said no bears. They didn’t give me a reason.
BEAR #2: Then even more reason to kill the humans, steal their clothes and pretend to be wrestlers.
BEAR #1: Maybe we could steal their clothes without killing them.
BEAR #2: Explain.
BEAR #1: Like, when they’re sleeping, we just go into their tent and take their clothes.
BEAR #2: You mean like take their clothes off of them?
BEAR #1: Well, we could, but that would be difficult. I meant like taking the clothes from their bags.
BEAR #2: I still prefer the killing option.
BEAR #1: But they might not let us into the movies if our clothes are bloodied and torn up by bear claws.
BEAR #2: Hmm…but they might let us into the hospital if they thought we were humans who had been attacked by bears. And then we can escape from the hospital and sneak into a movie!
BEAR #1: That is the worst idea—
HUMAN: Look, bears! Everybody run!
BEAR #2: Let’s just get em and go with the hospital idea.
BEAR #1: Fine.
BEAR #1: So you’re saying, if we kill those humans and take their clothes, they’ll finally let us into the movies?
BEAR #2: Absolutely.
BEAR #1: It just doesn’t sound like it’ll work.
BEAR #2: Listen, I’ve been studying this for weeks now, and the only difference between us and the people they let into the movies is clothes.
BEAR #1: But we’re also much bigger and harrier than people.
BEAR #2: That’s why we tell them that we’re wrestlers.
BEAR #1: Oh.
BEAR #2: Our wrestler names will be Kodiak Bear and Grizzly Bear.
BEAR #1: Won’t that give away the fact that we’re bears?
BEAR #2: Oh, right. I just really like being a bear.
(pause)
BEAR #1: Anyway, I still think there’s gotta be a better way to get into the movies than wearing people clothes and saying we’re famous wrestlers with bear names.
BEAR #2: There’s not. Believe me, I’ve thought about this a lot.
BEAR #1: What about renting a movie?
BEAR #2: I can’t even believe you’d suggest that.
BEAR #1: We have a pretty big TV.
BEAR #2: No. Not when we could go see a movie in real 3-D on a screen eight bears tall and twelve bears wide.
BEAR #1: Oh, I just remembered that they don’t rent to bears anymore.
BEAR #2: Why not?
BEAR #1: I don’t know. Last time I went to rent a movie, they just said no bears. They didn’t give me a reason.
BEAR #2: Then even more reason to kill the humans, steal their clothes and pretend to be wrestlers.
BEAR #1: Maybe we could steal their clothes without killing them.
BEAR #2: Explain.
BEAR #1: Like, when they’re sleeping, we just go into their tent and take their clothes.
BEAR #2: You mean like take their clothes off of them?
BEAR #1: Well, we could, but that would be difficult. I meant like taking the clothes from their bags.
BEAR #2: I still prefer the killing option.
BEAR #1: But they might not let us into the movies if our clothes are bloodied and torn up by bear claws.
BEAR #2: Hmm…but they might let us into the hospital if they thought we were humans who had been attacked by bears. And then we can escape from the hospital and sneak into a movie!
BEAR #1: That is the worst idea—
HUMAN: Look, bears! Everybody run!
BEAR #2: Let’s just get em and go with the hospital idea.
BEAR #1: Fine.
6.04.2009
Inside an Apple, or, My Descent into Madness
Scene: the inside of an apple, which has been hollowed out somehow. Apparently people live there, as two neighbors meet to discuss something.
NEIGHBOR #1: So you just moved in to the apple, huh?
NEIGHBOR #2: Into the what?
NEIGHBOR #1: The apple.
NEIGHBOR #2: This is an apple? I thought we just bought a new house.
NEIGHBOR #1: You did, but your house is inside an apple.
NEIGHBOR #2: How did that happen?
NEIGHBOR #1: How did what happen?
NEIGHBOR #2: How did our new house get inside of an apple?
NEIGHBOR #1: It's always been inside of an apple.
NEIGHBOR #2: But--
NEIGHBOR #1: Oh look, it's the Apple King!
APPLE KING: Hello, how are you on this fine apple day?
NEIGHBOR #2: Hey, I just--
NEIGHBOR #1: We're doing excellent, O wonderful Apple King!
APPLE KING: You haven't seen my baseball card collection, have you?
NEIGHBOR #1: No, I'm afraid we haven't, my king. You lost it again?
APPLE KING: Yes, yes, it always seems to get away from me. Hopefully that dastardly Duke of Pineapple hasn't already gotten his greedy mitts on it.
NEIGHBOR #1: If the Duke shows his face around here, I'll be sure to sock him one for you, your majesty.
APPLE KING: Thank you, loyal serf. I'll remember you the next time there's an opening on the Board of Juicification.
NEIGHBOR #1: Oh king! That's always been my dream!
APPLE KING: Then let us dance the dance of apples!
They dance.
NEIGHBOR #2: Maybe living inside an apple won't be that bad after all.
NEIGHBOR #2'S WIFE: Honey, did you know that our house is inside an apple?
NEIGHBOR #2: I know, Mildred. I know.
NEIGHBOR #1: So you just moved in to the apple, huh?
NEIGHBOR #2: Into the what?
NEIGHBOR #1: The apple.
NEIGHBOR #2: This is an apple? I thought we just bought a new house.
NEIGHBOR #1: You did, but your house is inside an apple.
NEIGHBOR #2: How did that happen?
NEIGHBOR #1: How did what happen?
NEIGHBOR #2: How did our new house get inside of an apple?
NEIGHBOR #1: It's always been inside of an apple.
NEIGHBOR #2: But--
NEIGHBOR #1: Oh look, it's the Apple King!
APPLE KING: Hello, how are you on this fine apple day?
NEIGHBOR #2: Hey, I just--
NEIGHBOR #1: We're doing excellent, O wonderful Apple King!
APPLE KING: You haven't seen my baseball card collection, have you?
NEIGHBOR #1: No, I'm afraid we haven't, my king. You lost it again?
APPLE KING: Yes, yes, it always seems to get away from me. Hopefully that dastardly Duke of Pineapple hasn't already gotten his greedy mitts on it.
NEIGHBOR #1: If the Duke shows his face around here, I'll be sure to sock him one for you, your majesty.
APPLE KING: Thank you, loyal serf. I'll remember you the next time there's an opening on the Board of Juicification.
NEIGHBOR #1: Oh king! That's always been my dream!
APPLE KING: Then let us dance the dance of apples!
They dance.
NEIGHBOR #2: Maybe living inside an apple won't be that bad after all.
NEIGHBOR #2'S WIFE: Honey, did you know that our house is inside an apple?
NEIGHBOR #2: I know, Mildred. I know.
5.27.2009
Missed Penguins
Hey everybody! I found a blog the other day (thanks to the indirect recommendation of someone whose company I enjoy, albeit infrequently) that posts illustrations to accompany the "missed connections" personals in New York papers. It's a really beautiful blog, and I mean that sincerely. It also inspired me to write my own version of "missed connections" from the perspective of a penguin. Enjoy!
A Penguin's Missed Connections by Bertrand G. Penguington
I was on one of the trains--I don't know which one it was because I can't read--and you stared at me and smiled while you were talking on the phone with your boyfriend. Your hat was cute. I was the penguin.
You almost got in my cab somewhere around 47th. You said, "Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't know this was taken." I would have said that you could join me, but I couldn't open my beak fast enough. In case you don't remember, I was the penguin.
You're the only other penguin I've met in this penguin-forsaken city. I was also a penguin.
You kicked me when you were walking down the street somewhere in Manhattan. Maybe it was an accident, but you didn't even apologize. Do you hate penguins? (I was the penguin, by the way.)
I caught your eyes when we were at the zoo. Maybe you were wondering what I was doing walking around like a regular person. I was wondering if you'd like to go out to dinner. I hope you date penguins.
I muttered something under my breath about how a penguin can't get a break in this world, and you helped cheer me up. Then you threw me out the bus window. That was not cool, and I wanted you to know that.
A Penguin's Missed Connections by Bertrand G. Penguington
I was on one of the trains--I don't know which one it was because I can't read--and you stared at me and smiled while you were talking on the phone with your boyfriend. Your hat was cute. I was the penguin.
You almost got in my cab somewhere around 47th. You said, "Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't know this was taken." I would have said that you could join me, but I couldn't open my beak fast enough. In case you don't remember, I was the penguin.
You're the only other penguin I've met in this penguin-forsaken city. I was also a penguin.
You kicked me when you were walking down the street somewhere in Manhattan. Maybe it was an accident, but you didn't even apologize. Do you hate penguins? (I was the penguin, by the way.)
I caught your eyes when we were at the zoo. Maybe you were wondering what I was doing walking around like a regular person. I was wondering if you'd like to go out to dinner. I hope you date penguins.
I muttered something under my breath about how a penguin can't get a break in this world, and you helped cheer me up. Then you threw me out the bus window. That was not cool, and I wanted you to know that.
5.21.2009
Adventures in Urban Pigeon Hunting
A while back, my roommate Yorick (name changed to protect said roommate from legal action) bought a blow gun so he could take out the pigeons that so persistently poop on our doorstep and mailbox. To most this may seem like an extreme reaction to a minor problem, and it probably is. But I'm not here to criticize.
So check this out:
This, friends, is a pigeon with a dart in its neck. As if that wasn't already pretty obvious.
So in the course of Yorick's hunting, he's nailed many-a-pigeon in the neck, but he's only had one confirmed kill. Most of the time he hits them and they just fly off, presumably to die elsewhere. Apparently, though, they never die and end up flying around with these darts stuck in 'em like nothing ever happened.
We all knew pigeons were stupid. But stupid enough to go on living and pooping like normal despite the unrelenting presence of a dart in the neck? That's beyond what any of us could have hoped or dreamed.
The greatest insult of all? This pigeon is going to poop on our doorstep so much more now. Or maybe the greatest insult will be when one of these pigeon shows up at the police station and "Yorick" ends up getting arrested after a lengthy sting operation. In either case, it would have been much more efficient to use a bazooka.
So check this out:
This, friends, is a pigeon with a dart in its neck. As if that wasn't already pretty obvious.
So in the course of Yorick's hunting, he's nailed many-a-pigeon in the neck, but he's only had one confirmed kill. Most of the time he hits them and they just fly off, presumably to die elsewhere. Apparently, though, they never die and end up flying around with these darts stuck in 'em like nothing ever happened.
We all knew pigeons were stupid. But stupid enough to go on living and pooping like normal despite the unrelenting presence of a dart in the neck? That's beyond what any of us could have hoped or dreamed.
The greatest insult of all? This pigeon is going to poop on our doorstep so much more now. Or maybe the greatest insult will be when one of these pigeon shows up at the police station and "Yorick" ends up getting arrested after a lengthy sting operation. In either case, it would have been much more efficient to use a bazooka.
5.01.2009
The Magnificent Game
The Internets are alive today with thoughts on the incredible Game 6 of the Bulls-Celtics playoff series, and I haven't been able to stop thinking about it. Bulls won in 3 overtimes. In six games, there have been seven overtimes, and five of those six games have been decided by one play. It's incredible. It being fresh in my mind, I wanted to record some thoughts. I'll post something funny later.
Since Game 3 or 4, some people have been calling this possibly the best playoff series in NBA history. It's been that good. But what really gets me is the fan reaction after Game 6. People haven't just been talking about the team they want to win, but they're talking about their love for the game, and how that love is captured in this moment (or series of moments).
Sports almost never does this, but it can reach a level where it brings something out of us, the fans, that transcends the game. I mean, every sports fan wants to see a good game, and we see a lot of bad ones, but every fifty years or so there's something that's more than just a good game. It's something that brings people together, even people who really wouldn't care otherwise. This Bulls-Celtics series is approaching something special like that. I know it sounds ridiculous, but if you read around the net, you'll know what I mean.
If you'll allow me to get really overdramatic, it reminds me of the Miracle on Ice. People got on board for this Olympic hockey game like never before, and maybe hockey was more popular in 1980, but even then, this game brought the country together. A hockey game. In 1980, the only hockey teams south of the Mason-Dixon line were in LA and Atlanta, and the Atlanta team moved to Canada the following season. Somehow, this game that appealed more to some Canadians than most Americans still caught our hearts. I don't think we can imagine anything, let alone a sports game, uniting us like that today. But it was about more than patriotism or anything like that. As easy as it was to draw political lines, that doesn't speak to the heart of the fanaticism over a hockey game. This was something more, something you can't put your finger on. And the feeling everybody got when those guys won, well, see Miracle. I cry every time I watch that movie.
It makes me want to part of a Magnificent Game. We love games like this because we want to be part of something like that. We want the struggle, the back-and-forth, the come-from-behind victory, the back-breaking impossible play. But since most of us will never be in a sports moment like that, we want that with our lives. That's why it speaks to our hearts and not just our rooting interests, because the struggle really matters.
We can make a game out of everything, but how do you make it truly Magnificent? We play the money game, the sex game, the fame game, the knowledge game, whatever. But to really matter, you have to have a magnificent goal, a magnificent end. If I play for money my whole life, it won't mean a thing in the end. I want to think eternally, and then I want to think about how my life can be a Magnificent Game forever. I mean, whoever wins this Bulls-Celtics series will get beat by LeBron and the Cavs. In the bizarre chance that one of these teams wins the championship, then they play for a few more years, get old, retire, and maybe even end up trying to sell their championship rings on eBay (as many former champions are doing now). It's a fading glory at best.
I need something that really matters. So I want to struggle against evil and fight for truth. I want to fight back when I'm down one (or ten), even if the devil keeps coming back and taking the lead from me. And there's so many ways to take this metaphor, like designing the right plays and going for the unbelievable shots, but I'll just leave it at that. To me, it comes down to whether I'm playing the right game.
Since Game 3 or 4, some people have been calling this possibly the best playoff series in NBA history. It's been that good. But what really gets me is the fan reaction after Game 6. People haven't just been talking about the team they want to win, but they're talking about their love for the game, and how that love is captured in this moment (or series of moments).
Sports almost never does this, but it can reach a level where it brings something out of us, the fans, that transcends the game. I mean, every sports fan wants to see a good game, and we see a lot of bad ones, but every fifty years or so there's something that's more than just a good game. It's something that brings people together, even people who really wouldn't care otherwise. This Bulls-Celtics series is approaching something special like that. I know it sounds ridiculous, but if you read around the net, you'll know what I mean.
If you'll allow me to get really overdramatic, it reminds me of the Miracle on Ice. People got on board for this Olympic hockey game like never before, and maybe hockey was more popular in 1980, but even then, this game brought the country together. A hockey game. In 1980, the only hockey teams south of the Mason-Dixon line were in LA and Atlanta, and the Atlanta team moved to Canada the following season. Somehow, this game that appealed more to some Canadians than most Americans still caught our hearts. I don't think we can imagine anything, let alone a sports game, uniting us like that today. But it was about more than patriotism or anything like that. As easy as it was to draw political lines, that doesn't speak to the heart of the fanaticism over a hockey game. This was something more, something you can't put your finger on. And the feeling everybody got when those guys won, well, see Miracle. I cry every time I watch that movie.
It makes me want to part of a Magnificent Game. We love games like this because we want to be part of something like that. We want the struggle, the back-and-forth, the come-from-behind victory, the back-breaking impossible play. But since most of us will never be in a sports moment like that, we want that with our lives. That's why it speaks to our hearts and not just our rooting interests, because the struggle really matters.
We can make a game out of everything, but how do you make it truly Magnificent? We play the money game, the sex game, the fame game, the knowledge game, whatever. But to really matter, you have to have a magnificent goal, a magnificent end. If I play for money my whole life, it won't mean a thing in the end. I want to think eternally, and then I want to think about how my life can be a Magnificent Game forever. I mean, whoever wins this Bulls-Celtics series will get beat by LeBron and the Cavs. In the bizarre chance that one of these teams wins the championship, then they play for a few more years, get old, retire, and maybe even end up trying to sell their championship rings on eBay (as many former champions are doing now). It's a fading glory at best.
I need something that really matters. So I want to struggle against evil and fight for truth. I want to fight back when I'm down one (or ten), even if the devil keeps coming back and taking the lead from me. And there's so many ways to take this metaphor, like designing the right plays and going for the unbelievable shots, but I'll just leave it at that. To me, it comes down to whether I'm playing the right game.
4.28.2009
Glowing Cats 2: Glowing Dogs
In what is fast becoming a South Korean Renaissance, South Korean scientists have now cloned glowing dogs.
You may remember a very similar story from about a year and a half ago in which South Korean scientists cloned glowing cats.
The glowing cats were a surprise. It was surprising that there was a scientific endeavor to make animals glow in the dark. It was surprising that it worked. It was surprising that they were cloned. It was surprising that it happened in South Korea.
The glowing dogs are not nearly as interesting. And I hate cats. Honestly, dogs are supposed to be way cooler, and I just can't get excited about this. The dogs don't even glow very brightly. If they fought in the dark, the cats would totally lose because they'd be way more visible.
I can't say this glowing dogs move was predictable, though. I mean, I think that once you clone glowing cats, you'd pretty much call it a day on the cloning of animals that glow. I'm sure there are people out there who, after cloning their first glowing animal, would say, "Now I need to make them all glow!" But I figured none of those people would actually be scientists.
The news story claims that these dogs were cloned with "techniques that could help develop cures for human diseases." If this were actually true, these scientists would have started on those cures after the glowing cats thing worked out. This was all about the glowing animals.
Perhaps less predictable than all of this, though, is that my blog is gradually becoming South-Korea-themed.
You may remember a very similar story from about a year and a half ago in which South Korean scientists cloned glowing cats.
The glowing cats were a surprise. It was surprising that there was a scientific endeavor to make animals glow in the dark. It was surprising that it worked. It was surprising that they were cloned. It was surprising that it happened in South Korea.
The glowing dogs are not nearly as interesting. And I hate cats. Honestly, dogs are supposed to be way cooler, and I just can't get excited about this. The dogs don't even glow very brightly. If they fought in the dark, the cats would totally lose because they'd be way more visible.
I can't say this glowing dogs move was predictable, though. I mean, I think that once you clone glowing cats, you'd pretty much call it a day on the cloning of animals that glow. I'm sure there are people out there who, after cloning their first glowing animal, would say, "Now I need to make them all glow!" But I figured none of those people would actually be scientists.
The news story claims that these dogs were cloned with "techniques that could help develop cures for human diseases." If this were actually true, these scientists would have started on those cures after the glowing cats thing worked out. This was all about the glowing animals.
Perhaps less predictable than all of this, though, is that my blog is gradually becoming South-Korea-themed.
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