Christine + Jim

Recently, Jim and Christine, a couple good friends of mine who happen to be getting married (and who appear to have stopped blogging), asked me to write the history of their relationship and read it at their wedding. I'm pretty sure only about half the wedding party and a couple other people would laugh, so I'm blogging it as a test run. These things tend to work better in writing (my speech at my friend's wedding did not go over well), but let me know if it totally sucks turtles.

This is truly--and literally--a match made in the heavens. Jim was born on Mars, and Christine was born on Venus (which, incidentally, explains why Christine loves volcanoes and acid rain and why Jim is red). Contrary to popular convention that suggest men are from Mars and women are from Venus, these two were the first human beings ever born on either planet. Shortly after their birth, they were launched toward the earth on a collision course with love.

I knew Christine fairly well in junior high and high school. I remember one time when we were hanging out in Uptown and she went to see that crazy fortune teller. Christine went in alone, and when she came out, she said the fortune teller told her that she'd fall in love with a man named James Schofield. That was bad news for our friend Geronimo McRobots, who had a crush on Christine at the time, though after an Internet search for James Schofield produced no results, he still foolishly believed he had a chance. The fortune teller also told Christine that her first born child would be raised by wolves...but only time will tell on that one.

I've only known Jim for a couple years, and I still remember when we first met. It was at a men's retreat in the Pacific Northwest. We were all crying and sharing our feelings, when all of a sudden a giant bear broke through the wall and swallowed one of our friends whole. Most of us were too frightened to do anything, but Jim leaped into action. He threw his hatchet at the bear, nailing it right in the skull, and then he ripped apart the bear's chest and stomach with his bare hands, setting our friend free. I remember thinking, this guy might be good for my friend Christine. You may be interested to know that they served that very bear for the wedding dinner.

Then there was that fateful moment when Jim and Christine first met, about an hour ago. How lucky they are to have found each other, and that everybody else there was so nicely dressed.

Here's to you, Jim and Christine! I look forward to being a frequent and unwelcome guest at your house for the rest of your lives!