The Tyranny of Cats

Dear Cat Fancy Magazine,
Thank you for printing quality material month after month. I have a subscription, and when each new issue arrives, my cat Buttons and I sit down and read the whole thing together. The only thing missing is a crossword puzzle, and I believe Buttons is ready for it. He seems to be getting bored with the jumble. The point being, we are both great fans of your work.

However, I have two complaints. First, the pictures your magazines publishes set the standard of cat beauty far too high, and because of this, Buttons has developed an eating disorder. All too often when we find pictures of skinny cats in your magazine, Buttons turns to me, and I always ask him, "How come you're so much fatter than those cats?" only to later find a pile of puke on my pillow. Your depiction of the cat form is doing serious physical, emotional, and psychological damage to cats around the world.

Second, why are there no dogs in your magazine? Cats are not the only household pet, you know. I personally don't own a dog--Buttons wouldn't have it. But what about the millions of dog owners out there who wish they could sit down with their dogs and read Cat Fancy together? I know you don't care much about the bottom line, but including some dogs could potentially double your readership!

Sincerely,
Weymouth Hanley Bruderson

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Dear Mr. or Mrs. Bruderson,
Thank you for your letter. Your idea of pumping our magazine full of dogs and fatter cats is, on the surface, one of the worst ideas we've ever heard. But as we're trying to appeal more to the hipsters and indie kids and other cat-owning losers, exploiting the irony angle may be the way to go.

Please do not think that your letter contained any modicum of intelligence or held any actual merit for our magazine. This is purely an accident of circumstance. We needed to adapt to the economy, and you are an idiot. Surely this would never have worked in any other situation, but time makes fools of us all.

Also, I am a cat. Meow.

Yours,
Monsieur Paisely Q. Geraldo