Dear Man-Eating Catfish,
Are you really a catfish? My friend told me you were a whale shark. Is my friend a liar?
Sincerely,
Jimmy
Dear Jimmy,
Let me answer your question with a question: why would they call me The Man-Eating Catfish if I was actually a whale shark? That seems pretty stupid to me. If I was a whale shark, it'd make a lot more sense to call me The Man-Eating Whale Shark.
In response to your second question, the only way I could know if your friend was a liar is if I ate him. Please mail him to China so I can eat him, and I will get back to you as soon as possible.
Yours,
Man-Eating Catfish
Dear Man-Eating Catfish,
Why did you eat two of my friends?
Sincerely,
Boy in China without name
Dear Boy,
The first one was so tasty, I had to eat another one. It's like you and when you get to eat. Assuming you are distributed more than one potato chip, it tastes so good that you have to eat another one. So it is with me when I ate your friends. If you would like to be eaten, feel free to stop by later. I know you aren't busy because I ate your friends.
Yours,
Man-Eating Catfish
Dear Man-Eating Catfish,
My family is enslaved in a salt mine. We've been here as long as I can remember. I have heard tales of your heroism. Please come and rescue us.
Sincerely,
Slave #341
Dear Slave #341,
I think you made that all up just now. But I can't be sure unless I eat you. A lot of people think it's weird that I have to eat them to know if they're telling the truth, but they shouldn't make such a big deal about it. I could be of great help to your country's justice system by eating their witnesses in order to verify their testimony. I suggest you write to your home country's goverment and tell them about how I eat people.
Yours,
Man-Eating Catfish
Dear Man-Eating Catfish
I think you're a liar. Maybe you should eat yourself.
Dear Whoever-you-are,
That would be very stupid. A man-eating catfish eating a man-eating catfish? I've never heard of anything more absurd. Good luck with asking stupid questions in the future, and better luck getting eaten by me.
Yours,
Man-Eating Catfish
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