Seeing as everyone in the world (as far as I know) won't shut up about the upcoming election, I can't think about anything else. And though I'm growing increasingly opposed to democracy in general, I recently decided to get involved and see what all this to-do is about. That's right, I conducted my own poll.
Polling is a very complicated process, requiring all kinds of controls and measures to make sure the poll isn't skewed in any way. Normally I would quit such a difficult endeavor within a few minutes, but since this seems important to the future of our country, I decided to stick with it. And now I can report my results.
YOU: 0% of votes
EVERYONE BUT YOU: 100% of votes
Some analysis
Unlike most recent polls, mine does not predict a clear winner. But one thing is clear: the number one loser in this election will be you. This year, American voters prefer to vote for anyone else. Aside from the occasional accidental vote or votes from felons that will ultimately not count, no one will be voting for you. You lose.
Why?
It's not personal or anything. It's probably because everyone else has run more successful campaigns. Also, you made several inappropriate comments about Jenny's mom when you were in junior high, so anyone who would have considered voting for you decided to not vote for you instead. So I guess it is kind of personal.
Your political future
Most politicians no longer make viable candidates after losing a bid for the presidency, and you should prove no exception to the rule. In future elections, people will only remember how badly you blew it 2008 (remember--you only got 0% of votes). However, you may have a bright political future on the municipal level. I envision slogans like, "I ran for president, so I'd make a pretty good city councilperson," or, "I meant to run for city council last time!"
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