Bees Unleashed

I always thought there should be more bees in the news. Cuz everyone likes bees, right? What's not to like about bees? They're like clowns, only funnier and more obviously striped.

So today my hopes were finally realized: "Driver in bee-infested crash ordered something something whatever." I don't know if you need to read the story, since there's a lot of non-bee-related stuff in there. Just check out the following paragraph.

Styrbicky's semi was likely traveling at a "pretty high" speed when it crushed two cars into the back of the other truck hauling more than 17 million bees, Roeske said. Firefighters at the scene battled through clouds of bees released when their hives were destroyed. The cars and the other truck had stopped for road construction.

Wow, seventeen MILLION bees! What if you had your windows down? The bees would pour in! They'd have nowhere else to go but into your car! Your car would become more bee than machine. The hum of the motor would actually be the hum of hundreds of bees that are now controlling your engine. Need to get gas at the next exit? Think again, because your car now runs on bees and bees alone.

And once the bees take over your car's steering, they'll drive you to the nearest bee compound where they'll keep you captive for months. They'll feed you bees for breakfast, lunch and dinner. You'll start to think like a bee, and your correspondence to your family and friends will have an increased usage of the letter "z." Your bee masters will gradually increase your diet of bees until the bees inside you take control and transform you into a hideous human-bee hybrid.

The bee-people will be much more efficient workers than regular people. Regular people will lose their jobs as companies hire bee-people at lower wages. Regular people will spend what little money they have on exorbitantly priced non-bee products, like combs and windows, and bee-people will grow in economic power and take over society. The bee-people will elect a bee president, and the bee president will make it illegal to eat anything but bees, and we'll all become bee-people who re-elect the bee president for an unprecedented 13 terms. Only after 52 years under the tyranny of the same bee will we realize that it was actually several different bees, and we could never tell the difference.

Considering the likelihood of this frightening scenario, we should get to work on writing a Constitutional amendment that prohibits bees from being elected to executive office.

Bad Toast Jokes

SLICE of BREAD: It’s so cold in here.
SLICE of TOAST: Really? I’m rather toasty.

SLICE of TOAST #1: Would you like anything to drink?
SLICE of TOAST #2: Sure, I do feel a little parched.
SLICE of TOAST #1: Great. And do you mind if I turn the heat down a little bit? It’s getting too toasty.
SLICE of TOAST #2: That’s fine, I was feeling a little toasty myself.

SLICE of TOAST #1: Thank you all for coming to my daughter’s wedding. If you don’t mind, I’d like to make a toast to—
SLICE of TOAST #2: (so loud it interrupts TOAST #1) Brrr...can somebody turn up the heat?
SLICE of TOAST #3: I think it’s toasty enough in here.

(At a beach)
SLICE of TOAST #1: Everybody get out of the water! There’s a shark!
SLICE of TOAST #2: Don’t worry, sharks don’t eat toast.
(Laughter all around)
SLICE of TOAST #1: He’s right! Let’s all enjoy the sun on this beautiful day!
A different SLICE of TOAST: Yes, it certainly is toasty today!

PERSON A: Which do you prefer, bread or toast?
PERSON B: Toast.
PERSON A: Why?
PERSON B: Because it makes me feel toasty!
PERSON A: Why do you always do that?
PERSON B: Do what?
PERSON A: Add –y to the end of a word like it’s funny. It’s annoying.
PERSON B: I don’t always do that. Just sometimes.
PERSON A: Whatever.
PERSON B: Did you just come here to ask me if I liked toast or bread?
PERSON A: Mostly. Also because my house is cold.
PERSON B: Well, come on in! It’s nice and toasty in here!
PERSON A: Why’s that?
PERSON B: Because I just had some toast!

The Schemes of Bears

Two bears are eyeing a campsite and the people therein.

BEAR #1: So you’re saying, if we kill those humans and take their clothes, they’ll finally let us into the movies?
BEAR #2: Absolutely.
BEAR #1: It just doesn’t sound like it’ll work.
BEAR #2: Listen, I’ve been studying this for weeks now, and the only difference between us and the people they let into the movies is clothes.
BEAR #1: But we’re also much bigger and harrier than people.
BEAR #2: That’s why we tell them that we’re wrestlers.
BEAR #1: Oh.
BEAR #2: Our wrestler names will be Kodiak Bear and Grizzly Bear.
BEAR #1: Won’t that give away the fact that we’re bears?
BEAR #2: Oh, right. I just really like being a bear.
(pause)
BEAR #1: Anyway, I still think there’s gotta be a better way to get into the movies than wearing people clothes and saying we’re famous wrestlers with bear names.
BEAR #2: There’s not. Believe me, I’ve thought about this a lot.
BEAR #1: What about renting a movie?
BEAR #2: I can’t even believe you’d suggest that.
BEAR #1: We have a pretty big TV.
BEAR #2: No. Not when we could go see a movie in real 3-D on a screen eight bears tall and twelve bears wide.
BEAR #1: Oh, I just remembered that they don’t rent to bears anymore.
BEAR #2: Why not?
BEAR #1: I don’t know. Last time I went to rent a movie, they just said no bears. They didn’t give me a reason.
BEAR #2: Then even more reason to kill the humans, steal their clothes and pretend to be wrestlers.
BEAR #1: Maybe we could steal their clothes without killing them.
BEAR #2: Explain.
BEAR #1: Like, when they’re sleeping, we just go into their tent and take their clothes.
BEAR #2: You mean like take their clothes off of them?
BEAR #1: Well, we could, but that would be difficult. I meant like taking the clothes from their bags.
BEAR #2: I still prefer the killing option.
BEAR #1: But they might not let us into the movies if our clothes are bloodied and torn up by bear claws.
BEAR #2: Hmm…but they might let us into the hospital if they thought we were humans who had been attacked by bears. And then we can escape from the hospital and sneak into a movie!
BEAR #1: That is the worst idea—
HUMAN: Look, bears! Everybody run!
BEAR #2: Let’s just get em and go with the hospital idea.
BEAR #1: Fine.