Interview with REO Speedwagon
ME: Thanks for coming, guys!
DAVE AMATO: What? Where the hell are we?
KEVIN CRONIN: Mmmhmm...grmmm....
DAVE AMATO: Wake up, Kevin!
NEAL DOUGHTY: Kevin! Wake up!
KEVIN CRONIN: What? What's going on?
NEAL DOUGHTY: We don't know. We just woke up here too.
BRUCE HALL: Hey, let us go, man!
ME: So what would you say are your guys' biggest influences?
KEVIN CRONIN: Was I drugged?
DAVE AMATO: We all were.
BRUCE HALL: We're all tied up too!
KEVIN CRONIN: Why is it so dark? Where's Bryan?
BRYAN HITT: Hello?
NEAL DOUGHTY: Bryan? Are you awake?
BRYAN HITT: I think so. Are we still playing that show tonight?
DAVE AMATO: I don't know, Bryan. I don't know.
BRUCE HALL: So are you gonna untie us, or what?
ME: Guys, guys, calm down. Let's talk about your first album.
NEAL DOUGHTY: This guy's completely insane.
BRUCE HALL: We're gonna have to try to escape. Bryan, you distract him while we make a run for it.
BRYAN HITT: How come I'm always the distraction?
KEVIN CRONIN: Cuz you didn't play on any of our good albums.
BRYAN HITT: Neither did Dave.
DAVE AMATO: Shut up!
KEVIN CRONIN: Oh man, I think I'm gonna throw up.
BRUCE HALL: Are you gonna torture us or something, man?
ME: Great story, fellas. Well, that's all the time we have! Thanks for making it out here, REO Speedwagon. (Gets up and leaves)
BRUCE HALL: Hey! You can't just leave us here! We're REO Speedwagon!
NEAL DOUGHTY: Technically only Kevin and I are REO Speedwagon. We're the only original members.
KEVIN CRONIN: (pukes all over himself)
BRYAN HITT: There's no way out, is there?
DAVE AMATO: Guys, since we may not make it out of here alive, I just want to say, I'm sorry for writing "Take it on the Run."
NEAL DOUGHTY: Dude, Gary wrote that song.
DAVE AMATO: I know, but since I took his place, I take responsibility for it.
NEAL DOUGHTY: You're such a douchebag. If I didn't play keyboards, I would so kick you out of the band.
BRYAN HITT: Guys?
BRUCE HALL: Yeah Bryan?
BRYAN HITT: Do you think anybody's gonna miss us?
(pause, during which Kevin mumbles the lyrics to "Keep on Loving You" to himself)
NEAL DOUGHTY: No.
BRUCE HALL: Yeah, probably not.
KEVIN CRONIN: I've wasted my life.
11.24.2008
The War for Wikipedia
Gordon Remote was hanging out in the high school library one day, bored, when all of a sudden it hit him: why not rally the masses for an all-out assault on Wikipedia? It was just there on the Internet, waiting to be prank-edited en masse. He had made several fake edits of his own only to check back five minutes later to see they'd been reversed. This time, though, he'd get so many people together that the editors couldn't possibly keep up.
The plan came together so effortlessly it was like it had been divinely inspired: start a facebook event that declared the date of the attack, invite all his nerdo facebook friends to join in, have them invite all their nerdo friends, and then wait for the day when they could go at it. He ran to the computer room and created the event. "The War for Wikipedia," he called it. A self-important smile crept across his face as he filled in the details. The date was set: 1/11.
Later that day, a Wikipedia editor performed a facebook search for "Wikipedia," a task the staff was required to do once every five minutes every day. When this editor discovered the facebook event so recently created, he shuddered in horror. He quickly alerted the rest of the Wikipedia super-staff.
"What are we going to do?" he asked.
"The only thing we can do," the Wikipedia boss answered. "Start a counter-event on facebook and get as many people as we can to join our side and fight for the truth and sanctity of freely editable information."
Over the following weeks, the facebook events' attendance grew, but it was clear from the beginning that Wikipedia would be fighting an uphill battle against Gordon and the vandals. By the day before the attack, the latter group, nicknamed "The Lunchroom Liberators," outnumbered the former, "The Champions of Wiki," at least 3:1. It seemed the Wikipedians would have too much to handle.
"I don't think I can do it," said one of the more cowardly Wikipedians. "There are too many of them."
"We have to fight, Jimmy. We can't let those commies do whatever they want."
"I...I guess you're right."
"That's the spirit, Jimmy. Now keep practicing your edit maneuvers. We all need to ready for tomorrow."
They waited for the battle in the morning. The Wikipedia staff and their recruits gathered in computer rooms around the country, anxiously refreshing the edit history of popular articles, waiting for the first shot to be fired. Then it came--somebody replaced every other word of the Twyla Tharp article with the word "fart." So the editing and re-editing began.
After hours of fiercely chasing down and undoing edits, the Wikipedians lost pace. The work of the vandals nearly doubled, then tripled, as reinforcements arrived. The Wikipedians tried to keep up, but it seemed like the effort was lost. They fought valiantly into the night, but at approximately 9:05 PM, they surrendered.
Gordon demanded at first that he be declared King of the Internet with power to do virtually anything he saw fit. When they informed him that such a position was impossible to hold, he settled on acquiring dominion over the Wiktionary and getting every other word in Wikipedia changed to "fart."
And peace was once again restored to the Internets.
The plan came together so effortlessly it was like it had been divinely inspired: start a facebook event that declared the date of the attack, invite all his nerdo facebook friends to join in, have them invite all their nerdo friends, and then wait for the day when they could go at it. He ran to the computer room and created the event. "The War for Wikipedia," he called it. A self-important smile crept across his face as he filled in the details. The date was set: 1/11.
Later that day, a Wikipedia editor performed a facebook search for "Wikipedia," a task the staff was required to do once every five minutes every day. When this editor discovered the facebook event so recently created, he shuddered in horror. He quickly alerted the rest of the Wikipedia super-staff.
"What are we going to do?" he asked.
"The only thing we can do," the Wikipedia boss answered. "Start a counter-event on facebook and get as many people as we can to join our side and fight for the truth and sanctity of freely editable information."
Over the following weeks, the facebook events' attendance grew, but it was clear from the beginning that Wikipedia would be fighting an uphill battle against Gordon and the vandals. By the day before the attack, the latter group, nicknamed "The Lunchroom Liberators," outnumbered the former, "The Champions of Wiki," at least 3:1. It seemed the Wikipedians would have too much to handle.
"I don't think I can do it," said one of the more cowardly Wikipedians. "There are too many of them."
"We have to fight, Jimmy. We can't let those commies do whatever they want."
"I...I guess you're right."
"That's the spirit, Jimmy. Now keep practicing your edit maneuvers. We all need to ready for tomorrow."
They waited for the battle in the morning. The Wikipedia staff and their recruits gathered in computer rooms around the country, anxiously refreshing the edit history of popular articles, waiting for the first shot to be fired. Then it came--somebody replaced every other word of the Twyla Tharp article with the word "fart." So the editing and re-editing began.
After hours of fiercely chasing down and undoing edits, the Wikipedians lost pace. The work of the vandals nearly doubled, then tripled, as reinforcements arrived. The Wikipedians tried to keep up, but it seemed like the effort was lost. They fought valiantly into the night, but at approximately 9:05 PM, they surrendered.
Gordon demanded at first that he be declared King of the Internet with power to do virtually anything he saw fit. When they informed him that such a position was impossible to hold, he settled on acquiring dominion over the Wiktionary and getting every other word in Wikipedia changed to "fart."
And peace was once again restored to the Internets.
11.21.2008
Prophet Ben
Holy canoli, guys. I just noticed that I correctly picked the winner of the World Series at the beginning of July. The post in which I made the prediction is mostly garbage, but check out the end where I suggest that we celebrate The Day Before Independence Day with the Phillies winning the World Series. I was right!
Even though I don't really follow baseball, and I wasn't even trying to make a pick for the World Series, this is pretty amazing. At the time I said that, the Phillies were a relatively mediocre 44-39, and they'd just come off a streak where they only won 2 of their last 13. It was a gutsy pick, but it paid off.
While I still have this spirit of prophecy, I'd like to make a few other bold predictions. Feel free to react as if these were true, because they almost certainly will be at some point in the future.
-Mustard will overtake ketchup as the most popular condiment.
-Australia will replace the United States as the dominant world power.
-Brazil will become the first country to send a samba musician to the moon.
-Zombies will take over the entirety of Europe and Asia, but Africa will be spared because the zombies are afraid of water and will not cross the Suez canal.
-Huey Lewis and the News will make a dramatic comeback, and their album will reach number one on the billboard charts. Shortly thereafter they will begin a war against all other musicians to cement their position at the top.
-Dogs will finally learn to talk.
Even though I don't really follow baseball, and I wasn't even trying to make a pick for the World Series, this is pretty amazing. At the time I said that, the Phillies were a relatively mediocre 44-39, and they'd just come off a streak where they only won 2 of their last 13. It was a gutsy pick, but it paid off.
While I still have this spirit of prophecy, I'd like to make a few other bold predictions. Feel free to react as if these were true, because they almost certainly will be at some point in the future.
-Mustard will overtake ketchup as the most popular condiment.
-Australia will replace the United States as the dominant world power.
-Brazil will become the first country to send a samba musician to the moon.
-Zombies will take over the entirety of Europe and Asia, but Africa will be spared because the zombies are afraid of water and will not cross the Suez canal.
-Huey Lewis and the News will make a dramatic comeback, and their album will reach number one on the billboard charts. Shortly thereafter they will begin a war against all other musicians to cement their position at the top.
-Dogs will finally learn to talk.
11.20.2008
Christine + Jim
Recently, Jim and Christine, a couple good friends of mine who happen to be getting married (and who appear to have stopped blogging), asked me to write the history of their relationship and read it at their wedding. I'm pretty sure only about half the wedding party and a couple other people would laugh, so I'm blogging it as a test run. These things tend to work better in writing (my speech at my friend's wedding did not go over well), but let me know if it totally sucks turtles.
This is truly--and literally--a match made in the heavens. Jim was born on Mars, and Christine was born on Venus (which, incidentally, explains why Christine loves volcanoes and acid rain and why Jim is red). Contrary to popular convention that suggest men are from Mars and women are from Venus, these two were the first human beings ever born on either planet. Shortly after their birth, they were launched toward the earth on a collision course with love.
I knew Christine fairly well in junior high and high school. I remember one time when we were hanging out in Uptown and she went to see that crazy fortune teller. Christine went in alone, and when she came out, she said the fortune teller told her that she'd fall in love with a man named James Schofield. That was bad news for our friend Geronimo McRobots, who had a crush on Christine at the time, though after an Internet search for James Schofield produced no results, he still foolishly believed he had a chance. The fortune teller also told Christine that her first born child would be raised by wolves...but only time will tell on that one.
I've only known Jim for a couple years, and I still remember when we first met. It was at a men's retreat in the Pacific Northwest. We were all crying and sharing our feelings, when all of a sudden a giant bear broke through the wall and swallowed one of our friends whole. Most of us were too frightened to do anything, but Jim leaped into action. He threw his hatchet at the bear, nailing it right in the skull, and then he ripped apart the bear's chest and stomach with his bare hands, setting our friend free. I remember thinking, this guy might be good for my friend Christine. You may be interested to know that they served that very bear for the wedding dinner.
Then there was that fateful moment when Jim and Christine first met, about an hour ago. How lucky they are to have found each other, and that everybody else there was so nicely dressed.
Here's to you, Jim and Christine! I look forward to being a frequent and unwelcome guest at your house for the rest of your lives!
This is truly--and literally--a match made in the heavens. Jim was born on Mars, and Christine was born on Venus (which, incidentally, explains why Christine loves volcanoes and acid rain and why Jim is red). Contrary to popular convention that suggest men are from Mars and women are from Venus, these two were the first human beings ever born on either planet. Shortly after their birth, they were launched toward the earth on a collision course with love.
I knew Christine fairly well in junior high and high school. I remember one time when we were hanging out in Uptown and she went to see that crazy fortune teller. Christine went in alone, and when she came out, she said the fortune teller told her that she'd fall in love with a man named James Schofield. That was bad news for our friend Geronimo McRobots, who had a crush on Christine at the time, though after an Internet search for James Schofield produced no results, he still foolishly believed he had a chance. The fortune teller also told Christine that her first born child would be raised by wolves...but only time will tell on that one.
I've only known Jim for a couple years, and I still remember when we first met. It was at a men's retreat in the Pacific Northwest. We were all crying and sharing our feelings, when all of a sudden a giant bear broke through the wall and swallowed one of our friends whole. Most of us were too frightened to do anything, but Jim leaped into action. He threw his hatchet at the bear, nailing it right in the skull, and then he ripped apart the bear's chest and stomach with his bare hands, setting our friend free. I remember thinking, this guy might be good for my friend Christine. You may be interested to know that they served that very bear for the wedding dinner.
Then there was that fateful moment when Jim and Christine first met, about an hour ago. How lucky they are to have found each other, and that everybody else there was so nicely dressed.
Here's to you, Jim and Christine! I look forward to being a frequent and unwelcome guest at your house for the rest of your lives!
11.13.2008
First Coffee in Two Years
Almost two years ago, I quit coffee forever. I wasn't sure I'd be able to do it, and all my closest friends had their doubts, and today I finally proved them right. After almost two full years of not drinking coffee and sticking to tea, I caved.
And it's been a total disaster. I seriously feel like my limbs are all going to break free of my body and fly away at any second, and there's nothing I can do to stop it. It's more like I'm on speed or cocaine.
The problem with having all this nervous energy is not having anywhere to channel it. If you've read much of this blog, you know that my job requires almost no actual work, so it's not like I can just be more productive than usual. Looks like all I have is blogging. And while caffeine gives me energy, it does not give me motivation to blog more.
See you tomorrow if my heart doesn't explode
And it's been a total disaster. I seriously feel like my limbs are all going to break free of my body and fly away at any second, and there's nothing I can do to stop it. It's more like I'm on speed or cocaine.
The problem with having all this nervous energy is not having anywhere to channel it. If you've read much of this blog, you know that my job requires almost no actual work, so it's not like I can just be more productive than usual. Looks like all I have is blogging. And while caffeine gives me energy, it does not give me motivation to blog more.
See you tomorrow if my heart doesn't explode
11.12.2008
The Tyranny of Cats
Dear Cat Fancy Magazine,
Thank you for printing quality material month after month. I have a subscription, and when each new issue arrives, my cat Buttons and I sit down and read the whole thing together. The only thing missing is a crossword puzzle, and I believe Buttons is ready for it. He seems to be getting bored with the jumble. The point being, we are both great fans of your work.
However, I have two complaints. First, the pictures your magazines publishes set the standard of cat beauty far too high, and because of this, Buttons has developed an eating disorder. All too often when we find pictures of skinny cats in your magazine, Buttons turns to me, and I always ask him, "How come you're so much fatter than those cats?" only to later find a pile of puke on my pillow. Your depiction of the cat form is doing serious physical, emotional, and psychological damage to cats around the world.
Second, why are there no dogs in your magazine? Cats are not the only household pet, you know. I personally don't own a dog--Buttons wouldn't have it. But what about the millions of dog owners out there who wish they could sit down with their dogs and read Cat Fancy together? I know you don't care much about the bottom line, but including some dogs could potentially double your readership!
Sincerely,
Weymouth Hanley Bruderson
--------------------------
Dear Mr. or Mrs. Bruderson,
Thank you for your letter. Your idea of pumping our magazine full of dogs and fatter cats is, on the surface, one of the worst ideas we've ever heard. But as we're trying to appeal more to the hipsters and indie kids and other cat-owning losers, exploiting the irony angle may be the way to go.
Please do not think that your letter contained any modicum of intelligence or held any actual merit for our magazine. This is purely an accident of circumstance. We needed to adapt to the economy, and you are an idiot. Surely this would never have worked in any other situation, but time makes fools of us all.
Also, I am a cat. Meow.
Yours,
Monsieur Paisely Q. Geraldo
Thank you for printing quality material month after month. I have a subscription, and when each new issue arrives, my cat Buttons and I sit down and read the whole thing together. The only thing missing is a crossword puzzle, and I believe Buttons is ready for it. He seems to be getting bored with the jumble. The point being, we are both great fans of your work.
However, I have two complaints. First, the pictures your magazines publishes set the standard of cat beauty far too high, and because of this, Buttons has developed an eating disorder. All too often when we find pictures of skinny cats in your magazine, Buttons turns to me, and I always ask him, "How come you're so much fatter than those cats?" only to later find a pile of puke on my pillow. Your depiction of the cat form is doing serious physical, emotional, and psychological damage to cats around the world.
Second, why are there no dogs in your magazine? Cats are not the only household pet, you know. I personally don't own a dog--Buttons wouldn't have it. But what about the millions of dog owners out there who wish they could sit down with their dogs and read Cat Fancy together? I know you don't care much about the bottom line, but including some dogs could potentially double your readership!
Sincerely,
Weymouth Hanley Bruderson
--------------------------
Dear Mr. or Mrs. Bruderson,
Thank you for your letter. Your idea of pumping our magazine full of dogs and fatter cats is, on the surface, one of the worst ideas we've ever heard. But as we're trying to appeal more to the hipsters and indie kids and other cat-owning losers, exploiting the irony angle may be the way to go.
Please do not think that your letter contained any modicum of intelligence or held any actual merit for our magazine. This is purely an accident of circumstance. We needed to adapt to the economy, and you are an idiot. Surely this would never have worked in any other situation, but time makes fools of us all.
Also, I am a cat. Meow.
Yours,
Monsieur Paisely Q. Geraldo
11.11.2008
Casper the Friendly City in Wyoming
Welcome to Casper, Wyoming. We're glad you came, even if you might not be. We have several facts about our city with which to bore you.
Did you know that Casper was once the largest city in the state of Wyoming? It is now the second-largest, after Cheyenne, Wyoming's other city.
The original Fort Casper was founded in the mid-19th century as a sort of rest stop for pioneers on the way to better places. At one point it served as the base of operation for a military garrison in charge of guarding the telegraph and mail service.
In the 1840s Casper was the location where several ferries brought settlers across the North Platte River. Later, a bridge was built across the river, and the fort was decomissioned and renamed Platte Bridge Station.
Casper once figured prominently in the Western American sheep industry, though it was not quite as prominent as Moorcroft or Routt County. Casper is also home to one of the largest malls in central Wyoming.
At least two former Major League Baseball players have made their homes in Casper at one time or another.
Be sure to visit Casper again in the not-too-distant future!
11.10.2008
Haircut
I got a haircut this weekend. The following conversations about it did not actually happen.
SOMEBODY: Hey, you got a haircut.
HAIRCUT BEN: Nope.
SOMEBODY: Really? I swear you got a haircut. Unless...oh wait, I thought you were someone else.
HAIRCUT BEN: No, I was joking. I did get a haircut.
SOMEBODY: Wait a second, you're that guy that stole my girlfriend!
HAIRCUT BEN: No, that wasn't me. I'm just the guy with a haircut.
SOMEBODY: Sorry, honest mistake. The guy who stole my girlfriend gets haircuts all the time.
SOMEBODY: Did you get a haircut?
HAIRCUT BEN: My hair has always been this short.
SOMEBODY: No, dude, it used to be like two inches longer than that.
HAIRCUT BEN: I'm serious. I've never had long hair. I'll show you my driver's license.
SOMEBDOY: Whatever, man, if you wanna be--
Haircut Ben slips on a banana peel and falls, breaking his neck, and exposing him to be an evil robot in disguise.
SOMEBODY: Oh. He was an evil robot.
REAL BEN: Hey guys.
SOMEBODY: Thank God you didn't get a haircut.
REAL BEN: Yep. Oh, looks like that evil robot got a haircut though.
SOMEBODY: Really? It said its hair was always that short.
SOMEBODY: Whoa.
HAIRCUT BEN: Whoa what?
SOMEBODY: You got a haircut.
HAIRCUT BEN: Actually, I traded my hair.
SOMEBODY: For what? A stupid face? laughs with his punk friends
HAIRCUT BEN: I traded it to a dragon, actually.
SOMEBODY: A dragon?
HAIRCUT BEN: Yeah. He wanted some hair, and I figured I'd could use a dragon to incinerate my enemies.
SOMEBODY: Why does a dragon want hair?
Dragon flies in and incinerates them all, including Haircut Ben
SOMEBODY: Why don't you get a haircut, hippie?
HAIRCUT BEN: I did.
SOMEBODY: Oh sorry, I was talking to that hippie over there.
HAIRCUT BEN: Oh, sorry about that. I'm just really excited about this haircut I just got.
SOMEBODY: And well you should be. That's gotta be the best haircut I've seen in ten years.
HAIRCUT BEN: Thank you.
SOMEBODY: No, thank YOU. You just made my day.
SOMEBODY: Hey, you got a haircut.
HAIRCUT BEN: Nope.
SOMEBODY: Really? I swear you got a haircut. Unless...oh wait, I thought you were someone else.
HAIRCUT BEN: No, I was joking. I did get a haircut.
SOMEBODY: Wait a second, you're that guy that stole my girlfriend!
HAIRCUT BEN: No, that wasn't me. I'm just the guy with a haircut.
SOMEBODY: Sorry, honest mistake. The guy who stole my girlfriend gets haircuts all the time.
SOMEBODY: Did you get a haircut?
HAIRCUT BEN: My hair has always been this short.
SOMEBODY: No, dude, it used to be like two inches longer than that.
HAIRCUT BEN: I'm serious. I've never had long hair. I'll show you my driver's license.
SOMEBDOY: Whatever, man, if you wanna be--
Haircut Ben slips on a banana peel and falls, breaking his neck, and exposing him to be an evil robot in disguise.
SOMEBODY: Oh. He was an evil robot.
REAL BEN: Hey guys.
SOMEBODY: Thank God you didn't get a haircut.
REAL BEN: Yep. Oh, looks like that evil robot got a haircut though.
SOMEBODY: Really? It said its hair was always that short.
SOMEBODY: Whoa.
HAIRCUT BEN: Whoa what?
SOMEBODY: You got a haircut.
HAIRCUT BEN: Actually, I traded my hair.
SOMEBODY: For what? A stupid face? laughs with his punk friends
HAIRCUT BEN: I traded it to a dragon, actually.
SOMEBODY: A dragon?
HAIRCUT BEN: Yeah. He wanted some hair, and I figured I'd could use a dragon to incinerate my enemies.
SOMEBODY: Why does a dragon want hair?
Dragon flies in and incinerates them all, including Haircut Ben
SOMEBODY: Why don't you get a haircut, hippie?
HAIRCUT BEN: I did.
SOMEBODY: Oh sorry, I was talking to that hippie over there.
HAIRCUT BEN: Oh, sorry about that. I'm just really excited about this haircut I just got.
SOMEBODY: And well you should be. That's gotta be the best haircut I've seen in ten years.
HAIRCUT BEN: Thank you.
SOMEBODY: No, thank YOU. You just made my day.
11.07.2008
First Snow
Today marks the first snow of this winter. Normally, I'd be pretty upset. After it snowed twice in May--May--snow and I haven't gotten along very well. But after a lesson from my friend Jim on being more joyful, I've compiled a list of things I like about snow.
-It looks pretty on the trees.
-It makes the day look brighter.
-It can't murder you while you sleep.
-You can go sledding on it.
-It doesn't hurt very much when it lands on you.
-It melts eventually.
-It's better than dinosaurs coming to life and breathing fire on everything (but not by much).
-It only snows for six months out of the year.
-I can stay inside and avoid it forever if I want.
-It looks pretty on the trees.
-It makes the day look brighter.
-It can't murder you while you sleep.
-You can go sledding on it.
-It doesn't hurt very much when it lands on you.
-It melts eventually.
-It's better than dinosaurs coming to life and breathing fire on everything (but not by much).
-It only snows for six months out of the year.
-I can stay inside and avoid it forever if I want.
11.06.2008
Coconut Face
Hey everybody, check it out! It's the Duke of Coconuts!
I think he has something to say.
"I, the Duke of Coconuts, hereby declare today to be coconut day! Free coconuts for everyone!"
And look! He's got a monocle!
You're welcome.
I think he has something to say.
"I, the Duke of Coconuts, hereby declare today to be coconut day! Free coconuts for everyone!"
And look! He's got a monocle!
You're welcome.
11.04.2008
Voting: A Retrospective
I voted at about 7:45 this morning, almost an hour after I got in line. But hey, the system works, unless my write-in vote for Soil and Water Commissioner ends up breaking the ballot box. But if you wanna make an omelet, you gotta break a few eggs.
Anyway, in celebration of our democratic system, I've decided to post a little look at the history of the American vote. I hope you enjoy it as much as I am indifferent to it (which is quite a lot).
1820: To prove that one vote indeed makes a difference, John Quincy Adams cast a decisive vote in the electoral college against incumbent president James Monroe. He voted for himself. Monroe won in a landslide, 228-1.
1824: In the first election to be decided by the House of Representatives, John Quincy Adams defeated Andrew Jackson, despite the fact that Jackson received more votes in the electoral college, though neither had a majority. Four states opted to go without a popular vote that year, realizing its utter futility.
1876: In one of the most controversial elections in American history, Rutherford B. Hayes stole the election from Samuel J. Tilden, though Tilden won the popular vote. With three states in dispute, Tilden also held the majority in the electoral college. The votes in those states have still never been counted accurately, and a winner of 1876 election has yet to be declared.
1948: With Republican Thomas Dewey heavily favored over incumbent Democrat Harry Truman, the American voter outsmarted even the candidates themselves and elected Truman in one of the greatest election upsets in history. Pollsters have since refined their craft to restore faith in the polling system so that everyone can be sure of the results weeks before the election and that such a stirring finish will never happen again.
1973: Richard Nixon resigns from the office of president, elevating Gerald Ford to the position, making Ford the only president to never have won a national election. When he ran for a second term (not re-election, since he'd never been elected), the people elected Jimmy Carter, proving that voting does not always produce the superior result.
Enjoy your election day, everybody!
Anyway, in celebration of our democratic system, I've decided to post a little look at the history of the American vote. I hope you enjoy it as much as I am indifferent to it (which is quite a lot).
1820: To prove that one vote indeed makes a difference, John Quincy Adams cast a decisive vote in the electoral college against incumbent president James Monroe. He voted for himself. Monroe won in a landslide, 228-1.
1824: In the first election to be decided by the House of Representatives, John Quincy Adams defeated Andrew Jackson, despite the fact that Jackson received more votes in the electoral college, though neither had a majority. Four states opted to go without a popular vote that year, realizing its utter futility.
1876: In one of the most controversial elections in American history, Rutherford B. Hayes stole the election from Samuel J. Tilden, though Tilden won the popular vote. With three states in dispute, Tilden also held the majority in the electoral college. The votes in those states have still never been counted accurately, and a winner of 1876 election has yet to be declared.
1948: With Republican Thomas Dewey heavily favored over incumbent Democrat Harry Truman, the American voter outsmarted even the candidates themselves and elected Truman in one of the greatest election upsets in history. Pollsters have since refined their craft to restore faith in the polling system so that everyone can be sure of the results weeks before the election and that such a stirring finish will never happen again.
1973: Richard Nixon resigns from the office of president, elevating Gerald Ford to the position, making Ford the only president to never have won a national election. When he ran for a second term (not re-election, since he'd never been elected), the people elected Jimmy Carter, proving that voting does not always produce the superior result.
Enjoy your election day, everybody!
11.03.2008
Nature's Wonders
Wanna guess what this picture is? Give up? It's a picture of a Burmese Python that exploded after it ate an alligator in the Florida Everglades. That's the back end of a gator hanging out the middle of the snake. Also, the python was decapitated at some point.
According to National Geographic News:
"Wildlife researchers with the South Florida Natural Resources Center found the dead, headless python in October 2005 after it apparently tried to digest a 6-foot-long (2-meter-long) American alligator. The mostly intact dead gator was found sticking out of a hole in the midsection of the python, and wads of gator skin were found in the snake's gastrointestinal tract."
And I thought whale explosions were cool. The only way this would have been better is if the alligator subsequently exploded, or maybe if the snake had tried to eat two alligators.
This story is pretty cool in its own right, but seriously, "headless python"? How the heck did that happen? The whole "python couldn't hold its gator down" theory doesn't account for a decapitation. Some researchers--people with real science careers--suggested that the beheading was a retaliation job by another alligator. However, according to other real scientists, alligators don't make such clean cuts when they rip the heads off their prey. We may never know what really happened, but nature is a mystery, so don't let it bug you.
And while we're wondering what happened to the snake's head, we're missing the real question: what is a Burmese Python doing so far from its native Burma (now Myanmar)? The answer: disgruntled python owners are dumping their pets in the Florida swamp. I am not making this up. In a couple decades, we are going to have a full-blown Burmese Python crisis on our hands. Why are the presidential candidates not addressing this?
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