Ode to Natural Flavoring

When I take a drink of this soda,
Sometimes I wonder what it tastes like.
Most of the time it's impossible to tell
What the flavor might be. Maybe it's
Chocolate, or pineapple, or granite,
And I've never tasted granite before,
So I guess if that's the flavor they used,
I would be forever stumped.
Indeed, it could very well be any of those,
For this soda refuses to reveal
The secrets of its deliciousness.
But then again, it probably isn't
Any flavor I could name, because
The flavors are all artificial, which means
I might not be tasting anything at all.

Oh, artificial flavoring, you poison
My sodas and crackers and jellies
With, I don't know, platypus eyes?
You seduce me with something delicious,
And I eat it, but you won't tell me
What you used to make it so tasty.
It's really not fair. Stop being a jerk.
Are you from outer space? If so,
We should completely destroy outer space
So I can go back to natural flavors,
The flavors I can understand, the ones
That won't trick me into eating Chinese food
When it's actually yesterday's garbage.
You think you can hide in outer space, but
I'm smarter than you, whatever you are.

Return to me, natural flavors, I beg you.
I never should have tasted anything else.
You always tell me the truth, even when
It's gross and makes me cry, and you won't
Leave me when I get fat and annoying,
Or when I forget our anniversary or
Your favorite color. (I totally remembered,
But you just put me on the spot, and that
Makes me a little uncomfortable.) You taste
Way better than that artificial crap,
And you don't yell at me when I want to go out
With the guys or spend some time alone
In my room. Thank you, natural flavoring,
For loving me for who I am.