Well, it's Halloween for the fourth year in a row, which means that we should probably do something special here at my blog. I decided to sponsor a Halloween Game Show, something similar to that dating show with the three bachelors and the lady who gets to pick one of them to be her boyfriend. Except the three bachelors are Dracula, a zombie, and the Creature from the Black Lagoon. I call it "Hallo-win a Date with a Monster!"
GIRL: So, bachelor number 1.
DRACULA: Hiya.
GIRL: What's your idea of the perfect date?
DRACULA: Baby, anything with you would be the perfect date, as long as it ends with me sucking your blood and you joining my ever-growing army of the undead.
GIRL: Oh, um, I'm not really into politics.
DRACULA: Baby, the only politics I'm talking about is the politics of sucking your blood and getting you into my ever-growing army of the undead.
GIRL: Trying to talk me into bed, huh? I'm not that kind of girl. On to bachelor number 2.
ZOMBIE: Grrghh...
GIRL: Which do you look for more in a girl--brains or body?
ZOMBIE: BRAINS.
GIRL: Good answer. Are you just pretending to be sensitive, or is this the real you?
ZOMBIE: BRAINS!!
GIRL: Then on a date, how would you let me know that you're into my brains?
DRACULA: Because he's going to eat them!
GIRL: You had your chance, bachelor number 1.
ZOMBIE: Grrhmmm...brains.
GIRL: OK, let's see what bachelor number 3 has to offer.
CREATURE: I'm gonna make bachelor number 2 look like that fat guy from those Austin Powers movies.
GIRL: You sound pretty confident.
CREATURE: Believe me, if you could see these other contestants, you'd be confident too.
DRACULA: You're a fish-person! At least we're wearing clothes!
GIRL: Hmm...already down to the birthday suit, huh bachelor number 3?
CREATURE: You'll have to find out for yourself, honey.
GIRL: (blushing a little) OK, so your question. If we got married, where would we spend our honeymoon?
CREATURE: Probably Jamaica, cuz you're Ja-makin' me crazy!
DRACULA: BOOOOO!!
ZOMBIE: (getting up, staggering around) BRAINS!
GIRL: Whoa, calm down fellas.
CREATURE: Just because I've fallen in love with you and plan to drag you back to Amazonian lagoon doesn't mean I can't make bad puns.
ZOMBIE: Muuurrhh! BRAINS!!
GIRL: Bachelor number 2, I'm yours!
Zombie proceeds to eat girl's brains, she joins his army of the undead instead of Dracula's, which frustrates Dracula SO MUCH, and the Creature, realizing that there are no options left to him, leaves to star in a remake of his original film with Bill Paxton.
10.31.2008
10.29.2008
I Wish I Were Pac-Man
Life would be so much easier if I were Pac-Man.
Think about it. All I'd have to do is eat pellets, fruit, and pretzels all day. No more office, no more "casual Fridays." Just beeping along, chomping on whatever I come across.
Yeah, there are the ghosts, but every life has to face some adversity. I probably wouldn't want to be Pac-Man if there wasn't at least a little bit of a struggle. And I can deal with ghosts. Desk jockeying, however, is getting to be too much for me.
The only thing I'd miss is the third dimension. I've really come to cherish that third dimension. The other two are OK, don't get me wrong, but they're not much without the third. But I'm pretty sure Pac-Man isn't as cool in three dimensions. I'll just have to deal with it.
Miss Pac-Man seems all right too.
Think about it. All I'd have to do is eat pellets, fruit, and pretzels all day. No more office, no more "casual Fridays." Just beeping along, chomping on whatever I come across.
Yeah, there are the ghosts, but every life has to face some adversity. I probably wouldn't want to be Pac-Man if there wasn't at least a little bit of a struggle. And I can deal with ghosts. Desk jockeying, however, is getting to be too much for me.
The only thing I'd miss is the third dimension. I've really come to cherish that third dimension. The other two are OK, don't get me wrong, but they're not much without the third. But I'm pretty sure Pac-Man isn't as cool in three dimensions. I'll just have to deal with it.
Miss Pac-Man seems all right too.
10.28.2008
Haystack: Results
I spent the last three days (including the whole weekend) immersed in a haystack, looking for things. A friend dared me to do it, after a really long and bizarre needle-in-a-haystack joke he told me. It was probably the worst non-racist joke I've ever heard.
But back to the haystack. Before I tell you what I found there, I want to say that this was easily one of the most unpleasant experiences of my life. Three days in a haystack with no food or water, and it's really cold out, and haystacks are scratchy. Still I doubt I would have done anything better with my weekend.
What I found in the haystack:
-A puppy (Found that one within the first ten minutes, highlight of the weekend. But it ran away as soon as I released it from the haystack.)
-Bird poop
-Hay
-The smell of hay
-This itch that is still driving me crazy
-A lot of dirt
-A sombrero
-A single fingernail clipping
-Straw
-A talking piece of hay (It told me that it used to be a person before it turned into a piece of hay.)
-Different-smelling hay
If I keep skipping work for stuff like this, I'm definitely going to get fired. But I may get fired sooner for smelling like hay.
But back to the haystack. Before I tell you what I found there, I want to say that this was easily one of the most unpleasant experiences of my life. Three days in a haystack with no food or water, and it's really cold out, and haystacks are scratchy. Still I doubt I would have done anything better with my weekend.
What I found in the haystack:
-A puppy (Found that one within the first ten minutes, highlight of the weekend. But it ran away as soon as I released it from the haystack.)
-Bird poop
-Hay
-The smell of hay
-This itch that is still driving me crazy
-A lot of dirt
-A sombrero
-A single fingernail clipping
-Straw
-A talking piece of hay (It told me that it used to be a person before it turned into a piece of hay.)
-Different-smelling hay
If I keep skipping work for stuff like this, I'm definitely going to get fired. But I may get fired sooner for smelling like hay.
10.24.2008
Hotcakes
This morning I made the world's largest pancake*.
It was delicious, and I have leftovers that will last me and all of Minneapolis for the rest of our collective lifetimes. Now more than ever does it suck to live in the suburbs. It also sucks to not own a microwave, because no one wants to eat cold pancakes.
You may be wondering a number of things about this pancake, but I'd like to encourage you to just enjoy its splendor. Don't worry about how I would flip a giant pancake, where I would cook it, or exactly how big it was. Just look at it. Dream about it. And if you live in the city, you can try some of it. I bet you wish you had a giant pancake in Apple Valley now, don't you?
*The pancake featured in this picture is actually a different pancake than the one I made. I don't take credit for this 2.5 ton Canadian endeavor, because the Canadians are lame. Also, they probably used goat eggs instead of real eggs.
It was delicious, and I have leftovers that will last me and all of Minneapolis for the rest of our collective lifetimes. Now more than ever does it suck to live in the suburbs. It also sucks to not own a microwave, because no one wants to eat cold pancakes.
You may be wondering a number of things about this pancake, but I'd like to encourage you to just enjoy its splendor. Don't worry about how I would flip a giant pancake, where I would cook it, or exactly how big it was. Just look at it. Dream about it. And if you live in the city, you can try some of it. I bet you wish you had a giant pancake in Apple Valley now, don't you?
*The pancake featured in this picture is actually a different pancake than the one I made. I don't take credit for this 2.5 ton Canadian endeavor, because the Canadians are lame. Also, they probably used goat eggs instead of real eggs.
Adventures in Polling
Seeing as everyone in the world (as far as I know) won't shut up about the upcoming election, I can't think about anything else. And though I'm growing increasingly opposed to democracy in general, I recently decided to get involved and see what all this to-do is about. That's right, I conducted my own poll.
Polling is a very complicated process, requiring all kinds of controls and measures to make sure the poll isn't skewed in any way. Normally I would quit such a difficult endeavor within a few minutes, but since this seems important to the future of our country, I decided to stick with it. And now I can report my results.
YOU: 0% of votes
EVERYONE BUT YOU: 100% of votes
Some analysis
Unlike most recent polls, mine does not predict a clear winner. But one thing is clear: the number one loser in this election will be you. This year, American voters prefer to vote for anyone else. Aside from the occasional accidental vote or votes from felons that will ultimately not count, no one will be voting for you. You lose.
Why?
It's not personal or anything. It's probably because everyone else has run more successful campaigns. Also, you made several inappropriate comments about Jenny's mom when you were in junior high, so anyone who would have considered voting for you decided to not vote for you instead. So I guess it is kind of personal.
Your political future
Most politicians no longer make viable candidates after losing a bid for the presidency, and you should prove no exception to the rule. In future elections, people will only remember how badly you blew it 2008 (remember--you only got 0% of votes). However, you may have a bright political future on the municipal level. I envision slogans like, "I ran for president, so I'd make a pretty good city councilperson," or, "I meant to run for city council last time!"
Polling is a very complicated process, requiring all kinds of controls and measures to make sure the poll isn't skewed in any way. Normally I would quit such a difficult endeavor within a few minutes, but since this seems important to the future of our country, I decided to stick with it. And now I can report my results.
YOU: 0% of votes
EVERYONE BUT YOU: 100% of votes
Some analysis
Unlike most recent polls, mine does not predict a clear winner. But one thing is clear: the number one loser in this election will be you. This year, American voters prefer to vote for anyone else. Aside from the occasional accidental vote or votes from felons that will ultimately not count, no one will be voting for you. You lose.
Why?
It's not personal or anything. It's probably because everyone else has run more successful campaigns. Also, you made several inappropriate comments about Jenny's mom when you were in junior high, so anyone who would have considered voting for you decided to not vote for you instead. So I guess it is kind of personal.
Your political future
Most politicians no longer make viable candidates after losing a bid for the presidency, and you should prove no exception to the rule. In future elections, people will only remember how badly you blew it 2008 (remember--you only got 0% of votes). However, you may have a bright political future on the municipal level. I envision slogans like, "I ran for president, so I'd make a pretty good city councilperson," or, "I meant to run for city council last time!"
10.17.2008
Democracy in Action
While this whole election thing has comlpetely burned me out on democracy in general, I'm not sure I can stand to make fun of it anymore. I can only take so much boring crap that I can't relate to before I start to think I'd be better off somewhere like Jupiter.
There are some non-incessantly-boring things still going on in this country, though. Like, the race for PRESIDENT OF MONKEYS.
It's Smooth Bob O'Chimpsalot vs. Clyde Pollock-Huckleberry. Let's take a look at their campaigns to this point.
Clyde Pollock-Huckleberry
On the Economy: "Look at my fancy suit! Bananas for everyone!"
On Healthcare: "Doctors are bad!"
On Education: "I have no idea how I learned to talk. Also, don't I need an MBA for this job?"
Smooth Bob O'Chimpsalot
One the Economy: "I'm the richest monkey who ever lived!"
On Healthcare: "One time I went to hospital when I broke my leg doing a stunt on a movie set. I'm in the movies!!"
On Education: "Who needs school when you're RICH?"
This is ABSOLUTELY RIVETING. Get off your lazy butts, CNN, and cover some real news for once!
There are some non-incessantly-boring things still going on in this country, though. Like, the race for PRESIDENT OF MONKEYS.
It's Smooth Bob O'Chimpsalot vs. Clyde Pollock-Huckleberry. Let's take a look at their campaigns to this point.
Clyde Pollock-Huckleberry
On the Economy: "Look at my fancy suit! Bananas for everyone!"
On Healthcare: "Doctors are bad!"
On Education: "I have no idea how I learned to talk. Also, don't I need an MBA for this job?"
Smooth Bob O'Chimpsalot
One the Economy: "I'm the richest monkey who ever lived!"
On Healthcare: "One time I went to hospital when I broke my leg doing a stunt on a movie set. I'm in the movies!!"
On Education: "Who needs school when you're RICH?"
This is ABSOLUTELY RIVETING. Get off your lazy butts, CNN, and cover some real news for once!
10.16.2008
A World Gone Mad
In the midst of a global economic catastrophe, a presidential election that far too many people seem to care about, and a new Star Trek movie, I don't think anyone would doubt that society as we know it is going to collapse very soon. But these signs of the apocalypse are not as disturbing as some others that are actually much more obvious.
Canadian Geese
They're everywhere! The only thing more ubiquitous than Canadian Geese is goose poop. Pretty soon we'll all be buried in it. Not to mention that I'm pretty sure Canadian Geese are on a campaign to eliminate every other variety of goose from the geosphere. Seriously, when was the last time you heard about a non-Canadian goose? I'd also like to ask, how come the Canadian Geese don't go back to Canada where they belong?
The Veritable End of PassengerRailroad Travel
Granted, I still know some people who take the train, but it's pretty much only when taking any other form of transportation would be the stupidest thing you could do in that situation. Remember the Golden Age of American History when towns would boom or bust based on the placement of a railroad line? Of course you don't, cuz that hasn't been the case for almost 150 years. But the world was probably a lot safer from apocalypses back then.
Three Teams from Extremely Warm Climates and the Detroit Red Wings Winning the Stanley Cup over the Last Four Seasons
I'm not usually a fan of professional hockey, but I've grown an interest because of the apocalyptic implications of the championship. Isn't it a little bizarre that teams from California, Florida, and North Carolina won the Stanley Cup in three of the last four years? Where do they practice? Three miles beneath the surface of the earth? Sounds diabolical to me. And something is wrong with the universe when Detroit succeeds at anything (except for basketball and destroying the economy).
Canadian Geese
They're everywhere! The only thing more ubiquitous than Canadian Geese is goose poop. Pretty soon we'll all be buried in it. Not to mention that I'm pretty sure Canadian Geese are on a campaign to eliminate every other variety of goose from the geosphere. Seriously, when was the last time you heard about a non-Canadian goose? I'd also like to ask, how come the Canadian Geese don't go back to Canada where they belong?
The Veritable End of PassengerRailroad Travel
Granted, I still know some people who take the train, but it's pretty much only when taking any other form of transportation would be the stupidest thing you could do in that situation. Remember the Golden Age of American History when towns would boom or bust based on the placement of a railroad line? Of course you don't, cuz that hasn't been the case for almost 150 years. But the world was probably a lot safer from apocalypses back then.
Three Teams from Extremely Warm Climates and the Detroit Red Wings Winning the Stanley Cup over the Last Four Seasons
I'm not usually a fan of professional hockey, but I've grown an interest because of the apocalyptic implications of the championship. Isn't it a little bizarre that teams from California, Florida, and North Carolina won the Stanley Cup in three of the last four years? Where do they practice? Three miles beneath the surface of the earth? Sounds diabolical to me. And something is wrong with the universe when Detroit succeeds at anything (except for basketball and destroying the economy).
10.15.2008
Bingo History
This day in Bingo history...
On October 15th, 1992, exactly sixteen years ago today, there occurred what is known as the St. Augustine's Retirement Center Bingo Massacre of '92 (not to be confused with St. Benedict's Church Bingo Massacre that occurred three years earlier) when Agnes Hochmeier won what became the last Bingo match ever played in St. Augustine's.
Several rounds into this particular match came the "blackout" round, in which participants try to cover every space on their board. Many people had already won prizes, but among the two who had not yet won were Agnes Hochmeier and Richard Charleston. As the round went on, it became clear that Agnes and Richard were in a dead heat for the win, and when the announcer called "B-12," Agnes shouted, "Bingo!" at the top of her feeble lungs.
The agony of this particular defeat burned Richard far more than any other he had yet known. He needed only one more square to cover his board, and had the announcer called "O-63," that Bingo win would have been his. And since he had never been so close to a "blackout" win before, he was ready to go crazy on the place.
And go crazy he did. He yelled like a beast out of hell and overturned his Bingo table. He embarked on a maniacal rampage that involved pushing everybody else's Bingo cards on the floor, pulling the hair of his fellow residents, punching out the Bingo announcer, and trying to suck Agnes' blood like a vampire. Had his tantrum not taken so much of his energy, he may have succeeded in killing Anges and burning the whole building down, but he passed out shortly after he leapt at his Bingo rival's neck.
Two hours later a staff member arrived to escort the residents to dinner. In the aftermath of the massacre, however, most of the residents were not as hungry as usual. After dinner, Agnes was declared the winner and awarded her prize. Richard was given a one-hour timeout during social time the next day. Bingo was banned forever.
On October 15th, 1992, exactly sixteen years ago today, there occurred what is known as the St. Augustine's Retirement Center Bingo Massacre of '92 (not to be confused with St. Benedict's Church Bingo Massacre that occurred three years earlier) when Agnes Hochmeier won what became the last Bingo match ever played in St. Augustine's.
Several rounds into this particular match came the "blackout" round, in which participants try to cover every space on their board. Many people had already won prizes, but among the two who had not yet won were Agnes Hochmeier and Richard Charleston. As the round went on, it became clear that Agnes and Richard were in a dead heat for the win, and when the announcer called "B-12," Agnes shouted, "Bingo!" at the top of her feeble lungs.
The agony of this particular defeat burned Richard far more than any other he had yet known. He needed only one more square to cover his board, and had the announcer called "O-63," that Bingo win would have been his. And since he had never been so close to a "blackout" win before, he was ready to go crazy on the place.
And go crazy he did. He yelled like a beast out of hell and overturned his Bingo table. He embarked on a maniacal rampage that involved pushing everybody else's Bingo cards on the floor, pulling the hair of his fellow residents, punching out the Bingo announcer, and trying to suck Agnes' blood like a vampire. Had his tantrum not taken so much of his energy, he may have succeeded in killing Anges and burning the whole building down, but he passed out shortly after he leapt at his Bingo rival's neck.
Two hours later a staff member arrived to escort the residents to dinner. In the aftermath of the massacre, however, most of the residents were not as hungry as usual. After dinner, Agnes was declared the winner and awarded her prize. Richard was given a one-hour timeout during social time the next day. Bingo was banned forever.
10.13.2008
Rivers and Streams
Today's commute to and from work is far too jammed and tedious. According to a recent survey, the average American owns 2.5 cars and drives all of them to work every day, thus filling our streets and highways with several unmanned vehicles. I have tried to convince some American drivers to take only one car to work, but to no avail.
In lieu of a more reasonable solution, then, I suggest we take row boats to work!
The rivers and streams that fill our modern metropolises are currently wide open for the row boat commuter. Sure, they may not take you directly to your destination, but the benefits of taking a row boat to work (being in a row boat, rowing your own boat, no pollution) cancel out the fact that you may never arrive at work.
And rowboats are cheap! You could probably make your own out of aluminum foil and balsa wood for less than $20! Or, for those of you who are used to the luxury vehicles, you could purchase your own pre-made rowboat for what is probably a totally reasonable price.
If you ever see me driving to work again, please yell at me for my failure to take a row boat. And I will yell back something to the effect of, "You're right! Thank you, model citizen," or "How come you're not taking a row boat to work?"
In lieu of a more reasonable solution, then, I suggest we take row boats to work!
The rivers and streams that fill our modern metropolises are currently wide open for the row boat commuter. Sure, they may not take you directly to your destination, but the benefits of taking a row boat to work (being in a row boat, rowing your own boat, no pollution) cancel out the fact that you may never arrive at work.
And rowboats are cheap! You could probably make your own out of aluminum foil and balsa wood for less than $20! Or, for those of you who are used to the luxury vehicles, you could purchase your own pre-made rowboat for what is probably a totally reasonable price.
If you ever see me driving to work again, please yell at me for my failure to take a row boat. And I will yell back something to the effect of, "You're right! Thank you, model citizen," or "How come you're not taking a row boat to work?"
10.08.2008
Clash of the Titans
Whatever happened to Mt. Olympus? I mean, I know those Greek gods weren't real and everything, but they made for some pretty interesting stories. You could make a great sitcom about the misadventures of Zues and Hera. But it seems like everybody cares more about the latest presidential election than what the fake gods might be doing if they were starring on a network television show. For shame, America.
Let's take a brief glimpse into what this sitcom might look like. I haven't decided what to call it. I'm thinking something along the lines of The Gods Are Married. That's creative, right?
Zeus enters his palace home on Mt. Olympus.
HERA: Where have you been?
ZEUS: Sorry I'm late, honey. Hephaestus challenged me to a drinking contest again.
HERA: (laughing) If only mankind could hold its liquor like the gods can.
ZEUS: But alcoholism is hilarious. Why do you think I created it?
fake audience laughter
HERA: How come you have feathers all over you?
ZEUS: Um...after all the drinking, we, um, went to the chicken factory--
HERA: You didn't transform into a swan and rape that poor girl again, did you?
ZEUS: Well, so what if I did. I like being a swan.
HERA: Last time you did that, she gave birth to Helen, and the whole civilized world practically destroyed itself because she was so beautiful.
ZEUS: Hehe, yeah, that was pretty great.
fake audience laughter again
HERA: You should know better than to let that happen again.
ZEUS: Well maybe if I was getting any at home I wouldn't have to take the form of a swan and knock up the human chicks.
fake audience oohs
HERA: Keep it up, mister, and I'll wipe out every female on the planet.
ZEUS: That's what she said.
fake audience laughter
Zeus's head explodes, and Athena is born.
Let's take a brief glimpse into what this sitcom might look like. I haven't decided what to call it. I'm thinking something along the lines of The Gods Are Married. That's creative, right?
Zeus enters his palace home on Mt. Olympus.
HERA: Where have you been?
ZEUS: Sorry I'm late, honey. Hephaestus challenged me to a drinking contest again.
HERA: (laughing) If only mankind could hold its liquor like the gods can.
ZEUS: But alcoholism is hilarious. Why do you think I created it?
fake audience laughter
HERA: How come you have feathers all over you?
ZEUS: Um...after all the drinking, we, um, went to the chicken factory--
HERA: You didn't transform into a swan and rape that poor girl again, did you?
ZEUS: Well, so what if I did. I like being a swan.
HERA: Last time you did that, she gave birth to Helen, and the whole civilized world practically destroyed itself because she was so beautiful.
ZEUS: Hehe, yeah, that was pretty great.
fake audience laughter again
HERA: You should know better than to let that happen again.
ZEUS: Well maybe if I was getting any at home I wouldn't have to take the form of a swan and knock up the human chicks.
fake audience oohs
HERA: Keep it up, mister, and I'll wipe out every female on the planet.
ZEUS: That's what she said.
fake audience laughter
Zeus's head explodes, and Athena is born.
10.06.2008
Fun with History
My favorite thing about the Internets is how they're totally public domain. Anybody can say anything they want without having to back themselves up with facts or credible witnesses, and people will take it seriously. I'm pretty sure this is what society has always wanted but never been able to express.
So today, while reading about Egyptian demagogue Anwar Sadat, I saw a brilliant example of this. At the end of the summary paragraph at the top of the page, some adorable little punk had added, "All-around cool guy Anwar Williams is named after him." I don't know who Anwar Williams is, and if the Internets weren't giving every free-range chicken a voice, then I never would have.
The real crime is that this comment lasted not two minutes before it was deleted. Totally bogus. How will the Internets survive if they're so vigilantly moderated? Just like a chicken is not as delicious if it is not given free range, so a random comment is not as hilarious if it is deleted.
And we're worried about the economy. If this is how we treat our Internets, we don't deserve an economy.
So today, while reading about Egyptian demagogue Anwar Sadat, I saw a brilliant example of this. At the end of the summary paragraph at the top of the page, some adorable little punk had added, "All-around cool guy Anwar Williams is named after him." I don't know who Anwar Williams is, and if the Internets weren't giving every free-range chicken a voice, then I never would have.
The real crime is that this comment lasted not two minutes before it was deleted. Totally bogus. How will the Internets survive if they're so vigilantly moderated? Just like a chicken is not as delicious if it is not given free range, so a random comment is not as hilarious if it is deleted.
And we're worried about the economy. If this is how we treat our Internets, we don't deserve an economy.
10.01.2008
Hot Air Balloon Ride
Who wants to go for a hot air balloon ride?
I certainly do, and now I can whenever I want, thanks to my new hot air balloon pilot's license! I decided to take today off from work and go through an intense course in hot air balloon pilot training. Whether or not it was worth it, only time will tell.
I can't wait to spend the rest of this fall days floating above the colored trees, eating a sandiwch, reminiscing about life on the ground. I'll make friends with the hawks and the eagles, and they'll tell me tales of old kings and talking volcanoes. Of course I'll never come down because it's way too hard to land a hot air balloon.
One day, when I'm really old and my fame for being that old guy in the hot air balloon has spread around the country, I'll have a really long beard that will hang outside of the hot air balloon, and it will get caught in the power lines and my hot air balloon will crash and burn. There will be a blackout in the whole city and everybody will miss the series finale of Lost. Just like the prophets foretold. If only I had listened to them and not skipped work today and gotten my hot air balloon pilot's license.
I certainly do, and now I can whenever I want, thanks to my new hot air balloon pilot's license! I decided to take today off from work and go through an intense course in hot air balloon pilot training. Whether or not it was worth it, only time will tell.
I can't wait to spend the rest of this fall days floating above the colored trees, eating a sandiwch, reminiscing about life on the ground. I'll make friends with the hawks and the eagles, and they'll tell me tales of old kings and talking volcanoes. Of course I'll never come down because it's way too hard to land a hot air balloon.
One day, when I'm really old and my fame for being that old guy in the hot air balloon has spread around the country, I'll have a really long beard that will hang outside of the hot air balloon, and it will get caught in the power lines and my hot air balloon will crash and burn. There will be a blackout in the whole city and everybody will miss the series finale of Lost. Just like the prophets foretold. If only I had listened to them and not skipped work today and gotten my hot air balloon pilot's license.
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