Signing Off (for now)

In 45 minutes, I'm leaving for a two-week vacation. I'll be making stops in Milwaukee, Lake O' Ozarks, Kansas City, and Madison (see map below).


So you probably won't hear from me for a while. Maybe there's a computer in one of the places I'm going, so I might be able to give you one update along the way. This is all assuming I'm not kidnapped by the Malaysian secret police (long story [actually not that long, but a little boring]).

Merry Christmas, and a happy New Year!

The Dark History of Richfield

Don't ask me why, but I decided to do some "research" into the history of my hometown this morning, and I found some disturbing things. Richfield, Minnesota is not the pretty little town that you might have thought it was if you've ever heard of it before maybe.

When Richfield was first being settled in the mid-1800s, most of the settlers were immigrants*. However, some of those immigrants were ghosts! That's right. I don't mean that Richfield is haunted. From what I understand, these ghosts mostly kept to their own business and just farmed like everyone else. Also, they were Polish.

Richfield used to be much bigger than it is now, but a series of divisions and annexations brought it to its present size. In 1888, pirates who were kept in the county jail in west Richfield (as far west as present-day Highway 169*) broke out and staged a rebellion against the Richfield city government. They pirates waged war with the city for two years. When they reached peace, the pirates were allowed to break away and establish their own city. Richfield's western border was set at present-day Xerxes Ave, and the pirates named their city Edina*.

Richield's northern border used to extend far north enough to include both Lake Harriet and Lake Calhoun*. This border was later shortened when the Chinese annexed these parts of the city as part of their conquest of Tibet. They later sold those parts of the city to Minneapolis for a few million dollars and some nice T-shirts for Mao. Minneapolis renamed the street separating the two lakes "Richfield Road" in mockery of the once great city.

The Bartholomew House near Wood Lake, a registered National and Minnesota historic place*, was actually built in the late 1920s when then-mayor Bartholomew Joseph Anderson was kicked out of his house for cheating on his wife. He built the house mostly by himself, but he contracted polio before he could finish it. He enlisted some beavers to complete the construction. He died in 1931 of a combination of polio and beaver poisoning.

New Ford Town, a small part of Richfield annexed by the Chinese airport in the early 1990s*, was originally named after the first car in Richfield. The richest resident of early Richfield, and the only resident of New Ford Town, bought a new Ford truck for the long drives into the city. When the new truck arrived, he changed the name of his farm from Old Horse Town to New Ford Town.



NOTE: Starred sentences are true or contain some measure of truth.

Seven

For my next mix CD project, I will burn seven discs, each one themed after one of the seven virtues. I was all excited to work on this over the next few weeks, but then I encountered a problem. While the Catholic church named seven deadly sins, they named 14 virtues. Talk about going overboard.

There is one group of seven "capital" virtues, and each of these is the opposite of a deadly sin. Then there's the four "cardinal" virtues (prudence, justice, temperance, and fortitude), my personal favorites, which are often paired with the three "theological" virtues (faith, hope and charity). So which ones do I make my mix CDs for?

I'm gonna go with cardinal and theological, I think. That'll be the real challenge. Anybody could make a CD after the deadly sins or undeadly virtues, but tackling something like "fortitude" will require some sound mixology.

And to Adam: if you have any suggestions for any of these CDs, let me know, since you'll be the one to hear them on the drive down to Faithwalkers.

The Miracle of Plastic

Who can live without plastic? I know I can't. Without plastic, I wouldn't have my computer, my TV, my CDs, or my friends. But I think we all know what the most valuable plastic-related development is: fake vomit.

Thanks to fake vomit, we can play so many pranks on our junior high friends. You can put in their locker to make them think somebody puked in their locker, or you can put it on their desk to make them think somebody puked on their desk. The possibilities are endless!


I wonder what the world would be like without plastic. Would fake vomit be made of cloth? Would people freeze-dry regular vomit and sell that as fake? If I could only purchase cotton vomit, my life would be meaningless. I would never trade my plastic fake vomit, even if being plasticless would bring about world peace. Also in a world without plastic, man never would have landed on the moon.



Interesting fact about fake vomit: if you feed it to your dog, he'll give you real vomit!

Judgment Day

When you get a call from your parents, have you ever wondered if they've actually just been murdered by the Terminator and he's imitating their voices just trying to find out where you are so he can murder you too and prevent you from starting some human resistance group in the future?

I've wondered that sometimes, and I'm relieved when I find out it's not true. But what's funny is that even if it did end up being the Terminator, I would still tell them where I am. I may be putting myself in grave danger. Maybe next time I should make something up. Like I'm at the S&M club or something.

The Day I Almost Stopped Existing

Yesterday was a difficult day. As you may have noticed, I didn't blog. That may not have seemed unusual to you, but I actually had quite a bit to say. Thanks to the Nazis in this hot dog factory, my blogging apparatus was blocked due to sexual content. I don't see any sex here, do you?

Thankfully they brought it back up today, but now I don't remember any of the cool stuff I was going to talk about yesterday.

I could sure use a bagel right now.

Redesign

Welcome to Unspar's renewed blog in beta form! Nothing important has changed, but there are a few minor alterations I'd like to bring your attention to.

1: The link categories have all changed to titles of Keanu Reeves movies. This not only reflects my love for Keanu, but it better delineates between types of blogs and websites I frequent. For instance, Point Break, the greatest of all Keanu films, covers the high-quality mainstream links, and A Walk in the Clouds, debatably Keanu's girliest film, covers the girls' blogs.

2: Labels. I'm not totally satisfied with how I've set them up, but it's a start. I was purposely obscure with some labels, and for the sake of less obscurity, "Coal Mining" refers to work, and "Tumbleweeds" refers to boring posts and posts inspired by boredom.

3: My posts are now "Baked fresh" instead of "Written and Directed."

Enjoy life in the new millenium!

Handicapped Accessible

After all these years, we're still treating our disable people as second-class citizens. You know those handicapped ramps? They're all uphill! It's so cruel to make the handicapable strain their arms like that. It's even worse at my building: not only do they have to go up a ramp, but then there's a little hill to go up to get to the elevators. It's inhuman!

To truly be fair, we should have all our buildings slightly underground so that they can roll downhill to get in. I guess that means they'd have to go uphill to get out, though. Well, maybe they can all roll down to the basement and take the elevator up from there, then leave on the first floor. Or maybe we can just have all our buildings be flat and even.

Why do buildings have stairs at their entrances anyway? That doesn't make any sense at all.

Et Tu, Frozen Pizza?

I think I have to quit frozen pizza. We've had a long and tumultuous journey together, from the Tombstone Sunday nights at Mom's to the cheap Jack's that took care of me through college to the present day of cooking pizza in my laziness, but after the last few weeks, it's time for this run to come to an end.

A whole frozen pizza is now too much for my digestive system to take in one sitting. I know what you're thinking: I could just eat half the pizza, enjoy it, and enjoy the other half some other time. Not possible. I feel guilty for not eating the whole thing. I've cut myself off before, and it just seems like a waste. It'd be easier to never have frozen pizza again than to have only half of one at a time.

Looks like it's back to nothing but rice.

Numerous Syllables

The best names have two syllables.

I discovered this as I pondered over the names of some characters in my newest writing adventure. One-syllable names are OK, two-syllable names are ideal in every situation, and three-syllable names are utter disasters.

For instance, there is a female character who I have tentatively named "Lindsay." Unfortunately, despite the fact that this name has the perfect number of syllables, it doesn't work. I can't think of any real monosyllabic girl names. Only Ann, and I know too many Anns in real life. I considered changing her name to "Gloria," but who in their right mind would pronounce all three of those syllables? And you can't shorten that name. Glor?

Same goes for the rest of creation.
Kevin? Good. Roger? It's got an upside. Jasper? Solid gold. Bud, Pete, George? I threw up a little in my mouth just thinking of those. Or how about Sylvester, Julio, and Frankenstein? I'm imagining people who are horribly deformed and have speech impediments.

Yet somehow Ricardo Montalban is one of the greatest names mankind has ever known.

What Would Ricardo Montalban Do?

Dear Ricardo,
I didn't have time to rake my leaves this year, and it's already started snowing! Is there anything I can do to avoid a soggy mess come springtime?
Sincerely,
Peter Rutherford, St. Louis, MO

Dear Peter,
Your lawn is doomed, I'm afraid. I suggest you have your midget take care of the problem.
Cheers,
Ricardo Montalban

Dear Ricardo,
I love toast.
Johnny

Dear Johnny,
Toast is quite delicious. Just so you know, my career is more than just Fantasy Island and Wrath of Khan. I've guest-starred in several other television shows. Enjoy your toast.
Cheers,
Ricardo Montalban

Dear Ricardo,
My army of genetically-engineered clones just escaped from my lab. How do I stop them? And please hurry.
Dr. Jeffries

Dear Dr. Jeffries,
If you may recall, my role in Wrath of Khan was one of the escaped genetically-engineerd warriors. Therefore, my experience is more suited to evading capture and exacting revenge than to putting an end to their rampage. I apologize for the confusion.
Cheers,
Ricardo Montalban

Dear Ricardo,
You've got Genesis, but you don't have me. You were going to kill me. What's up?
Yours, Admiral James T. Kirk.

Dear Admiral Kirk,
I've done far worse than kill you, Admiral. I've hurt you. And I wish to go on hurting you. I shall leave you as you left me, as you left her: marooned for all eternity in the center of a dead planet, buried alive.
Cheers,
Ricardo Montalban

Dear Ricardo,
KHAAAAAAAAAAAN!!! I mean, MONTALBAAAAAAAAAAAN!!!
Yours, Admiral James T. Kirk.

Dear Admiral Kirk,
Sinister laughter.
Cheers,
Ricardo Montalban

The Moon

If there's one thing I love about the moon, it's that you can do anything you want to it. It's not like anybody cares about the moon. They don't have any littering laws, you don't have to keep your dog on a leash or clean up its poo, and you can blow up as much of it as you want.

Seriously though, if I had a giant missile, I'd definitely launch it at the moon. Same if I had a sweet laser. I wouldn't want to blow up the whole moon, just parts of it. We need to preserve some of the moon for posterity to blow up and let their dogs poop on too.

Somebody told me that a lot of elderly people live on the moon these days too, and we need to be sure we blow them up before they come after us.

Realistically, though, since I don't have a giant missile or a sweet laser, I guess I'll have to open a restaurant on the moon. I think I'll call it "Ben's Restaurant on the Moon." Or maybe "Hey Look! There's a Restaurant on the Moon!"

Not Joe Pesci

In the past half-hour or so, I've seen more references to Danny DeVito than I have in the past year. First IMDB puts a prominent advertisement for a movie about orgasms co-starring DeVito, then grumpy blogger extraordinaire Kevin Sawyer mentions his stay in the Lincoln bedroom, and fantasy football pundit Christopher Harris uses the short man in some analogy about Chiefs running back Larry Johnson.

What is going on?

Last thing I heard about Danny DeVito was nothing, and now this. It doesn't make any sense to me. I guess I don't care, but for a second I was shocked. I guess there aren't any better short, hairy guys to make fun of or put in movies, but still. Take it easy, people.

To return some balance to the world, my next three posts will reference Ricardo Montelban.

The Giant Brain Timeline

THE TIMELINE OF GIANT BRAIN ACTIVITY

Prehistory - Giant floating brains rule and oppress ancient cavemen. Man rises up, overthrows the giant brains and banishes them to outer space. This legendary battle is detailed in many ancient cave paintings.

1000 B.C. - Giant brains make their first appearance on earth since their exile. They play a practical joke in Egypt, convincing the people that their gods were funny-looking monsters.

300s B.C. - Alexander the Great unearths the dried husk of a giant brain during his conquest of Asia Minor. He tries to wear the brain as a helmet and dies shortly afterward.

31 B.C. - Roman principate founded. Giant brain becomes first Roman Emperor.

476-1330 A.D. - Dark Ages. Giant brains completely withdraw from Earth and Earth-related events to backpack across galaxy. Human science eschews intelligent developments.

1503 A.D. - Giant brain refuses to paint Mona Lisa.

July 11, 1798 - Angry mob of giant brains storms the Bastille and burn it to the ground. Giant brains later deny involvement, claiming France does not exist.

October 8-10, 1871 - Fire in Chicago destroys much of the city. No giant brains are harmed.

August 1948 - Giant brains invade Australia and are repulsed. They retreat to Antarctica and establish a colony. Many giant brains freeze to death. President Truman calls brains "stupid."

October 1, 1957 - The Brain from Planet Arous, the first film about giant brains, opens to rave reviews. Brain segregation intensifies.

1989-2001 - Giant brains approach extinction as Baywatch premiers and grows in popularity.

2001-present - Giant brains protected as endangered species, populations mostly clustered in wildlife preserves in Kenya.