Traveler's Guide: The 'Stans

I've received numerous requests for advice over the past few weeks from people about to travel to various destinations around the world, so I decided to open up a new little feature. Every now and then I'll give you some tips on how to survive the humiliation of international travel.

For our initial entry, I'll be rating the 'Stans, the dreary and dismal former Soviet republics that most of us don't know anything about. First, if you happen to be traveling to the 'Stans, I hope for your sake that it's only to stop there on your way somewhere else. Each is its own unique deathtrap, and once you leave the airport, you probably won't last the day. Or so I assume. I've never been near any of these places.

Here they are, from worst to best.

7. Pakistan. To be honest, the only reason this one's last on the list is because it technically doesn't count. Unlike the other 'stans, it has its own national identity as a never-was-a-Soviet-republic. If I were to compare it to the others, it'd be number 1. Pakistan is a utopian wonderland.
Interesting fact: there are no ugly people in Pakistan.

6. Turkmenistan. The Turkmen, as the people like to be called, are like that really annoying kid in middle school that always tried to hang out with the cool kid, but since the cool kid wouldn't have any of that crap, they always ended up hanging out with you. Don't ask me where I get that metaphor, but everybody says it's surprisingly accurate.
Interesting fact: the capital city, Ashgabat, means "City of Love," and it has the second highest crime rate of any city in the world. Its sister city is Albuquerque, New Mexico.

5. Uzbekistan. The most common misconception about this country is that it was named after the Uzi. The name actually derives from ancient gibberish that the illiterate natives use to yell at each other. Uzbekistan's fear of outsiders is demonstrated in the fact that their countryside is littered with the decapitated heads of space aliens.
Interesting fact: Uzbekistan is the second-most populated 'Stan because they count sheep, goats, and camels as children.

4. Kyrgyzstan. The country with perhaps the least pronouncable name in the entire world, Kyrgyzstan is largely ignored and cursed among the more civilized nations. The stamp of Russian communism remains strong here, as the people still worship Stalin in the country's many dank caves.
Interesting fact: the most popular games of this country involve horseback riding, including a game where a young man chases a young woman to kiss her, both while riding horses. If he fails, she beats him with a whip. (This, friends, is the one thing in this entry I did not make up.)

3. Afghanistan. For the first time in the past 15-20 years, Afghanistan seems like more of a post-apocalyptic wasteland than its 'Stan brethren. However, it still stands above the majority of them because people have heard of it before. Also, it is home to a large percentage of the world's Muslim acrobats.
Interesting fact: there is only one Jewish person in Afghanistan. (I didn't make that one up, either. Quote from the lone Jew after his last fellow Jew died: "He was a very bad man who tried to get me killed, and now I am the Jew here, I am the boss.")

2. Tajikistan. Here's some travel advice: if you go to Tajikistan in the next few days, you won't need a power adapter because the whole country's blacked out. Seriously. Bring a flashlight.
Interesting fact: The president of Tajikistan may or may not be Dracula. I guess that doesn't count as a fact. Sorry.

1. Kazakhstan. The Kazakh people always seem significantly less depressed than the rest of the people of Central Asia. Though scholars and psychiatrists are unsure why this is, the best theories say that Kazakhs think their country is bigger than the Ukraine. Which it is.
Interesting Fact: These guys play that horse-kissing game too. Do they not have TV in formerly communist countries?