F

F is for Forty



Forty is one of those numbers a lot of people forget about. Who can blame them? Wedged right between 39 and 41, it's easy to overlook this dull monster. I already forgot it a couple times while I was writing this.

There are some good things we should remember this number for, though:
-the year 1940, year of Disney's Pinocchio and the first black man on a postage stamp.
-it's the number of days and nights Noah and company had to do nothing while waiting for the flood to subside.
-it's the product of 4 and 10, or conversely, the product of 10 and 4.

F is not for Fifty.

E

E is for Explosions



E was originally going to be for a few different things before it ended up being for explosions. I considered elephantiasis, erectile dysfunction, and endocrine system, and I'm pretty sure all of those would have made for some enormously unpleasant pictures. Check out this one, though. That's a pretty big explosion. That'll ruin your farmland for years to come.

Deep down, though, when you get past all the oos and ahs, I'm pretty sure E is actually for erectile dysfunction.

D

D is for Drapery



There's this place by where I used to live called the Drapery Place or something, and whenever we drove by it somebody would make a joke that I can't remember. I only remember the punchline. "It's curtains for them!" You can imagine how that would be funny with the right set-up.

C

C is for Cretaceous



The cretaceous period is hands-down the sweetest dinosaur era. You've got the Triceratops, the T. Rex (I think), and maybe the Stegasaurus. No brontosaurus, though, and that was always my favorite. I was so pissed off when I found out he wasn't the biggest dinosaur ever. I felt like I'd wasted my life.

You know why they need to get their act together on this dinosaur cloning business? Cage matches. Breed more vicious animals to be ripped to shreds for my amusement! Dinosaurs vs. Olympic athletes!

B

B is for Batman



Remember Batman and Robin? Neither do I really, but I do remember that Batman's suit had nipples on it. Bad call, probably-Academy-Award-nominated costume designers.

A

A is for apple.



I don't get what the big deal with apples is anyway, but these alphabet things always start with apple. What about acrobats? Alaska? Amtrack? Apples don't even taste that good most of the time. And you know what's really bizarre? I have not met a single person who enjoys Red Delicious apples.

You know, there are a lot of apple myths that really bother me. Wheres the worm in the apple? That never happens. But I did once own an apple for about a month without eating it, and when I bit into it, it was all brown on the inside. That was pretty gross.

Alphabet Day

Once again, here's an introductory post that you probably won't read until you read all the entries that it's introducing. I'm really sorry it has to happen this way, but it's the laws of physics. Not much I can do about that, can I?

So anyway, to the thing I'm introducing. Today's blog theme will be "The Alphabet." Much like something I did in first or second grade, each entry will focus on a letter of the alphabet and something beginning with that letter. I will begin with A, follow that up with B, move onto C, and so on.

The goal is to finish the whole alphabet in the five or six hours I have remaining here today. It's sort of a busy day, so I don't know if I'll be able to do it. But here's hoping!

Mononucleosis

I don't remember ever feeling so much like mashed potatoes. My brain feels like gravy, though, so we go well together. It's like I'm one giant side-dish. Yuck.

Maybe I have mono. I can hardly conceive of how much that would suck. There would be a great many things I would rather have than mono. I would rather have a dozen mummies in my apartment. Actually, who wouldn't want that? Or, who wouldn't watch a sitcom about that? Nobody, that's who.

I hope the zombies will save me. I'm the one holding the sign that say "Eat My Brains, Please." But for now, I guess I'll party with the mononucleosis bacteria.

Whatever Gets You Through the Night

"Do not fear, only believe."
-Mark 5:36

Implosion

Christine has nothing to blog about today, and neither do I, but I need to do something to relieve the pressure (or is it non-pressure?) of this horrible work-filled day.

I may have set a personal record for most work done in a single day. I did 7 critical incidents (and there's still an hour lift in the day--this better not be a jinx), and I spent the majority of my free time fretting about those incidents along the other traumas of daily life. It was not a fun day.

Allow me to reflect for a moment: it's hard not to be depressed when everything going on is depressing. It's not like there's no hope, though. Of course there's hope. But please, God, deliver on some of it!

I just got a chocolate-covered almond from a coworker. While I don't much like chocolate, and I'm mostly indifferent to almonds, but this may mean my day is finally on an upswing. Probably not, but at least I can thank God for these little kindnesses that sustain me.

Don't Take it From Me, Part 2

(Don't Take it From Me, Part 1)

My pal Murgatroyd just back from being on tour with his band, so I figure I'd give him another shot at the advice column business.

Dear Murgatroyd,
My friends and I put sugar in my mom's gas tank, and she found out. Now I'm grounded for three months. What should I do?
Sincerely,
Nicholas Redfield

Dear Nick,
You should have asked that question before you got caught. My answer would have been, don't get caught. Now you are screwed.
Love,
Murgatroyd

Dear Murgatroyd,
I really like to go to the zoo. The zebras are my favorite. Last time I went to the zoo, I saw a zebra get stuck on top of another zebra. Mommy said that's how they stay warm. Is she right?
Sincerely,
I love zebras

Dear Zebra-lover,
Hahahahaha, that's awesome.
Love,
Murgatroyd

Dear Murgatroyd,
I just got fired from my waitressing job at TGI Fridays. Where should I go get a new job?
Sincerely,
Molly McCutcheon

Dear Molly,
I have worked many places, and the best place to work is the pet shop. You get to play with all the animals, and when you need to shoot your music video, you get to use all the puppies for free! However, you will get fired.
Love,
Murgatroyd

Dear Murgatroyd,
How's the doctorate coming?
Sincerely,
Prof. Edward Plummer

Dear Professor,
I am proposing my dissertation in two weeks. It will be on whether or not penguins can play guitar. I believe they can, and I drew a picture to prove it. I will be the best PhD of all time!
Love,
Murgatroyd

An Ode to Montana, Part 2

(An Ode to Montana, Part 1)

Hey, Montana, what the hell was that about?
I wrote you a sweet poem, and what do I get?
You stole my wallet and left me
For Alabama, one of the worst states ever,
And I'm pretty sure he's got VD.
Did I ever hit you or treat you wrong?
I don't think so, but there was that one time
That you caught me smoking pot with Rhode Island,
But what was the problem with that?
You didn't need to make a big deal out of it.
Maybe I never loved like you needed,
And since I don't really know anything about you,
I'd say you're probably right, even though
You'll never find anyone else who likes you.
Not like I care about you anymore, Montana,
Or like I even cared about you to begin with.
Sometimes I came home and didn't even recognize you.
It still pisses me off, though, I guess,
In a way similar to my distaste for cold syrup:
It doesn't ruin my pancake, but it won't do much for it.
So I decided to start over in a new place,
One that rings slighlty less hollow in memory.
It's Michigan, which is still mostly boring,
But it's sports teams have won championships,
And that's better than anything you've ever done,
Montana, you fat slut.