If I Ever Give an Awards Speech

(Part Two of three posts in quick succession)

Most of you who know me know at least two things: I like to be funny, and I like to plan ahead. You might not know the second thing, but that’s OK. It might not be true.

So in the spirit of being funny and planning ahead, I decided to draft the awards speech I will give whenever I win an award. If I ever actually win an award, I will probably give this speech, but it’ll probably include some variation depending on the context.

"Thank you all verrrrrrrry much! First of all, I’d like to thank my slaves without whom none of this would have been possible. Most slaves are a dime a dozen, but mine have been incredibly supportive and helpful, above and beyond what slaves are generally willing to do. I’d also like to thank my shirts. I don’t know if you can hear me, shirts, but I want you to know how much you’ve meant to me. You always back me up in my troubled times, and I know you’ll never sleeve me. And then there’s Mr. T, who really helped out as a kid when I did nothing but watch TV, but sometimes I get him confused with Bill Cosby. Oh, am I running out of time? OK. I’ll leave it at that. And my mom."

You’re welcome.