There's really not much interesting to say about the first round of a robot battle tournament. Robots fight each other, some of them talk in funny accents, and then one explodes. Thanks to plentiful explosions, you'll never again hear from Robot Czar Nicholas, Robot Edith Piaf, Robot Soren Kirkegaard, Robot Aristotle, Robot Winston Churchill, Robot Zapata, Robot Mandela, or Robot Montezuma.
Unfortunately, I didn't witness any of these "bouts" because I was busy. I think they all happened while I was in the bathroom or eating lunch or something. I caught the highlights later, though, and they weren't as interesting as you'd expect.
Actually, robot fighting in general seemed a whole lot less interesting than what I was hoping for. That sucks. Maybe I'll go back to trying to breed minotaurs and running them through mazes.
3.28.2008
3.27.2008
Robot Historical Figure Showdown!
I love robots, I love history, and I love imagining what it would be like if two people fought each other, so I decided to put together the most spectacular show in the history of fake boxing and/or fake wrestling--the Robot Historical Figure Showdown! I'm selecting a few of history's greatest people, presenting them in robot form, and pitting them against another historical figure in robot form in a mechanical battle across time!
Sixteen enter, and in a process of single elimination, one robot emerges victorious as the Greatest Robot Version of a Real Person Ever! Here are your first round matches, seeded somewhat arbitrarily:
(1) Robot Charlemagne vs.
(16) Robot Czar Nicholas II
(2) Robot Wayne Gretzky vs.
(15) Robot Edith Piaf
(3) Robot Mark Twain vs.
(14) Robot Soren Kirkegaard
(4) Robot Ferdinand Magellan vs.
(13) Robot Aristotle
(5) Robot Winston Churchill vs.
(12) Robot Queen Victoria
(6) Robot Emiliano Zapata vs.
(11) Robot Thomas Edison
(7) Robot Jesse Owens vs.
(10) Robot Nelson Mandela
(8) Robot Montezuma vs.
(9) Robot Sacajawea
Wow. I have to say, these matchups were NOT planned to be like this. If I had it my way, I would not have paired up the two emperors, the two writers, the two British leaders, the two black people, and the two single-word-named Native Americans. But I am really excited for Robot Wayne Gretzky vs. Robot Edith Piaf. That's gonna be fun.
Tune in tomorrow (or possibly later today) to see how this business shakes out.
Sixteen enter, and in a process of single elimination, one robot emerges victorious as the Greatest Robot Version of a Real Person Ever! Here are your first round matches, seeded somewhat arbitrarily:
(1) Robot Charlemagne vs.
(16) Robot Czar Nicholas II
(2) Robot Wayne Gretzky vs.
(15) Robot Edith Piaf
(3) Robot Mark Twain vs.
(14) Robot Soren Kirkegaard
(4) Robot Ferdinand Magellan vs.
(13) Robot Aristotle
(5) Robot Winston Churchill vs.
(12) Robot Queen Victoria
(6) Robot Emiliano Zapata vs.
(11) Robot Thomas Edison
(7) Robot Jesse Owens vs.
(10) Robot Nelson Mandela
(8) Robot Montezuma vs.
(9) Robot Sacajawea
Wow. I have to say, these matchups were NOT planned to be like this. If I had it my way, I would not have paired up the two emperors, the two writers, the two British leaders, the two black people, and the two single-word-named Native Americans. But I am really excited for Robot Wayne Gretzky vs. Robot Edith Piaf. That's gonna be fun.
Tune in tomorrow (or possibly later today) to see how this business shakes out.
3.26.2008
Invasion, Again
My house is under attack. My previous apartments have been under attack as well, only fruit flies and ants were much more managable than this. Even mice I could take care of, but this is a real problem.
We have salamanders.
Whenever I get an infestation of any kind, I ask myself two questions: how did this happen, and what can we do about it? My answers for this round are, I don't know, and I have no idea.
I know what I'm not going to do about it, though, and that's act like it's not that big of a deal. Maybe I can tolerate ants and mice and fruit flies, but they don't crawl into the shower and try to kill you, and they don't swell to ten times their normal size when they get angry. And most of the time you can't see them so you can act like they're not there, but there are usually at least three salamanders visible in my house wherever I go.
There are a couple good things about being infested with salamanders. For instance, I think it's saving us money on heating for some reason. Either science is even more or a nerd than I give him credit for, or the salamanders are clogging our ventilation. I guess it could be both.
We have salamanders.
Whenever I get an infestation of any kind, I ask myself two questions: how did this happen, and what can we do about it? My answers for this round are, I don't know, and I have no idea.
I know what I'm not going to do about it, though, and that's act like it's not that big of a deal. Maybe I can tolerate ants and mice and fruit flies, but they don't crawl into the shower and try to kill you, and they don't swell to ten times their normal size when they get angry. And most of the time you can't see them so you can act like they're not there, but there are usually at least three salamanders visible in my house wherever I go.
There are a couple good things about being infested with salamanders. For instance, I think it's saving us money on heating for some reason. Either science is even more or a nerd than I give him credit for, or the salamanders are clogging our ventilation. I guess it could be both.
Rip Van Ben
I just woke up from the best night of sleep I've ever had. I slept for 168 straight hours, which, in case you were wondering, is why I haven't blogged in seven days. I think a witch put a curse on me or something. Or maybe it's because of that poisonous frog I ate.
Two things about sleeping for an extended period of time: one, you invariably wake up with a long, gray beard. I wish I could prove that to you, but I shaved mine off this morning, so you'll just have to take my word for it. Two, you have have some really weird dreams. I dreamt about an enormous two-course dinner, and then I dreamt that I was on a plane and its engines exploded.
All in all, it's been a pretty uneventful week.
Two things about sleeping for an extended period of time: one, you invariably wake up with a long, gray beard. I wish I could prove that to you, but I shaved mine off this morning, so you'll just have to take my word for it. Two, you have have some really weird dreams. I dreamt about an enormous two-course dinner, and then I dreamt that I was on a plane and its engines exploded.
All in all, it's been a pretty uneventful week.
3.19.2008
Lazerz
I don't think we talk about lasers enough. I'm left unsatisfied by the bi-weekly laser discussion groups. We've got to expand this. We've got to get the whole world talking about lasers.
I'll start things off by talking about how lasers are awesomer than other things.
Lasers vs. the Interweb
The Interweb is way better than the Internet, but it still doesn't hold up to lasers. If the Interweb were a person, it wouldn't even exist anymore because it would be disintegrated by lasers.
Lasers vs. Marsupials
I don't know if you've seen any marsupials lately. Probably not because they've all been destroyed by lasers. Or if you did see any, I'm sure they were hiding lasers in their pouches next to their babies.
Lasers vs. Diamond
Lasers can't destroy diamonds, but they're still better than diamonds. Because if you have a giant pile of diamonds, somebody could still come in with a couple lasers and say, "Gimme all your diamonds," and you'd do it.
Lasers vs. Memorial Day
Veterans rule, as do paid holidays. Even still, lasers make any day better than Memorial Day. And if you had lasers one day and Memorial Day the next, you'd end up just wanting the lasers back. You'd probably even go to work on Memorial Day next year because lasers are just that good.
Now you should say something about lasers.
I'll start things off by talking about how lasers are awesomer than other things.
Lasers vs. the Interweb
The Interweb is way better than the Internet, but it still doesn't hold up to lasers. If the Interweb were a person, it wouldn't even exist anymore because it would be disintegrated by lasers.
Lasers vs. Marsupials
I don't know if you've seen any marsupials lately. Probably not because they've all been destroyed by lasers. Or if you did see any, I'm sure they were hiding lasers in their pouches next to their babies.
Lasers vs. Diamond
Lasers can't destroy diamonds, but they're still better than diamonds. Because if you have a giant pile of diamonds, somebody could still come in with a couple lasers and say, "Gimme all your diamonds," and you'd do it.
Lasers vs. Memorial Day
Veterans rule, as do paid holidays. Even still, lasers make any day better than Memorial Day. And if you had lasers one day and Memorial Day the next, you'd end up just wanting the lasers back. You'd probably even go to work on Memorial Day next year because lasers are just that good.
Now you should say something about lasers.
El Sol
The weatherologists are saying that the sun is finally making its permanent return to our sky after months of random several weeks-long disappearances. The whole country's spirits seem to be rising, and a wave of optimism that our policitians predict will last for the next dozen years is upon us. Unfortunately, that attitude blinds us to our impending doom. But that's usually the case, isn't it?
While the sun may seem nice and friendly from a distance, this is what it looks like up close. And unbeknownst to un-weatherified people, this is how we'll be seeing it in a few short months. That is, if we're not disintegrated first.
That's right, the sun is on a collision course for earth. I don't have anything insightful to say about that. I do want to be clear, though, that the sun is coming to us, not vice versa. But don't think that because we're orbiting that it might miss us. It definitely won't.
How do I know all this? Because I'm from the sun.
While the sun may seem nice and friendly from a distance, this is what it looks like up close. And unbeknownst to un-weatherified people, this is how we'll be seeing it in a few short months. That is, if we're not disintegrated first.
That's right, the sun is on a collision course for earth. I don't have anything insightful to say about that. I do want to be clear, though, that the sun is coming to us, not vice versa. But don't think that because we're orbiting that it might miss us. It definitely won't.
How do I know all this? Because I'm from the sun.
3.18.2008
A Time to Blog
Somewhere between 1-2 hours of my work day is wasted on the internet. Usually I don't really notice because it's not like it's intellectually engaging or anything. But today I spent a half hour of that internet time reading Barack Obama's latest speech (which was kindly posted in its entirety on Adam's site).
Did you notice that I said it took me a half hour to read it? It was a really long speech. And he'd probably take longer reading it out loud because of all those pauses politicians like to take. Pump that thing full of commercials and you've got a miniseries.
I miss the days of Abraham Lincoln, or I would had I been alive to experience them in the first place, when the speeches were short and the presidents were of abnormally high quality, but most importantly the speeches were short. I could have read the Gettysburg Address at least 10 times--ten!--in the time it took me read Barack's Declaration of Hope.
From now on, I'm voting on the "sit down, shut up" platform.
Did you notice that I said it took me a half hour to read it? It was a really long speech. And he'd probably take longer reading it out loud because of all those pauses politicians like to take. Pump that thing full of commercials and you've got a miniseries.
I miss the days of Abraham Lincoln, or I would had I been alive to experience them in the first place, when the speeches were short and the presidents were of abnormally high quality, but most importantly the speeches were short. I could have read the Gettysburg Address at least 10 times--ten!--in the time it took me read Barack's Declaration of Hope.
From now on, I'm voting on the "sit down, shut up" platform.
3.12.2008
Dolphins for Idiots
Every now and then the world of journalism offers us diamond hidden amongst the rough of political articles and local police reports. Today I found one such article, thanks to the science reporting department at a certain search engine. I sort of feel bad for the people who have to post these articles. They probably wish they were dealing with real science or real journalism or both, depending on their degrees.
Anyway, this golden article describes why playing with dolphins is not a valid mental health treatment. Thankfully, the writer of the article has enough common sense to tell us that dolphin-assisted therapy was a joke of a treatment from day one, and if this country was full of sensible people, this article wouldn't even need to be written. So it's a fun read.
What shocks me most of all is that playing with dolphins has been used for illnesses as serious as autism for over 30 years! Did it really take everyone 30 years to realize that dolphins don't cure autism? More importantly, at least part of the legitimate scientific community took this business seriously for that long? In case you're willing to forgive those scientists their ignorance, I should tell you that this technique was founded by someone who took a lot of LSD and then claimed he could communicate with dolphins and aliens. So it had a really credible background.
The highlight of the whole thing, though, is this comment at the end of the article: "It may be that we are merely charmed by the dolphin's Joker-like smile, which of course isn't a smile but rather the natural shape of its mouth that fools us into thinking they like us." If only they had dolphin-insight like this 30 years ago so I wouldn't have to waste your time with this blog post.
Anyway, this golden article describes why playing with dolphins is not a valid mental health treatment. Thankfully, the writer of the article has enough common sense to tell us that dolphin-assisted therapy was a joke of a treatment from day one, and if this country was full of sensible people, this article wouldn't even need to be written. So it's a fun read.
What shocks me most of all is that playing with dolphins has been used for illnesses as serious as autism for over 30 years! Did it really take everyone 30 years to realize that dolphins don't cure autism? More importantly, at least part of the legitimate scientific community took this business seriously for that long? In case you're willing to forgive those scientists their ignorance, I should tell you that this technique was founded by someone who took a lot of LSD and then claimed he could communicate with dolphins and aliens. So it had a really credible background.
The highlight of the whole thing, though, is this comment at the end of the article: "It may be that we are merely charmed by the dolphin's Joker-like smile, which of course isn't a smile but rather the natural shape of its mouth that fools us into thinking they like us." If only they had dolphin-insight like this 30 years ago so I wouldn't have to waste your time with this blog post.
3.11.2008
The NCAA Tournament of the Future
March Madness is nearly upon us once again, and for the first time in three years, I'll actually be able to watch it. But as exciting as that may or may not be, the fun's not in watching the games, nor is it in picking the winners. The real fun lies in imagining which teams will make it to the Final Four 100 years in the future!
Before I name my picks for the 2108 Final Four, there are a few things we need to understand about the future of college basketball. One, as a result of the Big Six Conference Wars of the 2040s, most major competitive schools have been destroyed and no longer are part of the NCAA. Mid-major conferences, however, still receive no respect, and the gap is filled mostly by Robot Universities. Two, many student athletes have been killed by the robots. Three, basketball in the future is played on soccer fields and the nets are 50 feet high, in order to make the game more difficult for the robots.
Now my picks:
(2) Robot University of Southern Florida--I expect these guys to pull off the upset over #1 seed Robot University of Utah because while the Utahnanians build their robots with great endurance, they don't build them with much improvisation. The robot team from RUSF, however, is young and eager and sometimes crazy, which could surprise the Utahnanian robots.
vs
(1) Robot University of The Texas Empire--Ever since Texas took over most of Mexico and the South and the Southwest and became "The Texas Empire," they've been an unstoppable juggernaut. They'd be my pick to win it all, but like most robots, they tend to get overconfident and show-boaty, only to get embarrassed by a team of humans or something.
In the other bracket...
(11) George Mason Non-Robots--It's a real long shot I know, especially since they've got some seriously murderous competition in Los Angeles Island and Western Pennsylvania County, whose star center, The Floating Laser Orb, has killed 36 humans already this year, including the entire Lesser Michigan Non-Robot team. But these George Mason Non-Robots, assuming enough of them survive, are the most likley non-robot team to pull out the wins to make it.
vs
(1) Robot University of North Dakota--The team with the biggest robots of all (average team height of 15 1/2 ft) is a lock to make it to the Final Four. They're slightly advantaged too because their bracket has more non-robot teams than the others. Of course, if North Dakota gets nuked in the next week or two, a very likely scenario, this team may not have enough of a power source to make it through more than 2 games.
RUTE over RUSF: 1,061 to 936
RUND over GMNR: 590 to 0
RUND over RUTE: 676 to 669
Before I name my picks for the 2108 Final Four, there are a few things we need to understand about the future of college basketball. One, as a result of the Big Six Conference Wars of the 2040s, most major competitive schools have been destroyed and no longer are part of the NCAA. Mid-major conferences, however, still receive no respect, and the gap is filled mostly by Robot Universities. Two, many student athletes have been killed by the robots. Three, basketball in the future is played on soccer fields and the nets are 50 feet high, in order to make the game more difficult for the robots.
Now my picks:
(2) Robot University of Southern Florida--I expect these guys to pull off the upset over #1 seed Robot University of Utah because while the Utahnanians build their robots with great endurance, they don't build them with much improvisation. The robot team from RUSF, however, is young and eager and sometimes crazy, which could surprise the Utahnanian robots.
vs
(1) Robot University of The Texas Empire--Ever since Texas took over most of Mexico and the South and the Southwest and became "The Texas Empire," they've been an unstoppable juggernaut. They'd be my pick to win it all, but like most robots, they tend to get overconfident and show-boaty, only to get embarrassed by a team of humans or something.
In the other bracket...
(11) George Mason Non-Robots--It's a real long shot I know, especially since they've got some seriously murderous competition in Los Angeles Island and Western Pennsylvania County, whose star center, The Floating Laser Orb, has killed 36 humans already this year, including the entire Lesser Michigan Non-Robot team. But these George Mason Non-Robots, assuming enough of them survive, are the most likley non-robot team to pull out the wins to make it.
vs
(1) Robot University of North Dakota--The team with the biggest robots of all (average team height of 15 1/2 ft) is a lock to make it to the Final Four. They're slightly advantaged too because their bracket has more non-robot teams than the others. Of course, if North Dakota gets nuked in the next week or two, a very likely scenario, this team may not have enough of a power source to make it through more than 2 games.
RUTE over RUSF: 1,061 to 936
RUND over GMNR: 590 to 0
RUND over RUTE: 676 to 669
Unicorns Are Real
We've all heard it before. It's not like I'm breaking new scientific ground or anything by saying unicorns are real. I just think it's worth reiterating.
3.10.2008
Uncharacteristic Serious Post
I'm feeling very serious today, so I had a serious reaction to something that caught my eye. The Vatican has recently released an edict or an update of some sort that named the "new sins" of the modern age. The list (which didn't actually appear in list form, which would have made it easier on all of us) includes pollution, drugs, economic disparity, and genetic manipulation.
Really? Has the world reached a point where the "old sins" aren't relevant anymore? Or are we so oblivious to the rampant sins of greed, pride, and lust that we need to come up with sins we can understand and relate to without searching our hearts? Does anyone care that it's a sin not to love God?
I'm no fan of pollution either, but all this does is make us able to point fingers at corporations and governments and accuse them. But sin doesn't exist for us to judge one another about it--it's to make us aware of our need for grace and salvation through Jesus Christ. Instead of telling the polluters and drug users of the world that they're sinners, the Vatican should telling you and me and every last one of us that we're sinners. And then they should tell us that the only way to be forgiven for your sins is to believe in Jesus Christ, who loves us despite all the crap we've done. (But maybe if they told people that they weren't all as great as they think they are and that they didn't need to be forgiven by the priest, they'd stop coming to mass.)
It just frustrates me that anyone would think that this "modern" world needs to identify "modern" sins. The real situation in this world is that the regular old sins have just gotten a lot more out of control. I wish people would stop being PC and appealing to liberal (or conservative) sentiment and get down to how it really is--we're in a desperate situation, and unless we figure this life out right, we're dead.
Really? Has the world reached a point where the "old sins" aren't relevant anymore? Or are we so oblivious to the rampant sins of greed, pride, and lust that we need to come up with sins we can understand and relate to without searching our hearts? Does anyone care that it's a sin not to love God?
I'm no fan of pollution either, but all this does is make us able to point fingers at corporations and governments and accuse them. But sin doesn't exist for us to judge one another about it--it's to make us aware of our need for grace and salvation through Jesus Christ. Instead of telling the polluters and drug users of the world that they're sinners, the Vatican should telling you and me and every last one of us that we're sinners. And then they should tell us that the only way to be forgiven for your sins is to believe in Jesus Christ, who loves us despite all the crap we've done. (But maybe if they told people that they weren't all as great as they think they are and that they didn't need to be forgiven by the priest, they'd stop coming to mass.)
It just frustrates me that anyone would think that this "modern" world needs to identify "modern" sins. The real situation in this world is that the regular old sins have just gotten a lot more out of control. I wish people would stop being PC and appealing to liberal (or conservative) sentiment and get down to how it really is--we're in a desperate situation, and unless we figure this life out right, we're dead.
3.07.2008
The Guy Who Doesn't Like Candy and Blankets
You may recall me saying in my previous post, I just want to really warm and fuzzy and fully of candy. Who doesn't want that? Well, I just found out who.
This guy hates candy and blankets.
Actually I have no idea who that guy is. I just found that randomly. All I know is that someone texted me saying they hate candy and blankets. And whoever said that is probably a jerk, like the guy in the picture up there.
But at least now I don't have to ask who hates candy and blankets. Thanks to the wonders of the Interweb, we all know that that guy does.
This guy hates candy and blankets.
Actually I have no idea who that guy is. I just found that randomly. All I know is that someone texted me saying they hate candy and blankets. And whoever said that is probably a jerk, like the guy in the picture up there.
But at least now I don't have to ask who hates candy and blankets. Thanks to the wonders of the Interweb, we all know that that guy does.
Candy and Blankets
Today is one of those days where I could spend the entire day wrapped up in blankets and eating candy. I just want to really warm and fuzzy and fully of candy. Who doesn't want that?
I can imagine it now. Lying on that couch upstairs, all four of my blankets surrounding my body like a coocoon, heart beating a pleasant 60 times per minute, watching Point Break a few times in a row while fairies fly around and feed me delicious candy I've only dreamed about.
A little bit of heaven on earth, that's what candy and blankets would be to me today. But instead I'm working in some dismal office building that's a cool 55 degrees, trying to scrape out some pieces of chocolate that all melted together in a bucket last week. I may very well die within the next two hours.
I can imagine it now. Lying on that couch upstairs, all four of my blankets surrounding my body like a coocoon, heart beating a pleasant 60 times per minute, watching Point Break a few times in a row while fairies fly around and feed me delicious candy I've only dreamed about.
A little bit of heaven on earth, that's what candy and blankets would be to me today. But instead I'm working in some dismal office building that's a cool 55 degrees, trying to scrape out some pieces of chocolate that all melted together in a bucket last week. I may very well die within the next two hours.
3.05.2008
Let's Get Silly
It's time we get this boat back on track. I'm afraid this blog has gotten a little sidetracked into the "making fun of animals" theme. I'm becoming a one-trick pony, only not as pretty.
Animals are funny, and the material is ripe and unharvested. Honestly, when I wrote that thing about your bedroom being full of rabbits, I was asking myself why the stand-up comics had never done anything like this. But then I took it too far. Yes, I'm the Genghis Khan of animal blogging.
The obvious question is: have I become the autistic bizarro version of a babyblog?
Then the second-most obvious question is: isn't the world waiting for an autistic bizarro version of a babyblog?
Please don't answer those questions. Just enjoy this picture of a monkey driving a bus.
Animals are funny, and the material is ripe and unharvested. Honestly, when I wrote that thing about your bedroom being full of rabbits, I was asking myself why the stand-up comics had never done anything like this. But then I took it too far. Yes, I'm the Genghis Khan of animal blogging.
The obvious question is: have I become the autistic bizarro version of a babyblog?
Then the second-most obvious question is: isn't the world waiting for an autistic bizarro version of a babyblog?
Please don't answer those questions. Just enjoy this picture of a monkey driving a bus.
Traveler's Guide: The 'Stans
I've received numerous requests for advice over the past few weeks from people about to travel to various destinations around the world, so I decided to open up a new little feature. Every now and then I'll give you some tips on how to survive the humiliation of international travel.
For our initial entry, I'll be rating the 'Stans, the dreary and dismal former Soviet republics that most of us don't know anything about. First, if you happen to be traveling to the 'Stans, I hope for your sake that it's only to stop there on your way somewhere else. Each is its own unique deathtrap, and once you leave the airport, you probably won't last the day. Or so I assume. I've never been near any of these places.
Here they are, from worst to best.
7. Pakistan. To be honest, the only reason this one's last on the list is because it technically doesn't count. Unlike the other 'stans, it has its own national identity as a never-was-a-Soviet-republic. If I were to compare it to the others, it'd be number 1. Pakistan is a utopian wonderland.
Interesting fact: there are no ugly people in Pakistan.
6. Turkmenistan. The Turkmen, as the people like to be called, are like that really annoying kid in middle school that always tried to hang out with the cool kid, but since the cool kid wouldn't have any of that crap, they always ended up hanging out with you. Don't ask me where I get that metaphor, but everybody says it's surprisingly accurate.
Interesting fact: the capital city, Ashgabat, means "City of Love," and it has the second highest crime rate of any city in the world. Its sister city is Albuquerque, New Mexico.
5. Uzbekistan. The most common misconception about this country is that it was named after the Uzi. The name actually derives from ancient gibberish that the illiterate natives use to yell at each other. Uzbekistan's fear of outsiders is demonstrated in the fact that their countryside is littered with the decapitated heads of space aliens.
Interesting fact: Uzbekistan is the second-most populated 'Stan because they count sheep, goats, and camels as children.
4. Kyrgyzstan. The country with perhaps the least pronouncable name in the entire world, Kyrgyzstan is largely ignored and cursed among the more civilized nations. The stamp of Russian communism remains strong here, as the people still worship Stalin in the country's many dank caves.
Interesting fact: the most popular games of this country involve horseback riding, including a game where a young man chases a young woman to kiss her, both while riding horses. If he fails, she beats him with a whip. (This, friends, is the one thing in this entry I did not make up.)
3. Afghanistan. For the first time in the past 15-20 years, Afghanistan seems like more of a post-apocalyptic wasteland than its 'Stan brethren. However, it still stands above the majority of them because people have heard of it before. Also, it is home to a large percentage of the world's Muslim acrobats.
Interesting fact: there is only one Jewish person in Afghanistan. (I didn't make that one up, either. Quote from the lone Jew after his last fellow Jew died: "He was a very bad man who tried to get me killed, and now I am the Jew here, I am the boss.")
2. Tajikistan. Here's some travel advice: if you go to Tajikistan in the next few days, you won't need a power adapter because the whole country's blacked out. Seriously. Bring a flashlight.
Interesting fact: The president of Tajikistan may or may not be Dracula. I guess that doesn't count as a fact. Sorry.
1. Kazakhstan. The Kazakh people always seem significantly less depressed than the rest of the people of Central Asia. Though scholars and psychiatrists are unsure why this is, the best theories say that Kazakhs think their country is bigger than the Ukraine. Which it is.
Interesting Fact: These guys play that horse-kissing game too. Do they not have TV in formerly communist countries?
For our initial entry, I'll be rating the 'Stans, the dreary and dismal former Soviet republics that most of us don't know anything about. First, if you happen to be traveling to the 'Stans, I hope for your sake that it's only to stop there on your way somewhere else. Each is its own unique deathtrap, and once you leave the airport, you probably won't last the day. Or so I assume. I've never been near any of these places.
Here they are, from worst to best.
7. Pakistan. To be honest, the only reason this one's last on the list is because it technically doesn't count. Unlike the other 'stans, it has its own national identity as a never-was-a-Soviet-republic. If I were to compare it to the others, it'd be number 1. Pakistan is a utopian wonderland.
Interesting fact: there are no ugly people in Pakistan.
6. Turkmenistan. The Turkmen, as the people like to be called, are like that really annoying kid in middle school that always tried to hang out with the cool kid, but since the cool kid wouldn't have any of that crap, they always ended up hanging out with you. Don't ask me where I get that metaphor, but everybody says it's surprisingly accurate.
Interesting fact: the capital city, Ashgabat, means "City of Love," and it has the second highest crime rate of any city in the world. Its sister city is Albuquerque, New Mexico.
5. Uzbekistan. The most common misconception about this country is that it was named after the Uzi. The name actually derives from ancient gibberish that the illiterate natives use to yell at each other. Uzbekistan's fear of outsiders is demonstrated in the fact that their countryside is littered with the decapitated heads of space aliens.
Interesting fact: Uzbekistan is the second-most populated 'Stan because they count sheep, goats, and camels as children.
4. Kyrgyzstan. The country with perhaps the least pronouncable name in the entire world, Kyrgyzstan is largely ignored and cursed among the more civilized nations. The stamp of Russian communism remains strong here, as the people still worship Stalin in the country's many dank caves.
Interesting fact: the most popular games of this country involve horseback riding, including a game where a young man chases a young woman to kiss her, both while riding horses. If he fails, she beats him with a whip. (This, friends, is the one thing in this entry I did not make up.)
3. Afghanistan. For the first time in the past 15-20 years, Afghanistan seems like more of a post-apocalyptic wasteland than its 'Stan brethren. However, it still stands above the majority of them because people have heard of it before. Also, it is home to a large percentage of the world's Muslim acrobats.
Interesting fact: there is only one Jewish person in Afghanistan. (I didn't make that one up, either. Quote from the lone Jew after his last fellow Jew died: "He was a very bad man who tried to get me killed, and now I am the Jew here, I am the boss.")
2. Tajikistan. Here's some travel advice: if you go to Tajikistan in the next few days, you won't need a power adapter because the whole country's blacked out. Seriously. Bring a flashlight.
Interesting fact: The president of Tajikistan may or may not be Dracula. I guess that doesn't count as a fact. Sorry.
1. Kazakhstan. The Kazakh people always seem significantly less depressed than the rest of the people of Central Asia. Though scholars and psychiatrists are unsure why this is, the best theories say that Kazakhs think their country is bigger than the Ukraine. Which it is.
Interesting Fact: These guys play that horse-kissing game too. Do they not have TV in formerly communist countries?
3.03.2008
Thorax
My least favorite thing about not being an insect is my lack of thorax.
However, I just learned that I do, in fact, have a thorax. It's between my neck and abdomen.
In that case, my least favorite thing about not being an insect is that I don't have wings attached to my thorax.
However, I just learned that I do, in fact, have a thorax. It's between my neck and abdomen.
In that case, my least favorite thing about not being an insect is that I don't have wings attached to my thorax.
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