The Big Secret

So in my travels abroad over the past two weeks (which I did not, in fact, spend with bears), I met a former employee of a certain clothing establishment. Because I don't want to cause too much of a scandal, I won't name it. But he let me in on some of their hiring practices, and one of them is shocking.

This place only hires gila monsters disguised as people.

I bet now you can guess which one it is. But in case you can't, it's Abercrombie. Thankfully this guy I met wasn't actually a gila monster, which is why he no longer works there. So next time you find somebody's mostly-devoured corpse in the middle of an Abercrombie store, you'll who ate them. The gila monster employees wearing human skin.


I've always been suspicious of gila monsters. And now that my suspicions are justified, you can't say I'm crazy and try to get me committed anymore.