Real Capitalism

People say our capitalist society is evil, and to prove them right, I am putting my vote up for sale. If I get particularly industrious about this (unlikely), I may even post it on craigslist. Because, my friends and countrymen, and I am more than willing to sell my country out.

I was inspired by a discussion last night in which a couple of my friends explained that one of their drunken coworkers promised to pay them $200 to vote for a certain candidate. It made me realize what an idiot I would be for voting for free. Why should I not get paid for wasting my vote when someone could pay me to waste it? This idea, while fundamentally opposed to the values of our constitution, is utterly brilliant and without flaw.

I realize that with our secret ballot system, I could ostensibly sell my vote and still vote for whoever I want. But I will freely tell you that I would not vote if I was not paid to vote. Voting is inconvenient, confusing, and all the old people at the voting places talk really slow. So unless I can make a profit, I'm not going to deal with it.

Better yet, if you're too young to vote, a convicted felon, or just feel like voting twice, I'd be willing to lend you a copy of my ID and a pair of glasses that look like mine (they're actually my roommate's) so you can vote in my place! This one comes with an extra charge, though, as all involved would probably get arrested.

To be honest, I would be willing to sell my vote for a McDonald's hamburger. My vote is worth at least that. Come on, McCain and Obama campaigns, you can at least take me out for a hamburger.