Dear Boyfriend,
I'm really sorry to do this, but we're through. I know I wanted to get back together, and I wrote "Unbreak My Heart" and requested it all the time on the radio until you came back to me, but it was a mistake. There were and still are a lot of irreconcilable differences between us that made us break up, and I guess I was blind to all that when I wrote that song. Maybe I should have just gotten over it. Again, I'm really sorry, but this will be for the best.
Now I know this might be even harder for you, but I'm keeping all of your stuff. You moved in here, and now your stuff is on my property. You probably should have thought things through a little better before you moved out of your parents' house. And I know how much you love your boa constrictor, but Rex is mine now too, and I plan on training him to kill you if you come within 500 feet of here.
Sincerely,
Toni Braxton
1.19.2007
Funny Story
So I went to the park yesterday for a walk, and I saw this guy shoveling the path. I tried to get around him, but I didn't want to get snow on my shoes. So I was stuck.
"Watch it, pal," he said.
"Watch what?"
"The gnomes."
This confused me. "The gnomes?" I asked.
"Why else do you think I'm shoveling? For you?"
"Uh huh."
He stopped his shoveling and turned around. "Think you're better than the gnomes, do ya?"
"I don't know," I said, frightened.
"They could take you down right now if they wanted to."
"What?"
"So you better be happy that they're too drunk," and he returned to his shoveling.
I decided it was best not to continue this conversation, so I turned around and walked back the way I came. I felt a little relieved.
"Watch it, pal," he said.
"Watch what?"
"The gnomes."
This confused me. "The gnomes?" I asked.
"Why else do you think I'm shoveling? For you?"
"Uh huh."
He stopped his shoveling and turned around. "Think you're better than the gnomes, do ya?"
"I don't know," I said, frightened.
"They could take you down right now if they wanted to."
"What?"
"So you better be happy that they're too drunk," and he returned to his shoveling.
I decided it was best not to continue this conversation, so I turned around and walked back the way I came. I felt a little relieved.
1.17.2007
Guest Post
My former coworker Steve recently brought it to my attention that prospective employers will search the internet for their applicants' blogs in order to discern who would be the better candidate. In the spirit of improved employability, I suggested I start a fake "cover" blog for prospective employers to find for me. This blog will (apparently) be written by Steve. Here is Steve's first post on my fake blog:
"1/17/07 Wednesday: Today was a great day. I came to work an hour early as per usual just to help some of my co-workers clear their work load. Well as I was picking up a bagel for my boss (what a great guy!) I ran into an elderly woman attempting to cross the street. Well... one thing lead to another and the next thing you know I was helping her across the street! Can you beleive it? What a privilege to be alive."
NOTE: I googled my name, and this blog does not show up on the first page of any variation of it. I'm safe...for now.
"1/17/07 Wednesday: Today was a great day. I came to work an hour early as per usual just to help some of my co-workers clear their work load. Well as I was picking up a bagel for my boss (what a great guy!) I ran into an elderly woman attempting to cross the street. Well... one thing lead to another and the next thing you know I was helping her across the street! Can you beleive it? What a privilege to be alive."
NOTE: I googled my name, and this blog does not show up on the first page of any variation of it. I'm safe...for now.
1.16.2007
Fake Real News
British Research University Proves its Research is Worthless
According to a study done by "scientists" at the University of Warwick, scientists who win the Nobel Prize live two years longer than regular scientists. While this story is neither interesting nor relevant to anything ever, it is pointless, and in a way, that's funny.
Decline in Panda Reproduction Linked to Increase in Panda Obesity
The actual headline of this story is "Male Panda Too Fat to Have Sex." I can't believe I have a rational objection to this story, but aren't pandas supposed to be giant?
According to a study done by "scientists" at the University of Warwick, scientists who win the Nobel Prize live two years longer than regular scientists. While this story is neither interesting nor relevant to anything ever, it is pointless, and in a way, that's funny.
Decline in Panda Reproduction Linked to Increase in Panda Obesity
The actual headline of this story is "Male Panda Too Fat to Have Sex." I can't believe I have a rational objection to this story, but aren't pandas supposed to be giant?
Bing Crosby vs. Bill Cosby
PART ONE
Bing Crosby
Bing Crosby once sang a song with the line "It's cold outside." The man was onto something. Today a lot of people who probably haven't heard that song in years have greeted me with the words, "Staying warm?" The answer is yes. The real question, though, should be, "Staying awake?" in which case the answer would be no.
PART TWO
Bill Cosby
This morning I put on a sweater that looks like I stole it from The Cosby Show. Its colors and diamond pattern are perfectly fit for the Cos. It makes me feel a little self-conscious, but it's also an awesome sweater. Cosby or not, I will continue to wear this sweater.
And the winner is...
Bill Cosby.
Bing Crosby
Bing Crosby once sang a song with the line "It's cold outside." The man was onto something. Today a lot of people who probably haven't heard that song in years have greeted me with the words, "Staying warm?" The answer is yes. The real question, though, should be, "Staying awake?" in which case the answer would be no.
PART TWO
Bill Cosby
This morning I put on a sweater that looks like I stole it from The Cosby Show. Its colors and diamond pattern are perfectly fit for the Cos. It makes me feel a little self-conscious, but it's also an awesome sweater. Cosby or not, I will continue to wear this sweater.
And the winner is...
Bill Cosby.
1.12.2007
Seven Minutes 'til the Apocalypse
In the latest oppressively idiotic development, The Bulletin of Atomic Scientists will be moving the hands on their "Doomsday Clock" next Wednesday.
The Doomsday Clock was born in the 40s and initially set at seven minutes to midnight, midnight representing armageddon. The clocks hands have been moved over a dozen times, and it is currently set at seven minutes to midnight.
Though we have traveled back and forth through doomstime, we haven't gone very far in either direction. In 1953, following U.S. and Soviet hydrogen bomb tests, we were two minutes away from disaster. In 1991, following the end of the Cold War, we were a safe seventeen minutes from the same disaster.
This approach seems flawed.
If I were in charge of the Doomsday Clock, I think I would have initially set it somewhere in the 200 to 1,000 years to midnight range. Setting the clock at seven minutes to midnight at the beginning of this project lacks foresight. But then again, hindsight is 20/20, seeing as we haven't been blown to kingdom come in the recent minutes.
I also think I would be more generous with clock adjustments. Seventeen minutes from utter catastrophe during one of the most peaceful times of our century hardly seems fair. I mean, were the 70s really that much worse?
I've wasted too much time talking about this. I need to live it up in my last four minutes of existence. Whoops, three minutes. I kinda wish I'd been more adequately prepared. Thanks, doomsday scientists.
The Doomsday Clock was born in the 40s and initially set at seven minutes to midnight, midnight representing armageddon. The clocks hands have been moved over a dozen times, and it is currently set at seven minutes to midnight.
Though we have traveled back and forth through doomstime, we haven't gone very far in either direction. In 1953, following U.S. and Soviet hydrogen bomb tests, we were two minutes away from disaster. In 1991, following the end of the Cold War, we were a safe seventeen minutes from the same disaster.
This approach seems flawed.
If I were in charge of the Doomsday Clock, I think I would have initially set it somewhere in the 200 to 1,000 years to midnight range. Setting the clock at seven minutes to midnight at the beginning of this project lacks foresight. But then again, hindsight is 20/20, seeing as we haven't been blown to kingdom come in the recent minutes.
I also think I would be more generous with clock adjustments. Seventeen minutes from utter catastrophe during one of the most peaceful times of our century hardly seems fair. I mean, were the 70s really that much worse?
I've wasted too much time talking about this. I need to live it up in my last four minutes of existence. Whoops, three minutes. I kinda wish I'd been more adequately prepared. Thanks, doomsday scientists.
Science Lesson
It's finally winter here in Minnesota. The current temperature in my area is 6 degrees Farenheit. While these frigid conditions often inspire fear and sadness in my heart, today they inspired curiosity. For well-respected, degree-holding scienticians like myself, cold weather can be a time for learning as well as bad attidudes and auto trouble.
Lesson #1: When it's cold, things freeze.
When I got in my scientician-approved rocket car this morning, I noticed that my glass bottle of science water was heavier. I tried to pour some of the science water out, but it was stuck. I studied this unusual condition for some time, and I eventually concluded that the water was frozen. Chalk up yet another victory for science.
Lesson #2: Water expands when it's frozen.
I returned to my rocket car several hours later to discover that the glass bottle of science water had cracked in several places. My doors were still locked, which meant that this was not the work of office hooligans. I remembered that I had screwed the top on extra tight before, and that made the answer clear. The science water, astonished at its frozenness, must have tried to escape the bottle. When it discovered that escape out the top was impossible, it must have tried to escape out the sides.
Lesson #3: You cannot science your lunch.
I forgot my lunch today, and I was hungry. I attempted to conjure up a sandwich with the power of science, but I was unable. As I am thoroughly convinced that my scientitious powers are mighty, I concluded that lunch-summoning is beyond the capability of science. Instead, I used the power of science to steal someone else's lunch.
Lesson #1: When it's cold, things freeze.
When I got in my scientician-approved rocket car this morning, I noticed that my glass bottle of science water was heavier. I tried to pour some of the science water out, but it was stuck. I studied this unusual condition for some time, and I eventually concluded that the water was frozen. Chalk up yet another victory for science.
Lesson #2: Water expands when it's frozen.
I returned to my rocket car several hours later to discover that the glass bottle of science water had cracked in several places. My doors were still locked, which meant that this was not the work of office hooligans. I remembered that I had screwed the top on extra tight before, and that made the answer clear. The science water, astonished at its frozenness, must have tried to escape the bottle. When it discovered that escape out the top was impossible, it must have tried to escape out the sides.
Lesson #3: You cannot science your lunch.
I forgot my lunch today, and I was hungry. I attempted to conjure up a sandwich with the power of science, but I was unable. As I am thoroughly convinced that my scientitious powers are mighty, I concluded that lunch-summoning is beyond the capability of science. Instead, I used the power of science to steal someone else's lunch.
Four Hundred
This is my four hundredth post. As of now, I have posted 400 times. Four hundred. How many hundred? Four. If you're not sure how many posts that is, it's four hundred.
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It is shocking, isn't it, Peter Lorre?
It is shocking, isn't it, Peter Lorre?
1.11.2007
Freakin' Snowboarding Movies
It has recently been brought to my attention that the "About Me" section of my profile is unoriginal. Some may even say it's plagiarized or "quoted." Apparently, somewhere among the three or four good jokes in the snowboarding/jungle safari epic Out Cold, one character said, "No regrets, that's my motto. Well, that and everybody Wang Chung tonight."
This sucks.
My defense:
First, I only saw Out Cold once, and the only part I remember is when Zach Galifinakis's character passes out and his friends put him in his car and spin it around. As far as I know, there was no comment about Wanging or Chunging.
Second, never would any part of my motto include the phrase "no regrets." It's possible that I do indeed have no regrets, but I would never say that. I would especially not put such a cliche beside the wisdom of Wang Chung.
Third, I do not rip off movies. I rip off 80s music. And the Simpsons. And British movies.
Anyhow, I am retiring my current motto. As of now, my motto is no longer "Everybody Wang Chung tonight." The new motto is, "Surf's up!"
This sucks.
My defense:
First, I only saw Out Cold once, and the only part I remember is when Zach Galifinakis's character passes out and his friends put him in his car and spin it around. As far as I know, there was no comment about Wanging or Chunging.
Second, never would any part of my motto include the phrase "no regrets." It's possible that I do indeed have no regrets, but I would never say that. I would especially not put such a cliche beside the wisdom of Wang Chung.
Third, I do not rip off movies. I rip off 80s music. And the Simpsons. And British movies.
Anyhow, I am retiring my current motto. As of now, my motto is no longer "Everybody Wang Chung tonight." The new motto is, "Surf's up!"
International Appeal
I know you guys will not be as wowed by this as I am because I was incredibly wowed. The feeling I had was like the feeling you get when you first ride a bike, or like the feeling you got when you saw the moon landing, or like the feeling you get when you see your children born, except it was like all those combined times ten thousand.
I give you MY BLOG IN GERMAN (and much less excitingly in French).
Isn't this amazing? My blog can now be read in not its original language! Now people of two foreign tongues will know and share my motto! Hey Germany: Jeder Wang Chung heute abbend! PARTY!
I tried to do this with Spanish, Russian, and Arabic, but apparently this only works for French and German. Hooray Western Europe!
(Note: I did not actually try anything else.)
I give you MY BLOG IN GERMAN (and much less excitingly in French).
Isn't this amazing? My blog can now be read in not its original language! Now people of two foreign tongues will know and share my motto! Hey Germany: Jeder Wang Chung heute abbend! PARTY!
I tried to do this with Spanish, Russian, and Arabic, but apparently this only works for French and German. Hooray Western Europe!
(Note: I did not actually try anything else.)
The Week Lapped Itself
Today feels like Monday again. Not next Monday, but the last Monday. The one that happened three long days ago.
We're all going to die.
We're all going to die.
1.09.2007
2007: Year of the Otter
I know you have all anxiously awaited my return to electronic journaling. I assume you all have questions for me. Here are my answers to those questions.
Are you still alive?
Yes.
Are you going to blog at all this year?
Only because you won't shut up about it.
How was the trip?
It was OK.
What did you do?
I don't know. Nothing much.
That's it?
Shut up.
Are you serious?
I said it, didn't I?
Fine.
That's better.
No, wait. Come on.
I didn't mean it.
Please come back. I'm so lonely.
I'm sorry.
OK, geez. Just stop whining about it.
Thanks. It really means a lot.
I heard you fought a bear. Is that true?
Like most rumors, it has elements of truth. While I did not fight a bear, I did pretend to see a bear.
Did you watch any of the NFL playoffs?
Actually, I may have pretended to see a bear twice.
What did you get for Christmas?
Clothes. Some games. A book entitled "Things."
Why are you so boring right now?
I know you are, but what am I?
Wow, you have seriously lost it, haven't you?
This interview is over!
Are you still alive?
Yes.
Are you going to blog at all this year?
Only because you won't shut up about it.
How was the trip?
It was OK.
What did you do?
I don't know. Nothing much.
That's it?
Shut up.
Are you serious?
I said it, didn't I?
Fine.
That's better.
No, wait. Come on.
I didn't mean it.
Please come back. I'm so lonely.
I'm sorry.
OK, geez. Just stop whining about it.
Thanks. It really means a lot.
I heard you fought a bear. Is that true?
Like most rumors, it has elements of truth. While I did not fight a bear, I did pretend to see a bear.
Did you watch any of the NFL playoffs?
Actually, I may have pretended to see a bear twice.
What did you get for Christmas?
Clothes. Some games. A book entitled "Things."
Why are you so boring right now?
I know you are, but what am I?
Wow, you have seriously lost it, haven't you?
This interview is over!
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