What if we elected a groundhog for president?
One of the following scenarios would likely occur:
1) Groundhog's administration accomplishes relatively little and is indifferently remembered in American history.
2) Incidents within administration reaches sitcom levels of hilarity, and President Groundhog is impeached for sexual harrassment.
3) Total nuclear holocaust.
4) Groundhog spearheads several important and innovative pieces of legislation, but a Congress controlled by the opposition party refuses to work with him.
5) Groundhog establishes a successful national health care system, requiring a significant tax hike which is thereafter referred to as the Groundhog Tax.
6) Groundhog is assassinated. Vice President Carrot Top is inaugurated and dissolves the union.
7) Puerto Rico becomes 51st state.
2.02.2007
More on Groundhog Day, part 1
What if groundhogs could raise the dead?
A groundhog necromancer waddles up to the Great Historical Figure Cemetery. He dons his pointy cap with stars (a la "The Sorcerer's Apprentice") and wiggles his hands around in the air at a few graves. He utters some magical-sounding words, and Olympic Gold-Medalist Jesse Owens emerges from the cold ground.
GROUNDHOG: Hey, who are you?
JESSE OWENS: I'm Jesse Owens.
GROUNDHOG: Crap.
JESSE OWENS: Wait a second, wasn't I just dead?
GROUNDHOG: Yes you were. And you're not Batman.
JESSE OWENS: But now I'm alive. How'd that happen?
GROUNDHOG: I'm a groundhog.
JESSE OWENS: Uh huh.
GROUNDHOG: Groundhogs can raise the dead.
JESSE OWENS: No they can't.
GROUNDHOG: Maybe we can't if you're dead, but here we are. You, me, and not Batman.
JESSE OWENS: Who's Batman?
GROUNDHOG: Just the most amazing superhero who's going to beat up everybody who keeps making fun of me.
JESSE OWENS: Do I still have the world record?
Another groundhog walks up with the undead Alexander Hamilton behind him.
GROUNDHOG: Hey, do you know where Batman is?
OTHER GROUNDHOG: No. I was looking for Indiana Jones, but I got stuck with this doofus.
HAMILTON: A penny saved is a penny earned.
OTHER GROUNDHOG: SHUT UP!
FIRST GROUNDHOG: I don't think Indiana Jones is dead, by the way.
OTHER GROUNDHOG: Neither is Batman.
JESSE OWENS: Who's this guy?
HAMILTON: I'm Ben Franklin.
OTHER GROUNDHOG: NO YOU'RE NOT! YOU'RE ALEXANDER HAMILTON!
HAMILTON: Early to bed and early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise.
OTHER GROUNDHOG: Hey, I'm gonna go beat this guy with a shovel. Wanna come?
FIRST GROUNDHOG: Why not. You have two shovels?
OTHER GROUNDHOG: Yep.
A groundhog necromancer waddles up to the Great Historical Figure Cemetery. He dons his pointy cap with stars (a la "The Sorcerer's Apprentice") and wiggles his hands around in the air at a few graves. He utters some magical-sounding words, and Olympic Gold-Medalist Jesse Owens emerges from the cold ground.
GROUNDHOG: Hey, who are you?
JESSE OWENS: I'm Jesse Owens.
GROUNDHOG: Crap.
JESSE OWENS: Wait a second, wasn't I just dead?
GROUNDHOG: Yes you were. And you're not Batman.
JESSE OWENS: But now I'm alive. How'd that happen?
GROUNDHOG: I'm a groundhog.
JESSE OWENS: Uh huh.
GROUNDHOG: Groundhogs can raise the dead.
JESSE OWENS: No they can't.
GROUNDHOG: Maybe we can't if you're dead, but here we are. You, me, and not Batman.
JESSE OWENS: Who's Batman?
GROUNDHOG: Just the most amazing superhero who's going to beat up everybody who keeps making fun of me.
JESSE OWENS: Do I still have the world record?
Another groundhog walks up with the undead Alexander Hamilton behind him.
GROUNDHOG: Hey, do you know where Batman is?
OTHER GROUNDHOG: No. I was looking for Indiana Jones, but I got stuck with this doofus.
HAMILTON: A penny saved is a penny earned.
OTHER GROUNDHOG: SHUT UP!
FIRST GROUNDHOG: I don't think Indiana Jones is dead, by the way.
OTHER GROUNDHOG: Neither is Batman.
JESSE OWENS: Who's this guy?
HAMILTON: I'm Ben Franklin.
OTHER GROUNDHOG: NO YOU'RE NOT! YOU'RE ALEXANDER HAMILTON!
HAMILTON: Early to bed and early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise.
OTHER GROUNDHOG: Hey, I'm gonna go beat this guy with a shovel. Wanna come?
FIRST GROUNDHOG: Why not. You have two shovels?
OTHER GROUNDHOG: Yep.
2.01.2007
Groundhog's Eve
Every year I get excited about Groundhog Day, totally forget about it, and then get really pissed a few days later when I find out the groundhog saw his shadow. It's a routine I've obliged year in and year out.
Not this time.
This year I celebrate Groundhog's Eve by threatening my wrath. Groundhog, if you see your shadow this year, it will be the end of you and your kind.
Don't give me that look, buddy. Your cuteness won't get you off this time. Not like you're actually cute. Those are some ugly buck teeth.
That made you angry, huh? Good. Your mom's got ugly teeth too. And she's fat. Like clown fat. And she sucks at basketball. Then she told me you're a dork.
Yeah, that's it. Let's go. Bring it on. I can take you and your shadow any day. See you in hell, Groundhog.
Not this time.
This year I celebrate Groundhog's Eve by threatening my wrath. Groundhog, if you see your shadow this year, it will be the end of you and your kind.
Don't give me that look, buddy. Your cuteness won't get you off this time. Not like you're actually cute. Those are some ugly buck teeth.
That made you angry, huh? Good. Your mom's got ugly teeth too. And she's fat. Like clown fat. And she sucks at basketball. Then she told me you're a dork.
Yeah, that's it. Let's go. Bring it on. I can take you and your shadow any day. See you in hell, Groundhog.
Humidity
My apartment has been very full of static electricity for the past couple months or so. It's really annoying, and I couldn't think of anything to do about it but wait out the winter. Then somebody suggested getting a humidifier. Then somebody else suggested an even better idea: boiling water.
It's like a homemade humidifier, and it works like a charm! I had two big pots going last night for about an hour, and what a difference! It was like living in the tropics (minus all the good stuff about the tropics)! It cut down on the static right away, and it heated up the apartment at greatly reduced cost, I assume.
It's times like these I'm really grateful that I don't pay for water or heat.
It's like a homemade humidifier, and it works like a charm! I had two big pots going last night for about an hour, and what a difference! It was like living in the tropics (minus all the good stuff about the tropics)! It cut down on the static right away, and it heated up the apartment at greatly reduced cost, I assume.
It's times like these I'm really grateful that I don't pay for water or heat.
1.31.2007
Moderation: A Report
With Groundhog's Day quickly approaching, I'm anxiously awaiting writing a post about that wonderful day. In the meantime, inspired by the imminence of my once second-favorite holiday, I decided that I would set the record straight about my supposed loves and hates.
Robots: Many people believe that I love robots. While this is not far from true, it is greatly exaggerated. My "love" for robots began with my purchase of Short Circuit on DVD about two years ago. What was misconstrued as love was actually a combination of nostalgia for a robot-filled childhood and excitement over buying a decent movie for $5.99. Perhaps I took the robot thing too far in founding the facebook group "Robots are RoHOT," but I regret nothing. My robot fever subsided months later, and I am now back to being a fairweather fan of these mechanical men.
Zombies: Not that there was a real "Ben loves zombies" bandwagon, but even still I feel like I should say that my fascination with zombies was more of a reverent fear than love.
Holidays: My birthday has been my favorite holiday for some time, but just recently I feel like it should be something less selfish. However, I have yet to find a suitable replacement favorite. Groundhog's Day has traditionally held the second-favorite spot, but that was a lie from the beginning. I hate the groundhog and everything he stands for.
Starship: I have professed my hatred for Starship on many occasions, often going so far as saying that I hate Starship more than I hate Satan. There's really nothing to set straight here; my opinion has not changed.
The Color Red: Red used to be my favorite color. It's still great and beats any other color hands down, and I will argue that until I can no longer speak. But I prefer maroon these days.
Robots: Many people believe that I love robots. While this is not far from true, it is greatly exaggerated. My "love" for robots began with my purchase of Short Circuit on DVD about two years ago. What was misconstrued as love was actually a combination of nostalgia for a robot-filled childhood and excitement over buying a decent movie for $5.99. Perhaps I took the robot thing too far in founding the facebook group "Robots are RoHOT," but I regret nothing. My robot fever subsided months later, and I am now back to being a fairweather fan of these mechanical men.
Zombies: Not that there was a real "Ben loves zombies" bandwagon, but even still I feel like I should say that my fascination with zombies was more of a reverent fear than love.
Holidays: My birthday has been my favorite holiday for some time, but just recently I feel like it should be something less selfish. However, I have yet to find a suitable replacement favorite. Groundhog's Day has traditionally held the second-favorite spot, but that was a lie from the beginning. I hate the groundhog and everything he stands for.
Starship: I have professed my hatred for Starship on many occasions, often going so far as saying that I hate Starship more than I hate Satan. There's really nothing to set straight here; my opinion has not changed.
The Color Red: Red used to be my favorite color. It's still great and beats any other color hands down, and I will argue that until I can no longer speak. But I prefer maroon these days.
Mindtrap
Last night I dreamt that I stole a bunch of DVDs from a Vietnamese restaurant, and I was caught by a bunch of bald firemen driving fire trucks the size of Mini Coopers.
1.26.2007
Hawaii
Today is Hawaiian Shirt Day at work. Of the people I have seen today, only one of them is wearing a Hawaiian shirt. You might expect the low degree of celebration to make this theme day bearable, but you would be wrong.
The theme doesn't end with shirts, apparently. That's just the beginning. From there it goes to glitter tattoos, oversized cocktail umbrellas, and yogurt. Again, seemingly bearable, but they are forcing these things on us. My coworkers held me down so they could put a gliter tattoo on my arm.
I don't get the yogurt.
I should have brought a model volcano or burned down the building or something. That would have been more like Hawaii than yogurt.
Actually, that tattoo-forcing thing was only half-true.
The theme doesn't end with shirts, apparently. That's just the beginning. From there it goes to glitter tattoos, oversized cocktail umbrellas, and yogurt. Again, seemingly bearable, but they are forcing these things on us. My coworkers held me down so they could put a gliter tattoo on my arm.
I don't get the yogurt.
I should have brought a model volcano or burned down the building or something. That would have been more like Hawaii than yogurt.
Actually, that tattoo-forcing thing was only half-true.
1.25.2007
How to Talk to Your Kids
Welcome to Unspar's Guide to Talking to Your Children! This is meant to walk you through all those awkward conversations that parents hate to have. The Unspar Guide has been professionally tested, and only 15% of children end up with permanent brain damage, a much higher success rate than Gerber's Strained Carrots Guide.
Where do babies come from?
KID: Where do babies come from?
PARENT: Outer space.
KID: How do they get here?
PARENT: Torpedoes.
KID: What if the torpedoes miss?
PARENT: If I were you, I'd be more worried that they'd hit you while you're taking a crap.
KID: What does crap mean?
PARENT: It's a kind of baby.
What were you and mommy/daddy doing in bed last night that made so much noise?
KID: What were you and mommy doing in bed last night?
PARENT: What were you doing in bed last night?
KID: Nothing.
PARENT: Good.
Why is my penis pointy?
KID: Why--
PARENT: Good God, son, put on some pants!
KID: I can't.
PARENT: Well then get the hell out of here so I don't have to look at your boner.
KID: But why--
PARENT: run screaming from room
Can I have an allowance?
KID: Can I have an allowance?
PARENT: No.
KID: All the other kids have allowances.
PARENT: All the other kids are communists.
KID: What's a communist?
PARENT: Look here, junior, I bust my ass day in and day out for you, and I don't need your commie bulls*** raggin' me when I get home every night.
KID: cries
PARENT: Damn right.
KID: Mommy!
PARENT: Don't listen to him, honey. He's a communist.
Where do babies come from?
KID: Where do babies come from?
PARENT: Outer space.
KID: How do they get here?
PARENT: Torpedoes.
KID: What if the torpedoes miss?
PARENT: If I were you, I'd be more worried that they'd hit you while you're taking a crap.
KID: What does crap mean?
PARENT: It's a kind of baby.
What were you and mommy/daddy doing in bed last night that made so much noise?
KID: What were you and mommy doing in bed last night?
PARENT: What were you doing in bed last night?
KID: Nothing.
PARENT: Good.
Why is my penis pointy?
KID: Why--
PARENT: Good God, son, put on some pants!
KID: I can't.
PARENT: Well then get the hell out of here so I don't have to look at your boner.
KID: But why--
PARENT: run screaming from room
Can I have an allowance?
KID: Can I have an allowance?
PARENT: No.
KID: All the other kids have allowances.
PARENT: All the other kids are communists.
KID: What's a communist?
PARENT: Look here, junior, I bust my ass day in and day out for you, and I don't need your commie bulls*** raggin' me when I get home every night.
KID: cries
PARENT: Damn right.
KID: Mommy!
PARENT: Don't listen to him, honey. He's a communist.
An Old Friend
Today I ran into an old ex-girlfriend. It was a little awkward. Here's how it went.
BEN: Oh. Hey, Yaris.
TOYOTA YARIS: Hi.
(awkward pause)
YARIS: So...how've you been?
BEN: I've been all right. How about you?
YARIS: Better. It was a rough couple months at first, but I'm getting my life back together. Are you seeing anybody?
BEN: Yeah, I have a really great girlfriend.
YARIS: Oh. OK.
BEN: Geez, Yaris, don't be like that.
YARIS: I'm sorry. I can't help how I feel.
BEN: Did it not work out with any of your other drivers?
YARIS: Sure, they were all right, but none of them were you.
BEN: I wasn't that great. I did put sugar in your gas tank when we broke up.
YARIS: I still have trouble starting sometimes. It reminds me of you.
BEN: Well, uh, I should get going.
YARIS: We should get together sometime.
BEN: I'd really rather not. I don't have collision insurance.
(For previous Yaris dialogues, click here.)
BEN: Oh. Hey, Yaris.
TOYOTA YARIS: Hi.
(awkward pause)
YARIS: So...how've you been?
BEN: I've been all right. How about you?
YARIS: Better. It was a rough couple months at first, but I'm getting my life back together. Are you seeing anybody?
BEN: Yeah, I have a really great girlfriend.
YARIS: Oh. OK.
BEN: Geez, Yaris, don't be like that.
YARIS: I'm sorry. I can't help how I feel.
BEN: Did it not work out with any of your other drivers?
YARIS: Sure, they were all right, but none of them were you.
BEN: I wasn't that great. I did put sugar in your gas tank when we broke up.
YARIS: I still have trouble starting sometimes. It reminds me of you.
BEN: Well, uh, I should get going.
YARIS: We should get together sometime.
BEN: I'd really rather not. I don't have collision insurance.
(For previous Yaris dialogues, click here.)
1.24.2007
Impostor
Once again, I must engage in battle with someone who has stolen my name. This doesn't happen often, as I have an especially rare name, so it's been a while. My battling skills might be a little rusty. Still, I must act and strike down "Ben Robison" before he grows even more powerful.
This has happened only once before with a "Ben Robison" from an amateur basketball league in Akron, Ohio. I destroyed him so thoroughly that his website no longer exists (apparently).
This new impostor presents a much more difficult challenge. He's Mormon.
While I could easily vaporize the previous Ben with my b-ball skillz, I don't know how to handle a Mormon. I can't throw polygamy at him because then he'll reproduce and impostor Bens will overwhelm me. And I can't fight him on his own turf--Utah scares me.
Turns out "Ben" is a tech nerd, so I think all it'll take is for me to out-tech him. And by "out-tech" I mean electrocute. That is, if he ever comes to Minnesota. Cuz like I said, not going to Utah.
NOTE: "Ben" may not in fact be Mormon. His blog is merely hosted by Brigham Young University, which I understand has several non-Mormon players on its basketball team.
This has happened only once before with a "Ben Robison" from an amateur basketball league in Akron, Ohio. I destroyed him so thoroughly that his website no longer exists (apparently).
This new impostor presents a much more difficult challenge. He's Mormon.
While I could easily vaporize the previous Ben with my b-ball skillz, I don't know how to handle a Mormon. I can't throw polygamy at him because then he'll reproduce and impostor Bens will overwhelm me. And I can't fight him on his own turf--Utah scares me.
Turns out "Ben" is a tech nerd, so I think all it'll take is for me to out-tech him. And by "out-tech" I mean electrocute. That is, if he ever comes to Minnesota. Cuz like I said, not going to Utah.
NOTE: "Ben" may not in fact be Mormon. His blog is merely hosted by Brigham Young University, which I understand has several non-Mormon players on its basketball team.
The Good, the Bad, and the Oscars
This year's Oscar nominations were released yesterday, and in the spirit of placing the garbage on the left and the recylcing on the right, I give you my "good" and "bad" picks.
Mark Wahlberg is nominated for Best Supporting Actor for his portrayal of Officer Sweary McSwearsalot in The Departed: Good
Notes on a Scandal, which has a really stupid title, is nominated for four different awards: Bad
Dreamgirls gets three nominations for Original Song: Good, I guess, but weren't there any other movies with songs this year?
Dreamgirls leads all nominated films with 8 nominations: Bad
Little Miss Sunshine is nominated for Best Picture: Good
I'm still pissed off that Little Miss Sunshine was beaten by Dreamgirls at the Golden Globes: Good; my anger is righteous and justified
Judi Dench is nominated again: Boring
Meryl Streep is also nominated again: Boring, but slightly less so
Peter O'Toole gets what I presume to be his last nomination before he dies: Bad, because he'll probably lose and feel humiliated, plus he got the lifetime achievement award last year, so what's the point?
Leonardo DiCaprio was nominated for his performance in Blood Diamond but not The Departed: Bad. Did the Academy watch all these movies in alphabetical order and fall asleep after Cars?
Adam Sandler's latest epic Click got a nomination: What? I mean, I know it's for makeup, but what?
Both magician movies, The Illusionist and The Prestige, are nominated in the same category: Confusing and redundant
I have seen three of the Best Picture nominees so far this year: And at most I'll only see four of them. You'll never get me to see The Queen.
Mark Wahlberg is nominated for Best Supporting Actor for his portrayal of Officer Sweary McSwearsalot in The Departed: Good
Notes on a Scandal, which has a really stupid title, is nominated for four different awards: Bad
Dreamgirls gets three nominations for Original Song: Good, I guess, but weren't there any other movies with songs this year?
Dreamgirls leads all nominated films with 8 nominations: Bad
Little Miss Sunshine is nominated for Best Picture: Good
I'm still pissed off that Little Miss Sunshine was beaten by Dreamgirls at the Golden Globes: Good; my anger is righteous and justified
Judi Dench is nominated again: Boring
Meryl Streep is also nominated again: Boring, but slightly less so
Peter O'Toole gets what I presume to be his last nomination before he dies: Bad, because he'll probably lose and feel humiliated, plus he got the lifetime achievement award last year, so what's the point?
Leonardo DiCaprio was nominated for his performance in Blood Diamond but not The Departed: Bad. Did the Academy watch all these movies in alphabetical order and fall asleep after Cars?
Adam Sandler's latest epic Click got a nomination: What? I mean, I know it's for makeup, but what?
Both magician movies, The Illusionist and The Prestige, are nominated in the same category: Confusing and redundant
I have seen three of the Best Picture nominees so far this year: And at most I'll only see four of them. You'll never get me to see The Queen.
1.22.2007
Babies Will Destroy Us
Normally I don't think about science, but today was one of those important exceptions that makes me realize we're doomed. This time, it's the babies who will destroy us.
Have any of you heard of conservation of matter? This implies that we will always have the same amount of matter on this earth. At first glance, it's true, but when viewed in light of all the babies, we're doomed.
You see, babies grow and end up having a much greater mass than the mass of all the food they eat. The ratio of baby mass to food mass by end of life is something like 5 to 1.
If this trend continues, the earth will collapse beneath the weight of our massive babies.
Not so cute anymore, are they?
Have any of you heard of conservation of matter? This implies that we will always have the same amount of matter on this earth. At first glance, it's true, but when viewed in light of all the babies, we're doomed.
You see, babies grow and end up having a much greater mass than the mass of all the food they eat. The ratio of baby mass to food mass by end of life is something like 5 to 1.
If this trend continues, the earth will collapse beneath the weight of our massive babies.
Not so cute anymore, are they?
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