Welcome to Unspar's Guide to Talking to Your Children! This is meant to walk you through all those awkward conversations that parents hate to have. The Unspar Guide has been professionally tested, and only 15% of children end up with permanent brain damage, a much higher success rate than Gerber's Strained Carrots Guide.
Where do babies come from?
KID: Where do babies come from?
PARENT: Outer space.
KID: How do they get here?
PARENT: Torpedoes.
KID: What if the torpedoes miss?
PARENT: If I were you, I'd be more worried that they'd hit you while you're taking a crap.
KID: What does crap mean?
PARENT: It's a kind of baby.
What were you and mommy/daddy doing in bed last night that made so much noise?
KID: What were you and mommy doing in bed last night?
PARENT: What were you doing in bed last night?
KID: Nothing.
PARENT: Good.
Why is my penis pointy?
KID: Why--
PARENT: Good God, son, put on some pants!
KID: I can't.
PARENT: Well then get the hell out of here so I don't have to look at your boner.
KID: But why--
PARENT: run screaming from room
Can I have an allowance?
KID: Can I have an allowance?
PARENT: No.
KID: All the other kids have allowances.
PARENT: All the other kids are communists.
KID: What's a communist?
PARENT: Look here, junior, I bust my ass day in and day out for you, and I don't need your commie bulls*** raggin' me when I get home every night.
KID: cries
PARENT: Damn right.
KID: Mommy!
PARENT: Don't listen to him, honey. He's a communist.
5 comments:
this was probably the greatest thing i've read today, which thankfully i read the one year before bed so it's not blasphemous but seriously great job...
Ben,
Do your parents read your blog? I'm curious about their reaction. Also, "It's a kind of baby." I think that's gonna stay with me alllllll day.
dqhingin
AL, the parents don't read it (I hope). I'm pretty sure I would never want them to see this side of my brain.
I'm sure you'll make a great father Ben.
I really wish I would have read this last week, it would have made for more interesting conversation yesterday, I think...
Post a Comment