(For those of you who missed the Time Traveling Movie Review, check it out HERE.)
By fellow time-traveling film critic, Jason Zoomdonkey
2 stars out of 5
Traveling through time to review Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is the biggest waste of time-traveling skills I've ever seen. Especially when the writer notes that he owns the movie in 2006. Why not just watch the movie? You don't gain much from watching this film in its release year. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2 yes, the original no.
I appreciate his points about Splinter and Corey Feldman, however.
Should this segment continue, I would like to see more movies from the future discussed. Not only do readers like them better, but there's more substance to examine and review. I recently saw Hyper Mega Railroad Heist vs. the Power Patrol Spectacularrrr in 2041, and afterwards I wrote one of my best reviews ever.
Perhaps we shall meet again on the fields of time and battle to the death.
11.30.2006
Time Traveling Movie Review
For today's segment, I've decided to travel 16 years into the past to the year 1990 to review a film called Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Many of you have probably had a chance to see this film in the 16 years it's been available to the public, but it's a movie that I believe is better reviewed immediately after its release. So here goes.
traveling through time...and back.
3 and a half stars out of 5
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is a movie that knows what it's about and doesn't try to do anything more than that. That reserved effort makes it a success, though it's a limited success. It works well for the kids, but adults can still enjoy its campy humor.
As a fan of the show, there was only one thing that bothered me: Splinter's back story was completely wrong. According to the cartoon, Splinter was a Japanese man who was forced to live in the sewers with a bunch of rats. He was not a rat to begin with. Very uncool.
I appreciated Corey Feldman's presence in the cast. As a time traveling movie reviewer, it reminds me of the golden days of the Coreys. For the audiences of 1990, he was probably too old to still be likable. Their loss, really.
In the present day, I own this movie, but I probably wouldn't buy it if I still lived in 1990. It's cool in a retro way, not an I-like-it-in-the-present-day way.
traveling through time...and back.
3 and a half stars out of 5
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is a movie that knows what it's about and doesn't try to do anything more than that. That reserved effort makes it a success, though it's a limited success. It works well for the kids, but adults can still enjoy its campy humor.
As a fan of the show, there was only one thing that bothered me: Splinter's back story was completely wrong. According to the cartoon, Splinter was a Japanese man who was forced to live in the sewers with a bunch of rats. He was not a rat to begin with. Very uncool.
I appreciated Corey Feldman's presence in the cast. As a time traveling movie reviewer, it reminds me of the golden days of the Coreys. For the audiences of 1990, he was probably too old to still be likable. Their loss, really.
In the present day, I own this movie, but I probably wouldn't buy it if I still lived in 1990. It's cool in a retro way, not an I-like-it-in-the-present-day way.
Too Much Sarcasm
This morning I considered posting my "life story." I was going to entitle the post "Life Story," and then I was going to talk about all the jungle cats I wrestled, how I worked on a Chinese freight ship from ages 8-12, and other assorted mistruths. It probably wouldn't have been that funny because lies aren't funny anymore. Sarcasm is too post-modern, and these days you have to be post-post-modern if you really want to be funny. So here's my post-sarcastic take on my life story.
Um...you can't make fart noises on the internet.
{APPLAUSE}
Um...you can't make fart noises on the internet.
{APPLAUSE}
11.29.2006
Trial and Error
Anybody ever see that movie? The one in the subject line. Michael Richards and Jeff Daniels are the odd couple in this comedy romp on the legal system. It's not very good, but I saw it for free thanks to a Papa John's promotion (which also gave us a free Weekend at Bernie's). Life is best when it's free. Am I right fellas?
Anyway, I was trying to think of something to write on the blog, and I started thinking about my friend who's a lawyer*, and that got me thinking about Trial and Error, and then I wondered what it would be like for me to take the place of my lawyer friend in the courtroom. I think it'd go a little something like this....
The Arraignment of Avery Jackson for the Murder of Henry Hoobadoo
Featuring Defense Attorney Paul Ragagagag and Prosecuting Attorney Ben's Friend (secretly replaced by Ben himself), with Honorable Judge Cowudder Presiding
JUDGE COWUDDER: Defendant, how do you plead?
AVERY: Guilty.
BEN (ME): Objection!
DEFENSE ATTORNEY: What?
BEN: He can't plead guilty! Then what am I supposed to do?
JUDGE: Overruled.
BEN: What if I think he didn't do it? Can I overrule his plea?
JUDGE: No.
BEN: Then I plead not guilty.
DEFENSE: Objection.
JUDGE: Sustained.
BEN: Not fair! I didn't do it!
DEFENSE: You're not on trial.
BEN: I move for a mistrial!
JUDGE: Bailiff, please arrest the attorney for contempt.
BEN: Why don't you arrest everybody?
DEFENSE: Objection.
JUDGE: (pause) Overruled.
DEFENSE: What?
JUDGE: Mr. Prosecutor, I've learned a lot from your free spirit, and you're right. We all need to be free like you. Everybody, you're under arrest.
AVERY: PARTAY!!!
(Two go-go dancers in cages rise up from behind the judge's bench.)
DEFENSE: (to Ben, yelling over party noise and awesome mid-nineties hip-hop) Did you even pass the Bar?
BEN: Is that a challenge?
DEFENSE: Is what---
BEN: LIMBO CONTEST!
And I went on to win the limbo contest AND the water balloon fight.
*I actually don't have a friend who's a lawyer, but I have two friends and an acquaintance in law school, and one of my coworker's wives worked in a law office, so I figure that all equals one lawyer friend.
Anyway, I was trying to think of something to write on the blog, and I started thinking about my friend who's a lawyer*, and that got me thinking about Trial and Error, and then I wondered what it would be like for me to take the place of my lawyer friend in the courtroom. I think it'd go a little something like this....
The Arraignment of Avery Jackson for the Murder of Henry Hoobadoo
Featuring Defense Attorney Paul Ragagagag and Prosecuting Attorney Ben's Friend (secretly replaced by Ben himself), with Honorable Judge Cowudder Presiding
JUDGE COWUDDER: Defendant, how do you plead?
AVERY: Guilty.
BEN (ME): Objection!
DEFENSE ATTORNEY: What?
BEN: He can't plead guilty! Then what am I supposed to do?
JUDGE: Overruled.
BEN: What if I think he didn't do it? Can I overrule his plea?
JUDGE: No.
BEN: Then I plead not guilty.
DEFENSE: Objection.
JUDGE: Sustained.
BEN: Not fair! I didn't do it!
DEFENSE: You're not on trial.
BEN: I move for a mistrial!
JUDGE: Bailiff, please arrest the attorney for contempt.
BEN: Why don't you arrest everybody?
DEFENSE: Objection.
JUDGE: (pause) Overruled.
DEFENSE: What?
JUDGE: Mr. Prosecutor, I've learned a lot from your free spirit, and you're right. We all need to be free like you. Everybody, you're under arrest.
AVERY: PARTAY!!!
(Two go-go dancers in cages rise up from behind the judge's bench.)
DEFENSE: (to Ben, yelling over party noise and awesome mid-nineties hip-hop) Did you even pass the Bar?
BEN: Is that a challenge?
DEFENSE: Is what---
BEN: LIMBO CONTEST!
And I went on to win the limbo contest AND the water balloon fight.
*I actually don't have a friend who's a lawyer, but I have two friends and an acquaintance in law school, and one of my coworker's wives worked in a law office, so I figure that all equals one lawyer friend.
11.28.2006
Blog Entry
Yesterday and today have been two of the busiest days I've seen at this job. Though I very much want to quantify it for you, I won't because you probably wouldn't understand it. So I'll quantify something else.
Here are two thoughts that I've had today:
1. I've enjoyed taking dumps more than I enjoy this job.
2. That's not entirely true. While there have been a few enormously satisfying dumps, most of them weren't that great.
Here are two thoughts that I've had today:
1. I've enjoyed taking dumps more than I enjoy this job.
2. That's not entirely true. While there have been a few enormously satisfying dumps, most of them weren't that great.
11.21.2006
When Stunts Go Bad
Some of you may have been lucky enough to see When Stunts Go Bad and When Stunts Go Bad 2 in your lifetimes. I have. It's a defining experience.
An event I thought worth sharing was Gary Wells' attempt to jump over the fountains at Caesar's Palace in 1980. He crashed into a brick wall (I think), and, along with breaking several bones, separated his aorta from his heart--AND LIVED.
If you ever wonder whether or not you're invincible, I suppose that's the way to find out. If I thought I was invincible, I'd probably try something simple like smashing my hand with a hammer. Aorta separation is good too, but that's probably for the ones who are already pretty sure about their invincibility.
An event I thought worth sharing was Gary Wells' attempt to jump over the fountains at Caesar's Palace in 1980. He crashed into a brick wall (I think), and, along with breaking several bones, separated his aorta from his heart--AND LIVED.
If you ever wonder whether or not you're invincible, I suppose that's the way to find out. If I thought I was invincible, I'd probably try something simple like smashing my hand with a hammer. Aorta separation is good too, but that's probably for the ones who are already pretty sure about their invincibility.
Gobble
Thanksgiving is only two days away, and I'm excited to have the rest of the week off starting tomorrow (because I decided to skip out of work early). There's not a whole lot to get excited about Thanksgiving for otherwise, unless you're a glutton, in which case you probably eat a lot every day and Thanksgiving isn't much different (except for the notably increased amounts of gravy).
While I'm indifferent to the celebration, I'm growing less and less indifferent to the holiday. We have a buttload to be thankful for, people, and that's what this holiday is supposed to be about. It's not about the meal, it's not about family, and it's not even about murdering Indians (though it could technically be about all those things); it's about being thankful.
In that spirit, I present you a few of the things that I am thankful for this year and forever:
1. I am thankful for parentheses and the extra dimension they add to sentences.
2. I am thankful for laughter and how it makes my belly feel warm.
3. I am thankful for ducks because I think they look pretty neat.
4. I am thankful for not having internet or TV so that I waste less time, supposedly.
5. I am thankful for prophetic dreams and that I don't have many of them.
6. I am thankful that I don't own any cats.
7. I am thankful that "gobble" could make for a decent Thanksgiving-time pun.
8. I am thankful that my family will not go around in a circle to share what we're thankful for.
9. I am thankful that I have a job, even though I often can't stand it.
10. I am thankful that we are not at nuclear war with anyone.
While I'm indifferent to the celebration, I'm growing less and less indifferent to the holiday. We have a buttload to be thankful for, people, and that's what this holiday is supposed to be about. It's not about the meal, it's not about family, and it's not even about murdering Indians (though it could technically be about all those things); it's about being thankful.
In that spirit, I present you a few of the things that I am thankful for this year and forever:
1. I am thankful for parentheses and the extra dimension they add to sentences.
2. I am thankful for laughter and how it makes my belly feel warm.
3. I am thankful for ducks because I think they look pretty neat.
4. I am thankful for not having internet or TV so that I waste less time, supposedly.
5. I am thankful for prophetic dreams and that I don't have many of them.
6. I am thankful that I don't own any cats.
7. I am thankful that "gobble" could make for a decent Thanksgiving-time pun.
8. I am thankful that my family will not go around in a circle to share what we're thankful for.
9. I am thankful that I have a job, even though I often can't stand it.
10. I am thankful that we are not at nuclear war with anyone.
11.17.2006
If I Owned a Sports Franchise
Or, Why I Should Own a Sports Franchise.
I've never really wanted to own a sports franchise until today. I always thought I'd be fine as a simple attendant, but today I realized that any faltering sports franchise really needs me. Here's the short list of changes I would make to any given franchise that would allow me to buy them.
1. I would give the court/field/arena a more variable topography. Rather than your typical flat or "even" playing fields, mine would have mounds, cliffs, and perhaps alligators that players would have to contend with. Play would be much more interesting in all cases except baseball, where the alligators would probably eat half the team before the batter could strike out.
2. If the game gets boring, I reserve the right to changes sports mid-event. A lopsided football game could become a tight basketball game. Of course, the court/field/arena wouldn't change, which could make for a pretty low-scoring basketball game (or, should basketball become football, a very high-scoring football game). I think I would most enjoy changing sports to hockey.
3. Whatever building my team plays at would have only unisex bathrooms so as to eliminate the awkwardness of peeing in a trough.
4. Before every game, three national anthems would be performed. "The Star Spangled Banner," "O Canada," and a third to be picked at random 10 minutes before the game begins.
This is just the beginning.
I've never really wanted to own a sports franchise until today. I always thought I'd be fine as a simple attendant, but today I realized that any faltering sports franchise really needs me. Here's the short list of changes I would make to any given franchise that would allow me to buy them.
1. I would give the court/field/arena a more variable topography. Rather than your typical flat or "even" playing fields, mine would have mounds, cliffs, and perhaps alligators that players would have to contend with. Play would be much more interesting in all cases except baseball, where the alligators would probably eat half the team before the batter could strike out.
2. If the game gets boring, I reserve the right to changes sports mid-event. A lopsided football game could become a tight basketball game. Of course, the court/field/arena wouldn't change, which could make for a pretty low-scoring basketball game (or, should basketball become football, a very high-scoring football game). I think I would most enjoy changing sports to hockey.
3. Whatever building my team plays at would have only unisex bathrooms so as to eliminate the awkwardness of peeing in a trough.
4. Before every game, three national anthems would be performed. "The Star Spangled Banner," "O Canada," and a third to be picked at random 10 minutes before the game begins.
This is just the beginning.
Space Filler
That giant picture of Erik Estrada is really freaking me out. Every time I open my blog, I'm worried that everybody at work will think I'm looking at gay porn. I don't regret posting it--it's a great picture, I guess--but I don't like it being so close to the top. So here's some filler.
Did you guys ever see The Abyss? Remember when Ed Harris had to go way deep underwater, and the only way he could do it was to inhale this weird oxygenated water in a space suit? I wonder if that actually works. And I wonder how many animals we'd have to kill to find out.
Did you guys ever see The Abyss? Remember when Ed Harris had to go way deep underwater, and the only way he could do it was to inhale this weird oxygenated water in a space suit? I wonder if that actually works. And I wonder how many animals we'd have to kill to find out.
11.16.2006
Congratulations, Ponch
Erik Estrada continues to win my affection and adoration. It began with a disgustingly tight police uniform on TV's CHiPs, which I never watched but can appreciate on an intangible level. It continued several years later with CHiPs '99, which I also never saw and have a much harder time appreciating. Then there was The Surreal Life and Sealab 2021, the shiniest gems in his crown, and now he's the public spokesperson for some real estate company in New Mexico.
Erik Estrada, today you are the recipient of the first "annual" Unspar Lifetime Achievement Award. This prestigious award acknowledges significant achievement in the fields of both television and everything else. People who have received this prestigious award previously are no one.
My hat goes off to you, señor.
Erik Estrada, today you are the recipient of the first "annual" Unspar Lifetime Achievement Award. This prestigious award acknowledges significant achievement in the fields of both television and everything else. People who have received this prestigious award previously are no one.
My hat goes off to you, señor.
Busyness
Most of you think I do nothing at my job, and while that's true almost all the time, yesterday was very busy. Let me explain.
One of the other companies in my building is called Animal Experiment Laboratories. I have no idea what they do, but one of their blue monkeys escaped yesterday, and everything went crazy. They closed down our office, but instead of sending us home, they gave every employee a tranquilizer gun and said we had to hunt the blue monkey until he was secured once again. There wasn't much of a strategy for it, though, so we all pretty much wandered around everywhere hoping we'd see it. A lot of my coworkers got shot, actually. That was kinda funny.
I ended up checking the women's restroom, and I found the blue monkey in one of the stalls. I was about to shoot him when he spoke to me. "Wait!" he said. "Don't shoot! I have some important information they don't want you to know, that's why they sent you after me." I lowered my tranq gun to listen. "The animal experimenters sent me two hundred years into the future two weeks ago," he said, "and there I saw a disturbing vision of what will become of society. It convinced me that I had to destroy the human race." I was shocked. I raised my gun to shoot the blue monkey, but before I could move, the gun was in his hands. He shot me in the thigh. As I passed out, I was just thankful that he hadn't flung poo at me.
When I awoke, I was on a cold table with a bright light shining in my face. My vision gradually came back, and I saw three giant waffles standing above me. The waffles had arms and legs and wore those white gloves like cartoon characters always have. "Syrup," one of them said. Another passed him the syrup, and he started pouring it all over me. I screamed.
Then it was 1, so I went to lunch.
After lunch, the blue monkey called me into his office. He told me I was fired. "You can't fire me," I said. "Yes I can," he said. "I'm your father!" I screamed. Then he told me he was joking. "You're not my father?" I asked. "No, I am your father, but you're not fired."
They gave me a free blanket and let me leave early for the day.
One of the other companies in my building is called Animal Experiment Laboratories. I have no idea what they do, but one of their blue monkeys escaped yesterday, and everything went crazy. They closed down our office, but instead of sending us home, they gave every employee a tranquilizer gun and said we had to hunt the blue monkey until he was secured once again. There wasn't much of a strategy for it, though, so we all pretty much wandered around everywhere hoping we'd see it. A lot of my coworkers got shot, actually. That was kinda funny.
I ended up checking the women's restroom, and I found the blue monkey in one of the stalls. I was about to shoot him when he spoke to me. "Wait!" he said. "Don't shoot! I have some important information they don't want you to know, that's why they sent you after me." I lowered my tranq gun to listen. "The animal experimenters sent me two hundred years into the future two weeks ago," he said, "and there I saw a disturbing vision of what will become of society. It convinced me that I had to destroy the human race." I was shocked. I raised my gun to shoot the blue monkey, but before I could move, the gun was in his hands. He shot me in the thigh. As I passed out, I was just thankful that he hadn't flung poo at me.
When I awoke, I was on a cold table with a bright light shining in my face. My vision gradually came back, and I saw three giant waffles standing above me. The waffles had arms and legs and wore those white gloves like cartoon characters always have. "Syrup," one of them said. Another passed him the syrup, and he started pouring it all over me. I screamed.
Then it was 1, so I went to lunch.
After lunch, the blue monkey called me into his office. He told me I was fired. "You can't fire me," I said. "Yes I can," he said. "I'm your father!" I screamed. Then he told me he was joking. "You're not my father?" I asked. "No, I am your father, but you're not fired."
They gave me a free blanket and let me leave early for the day.
11.13.2006
Daily Affirmation
One of my coworkers, in all her wonderful and sincere kindness, passed out a sheet of paper with "My Declaration of Self-Esteem." Now, for your amusement, I will make fun of it through the art of parody.
My Declaration of Self-Esteem
By Ben Robison
In all the world, there is no one else exactly like me, and I like me. I also like Megadeth. No one else likes Megadeth, and if so, they are lame.
I am not lame. I own me and my thoughts and my actions, none of which are lame. I do not own anything lame.
I have fantasies, hopes, dreams, and fears, and most of those are about being the fastest Olympic track star slash lion hunter in history.
I would someday like to own a hang-glider or a floating mansion or both. I make myself meaningful, but a floating mansion would really help with that.
People who don't like me are lame. If there are times that I don't like me, then I am lame. If someone who is lame likes me, they are still lame. I don't hang out with lame people because lame is contagious.
I have the tools to survive, be happy, and be close to others because I bought them at a garage sale. Most of the time I just use a screwdriver.
I can courageously look for solutions to my problems because I am capable of solving them within myself. I like to create problems for everyone else so they can feel good about solving them on their own.
My favorite fish is the marlin. All other fishes suck. Only some other fishes literally suck.
When I go to Jeff's garage, I can rock out better than when I am at home because he has a sweet guitar that I use. I use it because I am me and I am OK. I am better than Jeff.
My Declaration of Self-Esteem
By Ben Robison
In all the world, there is no one else exactly like me, and I like me. I also like Megadeth. No one else likes Megadeth, and if so, they are lame.
I am not lame. I own me and my thoughts and my actions, none of which are lame. I do not own anything lame.
I have fantasies, hopes, dreams, and fears, and most of those are about being the fastest Olympic track star slash lion hunter in history.
I would someday like to own a hang-glider or a floating mansion or both. I make myself meaningful, but a floating mansion would really help with that.
People who don't like me are lame. If there are times that I don't like me, then I am lame. If someone who is lame likes me, they are still lame. I don't hang out with lame people because lame is contagious.
I have the tools to survive, be happy, and be close to others because I bought them at a garage sale. Most of the time I just use a screwdriver.
I can courageously look for solutions to my problems because I am capable of solving them within myself. I like to create problems for everyone else so they can feel good about solving them on their own.
My favorite fish is the marlin. All other fishes suck. Only some other fishes literally suck.
When I go to Jeff's garage, I can rock out better than when I am at home because he has a sweet guitar that I use. I use it because I am me and I am OK. I am better than Jeff.
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