Daily Affirmation

One of my coworkers, in all her wonderful and sincere kindness, passed out a sheet of paper with "My Declaration of Self-Esteem." Now, for your amusement, I will make fun of it through the art of parody.

My Declaration of Self-Esteem
By Ben Robison

In all the world, there is no one else exactly like me, and I like me. I also like Megadeth. No one else likes Megadeth, and if so, they are lame.
I am not lame. I own me and my thoughts and my actions, none of which are lame. I do not own anything lame.
I have fantasies, hopes, dreams, and fears, and most of those are about being the fastest Olympic track star slash lion hunter in history.
I would someday like to own a hang-glider or a floating mansion or both. I make myself meaningful, but a floating mansion would really help with that.
People who don't like me are lame. If there are times that I don't like me, then I am lame. If someone who is lame likes me, they are still lame. I don't hang out with lame people because lame is contagious.
I have the tools to survive, be happy, and be close to others because I bought them at a garage sale. Most of the time I just use a screwdriver.
I can courageously look for solutions to my problems because I am capable of solving them within myself. I like to create problems for everyone else so they can feel good about solving them on their own.
My favorite fish is the marlin. All other fishes suck. Only some other fishes literally suck.
When I go to Jeff's garage, I can rock out better than when I am at home because he has a sweet guitar that I use. I use it because I am me and I am OK. I am better than Jeff.