Not Quite Written in Stone

By the end of the day, my Peace Corps application will be submitted.

I've been thinking a lot about jobs and stuff, and I realized (thanks very recently to the one and only Dan Waller) that what you do is very much a part of what you are. Dan is an engineer. His identity has a lot to do with engineering. It is not everything he is, but it is a lot. It is part of his life. He cares about it. Engineering.

In the same way, I am not a whatever-it-is-I-do. I don't enjoy it. I don't want it to have anything to do with who I am. So it's time I move on. If life is about what you do, if what you do is all that matters, and I believe that, then I need to start doing something of value. For me, that begins with the Peace Corps.

Countdown to me leaving: 9 months.

I Watched The Notebook

Now that I've seen The Notebook, I can say confidently that I don't know what to think about it. It was stupid, and it was good. It was funny, and it was lame. And thinking about it is confusing me. But I did learn a few lessons about true love.

Lesson #1: True love is doin' it in a really dirty condemned plantation house.
Lesson #2: True love is being able to stand that your boy didn't build a porch around the whole house like he promised.
Lesson #3: True love is a dementia freak-out.
Lesson #4: Even a love story needs at least one explosion.

My Thoughts on the Nobel Prize

Alfred Nobel, if that is his real name, was a genius. If I had invented one of the most destructive weapons known to man, I don't think I would have had the foresight to set up a humanitarian award to completely change my legacy. But Nobel did just that. And it worked...or so it seemed. Here's why I think the Novel Prize is a fraud!

The Nobel Prizes for Chemistry and Physics: What's the difference? And what's the big deal? Sure, there's probably been some important things done in this field, but do they really deserve a gold medal, a bunch of money, and a diploma? Maybe.

The Nobel Prize for Medicine: Honestly, I hadn't heard about this one until I started writing this thing. It seems good enough, like it really promotes people who are improving lives. But they only give it to the researchers. One guy got one for something with a respiratory enzyme. Who cares? Nobody even knows what that's for. What about the doctors who are actually saving lives? What about M.A.S.H? Where's Hawkeye's Nobel Prize?

The Nobel Prize for Literature: This one I have no problems with. Except that they gave it to Harold Pinter. Hey Nobel Prize Committee, you already gave Beckett the prize.

The Nobel Prize for Economics: So much wrong with this one. The Committee started it in 1968, 72 years after Nobel died and 64 years after the Prize began. I'm pretty sure economics were not in the original conception. Also, there are just enough economics people in the world that I bet everyone gets a Nobel Prize sooner or later. I wouldn't be surprised if this prize was started by a secret economics society. Like those Hasidics in Pi.

The Nobel Peace Prize: How did Theodore Roosevelt win this? In nearly all other cases, I approve.

It's Not My Birthday

Four months (minus one day) ago, it was my birthday.

Today I got a belated birthday card. Today being four months after my birthday.

At work we have this deal where the person who had a birthday before you buys you a cake and gets a card signed by all your coworkers. The guy who did it for me only got me the cake. It was a great cake, and I never had a thing for cards, so I was fine.

Yesterday I told a coworker that I never got a card. So she decided to buy a card for me today.

Everybody said nice things, and it's great, so I definitely appreciate it. The important thing, though, is that I set a new record: I stretched my birthday out for a full four months. It took four months for my birthday celebration to be complete. I win.

A Miracle of Timing, Positioning, and Rubber

It is a miracle that I am here blogging to you today. Not one of those "every day is a miracle" miracles but a "Thank GOD I didn't die" miracle.

I nearly caused what could have been a two-lane multiple-car crash this morning. I was changing into the lane to my left, going about 50, and I changed a little bit hesitantly. When I was just pulling into the lane and double-checking my blind spot, the cars in front of me slowed down very suddenly. I had to slam on my brakes--literally slam. My tires squealed. That's how I knew it was serious. There probably should have been a crash.

I thank GOD all the time when I'm driving and narrowly miss small disasters. Let's face it, I'm one of the world's worst drivers. I quite simply wouldn't survive on the roads day to day without the hand of God protecting me.

So I got to thinking...maybe I should start trying to be a better driver. Maybe I trust God with my life too much. And then I laughed.

New York Review of Books, Explain Yourself!

Dear afore-mentioned magazine and magazine-related enterprises,

Why did you send me an invitation to subscribe to your periodical? Usually people (or entities pretending to be people (or loan sharks pretending to be entities pretending to be people)) preface their requests for my money with a kindly worded letter explaining why my money would be happier with them. You, New York Review of Books, offend me in not doing so. Aside from the blatant social disregard, I can't even understand your invoice. What am I to make of this "Professional Rate" you offer me? Why is it special? What about my personality recommends me to the professional rate as opposed to the apprentice rate or the amateur rate? No, New York Review of Books, I refuse to subscribe until you can adequately address these concerns. Thank you for your time.

Ben

Reptilian

I almost wish I was cold-blooded. On the one hand, it'd be a pain to have to plan your life around adjusting your body temperature, but on the other hand, it'd be nice to enjoy some time in the sun or in the shade and just chill out for a while. It'd also be a good reason to take a break from work. "Sorry, boss, but I have to go lie out on a rock for a while until my temperature gets back to normal." Or if you want an excuse to get out a social engagement, you could always say, "I'd love to, but I can't go outside until my temperature gets back to normal." Those are just the selfish reasons, though. I'm sure it'd be good for the world as a whole too. If everyone was cold-blooded, they'd have to take some time out from politics and war and stuff, and while they're resting on that rock in the sun, maybe they'd learn that they can solve their problems without violence. It would make life so much simpler.

Man, lizards have it made.

Pan-Fantastic

Sometimes I wish I could record all the great things that happen to slash around me, but I'm afraid there's no way. There's my deficient memory, constant distractions, the fact that I never have pen nor paper with me, and my shallow attention span or weak attention talent, to name a few. So, in typical Ben fashion, I've decided to personify all these things and make a 15th century morality play about how I make it through my day.

BEN: Well, Lord, today's gonna be a great day. I pray for--
DISTRACTION: Hey, isn't this a delicious bagel?
BEN: Why, yes, Distraction, it most certainly is. How kind of you to point that out.
DISTRACTION: My pleasure, good sir. And look over there, it's a blimp!
BEN: A blimp? I love blimps!
POOR MEMORY: You love what?
BEN: I love...I don't remember.
DISTRACTION: Wow, somebody set off a car alarm!
BEN: I should really be getting to work.
POOR MEMORY: I forget where to go.
BEN: Umm....
LACK OF PEN OR PAPER: Don't look at me.

Upon arrival at work two hours late...

BEN: Wow, that sure was some fun adventure!
POOR MEMORY: What happened?
DISTRACTION: I really have to pee, guys.
ATTENION SPAN: (Yawns)
BEN: I'm pretty sure there's something I was supposed to do when I got here.
DISTRACTION: Hey, this seems like a cool email.
BEN: Haha, that's pretty funny. Maybe I'll post that on my blog.
POOR MEMORY: Where am I?
BEN: Oh right! I'm at work! I shouldn't be blogging.
ATTENTION SPAN: You shouldn't be working either.
DISTRACTION: Can you do crossword puzzles on the internet here?
BEN: You're right, I've worked enough for the day. I think I'll study Spanish.
ATTENTION SPAN: Like you can do that for more than two seconds.
BEN: Sure I can! Just--
DISTRACTION: Is it raining?
BEN: My car windows are open!
POOR MEMORY: When did you get a car?
LACK OF PEN AND PAPER: I forgot to write it down. I'm sorry.
POOR MEMORY: I've never seen you before in my life.
DISTRACTION: It's cold in here. What did you just say?
BEN: Maybe I'll read something.
ATTENTION SPAN: You already tried that.
POOR MEMORY: No he didn't.
ATTENTION SPAN: How do you know?
POOR MEMORY: Umm....
BEN: That was different. That was Spanish.
DISTRACTION: I should get a sombrero.
BEN: That'd be sweet.
DISTRACTION: (Screaming) Wow that airplane is loud!
POOR MEMORY: What's an airplane? I mean, what does loud mean?
ATTENTION SPAN: I'm done.
MY BOSS: You're fired.
BEN: I'm what?
DISTRACTION: FIRE!
POOR MEMORY: You're what?
BEN: Stop, drop, and--
DISTRACTION: I'm gonna catch that squirrel over there! (Runs through window, breaking glass)
MY BOSS: Be out by the end of the day.
BEN: OK.
POOR MEMORY: See you tomorrow!
DISTRACTION: (Off stage) Whoa! A blimp!

To The Punks

Hey Punks,
Shut up.

Also, join the fantasy football league that has Winston Churchill saying, "It's like I've died and nothing happened," The Fields of Gold!*

via Yahoo Fantasy Sports
League ID: 13593
Password: ...on second thought, let's not post the password. If you wanna join, comment or email me, and then I'll email you the password. I don't want strangers from blogger invading us.

To the naysayers who say nay and also say that football season is six months away, I say yea and also that football season is actually only four months away. So there.

Invite your fellow punks and punk friends!




*I don't like Sting that much. The league name just happened.

The Vogue

The new popular thing is making fun of me at work. It's been going on in subtle form for a little while, thanks in large part to my buddy Steve Pope, but it finally crossed over to the mainstream this week. Mostly it's about my eating habits. Like when we went out for a team dinner and Steve thought it was weird that I sliced up almost my entire steak before eating it. Or when Heidi brought what was left over of her chocolate fountain to our team meeting, and I said it was too early for me to eat chocolate, and she told everyone in the next meeting and everyone laughed. Or how everyone knows I prefer bagels for treat day over donuts because I don't like donuts (though I do like some donuts).

The more I thought about this, though, I realized that it's not a new thing. Let's see if I can document this trend, beginning with the earliest job.

-The Knights of Columbus: I know people made fun of me, but I'm pretty sure we made fun of everyone. I mean, we were 15. Big deal.

-Best Buy: One time my coworker answered the phone as me and proceeded to swear at the person and refuse to help them. I seriously freaked out. Turns out it was a prank. He just pressed the "ring" button or something and wasn't really talking to anyone.

-Challenge Printing: With Christine and people my own age, it was just fun. With the older people, they'd make some sarcastic comments that we wouldn't understand, and I guess that was making fun.

-CD Warehouse: Zero once called Ben Kweller my new favorite band. This is how we made fun of each other at a record store.

-UW Telefund: I didn't really talk to anyone, and I was only there for like two months, so that's that.

-Tutoring 7th graders: The first time the kids saw me in my glasses, they thought I looked like Peter Parker. I said I was Peter Parker's younger brother, so I'm Spider Boy, not Spider Man. And they made fun of me for calling myself a boy. They also made fun of me for not having a girlfriend. And there was the time one of them asked me if I was lesbian.

And that brings us to the present.

People made fun of everybody at all these jobs, and it's not like I feel bad cuz it's funny, it's just that I'm an easy target. So here's to being an easy target. Who's with me? Eh?

The Famous People I Am

Once again, I'm a sucker. This time, I'm a sucker to find out the celebrties I look like. And I pretty definitively look like a lot of different people. Take, for example, this picture:



What, you may ask, could this disturbing countenance have to do with anything good-looking and well-respected? Here, I answer, is what:

AND
I am 70% John Cusack and 66% Haile Selassie. That's correct. One count famous actor, one count scientist who discovered a comet.

It can't possibly get more varied than that, can it? Well...


This picture has 73% resemblance to Justin Timberlake, 71% resemblance to Jeff Bridges, another 71% with John Ritter, then 68% with Matthew Perry and Patrick Swayze.

Another picture had 60% likeness to Leonid Brezhnev. Another, the one of me in my Reese's Peanut Butter Cup Halloween costume, took in a whopping 74% with THE David Hasselhoff.

Of the six or seven photos I ran, the only multiple match of reasonable percentage was with Ryan Reynolds. Some of you might remember him as the quirky guy from Two Guys, a Girl, and a Pizza Place. Three times he came in over 60%. So next time someone tells me I look like Ryan Reynolds, I probably won't disagree.

It's been a fun experiment, guys. I leave you with this:

The Case of the Banana

For the past few days, my car has smelled distinctly of banana. I am allergic to bananas. The natural conclusion to draw is that someone is trying to assassinate me with banana.

I'll begin the investigation tonight. Look forward to...

UNSPAR INVESTIGATES!