The Nation of Unspar, Part 2

(The Nation of Unspar, Part 1)

It's been a long time since I've been to my home country, the Nation of Unspar. Shortly after the country voted to make Spanish the national language, everything went to hell. The economy collapsed, we had four to five coups in less than six weeks (five if you count the two coups that happened on the same day), and the water supply became unsavory. I applied for citizenship in the United States and left my once beautiful homeland.

Today I returned to see if anything has changed. I couldn't believe what I found.

Over the 9 months I've been gone, the Nation of Unspar became more ridiculous than most people could imagine. After setting the record for most coups in a month (August 2006: 131 coups), most of them violent, the nation dissolved and reunited 12 times. Upon its most recent reunion, the government enacted several "protective" measures to prevent future dissolution. These measures include requirements that every private business and residence fly each of the country's 14 flags, one for each of the letters in the words "Nation of Unspar," under penalty of death; a bimonthly celebration called "Pineapple Day," the purpose and meaning of which are still being debated; and the illegalization of domesticated mammals (birds are apparently OK). There are also several conflicting laws regarding the conduct of gravity on the books, and I was arrested twice for breaking at least half of them.

After I left, the Nation of Unspar boasted two citizens, and the population remained steady until December when one of the citizens got a girlfriend. At different times each of the three proceded secede from the union and found hostile nations. The most succesful of these rogue states was the Nation of Clean Dishes, which began when one of the original citizens refused to wash the dishes until the others decided to pitch in for dishwasher. The nation collapsed after two months due to heavy economic sanctions. The least succesful was called simply "Hand," founded by the girlfriend when they broke up one afternoon. The two remaining citizens were forced into three-party talks with Hand, and these were unfruitful at first. Hand would not engage in dialogue; it would only demand that it be talked to because the face would not listen. Friendly relations were restored later that evening.

Apparently, though, people are learning Spanish faster than expected.

Angry, Part 2: Not Angry

(Angry, Part 1)

Dude, I'm really sorry about that outburst a few months ago. Turns out my M&Ms were in my desk drawer. I shouldn't have jumped to conclusions. I should've known you didn't take them. You don't even like chocolate, let alone chocolate in a delicious candy shell.

And I'm really sorry for calling you a terrorist. I did some research about September 11th, and it turns out those attacks had nothing--or very little--to do with M&Ms. If anybody's the terrorist here, it's me. It's actually not me; I'm not really a terrorist. I just said that to make you feel better.

I think I'm most sorry for nearly killing you. And thanks for not pressing charges, by the way. That's really big of you. I didn't mean to kill you anyway. I just wanted to teach you a lesson about taking my M&Ms. I know you didn't take them, I'm sorry, but I had to make an example out of you so that no one would touch my M&Ms ever again. I really thought the flamethrower would just toast your clothes. I really didn't mean for you to lose your arms and half your brain function. But I guess that's what you get for taking my M&Ms, right? Oh yeah, you didn't take them. I forgot for a second.

I hope that spending the rest of your life in an assisted living home isn't the worst that ever happens to you. I mean, it's not all bad. Some of these nurses are pretty hot. Oh, I didn't know about the permanent catheter. Sorry.

Anyway, I can't really afford to help you out on your bills right now, and I don't really think that's my responsibility. I mean, I'm not the one who almost got burned to death, was I? Try and understand the situation I'm in here.

Get well soon! Here's a balloon!

Cave Adventure, Part 2

(Cave Adventure, Part 1)

Ben and Dracula are hanging out in Dracula's cave.

BEN: So why the cave?
DRACULA: They kicked me out of my castle, and this was the only place that provided the dark and dank that I love.
BEN: Who kicked you out?
DRACULA: The peasants.
BEN: Effin' peasants, man.
DRACULA: Tell me about it.
BEN: Hey Dracula?
DRACULA: Yeah?
BEN: You got any marijuana in this cave?

Later, Ben and Dracula are high

BEN: Sta-lac-tite. Tite.
DRACULA: Whoa.
BEN: Sta-lag-mite. Lag-mite. Guh.
DRACULA: Dude, you are crazy.
BEN: It's like they're the same, but not.
DRACULA: All right, just shut up for a second.
BEN: Sta-lac-tite.
DRACULA: Dude, seriously, shut up.
BEN: What's the deal, Dracula?
DRACULA: I'm still pissed that you wouldn't give me your torch.
BEN: Hahahaha. Sucker.
DRACULA: I'll--oh, hahahaha, it's a pun!

Blog Day, Part 2

I expect absolutely nothing to happen today. Seriously. Nothing. Maybe I'll do something vaguely productive like read or pray, but in between that, I'm returning to the spirit that started this blog. Friday is once again Blog Day.

However, since nothing will happen today, I'll have nothing new to write about. Instead of writing about new things, then, I'll be revisiting several of my old posts for a "Part 2." Chances are good that you'll have read one or two of them before you read this, though, in which case the explanation is somewhat moot.

Sorry to waste your time with an introductory post that's not introductory.

Lesser Known Holidays

Being that today is Valentine's Day for many of us, and being that Valentine's Day tends to be a scourge to many of us, I'd like to invite everyone to celebrate the lesser known holidays of February 14th.

Mormon Governance Day: On this day in 1835, the first Quorum of the Twelve Apostles was established as the governing body of the Church of Latter Day Saints. Today we celebrate in rigid tradition the confusion and nonsense of this church body.

Presidential Photography Day: President James K. Polk became the first U.S. President to be photographed on February 14th, 1849, so today presidential enthusiasts and laypeople alike gather together all the pictures of presidents they can find and make collages.

Oregon Day: Exactly 148 years ago today, Oregon entered our great union as the 33rd state, just in time for the Civil War. Oregon natives celebrate this day with little to no enthusiasm.

Arizona Day: Exactly 95 years ago today, Arizona entered our great union as the 48th state, missing the Civil War by approximately 50 years and establishing their heritage as an embarrassment to America.

Valentine's Day Massacre Day: In 1929 several gangsters celebrate Valentine's Day by murdering seven rival gangsters. Much like men and women in love celebrate their hearts, those in gangs celebrate this bloodbath.

Currency Decimalization Day: On February 14th, 1966, Australia introduced the decimal point to their currency system, thus making them seem slightly less like savages. The decimal point was left out for so long because many Australians believed dots were haunted. Today they celebrate by burning effigies of Satan.

All My Dreams Will Come True

Today I've received several kind birthday messages, and there is one that has bewitched me. Sarah's sister Cat called me, and most of her message made me smile, and then she said she hopes all my dreams will come true.

They better.

But seriously, that's a really great birthday wish, and I think I might start wishing people that on a daily basis. Hey, how's it going, may all your dreams come true.

Thanks, Cat! And thank you everyone who wished or will wish me a happy birthday!

Birthday History

My birthday has a much darker history than I expected. I'm sure history doesn't record a lot of the really happy things that happen every day, but still, mine our pretty bad.

Feb 8, 1587 - Mary, Queen of Scots is exectued for involvement in a plot to kill Queen Elizabeth I.

Feb 8, 1692 - Some doctor declares that three girls are under the dominion of Satan, thus beginning the Salem Witch trials.

Feb 8, 1887 - The Dawes Act is passed, allowing for the formation of reservations for Native Americans while simultanouesly outlawing unsweetened chocolate.

Feb 8, 1915 - The Birth of a Nation, one of the most racist films ever made, premiers, followed immediately by the KKK's conquest of Los Angeles.

Feb 8, 1963 - The U.S. embargo against trade with and travel to Cuba begins. Communism flourishes.

Feb 8, 1968 - Three civil rights protesters are killed outside a white-only bowling alley by the South Carolina Highway Patrol.

And now this year, Feb 8, 2007 - "Sam Calvert Cries In Science." Though it may not be there anymore, it was for really posted on the ever-trustworthy Wikipedia. As far as I can tell, Sam Calvert is an attorney in St. Cloud, MN. I can't find any reason why science made him cry.

Subconscious Birthday Present

Last night I dreamt that my car could fly. It was not a special flying car, it was my car. My 1997 Saturn SL1. All I needed to do was pull back on the steering wheel, and the thing took off. I flew all around a park, played a little frisbee from my flying car and then landed safely to the awe of all around me.

Later in the very same dream, I had to travel to the border of Minnesota and Wisconsin by crawling on my hands and knees. That sucked.

Birthday Beginning

I woke up this morning and thought that the best birthday present I could give myself would be calling in sick and playing Guitar Hero all day. Unfortunately, though, I knew that would be slothful, and I only allow myself one deadly sin per week (this week's was gluttony because I had a hot dog at a basketball game). I also figured I would miss out on a lot of birthday messages.

My first message of the day was a singing voicemail. It may be the most bizarre birthday message I've ever received--not because of the singing, though I don't often get a singing message, but because there was bad reception so it sounded really choppy, and I could not tell who was singing. I have come up with a list of suspects.

Christine
Sarah
Hayley (my sister)
or Jeremy Enigk

If it was you, please tell me. I refuse to let this mystery remain unsolved.

Birthday List

Tomorrow is my real birthday, and if you haven't gotten me a present yet, here's some ideas, in order of coolness (but which way the order goes, I have no idea):

1. A baseball stadium.
2. A 12-pack of OK Soda.
3. The collision of Neptune and Pluto.
4. A bunch of goats dropped into a tank with a great white shark.
5. New Mexico.
6. Anything with dinosaurs but not a real dinosaur.
7. A diamond mine.
8. Overpaid musicians like John Mayer to toil hilariously in my diamond mine.
9. A trash can shaped like R2-D2 that makes noise when you drop something in it.
10. Hand lotion.
11. Aladdin on DVD.
12. The hanging gardens of Babylon.

Magnificently Duped: The Party

(This is Part 2 of the story of my surprise birthday party. Here's Part 1 if you need it.)

I was informed ahead of time that the theme of the party was "Coreywalkers: Corey the Magnificent" (for those of you not from my church, that references this year's Faithwalkers conference, and there were a lot of inside jokes about it, so I'm sorry you didn't get them), but it was actually a combination Corey and Ben Walkers. A bunch of good friends of ours gave speeches about us. Jeshurun shaved his head (much earlier in the day, but still), Jordan reinterpreted a series of popular songs about Corey, Lee answered the long-burning question "Was is Corey?", and Joe recited several of my blog posts (and they sound even more bizarre out loud). Corey and I were also asked to give speeches about each other, and my speech on Corey can now be found online.

The rest was great too, but detailing it in blog form wouldn't be that interesting to anybody but me. Normally that wouldn't stop me, but I'm almost 24 now, and I'm a little bit more mature. Some little highlights for myself, in case I would forget some of it: seeing Jimbo again, Lee's "lamest birthday card ever," Nicole laughing like crazy during Lee's interview, and Anthony charading "Hokey Pokey Deathmatch." If you were there, please remind me of the other wonderful moments in the comments.

To all my friends: You're all better than I ever could have hoped for. Thanks for being such wonderful examples of God's love in my life.

Magnificently Duped

For the one or two of you who weren't at the party on Saturday, a bunch of friends threw me and my friend Corey (whose birthday was on the 3rd) a surprise birthday party on Saturday. The party itself was beyond amazing and probably makes the list of the Top 5 Best Days of My Life, but the surprise alone was fiendishly brilliant and deserves its own post.

The organization, as I understand it, was this: our friends decided to throw Cory and I a shared surprise birthday party. Our good friend William Hines put it all together and decided to play us off each other. I don't know how the plan came together exactly, but Will had to send out three email invites. One to everyone but me saying there's a party for me, another to everyone but Corey saying there's a party for Corey, and a third to everyone but me and Corey saying the party's actually for the both of us.

My favorite part of the surprise was the distraction and delivery to the party. Will, Corey, and I usually get together every Sunday morning, but Will had to reschedule that meeting to Saturday late afternoon to get us in good position for the party. He emailed both Corey and I (separately) saying that two of us would be distracting the other and then bringing that third person to their party, but he'd come up with a lie justify the rescheduling. Knowing that he could say whatever he wanted and we'd both have to agree with it, Will told us that his Grandma Gypsy would be in town for her regional senior's bowling tournament on Sunday morning. The following email conversation ensued:

BEN (to all): While I doubt that your Grandma could have made the community bowling team (I've seen her bowl, and she's no Jake Huggins), I'm up for the change.
WILL (also to all): Watch what you say about my grandma. She was rolling turkeys while Jake Huggins was still bowling with bumpers, in his diapers!
BEN (just to Will): Beautiful. This is too good.
WILL (just to me): I know! The poor bastard has no idea!

Little did I know that I was the poor bastard.

I really wish I was omnipotent during our meeting on Saturday because I would have loved to see Will playing Corey like he was playing me. And I wish I knew what Corey was thinking that whole time. One time when Corey left the room, Will pointed after him and snickered silently, and I'm sure he must have done the same when I left the room. How you kept a straight face through those two hours, Will, I have no idea.

When the time came to leave, I got a call from Sarah (who, I should add, had been playing me just as well as--if not better than--Will for the past few weeks) saying, as we had discussed, that she and Emily just bought a shelf at Ikea and needed help putting it together. I had approved this excuse earlier, thinking Corey would see it as an adequate reason to go to Sarah's house. It worked, but not because Corey was convinced he'd be building a shelf. This part, the part where Corey and I were really playing off each other, is where I really wish I could have been in Will's head. I wonder what he thought when I was convincing Corey not to eat before we left, as we all certainly knew there would be food at the party, but neither Corey not I knew that the other knew it. It's more fun in my mind than it is to read about, though, so I'm sorry.

The arrival was the only awkward part of the night. We got onto Sarah's street, which was full of cars from all the guests--I totally thought that would give it away to Corey, but he didn't even mention it. I also wonder if they planned to save a parking spot for me, because for all the cars, there was still one spot relatively close. We walked up to the house, and I opened the door wide for Corey, but he wouldn't go in, and he probably wondered why I wouldn't go in. Of course, we could both see everyone crouched in the dark, but we didn't know it was partly for us too. Then Will shoved us both in, and we were both very confused until everyone shouted both our names. Corey apparently thought the party was ruined when he was pushed in with me. Oh, what fools we were.