And Another

The major food allergies tally is now up to four.

We all knew about carrots, celery, and bananas. Now oranges join the group.

This is the worst yet. I can live without carrots and celery. It's difficult, but I can manage. I'm kind of sad to never have a banana again, but it's not an incredible loss. But oranges? They're so sweet and perfect! It's not fair!

I don't know how my fresh fruit resolution is going to hold up.

At least I'm still fine with OJ.

Office Joke of the Day

One of my coworkers took a Clorets mint, and it was really strong, so she said something like "These Clorets mints are really strong." But I thought she said Clorox, and said something about how she shouldn't eat bleach. We laughed.

Sometimes, I wish somebody would shoot me. Like in the leg or the shoulder or something.

Speaking of shooting, I need a tetanus shot.

Lazy Saturday

I have a strange urge to do some mind-altering drugs and watch a confusing, pointless, and nearly non-sensical movie this weekend. The candidates for movies are...

Donnie Darko
Mulholland Drive
1776

And the candidates for drugs are...

Kool-Aid

Who's in?

They Will Make No Money

I went to the post office today, and I was amazed at what I saw. Amid all the dirty, unstylish government products and designs there was one small thing that stood out as even too bizarre for the post office:

A Postal Service CD rack.

The United States Postal Service is now selling The Postal Service CDs. Not just the regular CD, mind you, but a twisted bonus disc set that includes the "We Will Become Silhouettes" single.

I know this was the product of the legal settlement, but still. The thought that this will benefit either party is absurd. Both of their reputations will be soiled. The Postal Service loses their street cred, originally earned by their policy of non-affiliation with any government entity, and the USPS will just look foolish for trying to be cool.

But the biggest losers of all are the fans. Though I don't know why.

Best Sentence of 2005

McSweeney's is organizing a "contest" for people to submit what they consider the Best Sentences of 2005 to be included in a short story anthology of the year. Thankfully for us losers, blogs are eligible sources. Here's a list of sentences I'm considering nominating, but feel free to submit your own as well (the email to send them to is banrr@mcsweeneys.net--be sure to include medium, author's name, and date published).

They're not all by me.

“O, to be a chocolate man, to dance gaily through the land, and to be all made of chocolate.”

“Cutting off someone's conversation with a cancer patient so that we can go to a book store is insensitive but OK.”

“I would rather be a railroad conductor than a vampire.”

“Man has never more desperately needed flying cars.”

“I am invincible to melting.”

“Somebody call the Wham!bulance.”

“I beseech thee, o vile midterm: surrender thyself to this lazy student's whim, and find greater honor in thy resignation than in my demise.”

“His voice carried with it such a shrill, almost despairing tone that may lead one to suspect not even he believed a rabbit was capable of exiting the silly hat.”

“At church today I saw a family with 8 kids, and all I could think was how I could never remember that many names.”

“I will be accompanying this groundbreaking point of my life with a Jack's supreme pizza.”

“I know I said cream cheese was the nectar of the gods, but I might have been wrong.”

Mardi Gras is Stupid

Today, Friday, the 24th of February, my office is celebrating Mardi Gras. How are we celebrating? For lunch, there is crab. There is also a "parade" with "floats" that can't be bigger than a shoebox. And some misguided soul brought beads.

I don't care how Mardi Gras is actually stupid (it defeats the whole purpose of Lent, more or less). I don't care about crab, parades, or beads.

I care because Mardi Gras isn't until Tuesday and today is Friday. There's not a single reason to move it unless you're stupid. Cigna, you're stupid.

Institutionalize Me

Has anyone ever had so firm a grip on their mind that they've gone insane? I think I'm in serious danger of that happening to me. I feel very seriously like I'm going insane because I'm thinking too much.

I think I would enjoy life in a mental institution, though I'm pretty sure I would only enjoy it briefly. I'd like that I wouldn't have to worry about going to work, but I wouldn't like being around sad people I couldn't understand and not having my own room. Though I would like having a courtyard.

I'm making a vow to myself right now: try and stay sane until at least age 50. Then we'll re-evaluate the situation.

Respect

The guy at Potbelly today called me "sir." I liked that. Must have been because of my jacket.

Things I Won't Do

A coworker and I were joking about going home early, and we decided that I would leave at 9:30. When she asked me what I would do with my free time, I came up with this list.

I won't do anything I hate. I won't go swimming. I won't go grocery shopping. I won't play with worms. I won't go fishing. I won't go to Eastern Europe. I won't listen to Starship. I won't hang out with douchebags. I won't think about the future. I won't burn my hair. I won't be cold. I won't whisper at all. And I won't ever come back.

Making this list made me very happy.

My Oscar Picks

I know this isn't a "pop culture" blog. I know this is a blog that defies whatever adjective the deranged masses might try to foist upon it. I know that. And in a way, that's why I'm offering you my Oscar picks. But in another more accurate way, shut up.

And I refuse to provide the nominees. Why? I'm too lazy to type them out. Even too lazy to copy them over.

Best Director
I pick...John Waters for Brokeback Mountain. It's about time this director proved his talent with a respectable film. Not that I have anything against Pink Flamingos--haven't seen it, don't want to--but you can only go so far in shock cinema, and there comes a time when you have to go back to your homosexual roots and "keep it real," as it were. My hat is off to you, John Waters.

Best Actress
I pick...Judi Dench for whatever she was in this year. It's a close race, though. You've got Charlize, and she's hot, then there's Keira, who's also hot, and Reese, who's hot as well, and Felicity who might be hot if she wasn't playing a transsexual. But let's face it, the Academy likes to give their awards to the uggos. Judi wins.

Best Actor
I pick...Dustin Hoffman, who, as far as I can tell, was not in a movie this year. Everybody thinks Truman's the favorite, and they're probably right, but I don't like it. The Oscars need to throw a pie in everybody's face every now and then, and the Best Actor race is ripe for a Dustin Hoffman meringue.

Best Picture
I pick...Brokeback Mountain. It's just such a powerful film. It moved my family to tears (not true), the gay community to riotous laughter (somewhat true; the gay people in the theater when I saw it laughed riotously), and my girlfriend to break up with me and seek a gay cowboy boyfriend (not true; didn't have a girlfriend; still don't). And how can you ignore a film that brought real gay cowboys to Tyra Banks' daytime talk show? You can't. At least not if you have a speck of decency in your soul.


[The remainin picks, without commentary:
Best Supporting Actress: Albert Finney for 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea
Best Supporting Actor: Busta Rhymes for Ghostbusters 2
Best Animated Feature: Juwanna Mann
Best Art Direction: Kool Aid: The Movie
Best Cinematography: The Biography of Seymour Buttz
Best Costume Design: Condor Man
Best Documentary Feature:

And that's where I gave up.]

One Thing I Like About Cigna

One thing I like about Cigna is the position of the sun relative to my driving direction to and from work. Each way I look into the sun for a total of only something like seven or eight seconds. It's awesome. Except that on my way home, there's a tall building with a bunch of windows that reflects the sun in the most wicked way. But that's the only thing about the position of the sun relative to my driving direction to and from work that bothers me.

Presidents

Apparently the whole world gets President's Day off but me. There was hardly a soul on the road this morning, and it made me think I was trying to go to work on Sunday. The no traffic part was nice, and it'll be nicer if it goes for the drive home as well.

But the point is this: why do the presidents get a whole day? What have they ever done for this country or, more specifically, me? Nothing. Maybe I'll give them some respect if they give me a cookie (or something of equivalent value), but until then I'll complain loudly for no good reason.

The Rules

Apparently Lent starts next week, and for the first time ever, I'm actually giving something up. It's not so much giving up, though, as it is making rules. There are two of them.

Rule #1: Eat at least one fresh fruit and at least one fresh vegetable with every meal (excluding breakfast).
Rule #2: No more watching TV while eating. Instead, read or something.

I may have some problems with Rule #1, simply because I'm allergic to so many vegetables. I can only think of four that I can eat (cauliflower, broccoli, beans, corn), and only three of those can I eat fresh (cauliflower, broccoli, beans), and only one of those can I eat raw (cauliflower). Anybody have any other ideas? Maybe the grocery store would be a good resource for vegetable info.

I might start running too, but I'm pretty lazy, so I don't know about that.

Sincerity

There may be a few people out there who never see me in person or speak to me in semi-person. This is for those people, that they might know what's going on in my life of note.

The two big things: I'm going to New Orleans in March to help with hurricane relief, and I've started helping homeless people in the cities.

On Saturday 12 people in the church group got together, put together some care packages (complete with food, water, hygeine products, gift certificates to McDonalds, Bible, hand warmers, and more!), then went out in three different groups to distribute them to people in need.

My group went to the Lyndale/Hennepin area off 94 near the Basilica. There were a bunch of people down there, and unfortunately we didn't have enough bags with us for everyone, but everyone who got one was very appreciative.

I talked to three people. The first was a man named Robert. He was a Christian and said he was very blessed, though it may not look like it. We invited him to The Rock (our church), and at first he wasn't sure if they'd be open to homeless bums, but we assured him that it's one of the most accepting churches you'll find. "Don't be surprised if you see me there," he said, and I really hope he comes.

Next Nicole and I talked to two people, cousins, Amanda and Tony. Tony was 18 and an alcoholic. Amanda was 26, also an alcoholic, and clearly under the influence of something when we talked to her. Both of them were very interested in treatment, and as soon as we mentioned we were from a church, they asked if we had AA meetings there. (We don't, but we've got something similar that we told them about.) Tony seemed like he was definitely going to call, and hopefully he'll take Amanda. Amanda was just so incoherent that it was hard to get through to her. She was on the verge of tears at one point because she was so appreciative, so hopefully we made a lasting difference.

Some of us are going back this weekend too, and I'd like to go back every weekend. One visit helps, but it doesn't help enough.

I don't want you to think I'm a great person for doing all this stuff, I just want you to know what's going on. So that's that.

Today is Last Week's Blog Day

I just realized that I didn't post at all on Friday, and Friday is usually the day that I post at least five times. So today, which is actually fairly busy so far, is the day that I will make up for that. This post isn't entertaining in itself, but it's informative, so that kind of counts. Hopefully the next few posts will make today seem less like a complete failure.

Tacos

Tacos are an enigma. I cannot understand why something so delicious, a perfect combination of all flavors and textures, can wreak such disastrous havoc on the digestive system. Do the flavor manufacturers put laxatives in their product? That would be a crime to rival the nicotine put in cigarettes.

I can see it now...The Truth: Big Taco.

Random guy: "I ate tacos one night, and the next morning I had such foul farts that my company fired me. And I worked in a dog food factory."
Random girl: "I went out with some friends for lunch, and I had tacos. I didn't know what second-hand taco could do to people. I've now lost three friends thanks to my taco farts."
Another random guy: "Tacos made me poop my pants. I couldn't help it."
Big Taco ruins lives.

No Tucking T-Shirts This Week

That's right, this whole week I'm going untucked. It's freedom. I think I prefer freedom of shirt to freedom of speech, in fact. But I guess the two are actually intertwined.

It's Late For Me

I wrote something, but it was dumb.

This is life after college. Writing something dumb and then going to sleep.

It's 11:40. PM.

So It's Valentine's Day

Like the rest of you, I hold Valentine's Day in a special place in my heart. Last year I celebrated this wonderful day by suggesting we go to the circus and not doing anything about it. This year I stepped up my revelries: I ate my cereal with sour milk.

It's the first time ever I let my milk get sour, and is there any day more fitting than Valentine's Day? The only possibility would be Sour Milk Day, and I'm pretty sure it doesn't exist.

Happy Valentine's Day, everybody. I hope your suffering is limited.

The Birthday Celebration Continues

Today, to make up for forgetting a birthday treat on Wednesday, my coworker who was supposed to get me a birthday treat brought in the most delicious chocolate cake. Cake is yummy.

But more spectacular is how everyone wished me a happy birthday. Whoever at cake and many people who didn't. So it's official: the birthday celebration spanned a total of 6 days. And to think I was ready to give up on it after Saturday night.

Good Gorgeous Gajeebers

I just sent out an email to my coworkers about the mission trip to New Orleans. Yikes-a-roonie-doonie, it's nerve-racking. Here's hoping all goes well!

This Is Habib Marwan

A conversation my dad and I made up while watching season 4 of 24:

Marwan: [in suspicious Arabic accent] Hello, CTU? This is John...uh...Smith.
CTU: Yes?
Marwan: I am Behrooz's swimming coach. I would like to see if he is coming to practice tomorrow.
CTU: Hold on, let me check.
Marwan: Uh, no, CTU. I need to speak with him personally. You see, he knows the location of the secret base--I mean, the pool--and I...um....
CTU: Wait a second, is this Marwan?
Marwan: Oh ho ho ho ho! You got me, CTU!
CTU: [hearty laughter] Good one, Marwan.
Marwan: Yes, well, now I must get back to destroying your country.

The People v. Gravity

Conversation I had with friends about another friend:

Me: She's a kinesiology major.
Brother: She's also pre-law.
Front-seat girl: Isn't kinesiology the study of movement?
Me: Yes.
Front-seat guy: What kind of law is she gonna do with that?
Me: Movement law. Like the Law of Gravity and stuff.


Now, for clarification, is that a play on words, a pun, or just a joke? All I know is that I didn't laugh, but some other people did. Or at least one person did.

Birthday Weekend

Congratulations, me! You don't have to go to work today! You can sit around and do whatever you want, like play video games you haven't touched in years, or prank call your friends at work, or dance around in the living room to awful 80s music! This is your free weekend, me, so be free! But no pooping on the floor.

Today is the 7th, and Tomorrow is My Birthday

My birthday is coming! I'm finally starting to get excited! And to get me more excited, here's a birthday retrospective!

Birthdays 1-5: don't remember.
Birthday 6: I got six dinosaur candles for my cake. I also had chicken pox.
Birthday 7: Went to Chuck E. Cheese with my elementary school friends. I remember nothing about it other than crawling through some secret tunnel underneat the robot stage.
Birthdays 8-11: don't remember.
Birthday 12 (might have been any birthday between 11 and 14, actually): Sleepover. Had a nerf war in my basement, and it was awesome.
Birthdays 13-17: don't remember.
Birthday 18: don't remember for the most part, but I remember that I was planning on getting an eyebrow piercing but decided against it when I saw some stranger with one and realized it was too trendy.
Birthday 19: went to Wisconsin Dells with the fam. Not that great, but better than doing nothing in the dorm all weekend.
Birthday 20: My favorite birthday of recent memory. Went home for the weekend, saw family and friends. On birthday night I went to see this anti-war show at First Ave (featuring David Cross and Atmosphere w/Heiruspecs) with Sara. Great show, then we went out to dinner.
Birthday 21: Fairly anti-climactic because it was a Sunday. Drank a Guinness at midnight, bought my own six-pack during the day. Then went out to the Nitty Gritty (Madison birthday bar) for my free mug of beer. Dan Marfield provided the highlight when he bought me a "muff dive," a shot of Kahlua surrounded by whipped cream. Dave provided highlight number two when we were watching The Critic and he said, "I wish there was a penguin flying the plane," and there was indeed a penguin flying the plane.
Birthday 22: The best part was collecting all the birthday messages on livejournal. Also had my very first Irish car bomb with my buddy Jeff. All around fun night out with the buds. Too bad it was a Tuesday.


I love my birthday.

Open Letters

This was a concept Will and I came up with during the drive to the FTA retreat. We write really short letters to people and/or entities that should hear what we're thinking. Though I forget the one that began the whole thing, here's a few that've been cooking in my brain.


Dear Jerry Seinfeld,
What's the deal with pre-faded jeans?
Love, Ben and Will

Dear Frito Lay Corporation, Doritos Division,
Your bags' "new look" is all wrong. New look bad, old look less bad. We suggest changing products all together. How about computers?
Love, Ben and Will

Dear United States Postal Service,
Thank you for suing the band The Postal Service for stealing your name. You've done this country a great service and not wasted anyone's time or money.
Love, Ben and Will
P.S.-Please send more two-cent stamps.

Dear Haddaway,
Love is the smile on a child's face. It's also patient, kind, etc. And I will hurt you.
Signed, Baby


That's it for now.

Not That I Could Laugh Right Now Anyway...

This is one of the funniest things I've ever seen. It's a Wedding Crashers game where you take two pictures of whoever, and it inserts them into the movie trailer. Just faces, though. I could do this with everyone I know if I had access to pictures at work. Or if I could access the game. But all you guys without internet blocks, go crazy.

Disorientation

Everything feels slanted, and it's one of the coolest feelings I've ever had.

Cal

This guy named Cal (I'm pretty sure that's his name, and if it's not, it's what I'll call him forever) is the first neighbor at my apartment I've officially met (even though he didn't tell me his name). Yesterday he started to tell me his life story while I scraped the frost off my car. Today he helped me scrape the ice off my car, which was really nice cuz this stuff would not come off.

Now, his life story:
He has identical twin daughters who ran track at Washburn and set like a ton of school sprinting records. Now they're at the University of South Carolina on a full ride track scholarship.

He used to work for Chrysler Corporation, but now he's retired.

Actually, that's about all I got. I should talk to this guy some more.

A Survey on Fun

Today in my email I got a message from some corporate suit I've never heard of asking me to take a survey on what would be fun to do in the office. There were a few options, and we got to choose what we'd like to participate in. The choices were...

Spring Fling – off site event – combine a talent show
Blood Drive
Food Drive
Book Swap
Chili Cook Off – Bake Off
Community Mentoring opportunities (i.e. mentoring school children)
Halloween Costume Contest
Year End Celebration - on-site event/meal
Softball Team
Weight Watchers - on-site meetings
Walking Club
Surprise Events/treats

I find it funny how few of these events are fun or close to fun. A blood drive? Weight watchers? Good things to do, but probably not fun. Try again, Cigna.

I should add that there was a spot for other ideas. I should have put "field trips" or "Dinosaur Adventure" or "International espionage." Now those are fun.

Health

This morning, in my attempt to assuage my cold, I ate a healthy cereal for the first time ever. Ever. Cheerios. I was a little nervous at first, but I did it. Gotta face your fears.

I'll probably eat them again--after all, I have a giant box full of 'em--but there was one thing that surprised me. The speed of sogginess. I guess when you don't have a protective layer of sugar, your cereal gets soggy a million times faster. Like the moment it touches the milk. So, lesson learned. Except I don't know what that lesson is. Any ideas?

A Recap of the Day Preceding This One

Yesterday was Groundhog Day, in case anyone was so ignorant not to notice. I didn't post about it yesterday because I didn't feel like it, which is really a kind of an insult to importance of the day.

It's my second favorite holiday, I guess, even though I never celebrate it and I almost always get pissed that Phil saw his shadow. It's just the concept that I love. A day about a rodent. Who was the genius that thought of that? So I'm inspired to research some Groundhog Day history.

According to Groundhog.org, the tradition dates back to early Christian superstition. But it's this quote that got my attention:

"Groundhog Day, February 2nd, is a popular tradition in the United States. It is also a legend that traverses centuries, its origins clouded in the mists of time with ethnic cultures and animals awakening on specific dates. Myths such as this tie our present to the distant past when nature did, indeed, influence our lives."

"Its origins clouded in the mists of time...." That's funny.

Adventures in Sickness

The return of Blog Day means the return of much posting. Beginning with...

I'm sick. I have a debilitating cold, complete with stuffy nose, sore throat, and fever. These circumstances have also brought about the first time I've been seen wearing a t-shirt at work (because I was burning up underneath with emo robot sweatshirt).

I love t-shirts, by the way. On a list of things I love, they'd definitely make the top 10. With God, tacos, Keanu Reeves, and my birthday.

My Favorite Work Story, Possibly Ever

One of my coworkers went over to talk to our office manager, he who is in charge of office supplies and little else. He's like an assertive Milton. Anyway, my coworker puts her hand on his desk, and he says, "I'm going to need that space."

Badass.

Fours

This seems like a good waste of time, but it's not long enough, so I added a few categories.

Four Jobs I’ve Had in My Life:
*Busboy at Knights of Columbus
*Media Specialist at Best Buy
*Worker at CD Warehouse
*Box-making Robot at Challenge Printing

Four Movies I Could Watch Over and Over:
*Point Break
*West Side Story
*Miracle
*Donnie Darko

Four Places I Have Lived:
*Richfield, MN
*Madison, WI
*Richfield, MN
*Minneapolis, MN

Four TV Shows I Love To Watch:
*24
*The OC
*The Simpsons
*Futurama

Four Places I Have Been On Vacation:
*South Dakota
*Kansas City
*Boundary Waters
*California

Four Websites I Visit Daily:
*My blog
*Christine's blog
*Chelsey's blog
*McSweeney's

Four Favorite Foods:
*Tacos
*Pizza
*Taco dip
*Cheese and crackers

Four Places I Would Like to Visit:
*Ireland
*Maybe Spain
*Ireland
*Ireland

Four Animals I Most Want to Chase:
*Squirrel
*Rabbit
*Rhinoceros
*Giant Panda

Four Favorite Days of the Year:
*February 8th
*February 2nd
*February 18th
*July 4th

Four Favorite Numbers:
*7
*17
*9
*11

Four Things I'd Rather Be Doing Right Now:
*Acquiring super powers.
*Going to church.
*Eating a sandwich.
*Jumping rope.

Four Reasons I Did This:
*Better than work.
*I was bored.
*I don't have anything else to do.
*Christine told me to.

I tag no one because everyone I know who would do this has been tagged. Except Paal.

100 Things

To celebrate my hundredth blog post, I have created a list of 100 Things.

100 Things.

100. Crab apples.
99. Estuaries.
98. Jokes.
97. Batman.
96. Final Fantasy III.
95. Brothers.
94. Clipboards.
93. Making up words.
92. Keanu Reeves.
91. Toucans.
90. Water.
89. Translucency.
88. Pick-up trucks on cement blocks in someone’s lawn.
87. Crackers.
86. Alphabets.
85. Buffalo.
84. Fables.
83. Apostrophes.
82. Bobcats.
81. The printing press.
80. Theodore Roosevelt.
79. Rhyme schemes.
78. Butter.
77. Pleated pants.
76. Tear gas.
75. The theory of relativity.
74. Robots.
73. The number 72.
72. X-ray machines.
71. Height.
70. Basketball uniforms.
69. Love.
68. The Kalahari Desert.
67. Eternity.
66. The Bronx Zoo.
65. France.
64. Mayonnaise.
63. Shoelaces.
62. The Fonz.
61. Lobsters.
60. Nicknames.
59. Rock, paper, scissors.
58. Neptune.
57. Diligence.
56. Rectangles.
55. Oxygen.
54. Dracula.
53. Fingernails.
52. Pike’s Peak.
51. Growth.
50. Silicon chips.
49. Obscurity.
48. Mozart.
47. Canvas.
46. Flight.
45. July.
44. The concept of backwards.
43. Ice.
42. Sea level.
41. Yawning.
40. Poverty.
39. Sandwiches.
38. Tar.
37. Chess.
36. Bluegrass (the music).
35. Bluegrass (the grass).
34. Possibility.
33. Canyons.
32. Jumping.
31. Kites.
30. Panama.
29. Manatees.
28. Mitochondria.
27. Bacon.
26. Dinosaur remains.
25. Ebenezer Scrooge.
24. Red.
23. Giraffes.
22. Cotton.
21. Vegetables.
20. Igneous rocks.
19. Clouds.
18. Brass fasteners.
17. Rubber.
16. Beaches.
15. Glass.
14. Bath tubs.
13. Scabs.
12. Drums.
11. Temperature.
10. Swimming.
9. Hats.
8. First names.
7. Plaster of Paris.
6. Paris.
5. Muppets.
4. Electricity.
3. Onomatopoeia.
2. Pizza.
1. Haloes.