The Food Chain

Inspired by my brief philosophical venture on "the source of all our troubles," I bring you...

The Food Chain



Let's discuss. We begin on the right with "fungus." This "fungus" is the initial source of all human unhappiness and dissatisfaction in that it is ugly and probably smells bad. You can find "fungi" in abundance in the American South, Canada, Africa, and Eastern Europe.

The chain moves from there to "poop," also known as "feces." How does "fungus" bring us to "feces"? It begins with the fungus' constant rumination on itself as the root cause of all human misery, and ends when that thought process naturally brings us to a pile of poop. As the arrow suggests then, the fungus eats the feces. Or maybe it's the feces eats the fungus. I don't remember. Something gets consumed, though. It'd be gross if somebody was eating poop.

In step three, we encounter "mouse" and "corn," the treacherous twin brothers of the food chain. They tend to deceive their simple predecessors "fungus" and "feces" with riddles and mind games. It's often a cruel battle of wits that mouse and corn rarely lose. This stage usually ends with the feces being absorbed through the mouse's skin or corn's husk, contributing to a stronger, more fearsome duo.

Stage four, also known as the Apocalpyse Stage of the food chain, happens when "mouse" and "corn" have become massive beyond belief. At this point the sun spawns "firecat," a supernatural animal of uncanny power and speed. Firecat battles mouse and corn in the far reaches of space, often across many galaxies. The battle can last as long as 50 billion years, depending on the weather. If firecat wins, it eats both mouse and corn in triumph, thus giving the food chain its title of "food chain." Historical note: in all the previous cylces of the food chain, firecat has never lost.

We begin again with the ensuing death of the firecat. The firecat cannot live very long after the epic space battle with mouse and corn because it gets very bored. Observers tend to get bored as well. The transition from firecat to fungus has therefore never been documented.