My Political Endorsements

With the election one week away and most voters unaware of who's running or what they're about, I've risen to my civic duty to educate the public. And as with most of my civic duties, I will not take this seriously.

For those you not in Minneapolis, you can still learn from the votronic lessons I am about to teach.

You all know about your senate and governor candidates and crap. Those aren't important. But you don't know about who's running for Soil and Water Supervisor or who's doomed to be re-elected to the Apellate Courts. So here's everything you need to know!

Note: These are all taken from the ballot in my precinct and probably do not apply to the rest of you wonderful citizens!

Soil and Water Supervisor in District 2
The ballot as given on the internet says all these candidates are non-partisan, so it's like choosing which kind of unflavored oatmeal you want. Your options are Dan Flo, Phil Willkie, and Ernest K. Lehmann, and none of them offer any information about themselves. Usually I'd pick my guy by who has the most interesting name, but the only interesting name here is too weird. I'll be excercising my write-in option. Please join me in electing Glen Mason.

Soil and Water Supervisor in District 4
This race belongs to John Crampton. Or maybe Steven Jenkins. Just please do not vote for Ryan Wilson. He graduated from Edina (strike one) a year after me (strike two), and he looks doughy (strike three). Also, his most recent job was at a grocery store, so I'm pretty sure he's running as a joke.

Judge for Appeals Court 11
Interesting Minnesota tradition: since the inception of the appeals court in 1983, all appeals judges have been appointed and have to run for re-election for the following term. I assume that's why the vast majority of these guys run unopposed. Dan Griffith, however, opposes incumbent Christopher J. Dietzen and could be the first person elected to this position instead of being appointed. Of course, no one cares.

Judge for 4th District Court 44
I actually sort of care about this race because challenger Dee Rowe graduated from University of Wisconsin-Madison law school.

That's it for actual races, but I would like to encourage all of you to use the following write-in names for candidates who are running unopposed:

JUDGE - COURT OF APPEALS 6: Nigel Tufnel
JUDGE - COURT OF APPEALS 7: David St. Hubbins
JUDGE - COURT OF APPEALS 12: Derek Smalls
JUDGE -4TH DISTRICT COURT 6: Seymour Butz
JUDGE -4TH DISTRICT COURT 16: The Keebler Elves
JUDGE -4TH DISTRICT COURT 17: Mars, god of war
JUDGE -4TH DISTRICT COURT 22: Back to the Future
JUDGE -4TH DISTRICT COURT 35: Kit (the car from Knight Rider)
JUDGE -4TH DISTRICT COURT 39: I know you are, but what am I?
JUDGE -4TH DISTRICT COURT 40: Takes one to know one
JUDGE -4TH DISTRICT COURT 45: Lead
JUDGE -4TH DISTRICT COURT 50: Churches
JUDGE -4TH DISTRICT COURT 52: Very small stones
JUDGE -4TH DISTRICT COURT 55: A duck