Time Traveling Movie Review Review

(For those of you who missed the Time Traveling Movie Review, check it out HERE.)

By fellow time-traveling film critic, Jason Zoomdonkey

2 stars out of 5

Traveling through time to review Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is the biggest waste of time-traveling skills I've ever seen. Especially when the writer notes that he owns the movie in 2006. Why not just watch the movie? You don't gain much from watching this film in its release year. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2 yes, the original no.

I appreciate his points about Splinter and Corey Feldman, however.

Should this segment continue, I would like to see more movies from the future discussed. Not only do readers like them better, but there's more substance to examine and review. I recently saw Hyper Mega Railroad Heist vs. the Power Patrol Spectacularrrr in 2041, and afterwards I wrote one of my best reviews ever.

Perhaps we shall meet again on the fields of time and battle to the death.

Time Traveling Movie Review

For today's segment, I've decided to travel 16 years into the past to the year 1990 to review a film called Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Many of you have probably had a chance to see this film in the 16 years it's been available to the public, but it's a movie that I believe is better reviewed immediately after its release. So here goes.

traveling through time...and back.

3 and a half stars out of 5

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is a movie that knows what it's about and doesn't try to do anything more than that. That reserved effort makes it a success, though it's a limited success. It works well for the kids, but adults can still enjoy its campy humor.

As a fan of the show, there was only one thing that bothered me: Splinter's back story was completely wrong. According to the cartoon, Splinter was a Japanese man who was forced to live in the sewers with a bunch of rats. He was not a rat to begin with. Very uncool.

I appreciated Corey Feldman's presence in the cast. As a time traveling movie reviewer, it reminds me of the golden days of the Coreys. For the audiences of 1990, he was probably too old to still be likable. Their loss, really.

In the present day, I own this movie, but I probably wouldn't buy it if I still lived in 1990. It's cool in a retro way, not an I-like-it-in-the-present-day way.

Too Much Sarcasm

This morning I considered posting my "life story." I was going to entitle the post "Life Story," and then I was going to talk about all the jungle cats I wrestled, how I worked on a Chinese freight ship from ages 8-12, and other assorted mistruths. It probably wouldn't have been that funny because lies aren't funny anymore. Sarcasm is too post-modern, and these days you have to be post-post-modern if you really want to be funny. So here's my post-sarcastic take on my life story.

Um...you can't make fart noises on the internet.


{APPLAUSE}

Trial and Error

Anybody ever see that movie? The one in the subject line. Michael Richards and Jeff Daniels are the odd couple in this comedy romp on the legal system. It's not very good, but I saw it for free thanks to a Papa John's promotion (which also gave us a free Weekend at Bernie's). Life is best when it's free. Am I right fellas?

Anyway, I was trying to think of something to write on the blog, and I started thinking about my friend who's a lawyer*, and that got me thinking about Trial and Error, and then I wondered what it would be like for me to take the place of my lawyer friend in the courtroom. I think it'd go a little something like this....

The Arraignment of Avery Jackson for the Murder of Henry Hoobadoo
Featuring Defense Attorney Paul Ragagagag and Prosecuting Attorney Ben's Friend (secretly replaced by Ben himself), with Honorable Judge Cowudder Presiding

JUDGE COWUDDER: Defendant, how do you plead?
AVERY: Guilty.
BEN (ME): Objection!
DEFENSE ATTORNEY: What?
BEN: He can't plead guilty! Then what am I supposed to do?
JUDGE: Overruled.
BEN: What if I think he didn't do it? Can I overrule his plea?
JUDGE: No.
BEN: Then I plead not guilty.
DEFENSE: Objection.
JUDGE: Sustained.
BEN: Not fair! I didn't do it!
DEFENSE: You're not on trial.
BEN: I move for a mistrial!
JUDGE: Bailiff, please arrest the attorney for contempt.
BEN: Why don't you arrest everybody?
DEFENSE: Objection.
JUDGE: (pause) Overruled.
DEFENSE: What?
JUDGE: Mr. Prosecutor, I've learned a lot from your free spirit, and you're right. We all need to be free like you. Everybody, you're under arrest.
AVERY: PARTAY!!!
(Two go-go dancers in cages rise up from behind the judge's bench.)
DEFENSE: (to Ben, yelling over party noise and awesome mid-nineties hip-hop) Did you even pass the Bar?
BEN: Is that a challenge?
DEFENSE: Is what---
BEN: LIMBO CONTEST!

And I went on to win the limbo contest AND the water balloon fight.


*I actually don't have a friend who's a lawyer, but I have two friends and an acquaintance in law school, and one of my coworker's wives worked in a law office, so I figure that all equals one lawyer friend.

Blog Entry

Yesterday and today have been two of the busiest days I've seen at this job. Though I very much want to quantify it for you, I won't because you probably wouldn't understand it. So I'll quantify something else.

Here are two thoughts that I've had today:

1. I've enjoyed taking dumps more than I enjoy this job.

2. That's not entirely true. While there have been a few enormously satisfying dumps, most of them weren't that great.

When Stunts Go Bad

Some of you may have been lucky enough to see When Stunts Go Bad and When Stunts Go Bad 2 in your lifetimes. I have. It's a defining experience.

An event I thought worth sharing was Gary Wells' attempt to jump over the fountains at Caesar's Palace in 1980. He crashed into a brick wall (I think), and, along with breaking several bones, separated his aorta from his heart--AND LIVED.

If you ever wonder whether or not you're invincible, I suppose that's the way to find out. If I thought I was invincible, I'd probably try something simple like smashing my hand with a hammer. Aorta separation is good too, but that's probably for the ones who are already pretty sure about their invincibility.

Gobble

Thanksgiving is only two days away, and I'm excited to have the rest of the week off starting tomorrow (because I decided to skip out of work early). There's not a whole lot to get excited about Thanksgiving for otherwise, unless you're a glutton, in which case you probably eat a lot every day and Thanksgiving isn't much different (except for the notably increased amounts of gravy).

While I'm indifferent to the celebration, I'm growing less and less indifferent to the holiday. We have a buttload to be thankful for, people, and that's what this holiday is supposed to be about. It's not about the meal, it's not about family, and it's not even about murdering Indians (though it could technically be about all those things); it's about being thankful.

In that spirit, I present you a few of the things that I am thankful for this year and forever:

1. I am thankful for parentheses and the extra dimension they add to sentences.
2. I am thankful for laughter and how it makes my belly feel warm.
3. I am thankful for ducks because I think they look pretty neat.
4. I am thankful for not having internet or TV so that I waste less time, supposedly.
5. I am thankful for prophetic dreams and that I don't have many of them.
6. I am thankful that I don't own any cats.
7. I am thankful that "gobble" could make for a decent Thanksgiving-time pun.
8. I am thankful that my family will not go around in a circle to share what we're thankful for.
9. I am thankful that I have a job, even though I often can't stand it.
10. I am thankful that we are not at nuclear war with anyone.

If I Owned a Sports Franchise

Or, Why I Should Own a Sports Franchise.

I've never really wanted to own a sports franchise until today. I always thought I'd be fine as a simple attendant, but today I realized that any faltering sports franchise really needs me. Here's the short list of changes I would make to any given franchise that would allow me to buy them.

1. I would give the court/field/arena a more variable topography. Rather than your typical flat or "even" playing fields, mine would have mounds, cliffs, and perhaps alligators that players would have to contend with. Play would be much more interesting in all cases except baseball, where the alligators would probably eat half the team before the batter could strike out.

2. If the game gets boring, I reserve the right to changes sports mid-event. A lopsided football game could become a tight basketball game. Of course, the court/field/arena wouldn't change, which could make for a pretty low-scoring basketball game (or, should basketball become football, a very high-scoring football game). I think I would most enjoy changing sports to hockey.

3. Whatever building my team plays at would have only unisex bathrooms so as to eliminate the awkwardness of peeing in a trough.

4. Before every game, three national anthems would be performed. "The Star Spangled Banner," "O Canada," and a third to be picked at random 10 minutes before the game begins.

This is just the beginning.

Space Filler

That giant picture of Erik Estrada is really freaking me out. Every time I open my blog, I'm worried that everybody at work will think I'm looking at gay porn. I don't regret posting it--it's a great picture, I guess--but I don't like it being so close to the top. So here's some filler.

Did you guys ever see The Abyss? Remember when Ed Harris had to go way deep underwater, and the only way he could do it was to inhale this weird oxygenated water in a space suit? I wonder if that actually works. And I wonder how many animals we'd have to kill to find out.

Congratulations, Ponch

Erik Estrada continues to win my affection and adoration. It began with a disgustingly tight police uniform on TV's CHiPs, which I never watched but can appreciate on an intangible level. It continued several years later with CHiPs '99, which I also never saw and have a much harder time appreciating. Then there was The Surreal Life and Sealab 2021, the shiniest gems in his crown, and now he's the public spokesperson for some real estate company in New Mexico.

Erik Estrada, today you are the recipient of the first "annual" Unspar Lifetime Achievement Award. This prestigious award acknowledges significant achievement in the fields of both television and everything else. People who have received this prestigious award previously are no one.

My hat goes off to you, señor.

Busyness

Most of you think I do nothing at my job, and while that's true almost all the time, yesterday was very busy. Let me explain.

One of the other companies in my building is called Animal Experiment Laboratories. I have no idea what they do, but one of their blue monkeys escaped yesterday, and everything went crazy. They closed down our office, but instead of sending us home, they gave every employee a tranquilizer gun and said we had to hunt the blue monkey until he was secured once again. There wasn't much of a strategy for it, though, so we all pretty much wandered around everywhere hoping we'd see it. A lot of my coworkers got shot, actually. That was kinda funny.

I ended up checking the women's restroom, and I found the blue monkey in one of the stalls. I was about to shoot him when he spoke to me. "Wait!" he said. "Don't shoot! I have some important information they don't want you to know, that's why they sent you after me." I lowered my tranq gun to listen. "The animal experimenters sent me two hundred years into the future two weeks ago," he said, "and there I saw a disturbing vision of what will become of society. It convinced me that I had to destroy the human race." I was shocked. I raised my gun to shoot the blue monkey, but before I could move, the gun was in his hands. He shot me in the thigh. As I passed out, I was just thankful that he hadn't flung poo at me.

When I awoke, I was on a cold table with a bright light shining in my face. My vision gradually came back, and I saw three giant waffles standing above me. The waffles had arms and legs and wore those white gloves like cartoon characters always have. "Syrup," one of them said. Another passed him the syrup, and he started pouring it all over me. I screamed.

Then it was 1, so I went to lunch.

After lunch, the blue monkey called me into his office. He told me I was fired. "You can't fire me," I said. "Yes I can," he said. "I'm your father!" I screamed. Then he told me he was joking. "You're not my father?" I asked. "No, I am your father, but you're not fired."

They gave me a free blanket and let me leave early for the day.

Daily Affirmation

One of my coworkers, in all her wonderful and sincere kindness, passed out a sheet of paper with "My Declaration of Self-Esteem." Now, for your amusement, I will make fun of it through the art of parody.

My Declaration of Self-Esteem
By Ben Robison

In all the world, there is no one else exactly like me, and I like me. I also like Megadeth. No one else likes Megadeth, and if so, they are lame.
I am not lame. I own me and my thoughts and my actions, none of which are lame. I do not own anything lame.
I have fantasies, hopes, dreams, and fears, and most of those are about being the fastest Olympic track star slash lion hunter in history.
I would someday like to own a hang-glider or a floating mansion or both. I make myself meaningful, but a floating mansion would really help with that.
People who don't like me are lame. If there are times that I don't like me, then I am lame. If someone who is lame likes me, they are still lame. I don't hang out with lame people because lame is contagious.
I have the tools to survive, be happy, and be close to others because I bought them at a garage sale. Most of the time I just use a screwdriver.
I can courageously look for solutions to my problems because I am capable of solving them within myself. I like to create problems for everyone else so they can feel good about solving them on their own.
My favorite fish is the marlin. All other fishes suck. Only some other fishes literally suck.
When I go to Jeff's garage, I can rock out better than when I am at home because he has a sweet guitar that I use. I use it because I am me and I am OK. I am better than Jeff.

The Day After the Election

It's a dark day for the earth and its denizens. Not as dark as the day Elvis died, nor as dark as the day Clay Aiken lost American Idol, but a dark day nonetheless.

Some of you may be discouraged because Democrats now control the House of Representatives, but worse things have happened. For instance, Republicans have controlled the House of Representatives. Also, dogs have been murdered. That's much worse.

But there's one thing we should all worry about. This guy:


He's Phil Willkie, our next soil and water conservation supervisor in District 2. Under his leadership, expect our soil and water to withdraw from Iraq, break up the two-party political duopoly, nationalize banks and transportation, and overturn the Patriot Act.

Now before we start to criticize, let's cut the guy some slack. He's probably not a bad guy. His heart seems to be in the right place. Sure, he's a communist, but who isn't?

The only problem is that we can't expect him to get all this done from his current office. We need to get him elected to Congress, or maybe even president! Willkie '08! Woooo!

My Heroes

Many of you who read this probably think of me as a sticky ball of sarcasm not unlike a giant wad of Bubblicious. There's more to me than irreverence, though. A large part of me is love. To continue with the chewing gum metaphor, I'm half Bubblicious, half Wrigley's.

I don't know exactly where I was going with that, but here's a segment on people who I admire.

Dick Vermeil


Sure, he's a good football coach, but he's also got feelings. The man's not afraid to cry, and that's cool. He cried when he won the championship. He cried at a lot of games. He just loves football that much. You have to respect that. And those sunglasses are awesome.

Robert E. Lee


It takes a great man to become the greatest general of his time, blow one of the most important battles of the war, and honorably surrender the war to the enemy. My favorite story of his life: Lincoln asked him to join the North, and he said no. Where's your Emancipation Proclomation now?

Chiang Kai-Shek


I'll just come out and say it: in many ways, I prefer Mao Tse-Tung. The guy had ideas, and he followed through with him. It's not his fault that his policies killed millions of citizen, is it? Well, maybe it is. Anyway, Chiang wins because he isn't (indirectly) responsible for the murder of his own people, and he brought the freedom-loving Chinese to a tiny island that we lovingly refuse to acknowledge as an independent state, known as Taiwan.

Butros Butros Gali


What a name.

The Ultimate Warrior


When I watched wrestling that one time when I was 8, this was my guy. He never talked (as far as I remember), and if he did, it was in primitive grunts. Then he whooped ass. That's a role model right there. It's what I've aspired to ever since.

Bill


This is just because I feel forced to ackowledge the election on election day. I appreciate our legal system, sort of, and I appreciate it the most through song. Unfortunately, I didn't grow up with School House Rocks; I grew up with The Simpsons, so I ended up jaded and sarcastic. And here we are. Just remember, "There are limits to our liberty, at least I hope and pray that there are because those liberal freaks go too far."

A Billion Emails

I get in this morning, fresh from just having voted, to discover my inbox full of messages with the subject line "Let's make it official." At first I'm like, how the hell did I get all these emails? Then I notice they're from Christine, Anna Leisa, and Andy, so I know I'm in for a treat. Here are my favorite quotes:

"Ben won't check his mail until tomorrow morning because he doesn't have internet at home anymore. He will deal."

"Andy, if you continue to be all Adam-and-Eve-y with the blaming, I'm going to have to try to hurt your feelings."

"I hate football. All sports movies tug at the old heartstrings though."

"Mark Wahlberg's huge hair aside, Invincible looks pretty decent."

"Mark Wahlberg has only gotten better with age."

"Poor Ben...his work email is going to be STACKED tomorrow. I'll copy him. Just to add more."

I would have included more quotes about me because that would have been funny, but it wouldn't have been funny enough.

That's 17 emails, excluding the ones that weren't sent to me in the beginning. At least that gives me something to do this morning.

Electioneering

Today on my way to work, I saw what is probably one of the most disturbing political ads in history. You know how people stand on freeway bridges to hold up signs for their candidates? On my commute, there were a bunch of Mike Hatch-ies waving signs, one of which said, "If Mike Hatch were governor, you'd be home by now." (Contextual note: this was very near the apartment complex well-known for its sign, "If you lived here, you'd be home by now.")

My own political leanings aside, this is a bit of an outlandish statement. There are a lot of people taking that particular route, and Mike Hatch wants us all to be home there? Or is he trying to say that he'll make it so we don't have to have jobs, and we'd be home by now instead of going to work? I don't get it.

In contrast, I saw two very unenthusiastic people holding Mike Freeman signs on a different bridge. Just two regular signs that said "Mike Freeman" on them. So I've come to the conclusion that freeway campaigning is not very effective. Especially because somebody might get in an accident.


ANOTHER NOTE: My apologies to those of you who come here following a google search for a particular candidate. This blog falls into the "not serious" category, so I can't discuss my serious reasons for favoring certain candidates over others. I suggest you get that information from robots or people who have traveled into the future and back.

Another Post Entitled "Welcome to the Jungle"

Today, in less than five hours, the NBA season will begin in full. I know there were two games last night, but neither of them could be taken seriously. The first was a joke--albeit a really funny joke--in which the defending NBA champion was almost lapped in its 108-66 defeat. The second was notable for featuring my favorite basketball-playing caveman, Andrew Bynum.


But more exciting than last night's circus is the Timberwolves opener tonight. Basketball is easily my favorite sport, and the Wolves are my favorite team by default, so this is a night that I've been looking forward to for at least 36 hours. It's gonna be a party.

And for those of you basketball skeptics, check this out, yo:


I'm very comparative today.

Welcome to the Jungle

We officially made it out of Unfunny October, so now we're into the blissful month of November. Wait, did I say blissful? Beacause I meant freezing. I think I'm going to wrap myself, my car, and my house in blankets wherever I go. I'll probably need a blanket drive, so if anyone's willing to contribute a blanket or two, let me know. I'd also accept blanket-making materials, should you feel like a whole blanket is too much.



Anyway, I'm going to post again in just a second, so I better get on that.