You may not have heard, but all the major presidential candidates were swallowed by a blue whale last night. Tragic. They weren't all swallowed by the same blue whale, though, which makes it slightly less tragic. But hey, we're Americans. We'll mourn however we want.
Personally, I'm going to mourn by becoming your next president. You don't even have to vote for me if you don't want to. It won't matter. All your alternatives are in several different whale bellies, so good luck finding someone else to elect.
I heard McCain once spent five months in the belly of a whale and survived, but I don't think he could hold out this time. He's 72. And don't get me wrong--if he hadn't been eaten alive, I would have voted for him, if I would have voted. But we can go on and on about "if" this and "if" that, but it doesn't change the fact that every politician you loved is being digested by the largest animal on earth and I'm the only one left you can still vote for.
Shake my hand. Do it. And you better learn to love this hand, because it's going to be slapping you silly for the next four to eight years.
2 comments:
You may not have heard, but all the major presidential candidates were swallowed by a blue whale last night. Tragic.
More like hilarious!
Ben, you may not realize, but if you were 35, I would honestly consider voting for you....I can't say if I'd actually follow through with it, but I'd consider...
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